I am Zachb01's wife, read through his story to understand what is going on.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...e=0&fpart=1



Any advice would be great

Hi Sweet,

Well, I can offer you a warm welcome and prayers.

Advice may be beyond my league today... hope you understand.

Welcome... and may you be greatly encouraged, advised, and blessed.

My advice is that you remain separated and make him earn his way back.

Right now every word out of his mouth is tinged with manipulations that you would be ill advised to ingest.

I posted on his thread..not out of malice by the way...that he was to tell you that he only loved you for what he could GET from you, that he was immature, that he was untrustworthy, that he wasn't ready to be a good husband.

All of those things are true and understand this...if he can GET you cheaply he will NOT rise to he occasion.

If he can GET you to reinvest now he will work DOWN from there not up.

Make him DO and COMPLETE the character and relationship building work BEFORE reconciliation is even an option you will consider.

He needs to do it WITHOUT gratification from you or ability to manipulate you.

My other advice? Get thee to the recovering renters thread and do some work yourself to figure out HOW and WHY you found yourself in this rotten predicament and how to avoid it in the future.

My wife was here at my house, and we decided to make her a thread to help us hopefully on the road to recovery. She will be checking this everyday at her house.

Thank you all.


God bless

Welcome to MarriageBuilders, SLT...

How are you doing with processing Zach's long-delayed ownership of what he did last year?

Do I have the time-line correct for last summer?

You are not alone. There are many threads here where the WS chose not to share the truth from their fear of hurting their spouse more. I remember "intention" thread...that was the screenname, where his wife lied for ten years. Sets the clock back in recovery to DDay to the day they are included in the truth.

Lies to self make lies to others. There's a special added hurt in the lying, isn't there?

I look forward to reading your posts, SLT.

LA

Welcome Sweet!

Very interesting username I must say...maybe it's just me reading too much into it, but I'm very curious as to how that name came about. Was it your idea's or Zach's?

Anywhoo, LISTEN TO NOODLE! I've read through Zach's thread, and Noodle's advice is spot on. I was a cheater like Zach is, cheated on my W before we married, and continued my philandering ways afterwards, you can read my story in my sig. I'm still struggling with my W's unforgiveness today almost 10 years later, as we never sought help and I never heard of MB until now. I know in my heart that I truly changed. I recommitted my life to Christ, and allowed Him to cleanse my mind and strengthen me to never go back to my wayward ways. But let me tell you, it was a long and difficult process for me to look at myself and realize what a monster I had become, and that I had to come clean to my DW about what I did to her and accept whatever consequences came my way. I was FULLY PREPARED for my W to leave me and D me when I confessed.

Your husband does not yet seem to be at that point of taking a really long hard look at himself and accepting the consequences of what he's done. Like Noodle says, he's doing things in an effort to manipulate you into coming back to him, NOT in an effort to truly make amends for what he's done and change into a man that will NEVER do those things again. If he is truly remorseful, which he may be, then he must accept that you may leave him. Biblically, you have that right and choice to D him.

Keep reading this site, read the books, and pray for the Lord's guidance on what to do. Do know that you have a choice, and take as long as you need to make up your mind, marriage is serious, and neither of you should take it lightly.

Hi Sweet:

I wanted to tell you that your WH's posts remind me a lot of my WXH's attitude. My WXH is a serial adulterer. IMHO you should raise the bar XTRA HIGH now and not consider reconciliation with your WH too quickly or too easily.

IMHO this request posted by your WH is very revealing and troubling:
"give me advice on how not to get her to dwell and talk about our R"
That to me doesn't sound like the right attitude coming from a WH claiming to be repentant.

In all honesty, I think your WH expects recovery to be much quicker and easier than what it's really going to take. It seems as if he's saying and doing some of the right things... but for self-serving reasons.

I would caution you to not respond positively to his recovery attempts until he stops expecting anything from you. He won't appreciate anything from you if he expects it. He also won't value anything he didn't have to pay a high price to achieve.

He also seems to have some boundary issues IMHO. For example he seems to have some expectations in regards to controlling your activities and friends. He may feel that since he has said and done certain things as recovery attempts that he is entitled to control certain things in your life. He seems to be frustrated and confused as to why his attempts have not 'worked' at getting you to stop certain activities/friendships. This further undermines his desire to be trusted and taken seriously IMHO because it reveals he may only be saying and doing the right things because of a presumption that it should pay off for him in certain ways.

He seems to be a long way from realizing the seriousness of what he's done and acknowledging that he currently has no right whatsoever to expect anything from you. Only after he admits that you are no longer obligated to stay with him will he appreciate it if you do give him another chance.

As I said before I see many similarities between your WH and my WXH. There is the same pattern of saying and doing what he presumes will pay off. And then there is the same frustration that it doesn't pay off as planned. With my WXH by the time I recognized the pattern, his attitude of entitlement had dangerously grown to resentment (for 'having' to say or do anything to get what he presumed he was entitled to in the first place) and anger (when it didn't pay off for him as planned).

Sweet - Glad you decided to come here and read and post. I've read your hubby's thread, and he does seem to be sorry. Now he needs to make permanent changes if he wants you back in his life.

Was he a good husband most of the marriage?