I am just curious if Plan A by itself is ever just enough to work. My WH has been really nice and fun and upbeat the last few days. He has been more himself again. He says he hasn't talked to the OW since last week when he told her to forget he existed. He was miserible for the rest of the week until yesterday. it was the first time he has hugged me for real, and today i even got a hug and a kiss on the cheek. I just don't know if this is fake cause he has talked to the OW or if this could be real. I know y'all don't know the kind of person my husband is/was..... but i just wanted to know if it really works.

Ciao Bella !

Dr Harley says plan B is needed in most cases.

I am delighted to say that plan A with exposure worked in my case 100% <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

My story and the FANTASTIC help I got from the heroes here is in my sig at the foot of my post if you're interested.

If you H is being deliberately transparent, ie. working hard to regain your trust by making sure you know where he is, who is contacting etc its a very good sign. If he is just TELLING you this, he's probably lying. WS lie, they can't hardly help it.

THat's my problem i can't tell if he is just telling me this or if he is being true.... he has been more and more transparent. Tealling me where he is and all that good stuff. I am trying to give him the benifit of the doubt but i don't want to be nieve either.

i didn't think a light switch would change in him just like that. He has been more open to everything i have been trying. He doesn't have all the ooooie... gooie feelings but he is at least now letting me show him who i can be.

This all resulted when i trusted him to go to a party without me, he had a lot of things he had to met while he was there and what not like calling or texting me so i knew where he was ect.... i laso had someone do a drive buy to make sure he was where he was supposed to be. I think he appreciated the fact that i could possible trust him one day

Hi Bella,

I am so sorry for your pain. I just read all your other threads and see that you've had many experienced posters replying to you.

Now that the holiday weekend has hit, it may be difficult to be patient, but it would be best if you kept your stories and requests for input on one thread.

Bob Pure, Melodylane, Mrs. Wondering, LovingAnyway, Big Kahuna, RIF, Meremortal and others are giving you great advice...but it's harder fo follow when you start new threads to continue a topic when it takes a little time for folks to answer. I'll link your other threads here to help posters help you.

Bella's first thread
Bella's second thread
Bella's third thread

Welcome to MB and I'm sorry for your husband's actions. But you have much to be thankful for with the successful birth of your daughter, an excellent job and spouse who is still there for one reason or another.....and the fact that you've found MB and seem willing to listen to what folks have to say.

I forgave my WH too quickly after our first Devastation Days but when I found MB recently, I learned that I merely enabled him to keep secret contact with his OW. (Story in my sig line.) There must be 'just compensation', a topic Dr. Harley covers in one of his articles on this site.

Please be patient, focus on caring for yourself and your daughter, and keep reading and posting, even during the slow weekend. But please keep things on this thread so posters will be able to help you quicker.

Again, welcome to MB,

Ace

I appreciate your input ACE and you are correct i shouldn't jump around posting...sorry about that i just had a different question and i wasn't a 100% sure how this forum worked so thanks for the enlightenment.

I am working on being patient. I am doing my best not to love bust and there has been no real talk of relationship in the last few days. He has been nothing but kind and pleasant towards me. I know he is still uncertain as to what is really going to happen and is waiting for me to go to work on monday ( i have been out for 3 months) to see if i am really going to make the changes and stick with them. As i have told him i have no choice but to do so for my daughter and myself. If he is there great if not oh well.

He even this morning was talking about christmas which a week ago he didn't even want to talk about. It is a step in the right direction i hope. I am just hoping he is being true and forth coming. I have even gotten a hug out of him the last few days and i didn't even ask for it he just did it on his own. I just hope things are really going on the right track.

I am doing my best to be patient and to pray a WHOLE lot. There is nothing else i can do at this point.

Bella, there are many things you can do to focus on you, regardless what he does.

* Educate yourself. Read all the free info on this site. Order books or go to the local bookstore to buy them soon.

* Start to visualize what you want in your life, your marriage, your family. Write these goals down. Meditate on them.

* Journal your thoughts. That is therapeutic now and will be a benchmark later to see how far you've come.

* Put into practice what you learn...little by little, step by step. You're in control of your life, not your WH. Take charge of what you can control and pray that God will take care of the rest.

* Read all the links attached to the signature lines of people who have posted to you so far. They are investing in you and it's helpful to see their stories to gain their personal perspective.

* Research sources of IC (Individual Counseling) or MC (Marriage Counseling). If your WH is sincere in rebuilding your M, he will welcome this option. (You may have free counseling through your job.)

* I can't remember if you've exposed the A to the other person's spouse (OPS), but that is one step you'll need to consider if you haven't.

SMB may not have posted to you, but read the thread of Sexymamabear's Plan A and her WH's miraculous de-fogging. You have a right to question your WH's sincerety but when you see how SMB's WH has spoken and acted you'll have a good idea of what true remorse and repentence looks like.

Here's the link Now eating my words thread by sexymamabear.

