Just found out my wife had a one two week affair with a neighbor. I know it only went on for two weeks through confirmation with him and his wife.

During that time they engaged in 5 sex acts, some letter writing and talk. Since then everything has been really good and I would have never know had she not disclosed.

Any suggestions on how to recover from this? I find it personnaly devestating to know the secret was there all these years but I didn't know.

Welcome to marriagebuilders. It is good that you found us. Although everyone thinks that the disclosure of an old affair is not as hurtful as a current one, that is not true. We have had several folks here at MB posting about an affair in the past that they just discovered.

Is your wife answering all of your questions? Has she given you an explanation of the WHY? Is she sorry?

TaggerS,

Please read the articles on this site. They will offer you some interesting tools to use in your recovery AND you will understand people here better when they offer you advice.

What prompted your W to finally tell you this long held secret?

Are you and your W still in normal contact with this neighbor?

What plans does your W have to help reestablish trust within you and to address the feelings that you clearly have?

We need more information, in order to help, but please do some reading and then ask LOTS of questions.

God Bless,

JL

What explanation did she give you for engaging in such behavior and disresecting you and your marriage this way? Did you ask her how and what she would be thinking if the roles had been reversed? Why was she willing to risk her marriage for this?

Hi TaggerS,

My situation is similar to yours... but I'd like to see your answers to Just Learning's questions before I reply to you...


Semper Fi,

RIF

The wife confessed to me after we went through an emotionally straining period of our marriage. Nothing significant, just tough times. We both came out and confessed a lot of things (I had nothing like this!).

We are long away from this neighbor, we are on opposite sides of the country and have been since 6 months after the affair ended.

As far as rebuilding that's the tough one. Not sure how to proceed from here. She initially didn't confess the entire story, just a very small portion of the two week affair. After many conversations and my persistance she told me the rest of the story. I'm concerned about the cover up so long after the affair, she claims to protect me from knowing the full extent and fear I'd divorce her.

She basically doesn't have a reason she can give, she doesn't fully remember the situations (she says) and to be quite honest I don't remember any turmoil at the time. She was very young when it happended (18) and had done something similar prior to our marriage.

I do know a little about the neighbor and he had multiple affairs with young women. He was slightly older and seemed to prey on naive young women.

My problem is do I belive her? How can I confirm her story? What do I start to do to get back to normal?

as you can see by my sig line that I have dealt with about the same stuff,,,didn't know about most of it until 17 yrs later,,,my H has done alot a long time ago.

are you sure there isn't more with other A's over the years?

and to you since its new it might as well have happened yesterday

my H does not remember alot either,,and like you,, so he says,,he says he spent 17 yrs trying to forget what he did.

I always knew there was something,,,I could just feel it,,plus there were things he said that made me go hmmm.

would anyone reccomend that you email this guy? or call him?
would you want to do that? I know I have wanted to. Infact I did contact the ONS,,we went to school with her and I was afraid that I would run into her,,,I emailed her and told her I knew,,,she was very apologetic,,,she lied though but thats ok I don't care what she says,,,I just wanted her to know I knew,,,anyway she has had a rough life,,,Karma will get ya.

TaggerS,

Ok, first thought for you to consider. Your W was 18 when this happened. She is now 35 right? Most people don't mature until their mid to late 20's with regard to making decisions and dealing with feelings.

SOOOOOO! If you have confidence in her being a good W for these many years my guess is that she learned from what she did and she is someone you can trust NOW. The woman she was at 18 you clearly could not trust. The woman she is now you can trust.

Having said that doesn't relieve the pain does it? Having said that doesn't make things right does it? Having heard from your W that she cheated on you doesn't strengthen your marriage does it?

So let me tell you what can make all of this a positive. It is to read the articles here, have your W do the same. Consider some pro-marriage counseling and make your marriage into something you both enjoy, treasure, and are proud of. My guess from what you have said is that things are not all that great,part of the reason might be her guilt.

