I originally posted this in the 'Infidelity' section then a new friend on this site advised me to post here (thanks BHHFSGuy. Found it). I am trying to get as much advice as possible.

My 36 year old friend, who is overseas, has just told me that she left her husband 3 months ago for a guy who sits opposite her at work. She had been with her husband for 7 years (2 married) but said they had been having problems for a while, arguing a lot, even though she said that he really does love her and cares for her.

She says the guy at work has always been really nice to her (although she is very good looking) and is very 'sensitive', which she didn't think her husband was. She has worked with the guy for 20 months but only started to 'fall in love' with him over a period of 2 months after a big row she had with her husband. She never had any feelings for the new guy before that.

She says the new guy is sensitive, however, he doesn't seem that sensitive to me when she told me he;
1. He told his wife that he had feelings for someone else (with her for 3 years) in a theme park when they were out with her son (not his son but he has been around from the ages 3 to 6 and the boy calls him 'Dad).
2. Still went home and had sex with his wife then for the next few days despite having told my friend a few days before that he loved her and wanted to be with her. He told her he did it out of 'guilt'.
3. Left my friend standing there alone when they bumped into her husband at a railway station 5 days after she left her husband for him.
4. It seems she is at least his 5th girl in 8 years - all from his office.
5. Her husband has complained that the guy has a smug grin the couple of times he has passed him at the office (yes, the husband works at the same office too, poor guy). She thinks the new guy has a 'nervous smile'.

She does have problems with her self esteem and I don't think she values herself as highly as she should do. Perhaps that's why she's with the new guy. She was always accusing her husband of having affairs even though he never did anything wrong (that we know of). She even said her husband asked her if she was very ill who would she want by her side and she admitted she'd want her husband. Neither can she say she's proud of the new guy.

It would be great to get the views and advice from anyone out there as I want to give her the best advice in this dangerous situation. She seems confused by the situation and says her 'head is numb'. I am the only person she has spoken to as she doesn't have any close friends where she lives and I want to make sure it's the best advice I can give her. So as many responses as possible would be very much appreciated.

Thanks for your help.

Tell her she's an idiot and you have to rethink her BF status. Then get support to her BS. He needs to expose.

OM has a track record? HR needs to know.

L.

GBF1,

Ask your girlfriend to call up her husband and the OM at 2 am because her WC is backed up.

Stick with the guy that shows up.

Well, I can understand why her self esteem is low. It is because she is behaving in ways that are sleazy and unesteemable. There is nothing esteemable about adultery.

I would tell her what I told my ex-girlfriend about her affair: that her affair will quickly crumble. [which it did in under 2 yrs] What her OM does with her, he will do to her. Affairs never last because they are based on all our very worst traits, dishonesty, infidelity, fraud, cruelty, etc. Ninety five % of affairs crumble, and of those that do make it to marriage, 80% of those end in divorce, because the partners do not believe in or practice honesty or faithfulness.

Her OM will dump her as soon as someone new comes along because he does not believe in fidelity or honor. Tell her she can count on it. But by then, her H will have probably moved on to a more suitable partner who was really committed to him. So, she will end up with nothing, but a lot of grief and a lack of self respect.

Your friend would be crazy to leave her H for a cheater.

My GF divorced her H of 30 years for her OM. After the divorce, the OM dumped her just like I told her he would and went back to his wife. My GF's H has moved on and is in love with someone else now. My GF's grown children will not allow her in their homes and around their grandchildren because they consider her a bad influence. She also lost all of her friends and her reputation is ruined. [I won't have a cheater and a liar for a friend] She has to work 2 cheesy jobs just to support herself.

She has LOST EVERYTHING dear to life over her short term affair.

Since your friend will end up with nothing from her affair, I would suggest to her that she at least ask to get paid for her services. It would be stupid to put out for free to a man who is going to dump her very soon. That way she won't walk away completely empty handed.

"Well, I can understand why her self esteem is low. It is because she is behaving in ways that are sleazy and unesteemable. There is nothing esteemable about adultery."

I agree with the above statement form Melody. I've heard this excuse from women who get involved with married men... about them having 'low self-esteem'... Seems odd to me that they think becoming an adulteress will somehow boost their self-esteem? Sheesh! Just how LOW are they to start with that becoming an adulteress would be an improvement?!?!? And the OM has a track record of adulrerour realtionships with other female workers before her? Oh yea, that would boost my self-esteem... falling prey to the seductions of such a loser - NOT!

I agree with the poster who advised to inform HR at the company. This loser OM should be fired ASAP. Plus his wife needs to be informed ASAP too. YOU should do this exposing yourself ASAP.

Oh and your friend should definitely get tested for STD's!

Thanks for your comments. I understand what you are saying about lack of self esteem but she had this before the affair. I wonder if someone with low self esteem leaves a good person and goes to a low value person because that's all they think they are worth?

Sorry, forgot to mention that OM's wife knows. He told her he had 'feelings' for someone else while they were out in a theme park with her 6 year old son!

My friend and OM have been living together last 3 months. She does say she feels guilty every minute of the day - do people who think they are in madly love with OP really feel this guilt?

I'm not sure about the office policy as it is in Europe.

