I stumbled on this site, while desperately looking for help with my marriage. My husband and I have been married 11 years and together 4 years before that. We have had a great marriage that people looked to and admired, until now. I don’t know what category my problem fits into, because like all marital problems, it seems to span several categories.
He has always had a relationship with his former girlfriend’s parents, who live in another state. While in the beginning, I thought it was a little odd, they have been wonderful to us and have embraced us as though we are members of their family. The father passed away about 9 years ago and the funeral was the first time my husband had seen his old girlfriend since they broke up. She was incredibly rude to him.
We work in a family business and once or twice a year when he is driving to a trade show, he stops and has dinner with her mother. A few months ago, he announced he was flying to visit the mother and was going to spend a week. Another employee would pick him up and then they would both drive the rest of the way to the trade show.
I was trying to pay a credit card and couldn’t remember the password. The site sent an activation code to his email. I went into his email, and found an email from his old girlfriend thanking him for money that he sent her mother. THe girlfriend is now divorced and living with her mother now. I was very hurt that he didn’t tell me he had sent money, and that NOW that the old girlfriend is living there, he wants to spend a week. He has never done that before. I asked him a couple of questions about the mother, hoping he would say something, but he didn’t. Sending her money is not and would not be an issue and I didn’t understand why he didn’t tell me.
He later wrote me a note and said that if I didn’t want him to go, he wouldn’t. I said I didn’t want him to go. So he cancelled his plane ticket.
When it was time to go to the trade show, he hurried everyone and left with another employee (a friend) 2 days early. Well, you guessed it, to my surprise; he spent two days with the old girlfriend, her mother and son. He was very impressed that she really wanted him to get to know her son. (There is no way he is the father) They worked on a vehicle and did some odd jobs around the house. (I hire anything that needs done at home because he won’t do it).
Before he left, he asked if I would be upset if he stopped by. Of course, I said no because I adore the mother and thought it was just a dinner. Big deal. What a shock!!!!
Since the original email, I regularly check his email now. I found an email the night he left there saying he “can’t get her out of his head” and to let him help her. It turns out she has stage 4 terminal cancer.
I was livid. He said he couldn’t get “her situation” out of his head and that he is going to help her. I said how? His answer was financially; take care of her son, etc. It would be a tough pill to swallow, but it will involve more trips and he wants to be there in the end. He hopes I would help, but he will leave me if it will make it easier on me. I am wrong to make him choose between “saving a life” or being with me.
I told him that he was assuming a lot. Her son has a father and a family, why would she want a stranger to take care of him (she hasn't seen him in 20years); she has a support system to help her make her medical decisions and being there at the end is a very personal private time. Her family or son or ex-husband may not want him there and who is he to say he is going to be there?
After this happened, I had decided not to fly down to the trade show, and then when he said we would talk and I could put make any stipulations as long as he can help. I flew down a few days later.
What a train wreck. I was talking about our relationship and how I feel he has lied, put me second behind her, betrayed me and basically threw our marriage under the bus. He was talking about how proud I should be because he is doing this “noble” thing and that he was only thinking of my feelings by not telling me about what he is doing and that he has not slept with her, so he has been true. I am wrong, he isn’t. I told him I was not comfortable with him calling her when I am not around and I certainly was not comfortable with him visiting them again. He called her every day I was there.
When it was time to go home, I realized the route he was taking home took him directly past where they live. I asked if he was going there and he said yes. I begged him not to go there. Just one good faith effort to put our marriage first. He got angry and said he wouldn’t go there and that he was leaving me anyway.
Later he called and said he made a promise to her son to help with a project and could he go help. He said it is important to him to keep his promises. I told him to do what he thought was right; he made a promise to me too.
They went there and his friend did all of the work on this project. My husband and the son were off doing something else. He then took the friend to the hotel and went back to the house for “coffee”. He turned off his cell phone, so I called the house and told him it was time to get back to the hotel.
When he got back to the hotel, I called him and said this was enough. He has taken advantage of me, his friend and the company enough. It has to stop. I said he needs to leave first thing in the morning, not stop by there, and get home. He said he had to pick up his tools. I said fine, but asked him to promise me he would leave, not do anything, just leave. He promised.
The next morning I called and he was on his way there. He was going to do a couple of things and then leave. I was furious, so he got the tools and left and let me know how unreasonable I am because he was trying to be honest with me and I blew my top.
I told him that he has lost perspective and we need to work on us. I want him to separate himself from the situation for a while and not call them until he gets home and we can talk. He said he would not call them. I am sure you noticed by now, he has stopped calling me. He says because we are rehashing the same things. When we have talked about it, he ridicules my feelings and is sarcastic.
The friend dropped him off at his family’s house (in another state) for Thanksgiving, which was the original plan. He called her as soon as he got there to “let her know he made it okay” and every day he has been there.
He is due to come home tomorrow and I am at a loss at what to do. I do not want a divorce, but I won’t live with lies and secrets. He doesn’t see that he has done that. I won’t live with being second and he doesn’t see why I feel that way.
I have spoken to his sister and one of his best friends about this. He has a tremendous amount of respect for their opinion. They have talked to him, told him what he is doing is wrong and said they don’t understand how he can walk away from the best relationship he has ever had in his life to help someone who has only used him and treated him badly.
This is our first fight in 15 years, so I am sure that exacerbates the situation. I have looked at the marriage builders site, and until this started, we lived the principles without knowing there was a name for them.
I am completely devastated by this and worried that when he comes home, we will not be able to work through this. Trust is gone, and I feel completely devalued. If I was talking about this happening because he was drinking, I would be able to take him to rehab. I don’t think there is a rehab for dysfunctional old relationships. He doesn't keep his promises to me. Stipulations on the situation are fine, unless I make some. He says he is shocked by how I have reacted to this. It was "just an innocent email".
How do I help him to see that how this was handled is the problem? Is my marriage beyond help? Please help me!!!
