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#1977791 11/24/07 03:59 PM
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We have been together for almost two years and have lived together for a year. He is thirty two and I am twenty seven. We got engaged in July and I thought we were happy. I suspected him of cheating on me recently because he was always argumentive and daily sex became once a week. I was watching tv in our living room last week while he was on the computer in the bedroom. I needed to pay a bill I almost forgot about so started using it. I needed to find a page from my online banking and searched the history. There were so many adult sites and adult swinger sites. I clicked on the pages and saw what he was looking at. I couldn't see everything so I didn't say anything to him right away. I stayed online when he took a shower and downloaded a tracking application. I took my shower and he went back to the computer. He stayed online for a while and I made dinner. I went back to the computer when he watched tv and checked to see if something was going on. He had profiles at three adult sites, listing himself as a woman, with a woman's pic. He was viewing webcams and replying to messages. He also had a myspace profile with another guy's pic, searching and adding women. I also saw a lot of hard core porn sites he was going to. I confronted him, crying because I could not understand what he was doing. We fought all night and he swore he did not cheat on me. He showed me his cell phone bill to prove it but I still can't trust him. He promised me he would never do this again. I love him and this hurts so much. I don't know what to do, if we can ever fix this. This is not a good foundation for a marriage. We have been trying to work it out all week but I keep thinking about what he did. He slept on the couch because I feel disgusted by him. I keep feeling like he won't change and leaving will be better for me. What should I do or say?

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loosing, you'll find that this section doesn't get as much traffic as the Emotional Needs section, so you might want to post over there. Anyway, what can you do? Since he's still in negotiation mode, you can stipulate some marriage counseling. I know, you're not married, but you are way smarter dealing with this now, than later when the stakes are higher.

His going to these sites, and posting as he does, could mean many things. It could be as simple as he's bored with you, it could be complex as he's got deeper issues that have kept him from being married sooner (you gotta wonder). If he's really in love with you, he should be willing to visit a professional with you to discuss your relationship. Bottom line, you HAVE to be able to be honest with each other, from the start. Plus, you have to best friends with each other. Can you reach that goal?

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Dump him if you want to save yourself a TON of heartbreak later. Profile as a WOMAN??!! Sounds like some deep-seated issues that he needs some serious counseling and help on.
Only my opinion and at least you two are not married.. yet. An engagement is a lot easier to end than a marriage is.
Only confesses to you WHEN he gets caught? How much other stuff has he been doing BEHIND YOUR BACK????????
Harold


Alzbeta Madragana.. I'm back... Real name is 'Harold'; however, I use the AMD one for online identity... I guess I popped back in to MB just to see what's happened in the 5 plus years I've been away..........................
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i have been married for 9 yrs, with 2 kids, just discovered my hus.has profiles in anotherfriend.com and another one. he has been meeting few girls, he says has only been friendship, he was discussing our marital problems with one of this women who also had this kind of problems. you are not married yet, if he is like that now what will it be when ur married and life gets thougher when kids arrive and so on. its not too late for u at all. cut that CANCER off ur life, he cannot be a good guy and if he is he will make u suffer a lot, ur very worth to be taking all that crap

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Please...run for your life. YOUR LIFE! He will always go back to the computer whenever your relationship goes south...And it will because he is incapable of being honest and trustworthy. Your ego and pride (taker) will not allow you to see the mistake you will make and ARE making by "hanging" in there. From the computer comes fantasy and fantasy leads to emotional affairs which lead to a physical affair. He's on the computer because you are not satisfying his emotional needs...more importantly....you cannot fill the hole in his soul. You don't have the power. As my therapist says (to me) YOU ARE DELUSIONAL!...lol

If you truly wish to marry Dr. Jeckyl and Mr. Hyde...please do not have children. They will eventually be the victims of a tragic marriage. Trust me, I was the lonely soul behind the keyboard of ******.


FWH 50 BS 50 S 12 D 16,20 DOM 08/1983 Divorce final 7/19/07
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He will do it again and again. Once you're married with kids you're stuck with him unless you go through a messy divorce and custody battle. You are still young and not married. Find a quality person and don't become someone's doormat.

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You are seeing a clear warning sign BEFORE you sign the contract. Don't make the mistake of minimizing it thinking it won't be a problem after you're married. It is a serious problem now and will magnify in a marriage. He is cheating on you already though not willing to recognize it or own it.
Do be foolish with you future. Please.

