You did GREAT!!! Absolutely perfect. He probably sat there with that blank look on his face the whole time you were gone. He was trying to drag you down another sad and angry (and FUTILE) R fight where you become the bad guy who "cannot get over" what happened and blah blah blah. But instead you said what needed said and walked away. BRAVO!!

You can do this, bella! You are stronger than you think. Stop lamenting the past and start working on your future! He needs to see that you are strong, that you are making changes on your own. You know, you are 50% responsible (no more) on the condition of your R b4 the A, but he is 100% responsible for the A!!!!! Nothing you did was bad enough to deserve that kind of treatment. He is gaslighting you into believing it is too late. He wants you to remain in the past where you made mistakes the "drove" his into the arms of another but is a BUNCH OF MALARKY!!! He chose to do what he did, and until he owns that part of it, you should just tune him out altogether. You have a little one to take care of, and you have work to do on yourself to be the best person you can be-for yourself! SOOOOOooooo

PICK YOURSELF BACK UP, AND SHAKE IT OFF, AND SHAKE IT OFF!!! Can you see me (34 yr old chunky chick with pompoms bouncing around the room). Yikes <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />

Resonance thank you for the cheerleader in ya to be there for me. I am so down in the dumps any more i don't know how to get out of it. I love my husband so much and he says he can see the pain he is causing me but doesn't have it in him to try and do what is necessary to make it work.

I just ask him why am i not worth the effort and he says that he hates that i say that but at the same time he says that i had my chance and i threw it away. Then he goes back and says it is all his fault that he didn't try hard enough but he doesn't have it in him to try any more.

I just wish i knew what way was up any more what was right and true and what was garbage.

I am probably not making any sense but if i don't type this out i think i am going to explode instead of trying to make this work. Thanks to those that read my ramblings

For right now, consider it all garbage, sorry to say. Please stop begging him to be a good person and saying things about your worthiness. That you didn't kick his butt down the street the minute you found out about his lies, is worthy of all the gold medals in the world. BUT- he will not see this right now!!! Quit listening to him and letting him blame you. Even HE is turning around and contradicting himself on those statements. HE is a MESS and so how could he help YOU right now? He cannot even help himself!

Girl, I don't even know how to make you realize that he is not a person you can lean on right now. You have to do some reading here and start helping yourself. I would strongly suggest ADs immediately (Dr. Harley says this right in his Plan A explanation). Throw yourself into the teachings here. Read and post and read and post and then read and post some more. Start taking care of yourself...work out, find a new hobby. What are your interests? What is something you've always wanted to do?

If you say you want to stay with this man, your current course of action is not going to accomplish that goal. It's like back in school when my boyfriend broke up with me...I begged and begged him to come back and he would just look at me with disgust. But as soon as I moved on, he was like...hey, what about me. Can we get back together? It is human instinct to pull away from someone trying to clutch onto you. And human instinct to chase what you (think) you cannot have, or what is strong enough to survive without you. You know this. I know you do. And you can do this!

So make the decision right now, bella. Do you want to get your M back to being better than it was before? Then make a plan TONIGHT and start working towards that goal.


((((((bella))))))

This may not work for you, Bella, but it's what I did on D-Day #4. Except my WH was using the passive aggressive approach (we're overcoming out PA tendencies together).

When he said I would be better off without him, he was hoping I would protest and tell him once again (after 3 times) that I'd reconsider and take him back.

But...

I said "Ok, go live in your truck, or wherever."

He started to go....slowly......and I let him.

Shocked him.

Started to defog him then and there.

I think he's finally starting to get it since our MC blasted him after his latest lies about medical conditions. We are overcoming that and it's creating a new appeciation for each other. That was a month ago.

When this MC, who H respects highly, said "you just don't get it yet....she's a million miles ahead of you in her changes and you've gotta catch up to make this work."

So far, he's following through with the promises he made (and I'm working on the changes I've promised, too) so it seems we're getting to the next level.

Like I said, not sure if that will work for you. I saw myself OK without him. And that's when he knew I meant business.

Best wishes, Bella, and glad you've got lala cheering you on, too.

Ace

That's happening with Jet, too, Acey! It's amazing how waywards can tell when their cake-eating days are at an end, yanno! I sure did!

BELLA...HELLO...WHERE ARE YA! Update, please. Are you OK?