As you learn things, you'll undoubtedly have more questions. Post and vent them here....and be patient. Read other threads while you're waiting for a response.

You can do this, Bella......we've all been in your situation with some having more success than others. I'm relatively new but have learned from the same posters who have begun to help you. Patience and persistence will help you succeed as my FWH and I are doing now. It will take time so prepare for a rocky endurance ride.

Best wishes,

Ace

[color:"red"] Edited to add: SMB posted about the NC letter. I don't recall seeing that either....good catch SMB. [/color]

Bella,

I have browsed through all of your threads. I cannot find that your WS sent a no contact letter. Did he? If so, did you read it and mail it yourself?

Your WS sounds a lot like mine did when he was home but still in an active A. Sorry to tell you that. Perhaps it is withdrawal instead. That is why I ask about the NC letter. If he refuses to send it, realize that means he is still in an active A. I refused to acknowledge that when my H refused to send the letter. I could have saved myself a lot of grief if I had listened to so many hear who told me he still was.

FWH has since returned home, eagerly sent the letter, among many other actions he has done to prove himself.

Totally ignore everything he says, and only focus on his actions. What is he DOING???

Now that FWH if fog-free, he is devastated by the lies he told me and the way he rewrote our beautiful history. He is dumbfounded that he was such an alien.

DO NOT LISTEN TO HIS WORDS!

I second what Ace said.

Read SAA and the articles here on this website. Arm yourself with knowledge so that you know what to expect. It won't rattle you so much when you know that what he says is normal. We've all heard the same babble.

Do Plan A to improve yourself. He will notice, but you may not see "results".

Expose to people of influence if the affair is still ongoing. Expose without warning WS.

Keep posting here. There is so much help here. It will get you through the really tough days when you don't think you can hold on any longer.

You are not alone. We've walked through this fire, too. We know your pain. But it does not have to paralyze you. Be empowered to do whatever is necessary.

My FWH has thanked me repeatedly for fighting for him. (By doing what was counter-intuitive--exposure, boundaries, Plan B style behavior).

Bella,

Bob_Pure's story and his sojourn is truly one of the most fascinating and readable successes of Plan A that can be found on MB. I would strongly encourage you to read the url posted in it's entirety.

What is not easily evident is the strength of Bob's character and his love for his WW. Not that he didn't make any early mistakes, especially an errant motor vehicle ...errrr... accident.

His tenacity and faith was rewarded by an M in recovery.

Thank you to everyone that has posted on my listing here i greatly appreciate it. As for the NC letter i tried to see if he would do that and he is not a person to write letters to people. He said he won't do that. I can't force the issue cause it will cause an argument and i don't need any more of those right now. ALso more and more people are finding out about the affair and today he has told me that he doesn't care what people know. That it doesn't bother him and he is over that. I can't believe that he would be over that. He has kinda changed his reputation and respect that people would have for him and that was a HUGE thing for him..... always that people had respect for him. I don't know if he is just in a funk or if he truely has changed into a person that could care less if people had any respect for him.

As for Bob's story i loved it.... it gave me hope and that things aren't as completely hopeless as i once thougth they were. I keep praying and having hope that everyting will work out. But regardless i know that no matter what happens my daughter and I will be just fine.

Thank you to all

Bella,

This would be a deal-breaker for me. My H is not a letter writer either, but this can be a short note. It has to be done or your pain will never end; it could also cost you your marriage.

Your marriage can withstand another argument, but it cannot survive continued contact....which may be the reason he does NOT want to write it.

I'll leave it to others who have more experience with NC letter writing to chime in. But please read up on the subject in the meantime.

Ace

Thank you for your input i appreciate it. I have thought about the letter more and the reasons behind him not wanting to write it. I think right now he is holding the OW on the back burning to see if i am truely going to change or not when i go back to work. Whether my boss likes it or not i have to cut back on hours and the raise is a must. Whether my WH stays or not i need to be there for my daughter. I grew up with a father who worked all the time and was never there, i will NEVER do that to my kids.

We are going to MC so i will bring it up there it is a more controlled setting. He just keeps saying that he has to deal with some of this stuff in his own way and own time.... i know that is all a bunch of bunk but as y'all have said i need to be patient and that is what i am doing to the best of my ability.

Again thank you all for you input i appreciate it

I see red warning flags all over your threads. Your husband had no business at all going to a party without you so soon after cheating. He has proved to you that he is UNTRUSTWORTHY by having an affair while you were pregnant.

Also the arguing has got to go. Your home needs to be a warm and welcoming place for him.

Do the two of you spend 15 hours a week doing fun things together?

Please tell me about his good points. All I picture is a cheater who refuses to write a no contact letter, wants to be trusted without showing he is trustworthy, a guy who doesn't work full time and blames YOU for working too long. Tell me the things that make him a wonderful husband.