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Feel fortunate you know this now. My H pushed us to get a p.c., and internet connection....swore it was to read about Nascar, blah blah blah...I now have a connection here at work, cancelled the one at home.

This site some days is the only place I can type what I feel...I have no real support system...I had a few good mos with my hubby...now we seem to be back at the bad part.

If you were here, sitting next to me, I would actually try to physically prevent you from staying with this guy, much less get married to him.

I know that t.v. the media, music, I know that EVERYWHERE you look they make it seem acceptale to do the things he does...No way!

It is one thing to surf, and entirely another to do the things he is.

Please, don't marry him...unless you want to be 47 years old, and pour your heart out onto a forum like this, and cry every day.

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I'm curious. are you speaking about the profiles and meeting people or the porn?

I hate to tell you ladies this but the porn aspect is pretty common amongst men, be that on the internet, DVD's, Video's or expensing a "movie" while on business in another city.

What I would be concerned about are rhe guys saying they don't view these things. It does not sound like he was cheating on you.

It sounds like you have some pretty serious self esteem issues on this subject.

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Listen to what you're being told here... RUN don't walk, away from this man.

It happened to me too. Unfortunately I didn't see it happening until it was too late... it started (or at least I discovered it) when I was pregnant with my first child... I woke up one night and he was not in the room. He was in the guest room (which was to become a nursery to the child I was carrying), watching a scrambled adult channel on an old black and white TV (how lame/desperate is that?)... I can still remember how devastated I was and the fight that ensued, and that was 16 years ago.

Then, his brother would "lend" him VHS tapes... same thing, I'd wake up in the night and he'd be in the living room... yuck... sound turned down but he was getting an eyeful. I couldn't find the tape(s) so I couldn't pin it on him. Eventually I found the tape hidden in the stereo speaker while I was cleaning - popped it into the VCR and made sure it was what I thought it was. Then I confronted him with it and all he did was deny deny... so I put the tape in the VCR in front of him and he still denied any knowledge of how it got there (puh-lease!). I smashed the tape to smithereens, and any subsequent tapes that I found at later dates... you'd think his brother would quit lending stuff that never was returned because I'd destroy it each time I found it.

Then came the Internet. Well, we didn't have a computer at home at first, nor a connection, but he had one at work. I had NO IDEA what was going on until well after the fact.. but in those days Internet was by the hour and sometimes his office would deduct charges for internet use that wasn't work related, off his paycheck. There was also some long-distance too, which he explained as he'd called his parents (I seriously doubt that now).

Then he got use at home, of his work Internet account and he'd be up late "working" till all hours of the night - and blissfully ignorant of the dark side of the Internet, I had no idea that for 2 1/2 YEARS he was having an online EA with some college student in Kansas. I'm thinking now that those long-distance calls were to her.

To this day I don't know if they ever met face to face but during all this we'd been to MC (and of course he was the "perfect" husband in MC but neglected to mention he was having an affair...)... and then he took work in another city. He set up a home Internet connection for me, and I learned how to use it so he and I could chat across the miles as he only came home once a month. After a couple of months, I started "exploring" files on the computer and found old chat logs between himself and his mistress that would curl your hair.

DEVASTATED doesn't begin to describe it. Here I was, about to move to another country with my husband and 2 small kids, and I discovered that for 2 1/2 years he'd been carrying on with a girl that was barely old enough to be legal. Everything I thought I knew was a lie - but all the signs were there... the porn, alienation, already strained marriage... I thought I was doing all I could to make things right but it turns out I was the only one working on things.

Without any knowledge of MB or its concepts and principles, I exposed it to his family, my family... demanded NC and basically told him he had a choice to make - that lifestyle or his marriage. He chose the marriage and I was able to forgive, but I can honestly say I never trusted him again and for the next 6 years I continued to bust him in lies and other crappy behaviors that ultimately brought me to the choice to end the marriage. Even well after the fact I tried to patch things up - luckily for me he wasn't receptive to it... I know now that would have been the wrong thing for me, and life is better now.

It was the hardest thing I ever did, but I'm better off for it now.

Take the advice given here - if he's doing that now, it's not likely to change. Get out now while you can.

JinGA


F/40, DD15 DS13 M 1989 DDay his EA May 1998. S Aug 2004. D Dec 05. I filed. 4/07 Post-D Plan A with 180, with hopes of R. 6/23/07 XH said no to R. 8/24/07 Went on a date with someone new, "B". 1/22/08 Still seeing B, life is good! Learning and growing each day. Ask me about Geocaching!

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