I originally posted this in the 'Infidelity' section then a new friend on this site advised me to post here.

My 36 year old friend, who is overseas, has just told me that she left her husband 3 months ago for a guy who sits opposite her at work. She had been with her husband for 7 years (2 married) but said they had been having problems for a while, arguing a lot, even though she said that he really does love her and cares for her.

She says the guy at work has always been really nice to her (although she is very good looking) and is very 'sensitive', which she didn't think her husband was. She has worked with the guy for 20 months but only started to 'fall in love' with him over a period of 2 months after a big row she had with her husband. She never had any feelings for the new guy before that.

She says the new guy is sensitive, however, he doesn't seem that sensitive to me when she told me he;
1. He told his wife that he had feelings for someone else (with her for 3 years) in a theme park when they were out with her son (not his son but he has been around from the ages 3 to 6 and the boy calls him 'Dad).
2. Still went home and had sex with his wife then for the next few days despite having told my friend a few days before that he loved her and wanted to be with her. He told her he did it out of 'guilt'.
3. Left my friend standing there alone when they bumped into her husband at a railway station 5 days after she left her husband for him.
4. It seems she is at least his 5th girl in 8 years - all from his office.
5. Her husband has complained that the guy has a smug grin the couple of times he has passed him at the office (yes, the husband works at the same office too, poor guy). She thinks the new guy has a 'nervous smile'.

She does have problems with her self esteem and I don't think she values herself as highly as she should do. Perhaps that's why she's with the new guy. She was always accusing her husband of having affairs even though he never did anything wrong (that we know of). She even said her husband asked her if she was very ill who would she want by her side and she admitted she'd want her husband. Neither can she say she's proud of the new guy.

It would be great to get the views and advice from anyone out there as I want to give her the best advice in this dangerous situation. She seems confused by the situation and says her 'head is numb'. I am the only person she has spoken to as she doesn't have any close friends where she lives and I want to make sure it's the best advice I can give her.

Thanks for your help.

Can you direct her (and her BH) to this board?

Hi Tabby1

I'm not sure she if she would visit here at the moment. I think she is almost trying to block out any advice unless it says she should be with the new guy.

I want to go back to her armed with solid advice, not just from me, but also independent people.

What about her BH? Nobody here will advise her to stay with the new guy. If you've looked around here a bit, you will see that affairs virtually never work out in the long run anyway, regardless of whether or not the OP is a "decent" person or not (I use quotations because no decent person would fool around with a married woman, but this guy also seems to be a bit of a scumbag in addition to this).

Hi Tabby1

I don't have the BH's contact details and don't want to betray her - then she will never listen to me. The popular theme among all the strings (and I also posted on loveshack) is that the WS never listens to the truth. I also thought that if she only had my advice that she would easily turn it down as only one person's view. That's why I posted here after advice from another friend.

I'm hoping that I can get as many opinions as possible here and then e-mail them to her. I hope then she can't argue with independent advice. So the more opinions I can get from out there the better.

Everyone. Please help!

Read through this thread: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...e=0#Post3198324

This is Pepperband's notable posts thread. In there you will find all sorts of posts describing affairs and the pain that affairs cause. One post in there that I printed out, saved and continually read over and over was an article by Frank Pittman - I believe it is on the second page of the thread. It describes all the various types of affairs people have, including the dangerous outcomes. Hers is probably a romantic affair. I know the description there fit my WH and OW to a tee. It might be worth cutting and pasting that out and sending to her.

Thanks Tabby1. Pepperband had some excellent information.

GBF1:

I would tell your friend this: The OM is most certainly a horrible person, and her relationship with him will CERTAINLY end and soon, most likely when she catches him cheating or when she has to make a trip to the doctor with a burning sensation.

Better to leave him now when she still has a chance of salvaging her marriage.

Also, time to look for a new job. Can BS contact the boss about OM's behavior? There should be a policy against office relationships, especially with the spouse of an employee!!!