Married 25 years, 3 children. Therapy three years ago because life at home had become a misery (too much conflict) and because of persistent secrecy and lies (mostly over trivial issues). After a year in therapy confessed to an affair after the birth of our first child 17 years ago which OW stopped after a number of years. H swore this was the only time and asked forgiveness. A month later I discovered evidence of a current affair which I confronted him with. After much denial, he finally confessed to a current three year affair and to another one before that. He immediately promised to dump OW. Without the benefit of the information on this site, I allowed him to do this face to face over a month with two meetings including a faked up suicide on her part. He said it was over. I think he had been wanting to get rid of her for ages but was afraid of her.

We went to therapy and worked on the marriage. Things were going pretty well except that over the course of the next few months I discovered evidence of occasional telephone contact from her which he confirmed when confronted. About six months after the end of the A, I was away and he sneaked off to see her. He swears it was only lunch but he stank of cheap perfume when he returned. He lied about it for five days, both to me and to our son before finally confessing to meeting her. He also confessed to having continued to send her money each month after the end of the A. He said that the lunch was for him to check she was ok before he stopped her ‘allowance’. Swears that nothing happened. Swears that there has been no contact since.

This was a year ago. I can’t get over this ‘lunch’. I feel totally stuck. Am I crazy?

No, you're not crazy. You're hurt. Just like alot of us here. Have you read Dr. Harley's basic concepts? And his Q&A columns are great for answering some of your questions too. Go to the bookstore & get his book "Surviving An Affair" it will help.

I hope you and your spouse will be able to restore your marriage. Everybody here is great for support.

Thank you for this LAsunshinegirl. It's so nice not to feel alone. I've read the concepts and ordered the book. I wish I had found this forum earlier!

Hi lied! Sorry to hear about what's happened to you. Can we talk about "accountability"? Because it seems to me that your recovery is missing a few steps....and that might be why you're still suffering. Who knows about these affairs? What has your husband done to open his life to you? Do you have complete access to his life, email, phone records, credit card records. Do the other betrayed spouses have the same information that you do?

You aren't alone and I don't blame you for being disillusioned. Any contact....puts you right back at square one. Maybe there are some loose ends to tie up?

(((((((((((((((((((liedto)))))))))))))))))))))

liedto, in addition to opening up his life to you, I would suggest that you NEVER spend the night apart again. As you have learned the hard way, that is just an invitation to an affair. Dr Harley recommends that EXTRAORDINARY PRECAUTIONS be taken in order to prevent another affair.

Here is a good article about overcoming resentment that might be helpful: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5062_qa.html

Yes, star*fish, I definitely missed a few steps as I did not know about this forum. I wish I had known about plan A and plan B.


Only me and a few people very close to me like my parents and children



As I am an IT geek, he believes I have access to all his data now. She calls him from payphones. He even believes I put a tracker in his Crackberry so he left it behind when he went to see her for 'lunch'. He is seriously sneaky.



No, only the first one was married, the other two are single. This latest one was middle aged, fat and desperate.


I feel worse now than I did at the discovery. I have totally withdrawn. I don't know whether there is any place to go.'t I promised my son that I wouldn't file for divorce without trying for recovery but I can't face any therapy. H has asked me to do one of the emotional needs questionnaires but then told me he needed me to read his too. At that point I refused to fill one in. I am totally not interested in his emotional needs. He says he wants to save the marriage but I think he is really only interested in himself.




Thanks

Hi Melody_Lane
Right now I don't feel like spending ANY nights with him.

Crackberry!! LMAO...that is a good one! Perfect! Crackberry for the WS Crackheads!

I'm glad you found MB, everyone here is great and can really help you feel like a human again & get some control of your life.

Well I have now read a lot of the posts on this discussion board and want to say that you lot are fantastic! I now realise that there are several things going on in my situation that are the reasons I am stuck;

Firstly WH was trying to escape from the A when I discovered them so that my plan A gave him a really easy way to get out.