NO i am not ok today... but i will be. My husband left tonight. He said he isn't sure how long it is going to be but he needs to work on him. He is starting counseling tomo at 1 pm but he said for at least a few days at a min he needs to leave the house. He didn't tell me this till i was at the sitter picking up DD that he wasn't coming home tonight. I just said ok if that is what you have to do. We want you at home but you can go do what you need to do.

Kinda shocked him i think but last night we had a big argument cause i didn't want him to leave. But tonight when i asked him to come and get what he needed he said he didn't know if this was going to be for just tonight or not. He said he needs time he said that i wasn't the failure here he is and that he knows that everytime he starts to make the choice to stay home he talks himself out of it and he knows it's wrong. He just doesn't know if he will be happy here. He said he knows deep down he doesn't think this is perment but he is trying to find a way to come back home and this is the only way he knows how to right now.

I feel numb at the moment i am not sure what to expect next or how this is going to go. I have no intentions of talking to him right now. It bothers me that he is a new father that it doesn't pain him to be away from his new infant. That is what bothers me the most. I asked him what about the baby and all he said was well since i can't pick her up at day care tomo i guess i won't see her for a few days. I just can't get over that that seems so easy for him. It hurts a lot.

Thanks for all the continued support

I think you are going to have to think about going into Plan B fairly soon here. Otherwise you are likely to lose your love for him.

Does he give you money, or at leat pay child support?

Bella,

I don't know what to say, but I do understand that pain you are feeling. You have so many people on here who care about you and will walk you through this.

I don't always believe it, but you will be ok and you can get through this if you let G-d lead you. Have FAITH in G-d that he WILL turn this into good.

I can promise you that.

Queenie

No he just left last night.

I am done tho. I feel so numb inside right now and at a peace with myself right this second.

I'm not sure what the outcome of all of this is going to be but what ever it is i love my husband and my daughter and it will work out and if he can't see what changes i have been making that's his lose. My mom talked to me today and said she has noticed how i have changed and we don't see each other that often. She leave in another state. All of my family does and the only reason i am here is because i moved here for him.

I am not sure what i am going to do or how this is going to go but this board and all of the friends i have are a saving grace to me.

Thank you all for reading and taking the time to post.

Hey, just catching up on your thread. I am sorry that he left. I don't have any advice for you, but wanted to let you know that I was wondering how you are doing and thinking of you.

Bella,

I am sorry. You sound in good spirits and at peace, though, and I am so glad to hear it. You have a beautiful baby to care for and that will definitely keep you busy.

Are you still willing to try and make it work with him? Your last post said you love him, and if you want to keep trying, I agree with believer...Plan B. Can you afford to speak to the Harleys asap? They will help you get prepared for it. Plan B is the time for you to continue to work on yourself, and I've read many people talk about it being a very calming time of self awareness and preservation. It sounds like you are off to a good start, since most people are in a total panic when their WS first leaves. So, you are already ahead of the game! You need to set up a mediator so that there is absolutely no direct contact between you. I'll bet he plans on coming and going as he pleases, so you'll have to decide how dark you want to go. My suggestion would be VERY. It will make the biggest impact and will keep him from messing with your head while he is off "finding himself." There are examples of Plan B letters on this site, and if you would like, I can go and find some for you. That way he knows your intentions and doesn't think you refusing to speak to him = you giving up on your marriage.

We are here for you, bella. Let me know if you need anything!

Hi Bella,

I don't post a lot as I don't consider myself "recovered" enough to offer support or advice to others but your story touched me and I just wanted to let you know that things will get better and that I'm thinking of you.

Just remember to take of yourself and your beautiful daughter, nothing else is as important as that.

tarnsy

Tarnsy thank you for taking the time to post to me. I appreciate it. I don't know your story but you will be added to my list of prayers.

Resonance as for your post yes i am willing to make it work that is why i let him go. He truely knows what he is doing is wrong and how he has been treating me was wrong. He has said he himself is lost and the only way to find his way home is to go to IC and sort things out for himself and hope that it brings him home but it may not.

The last time he left i was about one month post partum and i was just newly diagnosed with post partum depression. I have now been on medicine for a month and i am doing great with it.

I have some great plans for the weekend so that should keep me busy i am just hoping the weather is nice so i can take my DD with me and we can get out and about.