LOL... believer i have been thinking the same things lately but prior to all of this stuff he was a wonderful person. He does work full time he just only works 3 days a week 12 hours at a time. prior to that he owned a computer buisness (that didn't work). He was loyal and trustworthy. He did most of the house work prior to the affair. He is smart and has a really good sense of humor. But when i stop and think and look outside the box i can see what others see, me working and him complaining like a little kid that he has no one to play with.

He states that the most important things for him in a relationship is to spend time together and good converstation. Both of which i was lacking in and am working on not for him necessarily but to better myself as a person.

As for spending time together, no we hadn't been able to with our work scheduals. I would come home from work and would be exhausted. I worked 10 to 12 hour days 6 to 7 days a week. I would be exhausted and not want to go out and do things. I would just want to relax and fall asleep on the couch, i would be out by 9 or 10 and this would get him mad cause he is a night owl.

His other beef with my job is that i hadn't had a raise in the 3 yrs that i work there. I can't say that i blame him for that but i was trying to establish myself there. I am young and smart and it is difficult to prove yourself as a health care practioner without putting the work in. Our friends see that but he couldn't.

Other wonderful things about him was that he used to be so loving and caring. He would just show up at my work with a cup of coffee or send me flowers randomly. He always knew how to make me smile and when i needed him he was alwasy there. WHen i was in school i was going through some tough times and even though it was a work week and i lived about 2 hours from where he was he drove up there just to make sure i was eating and help me stay awake and do my work.... or just to take me out for a short ride to get my mind off of things.

i know everything i have said makes him sound horrible but he really isn't. prior to all of this he is a person that everyone would call "one of the good guys"

The arguing has stopped and we have been getting along great the last few days. Kinda like when we were first together, no fighting no arguing.... just hanging out and doing things even if it is just watching tv

Well, the long hours is kind of the nature of the beast. Didn't he KNOW that long hours would be involved in your job?

And now you have a baby too. So I'm thinking you probably work over 100 hours to his 36 a week. No wonder he is a night owl, with 4 days off.

And who is taking care of your daughter during all of this?

He said he didn't realize the hours would be all that bad. And they aren't going to continue to be that way. I put my foot down with my boss.

I start back to work on monday and my daughter will only have to go to a sitter two days a week. My WH is supposed to watch her the rest of the week on his days off. If he leaves she will go full time to a friends day care.

I am just playing it by ear right now.

Leaving her at the sitter will be easier than leaving her with him cause i am still leary that he will take her to see the OW like he did when she was a week old.

Oh, I think you can count on him showing her to the OW. I just don't buy that the affair is over, or he would be willing to send a NC letter and PROVE that he can be trustworthy.

No, you let him come back WITHOUT any conditions, so it's just a matter of time.

He needs to step up and be a buyer in the marriage. I suggest you check out the Reformed Renters thread here by Frozen. It is GREAT and will help you figure out how to be a buyer so that your husband will change too.

I did set conditions but i don't want to push the issue too much cause it causes a fight and i don't need any more of that. i am just trying to keep things neutral. i will look at the thread you have suggested i greatly appreciate it. Thank you

now that i read that post you suggested it makes sense that i am trying to put a bandaid on the situation instead of actually trying to fix it.

The only condition i put on him was that he had to stop talking to the OW.... i asked him to change his cell phone number and he hasn't and says he will eventually. I know red flags that the affair is still going on.... i am just trying to avoid LB and arguing until i have proof he is still talking to her.

The thing that sent up a red flag for me today was that he went shoping ... he said it was for xmas gifts for me but he isn't the kind of person to do that ahead of time. Plus he is off for the 2 and half days every week. It made me think he was with the OW.... she lives about an hour from us and he has only been gone three hours. I don't know if i am being paranoid or if i am being realistic.

Well since i know people are sick of hearing me vent i thought i would try venting on her a little bit. I have decided to write a journal but at least here i know someone will at least read what i write and that gives me some comfort.

Over that last week my WH has been very nice to me since last wed. He isn't the same person but he at least isn't being cruel to me any more. He is still living at home and we seem to be getting along. I am still paranoid about things. For example yesterday afternoon he decided to go xmas shopping which is unusual for him since he is one of those right before xmas shoppers (usually a few weeks before) at any rate he did text me the whole time he was out and i talked to him once or twice. He was in a good mood. He said he bought something but coudln't tell me cause it was for me.... he said he paid cash for it.

Then last night he decided to lie again. He was on his computer typing and i figured it was to some on IM. When i asked him he said i was being paranoid..... but then eventually gave in that i was right. He said telling me he was talking to someone online would cause an argument.... i said no you lying to me did. HE was mad saying he has no privacy.... he later appologized for it. i really dont' think it is the OW he was talking to as i don't think she has a screen name or uses a computer that often.

I just wish he understood how i feel....but i don't think he could ever imagine the kind of pain he has caused me and how much this has affected me as a person ( in good and bad ways at the moment). I didn't argue back with him i just mearly told him it would be nice to be told the truth, that's all i was asking for.

ok enough for now sorry for the rant, but thanks to anyone that took the time to read