But, frankly few people are born with the innate ability to know how to make a good marriage, and frankly some of what makes a good marriage is counter intuitive at first. You are here, you are hurting and your marriage at the very least needs a tune up. That this sad news and make it work for you, your W, and your marriage. Learn from it, learn about a good marriage and how you both can do this, and I think you will find that you will be rewarded.

It has been said many times over the years here, by people who have been betrayed "I hate to say the affair my spouse had was a good thing, but we now have a much better marriage than we ever had before."

It was not the affair of course, it was the work put into the understanding relationships and marriage following the wake up call of the affair.

I am not saying you have done anything wrong, but you stated your marriage was going through some rough spots. A clue my friend. Further, somehow this rough spot really hit your W and she felt the need to be honest, she should be commended for doing that finally.

TaggerS, what you have before you is an opportunity, the only issue is are you going to seize it? Is your W going to seize it? If you both do, you will look back on this point as a major turning point in your lives and your marriage.

Please do some reading here, ask lots of questions, and know that you can recover your marriage and have it better than before. The door has been kicked open in a rather harsh way, but the door is open, consider using this opportunity.

God Bless,

JL

Your situation sounds nearly identical to mine! I'm nearly positive that nothing else happened, frankly she was sincere and told me out of the blue as far as I was concerned. She broke it off, we moved, and things changed for us dramatically. I really feel she's being honest since she's confessed things to me that happened before we were married or dating.

She did have a pretty abusive first relationship with an ignorant boy, emotional and physical. Was in and out of relationships prior to marriage using sex to replace affection; all confirmed by ex's and friends. The affair was in the first 10 months of marriage, straight sex, nothing fancy as reported by her. I did manage to find the guy on Classmates.com and shot him a message; Thanksgiving week, message still unread.

Thanks for the insight. I have to say my line of thinking was nearly inline with everything you said, thanks!

Quite frankly most people are pretty naive and stupid at 18, agreed. I want to believe she just messed up and made a mistake. The rough patch we were having was just work/family (3 kids under 5) stress, it's been repaired but now I have this.

I'll look around at the self help issues and see what we should do. Honestly I'm not worried, I just need to know about gettting over the hurt issues and moving forward. She's doing everything in her ability to make me feel better about it, open, honest, loving down to the last detail. I think it's my interal dialog I have to answer then get with her so we can get on the same plan.

I agree that 18 is young, my H was in his late 20's and 30yrs old when H decided that the double life was no good, just wished H had told me that he made decisions for my illusion. anyway, thats bitterness talking.

one thing I ask myself, does these las 17 yrs of H being faithful account for anything? yes it does. but, always a smelly but, I just wish H wouldn't of lied all these years. Now that I got the truth what do I do with it, I don't want to dwell and have pictures in my head.
we started seeing a MC a year ago, that has helped. We are both different now, these things are life changing. We put each other first. I refuse to let triggers run my life. I keep reading this board and do things that I and we enjoy.
let these 18 yrs of faithfulness mean something for you. I am not saying that your hurt should be gone, it won't for a while, and don't let anyone say, oh its in the past! yes for W it was but not for you, its brand new for you. keep doing what you can to help you and you W.

Hey TaggerS,

Mrs. RIF was 18-20 when she had her A's... I knew about one A, I suspected another. I didn't find out about the other 7 A's until 10+ years later in Dec 2000. Mrs. RIF was 32 when she confessed the other 7 As.

My best advice for you and your W is to find a good pro-marriage counselor and start going. You guys CAN rebuild your M.

For me, when Mrs. RIF confessed the unknown A's, it was like they had just happened. The pain was very real. So if anyone say's "well it happend so long ago..." don't listen to them. You will have to deal with this pain as well as the pain of knowing that your W kept this from you for so long.

That is why I strongly recommend finding a good MC.

I now know that Mrs. RIF isn't the same person that she was when she was 18 and involved in her A's... she has shown me that she is trustworthy by her consistent actions over the past years.