I am actually surprising myself at how calm i am right now and how much in control of my life i finally feel. I truely feel i have reach an inner peace today.... may not last tomo but that's ok i will deal with it when it comes. I do get very sad and upset cause he is all i have known for the last 6 and 1/2 yrs. He was my comfort zone the one i could always count on. I never really had anyone to count on before him, but i am learning how to count on myself.

I never really had that kind of outlook before and i am finally coming into my own as far as how i feel about myself and to be honest for the first time since i can ever remember i am begining to really like myself and i am capable of taking a majority of the responisibility for the downfall in our relationship cause i just didn't listen. He tried the best he knew how at the time and i just didn't listen. I get it now and whether he wants to give me that second chance or not is up to him, but i know i am doing all that i can to save my marriage.

I love him and i will always love him that is one thing that i know is for certain at this point.

Learn to count on yourself, as other people will ALWAYS let you down.

I would start thinking about Plan B. Get your ducks in a row, and let him get all of his needs met by someone else. See how he likes that.

I think the other woman is STILL in the picture.

Believer i know what you are saying and you are probably right.....i used to never relie on anyone but myself until i met him. I am a strong person i know this two months ago i wasn't so strong but i am much stronger now than i was then.

I hope he finds what he is looking for i hope he finds peace with himself.

I do think however that i messed up all the hard work and showing him that i am changing the other day when things went down. We argued for a few days and i was crying begging pleading.... you all know the pathetic approach. I just wanted to keep my family together.

I know that is the wrong approach and i feel like i undid everything that i wanted to show him. I am not making these changes for him by an means i need to make them for myself.

Now i don't know if i am supposed to talk to him or not. Everyone is telling me different things and i don't want to do the contact or anything but am i supposed to not answer hhim if contacts me .... am i supposed to ignore him? I love him and i don't want him to think i am not being caring at all. This is all just so hard. We have two houses and new baby and two dogs that i have to take care of.

I know i am more fortunate right now cause i do make good money and i have a place to stay and what not and a great support system, but i just want him to find his way back to me.

he has his space and i hope he figures himself out cause i can't help him do it he won't let me.

I just put an old post about "finding yourself" on Serenity Soon's thread. You gotta go check it out...it'll crack you up! I would post it here, but don't want to take up a bunch more space.

Hang in there, bella...

LaLa, it was great i just put a post there

Hey Bella,

How are things? Believer gave you some suggestions and perceptions a couple days ago.


This may be what you need to protect what love you have for him. It might seem difficult to understand, but it's worked for many others. Before you go to plan B, you'll need to research it and understand how it works, and, like B says, get your ducks in a row (PBL ~ Plan B Letter, finances, intermediary, and other important aspects.)

Others can give you the steps but I'll be here to encourage you.

Ace

oh boy where do i begin....

Yesterday was a world wind..... i went to see a friends new baby and on the way home i had to contact WH re some bills as i have shut off notices now cause he didn't pay some of the bills.

I was up near where he was staying and i thought i would be nice and asked if he wanted me to stop by so he could see the baby. he said he wasn't up to it that he couldn't handle that right then. IT really bothered me but i hung up and said ok

Well we talked this am and i expressed my feelings about that and he told me to not read into it that it ment nothing. Well i have found out that there is a good possiblility that he was at the OW house last night and he choose her over his 3 month old daughter. That upsets me a lot

Well he is supposed to stop by tonight to see DD. He had asked about taking her over night next weekend if he isn't home by then and i told him that i don't think i was ready for that that i can't imagine having to spend a night without her in this house. He said he can only imagine how i felt.

I don't know what ot think and i don't have a 100% concret proof that it was his car either. I am not sure if i should say anything tonight or just let it go for now. I am so numb that the only reason i am upset is that he choose her over his DD if that is even the case. I don't want to stay something to him if i am wrong but blllllaaaahhhhh is all i can say.

Sooooo sorry Bella, for your pain. Somehow you must get proof that is unrefutable. (Photo of car with license # prominently displayed and other marking surroundings that cannot be denied --- that type of proof.)

In the meantime, there are things you can do. (I'm just not sure where to start.)

Hopefully other posters with more experience with these steps will pop in soon.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Bella & DD}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Glad you posted...keep us updated.

Ace