I can only assume it was an attempt to cling onto the familiar, however wrong that familiar was. I don’t have a good enough reason for being so incredibly stupid. I spent the first year of my marriage feeling like I was being punished, sleeping in bed at night next to a man who was distant from me. I wondered why he’d married me if he hadn’t forgiven me, and I still had the guilt over cheating the second time. I have spent my life thinking I’m a freak for this longing in my heart, my body. I was lonely and stupid and I cheated again. I listened to the talk and craved the attention but I very quickly realized how wrong I was, what I was doing was violating my marriage, my dreams, and I stopped it. I spent the next years hiding from myself, never wanting my husband to know just how horrible I was. I wanted to stay married to this man and spend the rest of my life with him.