The fact that your W confessed this A to you speaks VOLUMES and you should thank her for her honesty. Find a good MC and start going with your W, and keep posting here... You guys can make it through this.

Semper Fi,

RIF

Thanks for the advice. Her actions over the years since have been consistently faithful and honest; I know becuase she's worked near or around friends and co-workers spouses since then, they kept an eye out for me.

I have to tell you that while I hate the fact she decieved me these years and even tried to cover it up recently; the fact she came forward without reason is HUGE in my books. I think we might look at some counseling, even if it's just a little, to see how it goes. I don't think we need a lot of work, just some fine tuning.

Thanks for the info!

-Aim High (20 years and counting!)

Tagger,

First thing I want to say is that I think, and this is just an opinion, that your wife finally trust you and is so secure in your relationship that she wanted you to know everything. I also think that it burdened her keeping it from you because she is a very honest person overall.

Secondly, your situation reminds me of someone I know very well. I have posted a little of their story on here years ago. Of course, there are differences and this is a different couple, but I think it's important I share this with you...

Michelle and Rick were high school sweethearts. Rick never quite made Michelle feel totally secure with his love in Michelle's eyes. Early in their marriage, Michelle, close to your wife's age, leaves Rick and before she files for divorce she starts seeing another man. Rick and Michelle finally work things out but Rick never quite forgave Michelle because even though she left, they were still married.

The years go by, they have two beautiful girls, they become very close. Michelle is a wonderful wife and Rick will tell you this. Although, Rick never quite forgave Michelle, and I think through the years he sort of punished her for that one mistake. Rick never looked at his own mistakes leading up to the affair. Michelle would beg Rick for more affection, to make her feel more loved, kiss her neck, etc. Rick would say, "That's not me." Rick became even less affectionate after they reconciled.

About 4 or 5 years ago, I think they were close to 20 years of marriage, Rick confesses to several affairs recently, he uses the excuse that he never forgave her and that is why. Now, their marriage is hanging by a thread even today. Rick wants it to work and is finally being a little more attentive but he slips back and forth into his old ways. Michelle feels even more insecure in a relationship that she truly never felt love in and she feels hurt that after, 20 years of marriage, being the best wife and mother she could be, that Rick would use the first couple of years of their marriage to justify his affairs and actions.

Okay, different from your situation but a similarity and my point is, you have every right to be hurt, but don't let it eat you up, eventually forgive your wife and know that she made a mistake when she was very young and that she did become a wonderful wife when she matured. Also, get the counseling, make sure you guys are both willing and are meeting the needs of your partner.

Anna

Hey TaggerS,

Sounds good... even though feel that you don't need "a lot of work", I would strongly suggest that you both look into counseling.

For me, it was very hard to deal with the hidden truth. I started to question our entire M. MC gave me the tools to work THROUGH the pain and anger.

I'm glad that you realize just what a gift your W gave you by confessing her A. But I would also caution you that at some point in time you will have some negative feelings about her A and the fact that she kept it from you for 18 years.

This is completely normal, but you will need to work through these feelings with your W in order to heal.
A good pro-marriage MC can help you both as you work through this and it will keep you from learning by trial and error.

Oh, and thank you for your service to our great nation! (I'm a former Marine, and I'm in the Army now)

Semper Fi,

RIF

TaggerS,

Got a question for you. Have you thanked your W for telling you? If not you really should. I know this sounds counter intuitive, but rebuilding and building a good marriage often is. You need to thank her because her honesty NOW, means your marriage has a chance to grow in ways that it probably would not have if she kept the secret.

You may not be surprised to know that there have been many WS's on this site that came her wanting to "go to the grave" with their secret. The problem with doing this is that she had to and would have continued to have to "keep a part of her secret from you." This partitioning leads to putting up walls to protect the secret, and those walls will grow with time, leading to a distancing as the years go by.