GBF, people with low self esteem usually feel that way because of their poor choices; because there is not much TO esteem. I sincerely doubt this was her first such bad choice. Regardless, acting sleazy is a sure fire way to lower her self esteem immeasurably. If she wants good self esteem, then she must behave in esteemable ways.

GBF1,

This might seem harsh, but I'd tell my friend that until she was willing to end her affair and look for ethical ways to deal with her unhappiness, that I wouldn't be able support her or have her in my life. It's hard....but it's one of the consequences of affairs.

I would contact her husband and offer him as much support and help as you can. Suggest that he obtain and read Surviving an Affair, and follow the plans as they are layed out. Make sure that he understands that you are a friend of the marriage, and would like to see this resolved. She will most certainly tell him that you support her decisions because that's what they do.

Other than that, the best you can do is speak the truth to her. She probably won't listen, but you will know that you did what you could.

Oh sure, even the thrill of ill-gotten goods cannot completely drown out the conscience. Sometimes it also takes massive doses of alcohol and narcotics to achieve that.

I hope that you are not still associating with her while she is a cheater. She is certainly not friend material as she is now. You should dump her until she comes back to her senses and dumps her sleazy affair.

Thanks for your advice. I'm not in contact with the husband and don't want to betray my friend otherwise she'll probably never listen to me.

Silly question I know, but I have to ask to be fair to her, does anyone out there think she has a chance with the new guy? Perhaps some guys meet what they think is the 'right one/love of their life' and stay happily with them ever after.

I had to ask!

I would suggest that staying "friends" with her is not an act of friendship but an act of enablement. She is not
"friend" material and I would ask yourself why you would remain friends with someone lies and cheats and abuses others? If she ever comes to her to senses again she will REMEMBER that you enabled her, and dump you. A "friend" does not sit by while her "friend" destroys herself.

How would it be a "betrayal" to contact her husband? A "betrayal" of what? Her AFFAIR? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />


A married man in a filthy adulterous affair is never the "right one." It can never be "right." Affairs do not make people happy; they destroy people. Happiness is the result of living RIGHT.

I take your point and would take often support it. It's difficult for a person to understand but she really is a good person, liked by all I have seen her come across, not the most confident of people but I think she is naive.

I think that since the new guy has had a number of women from the office that he would have been working on her as soon as she started there 2 years ago. Coupled with some rough times with her husband she sought some emotional support from the new guy. It's easy to see it from the outside but she doesn't seem to see him for what he is - probably has a fantasy of him being a knight in shining armour!

The same could be said of my friend, Theresa. However, she was not being a "good person" when she was screwing a married man and father of 3 little ones. As her true friend, I could not support her in being cruel and destructive to others and told her this. I was always willing to be supportive of her if she wanted to do the right thing, but not in being cruel and dangerous. She knows if she changes that, I will be here for her. But I will not be a "friend" to a liar and a cheater.


Right, most affairs are based on fantasies and quickly crumble under the light of day. Sadly, he will soon dump your friend for his next ho and your friend may have lost her marriage by then.

GBF1,
Are you married? If so put yourself in the OM's BW's shoes. Affairs are very hurtful to everyone around the A's including friends like you. This is wrong, you know it is and you have to somehow get through to your friend. Even if it means telling her BH.

GB:

As I wrote on your other thread (not sure if you saw that), she has NO chance of a successful relationship with this serial cheater. Most likely it will end when she finds him cheating or has to make a trip to the doctor for a mysterious burning sensation (or worse).

It WILL end! Tell her that she should end it now while she still has a chance to heal her marriage.

And as Orchid said, someone at his work needs to be notified. If they don't have a policy that forbids this, they need one. OM should be fired.

Guys, thanks for your comments. I think when some people aren't so strong they think the easiest way back to happiness is to jump ship. As other's have told me, they are only bringing their problems to the next realtionship. There has been no space to think between partners and to think about or investigate what needs fixing.

I have told her that if it was someone else and she was looking in she wouldn't have anything to do with the new guy. She seems to silently (I have to talk over phone due to distance) agree with me but can't pull away from him.

It seems to be the fog everyone talks about.

Hi MelodayLane, Gale44, St*rfish, Orchid, Cymanca, Meremortal and others,

I've been away on holidays and have an update for you, and of course a request for your thoughts and advice. I spoke to her at the weekend and she said the longer it's going on she's missing her husband more. She is confused and will take advice to see a counsellor to sort herself out (however, knowing her it takes her a while to get to doing things).

She went round to see her husband the weekend before to sort out some matters and sensed he was seeing someone. He admitted he was seeing someone the last few weeks but insisted he was not getting heavily involved and still had barriers up and feelings for her. She said she was missing him before she found out about the new girl but still has feelings for the new guy.

It's around the 5 month time now I guess. From you guys experience is there any kind of timeframe for this or chain of events?

She is supposed to go to the new guys parents for Christmas but my advice was that she goes to her own parents for some time to think about things without either guy.

Your advice is appreciated.

Thanks GBF1

She will continue to have feelings for the new guy unless she goes a few months without any contact at all.

Do this guy's parents know he's dating a married woman? They should be told this. Ideally they will disapprove and not allow her to come there.

Oh, and while going to see a counselor may seem like a good idea, unless the counselor is well-versed with infidelity, they will probably be no help to the marriage.