So I suppose that I feel he got away with it.

Then the continuing contact was a major love buster. He was not cheating but stayed in touch because he felt guilty about what he had done to HER. Of course to me it felt that he was just doing what he damn well pleased and that he cared more about the damage to her than the damage to me.

He is a very controlling person and does not see why I should have any say over how he spends his time or his money even though he says he wants to save the marriage.

Now he tells me there are two other women who are flirting with him. I really think he honestly thinks this is a good way to get me back.

We have had some counselling but the person we saw said that he would not change and that I needed to accept him as he was or divorce him. I now realise that we were seeing the wrong kind of counsellor and that if he really wants to save the marriage he actually does have to change.

So maybe some sessions with Dr Harley are called for? Anyone with experience of this who can advise?

I have some experience similar to yours - a 25 year marriage to a serial adulterer. IMHO you should schedule an appointment with Dr. Harley to work out a customized plan for you.

In addition to the wonderful books mentioned here you might also read:

Men Who Can't Love (can't remember the author at this moment). This book helped me understand the serial adulterer agenda (and how to stop falling for it).

Wild @ Heart by John Eldridge helped me gain understanding of why some males end up involved in adultery, what they are trying to achieve. It also restored my faith that it is possible for even a severely damaged male to become a man of integrity. (One of my daughters 'accidently' left this book @ my WXH's place... he brought it up to me once and commented that he didn't believe in 'fairy tales' so in my case it didn't help my WXH. I'm considering asking him to send the book back to us.)

Thanks meremortal, will do. I suppose it helps that
WS is the one that wants to save the marriage.

Can I ask whether Dr Harley was able to help you? Your posting seemed to indicate that he had not been able to save your marriage.

No need to answer if this is too personal.

he is cheating if he is still talking to her!

you need to put an end to this now!

has he done a NC letter? I thought you had said in an earlier post that he had told her it was over but then saw her? tell him to write a letter or call her on speaker phone so you can hear. be done with this or tell him you are done with him, he is playing both sides, and why not if he can have both of you?

Why does he need to give her $$?? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

L.

Bump.... curious about the $$?!??!?! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

Hi doingfine

He has had no contact with her since September 2006 for sure. The breakup happened on discovery six months earlier, it had got out of control so this was a perfect way out for him.

My problem is that I can't recover any feelings for him. I know he wants to make the marriage work but I don't. He is controlling and dependent and drives me nuts with his endless victim stuff.

Whenever I try to explain how I feel, he tells me that it is because I am incapable of love because I was adopted!

m25 years
3 children
H admitted to three As in 2006.

This is a very manipulative woman, she managed to convince him that she would have to move out of her flat unless he paid the rent!

After the split and faked up suicide, she started to stalk me. When that did not work and he refused to take her calls, she had friends phone him to tell him that she was starving and that her life was in ruins as the trauma had made her incapable of working. Of course he fell for it, what a moron.

Look into filing an RO. What you described c/b extortion.

L.

Believe me, there were a lot of things I was tempted to do. She apparently talked to her mother every day in Tel Aviv for advice. She even almost got WS to convert to her religion. There were no tricks she and her mother did not use.

She is a realtor and I build websites so wanted to put her fat ugly face on the server saying what she did for money so that everyone googling her name would find it. It would have got her fired in a heartbeat.

Oh and I knew that she got her green card fraudulently so could have got her sent back to Israel for lying on her application.

In the end I did nothing as they were both at fault and it seemed to me that by outing her, in some way I was making excuses for WS's behaviour..

Report her to INS. We don't need another OP in this country. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> Let them know what you know about the A and her threats of suicide and the extortion issue.

Btw, her supposed threats are probably because she wants to use him to bring others into this country. Doesn't matter her ethnic origin, it is the fact that her morals are whacked.

L.

I'll sleep on this. They do say that revenge is a dish best eaten cold :-)