What your W did was tear down the wall of secrecy. She exposed herself to your hurt, your anger, your pain, and she is in affect telling you that she trusts you more than you realize. It NOW allows you two to develop a level of intimacy that would never have been possible without this honesty.

Yes,you are hurt. Yes, you need to tell her that you are hurt. But, more you two need to discuss how each of you felt then and how you feel now. What has she learned from this, and what have YOU learned from it. You could say "I learned that I cannot trust you." Perhaps that is true. You could just as well say that you have learned that she has grown in the years. You could have learned that when push comes to shove she is honest and values honesty now far more than she did when 18. You might suspect that she NEEDS openness and honesty from you at a level you have not experienced with her yet. So many things can be learned from this, and she has given your marriage a chance to be what it could not be if she maintained her walls.

Given all of this, don't you think a "thank you for telling me." might be in order? I do.

God Bless,

JL

Anna, I've had a lot of help from here and don't know if I thanked you yet. You're right, she was young and screwed up; is she the same person, no.

I love her and even trust her beyond belief today. Her actions hurt us, not me. I've told her the issues with everything and she's provided me honest (my opinion) answers.

JL...

Yes, I have thanked her and made a strong point of telling her that she is braver than I am for admitting it. I personally don't know if I could've done it after this amount of time.

The one question that keeps beating me up is the why? She says she can't explain it, she just did it. She remembers many details of what happened but not the why, this drives me crazy. Anyone having been through this know what I mean? Anyone having done it can you explain or should I believe she's deceiving me still? She claims she didn't really enjoy it, straight kissing then sex, nothing else, just on and off. Do I believe it compared to what we have now?

I want to believe it's just difficult to knowing the lies were out there. Any suggestions on that?

Just thought I'd post a message she sent me trying to help explain the situation. I post this to help myself and others wondering, any insight or comments are welcome.

----------------------------------------------------------
When I was 13 years old I thought I was in love. I had a relationship with someone who appeared to care about me, told me he loved me and didn’t want to lose me. When he moved I had a relationship with someone else who told me this first person must not have really loved me if he’d hurt me like that, treated me like that, and did I really think he’d come back for me? I started this relationship being pulled from one place to the next by a person who was already at the time going to leave me too.(comment:I was going to the military) I didn’t believe at first that he’d come back for me either but I fell in love and I realized that I had never felt that way before. This was the real thing. That person left me to make a life for us, and I made a huge mistake of not listening to my heart, of not thinking about his love for me. I clung onto someone else and ended up cheating on my fiancé. But he said he loved me and still wanted to marry me. When the wedding date got close I was terrified of leaving home, I had no idea what to expect, how well I was loved. I was wracked with guilt over cheating the first time but I was still drawn back to that person. I can only assume it was an attempt to cling onto the familiar, however wrong that familiar was. I don’t have a good enough reason for being so incredibly stupid. I spent the first year of my marriage feeling like I was being punished, sleeping in bed at night next to a man who was distant from me. I wondered why he’d married me if he hadn’t forgiven me, and I still had the guilt over cheating the second time. I have spent my life thinking I’m a freak for this longing in my heart, my body. I was lonely and stupid and I cheated again. I listened to the talk and craved the attention but I very quickly realized how wrong I was, what I was doing was violating my marriage, my dreams, and I stopped it. I spent the next years hiding from myself, never wanting my husband to know just how horrible I was. I wanted to stay married to this man and spend the rest of my life with him.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Info: she 'cheated' during our dating with OM1
she 'cheated' prior to marriage with OM1
she cheated just after marriage with OM2

wow, W sounds like my H, he spent all these years burying his secrets, he knew if I found out I would go. he thought if he changed his ways before I found out he could die with his lies. I could feel the walls, thats why last year I called him out on his lies of omission, he still lied, I left, when I was gone a week he knew that I was probably not coming back, he then admitted to some of the lies, then I was gone a month and only with threats of calling someone did he come clean with the last details, still not sure what is truth. I was gone 6 months, I was going to divorce him, with his persistence I came back, now trying to work it out.