It was recommended that I repost this here, I initially put in in the EMOTIONAL NEEDS section.
I posted the following on sept 29.

""I know I made the "usual mistakes" in my marriage that many people (husbands) make, like not meeting emotional needs, and overdrawing on my love bank account. I accept responsibilty for them, and I have been working on making changes.

But Wife has now left. She is living with her lesbian friend, she says I am wrong to suspect they are MORE than friends. (this is a new friend from school in the past year). Of course I don't really know how far this relationship has progressed.

Right now, I have been working to become friends again with my wife, in the hopes to rebuild this relationship.
However if it was a guy, I would not be asking this question.
If she is in fact "dating" or "serious" about this affair whether emotional or physical, should I just forget it and move on?
I love my wife, and have not done my fair share in the marriage, but the last year she was in school, and time together was very minimal, and the withdrawals outnumbered the deposits, especially on my part.
Obvious to me that her friend has met many emotional needs that I have failed to meet. Now I'm left trying to make up lost ground, and win her back. Has any woman here, or anyone's wife ever come back after such an affair?""

Glad to see you here, Lost. What do you know about the affair? Who else knows about it? She's says you're wrong to suspect....but my guess is that your radar is up for a reason....what redflags are telling you this is more than a friendship?

well, like I said in my post in the emotional needs sect. there were signs, like 2000 text messages a month to the girls number (no that is not an exaggeration) Suddenly staying out til 3 am regularly, under the guise of studying. she never used to do that, and more recently text messages from the friend saying "I miss you, wish you were here by the fire I built for myself"....anyway, I am past that, I am mostly past the resentment, she is gone, we remain married for financial reasons (mostly to my benefit right now). I am past the point of being torn up by all of that. I just want a chance to rebuild our marriage. She did a lot for me, for my daughter from previous marriage whose mother was never a part of her life. She came into my life at a very young age (13 years younger than I)
I just want to win her back.
If no physical affair, then clearly an emotional affair.
I have accepted that, I am just hoping there is a chance, I've asked her to do counseling with me several times. Just tells me I should move on. Even if she has a change of heart, I am not sure where we can go from there. But Commitment is supposed to mean something. I love her, we are mostly still really good to each other. We have a young child together. I want to give this any chance I can. I largely take the blame for my failure to meet her emotional needs, and I feel this is the result of that.
So, I guess I'm in it for the long haul.
I LOVE HER

I have learned some of the changes I need to make, and have been working on them, and I think doing well with much of that. I don't want to be with someone who does not want to be there. But we had a great marriage before. and I (like you with YOUR spouse) want her to WANT to change, and come back to her family.
I know I can't change her, hoping she sees the changes in me.
And I know her well enough to say, this was no whim, I'm sure she struggled with it for a while. So she will not suddenly "change her mind" If she does have a change of heart, I know it will be a process that will take a while. That is why I'm trying to hang on as long as I can and not chew each other up during this critical time.

Lost,

There is both a carrot AND a stick to Plan A.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...part=1&vc=1

It's important to show change....but it's equally important to make sure you don't enable the affair. I'm sure made plenty of past mistakes that you're anxious to fix....but there were plenty of ethical ways she could have dealt with her unhappiness besides having an affair.

well, even if it is a physical affair at this point, doesn't mean it was when she left.
I'm sure in her mind, now that we are separated, it is not an affair and she feels it is what she want. And she has encouraged me to date. Not trying to make excuses for her or justify it. But we are not together, she moved out in July, more than 4 months ago. She says she thinks I should just move on. (I guess she is trying to say "it's over" but those aren't the words she used) I am thinking long term, and hoping to win her back. I read both plan A and plan B a while back, and I just read them again as I was typing this...., Plan A calls for not seeing the other woman. If I demand (or even gently request) that she stop, she will pull away. They currently LIVE together. And she still has not admitted that there is an affair. So that part of it is sure to fail. I can talk about trying to meet the needs that she has, but am having a hard time getting alone with her. I am lucky if I get an hour a month with her and my little girl. And with the little one there it is very hard to even approach the situation. (I'm sure that is one reason she won't be alone with me.) My next shot is we are supposed to Christmas Shop together a week and a half from now. I'm thinking it will be tough to bring up, and she will keep it short and simple.
So unfortunately, looks like the CARROT withOUT the STICK plan for me.

And Plan B, looks too risky for the reasons stated in the plan.
It is going to be a LONG road back.
I know she cares about me, but I fear she sees our marriage as a prison, and I am her jailer. I don't know if there is any chance.

Am I reading this right? You only get to see your little girl an hour a month? Tell me this is not right....

Despite the existence of an affair, your W has taken your child from you. What are you doing about this?

Have you contacted an attorney to secure a parenting schedule and arrange for support?

You are very lucky, if you haven't done anything to legally acquire parenting time with your child.

You refer to the wife as (her) and your daughter as (my little girl). Obviously you understand the priority here. Right?

From EN board:


Then this:

Are you willing to date scum? You are married. That would make your dates, bottom of the barrel scum.


Yes, you are. Get your kid back and stop contemplating the single life. I have half an inkling that you are considering this your 'out'. Guess what. As soon as she settles in, she will be suing you for divorce and child support. That's your out. Once you get your kid back, you can work on your marriage.

WHOA!!! Let's hit the brakes and slow down here...No, I have my daughter a couple nights a week usually on the weekend. And my wife has even suggested that I try to spend some more time with her an afternoon or 2 during the week. It is my WIFE I only have an hour or so a month to spend time with, and it is always with my daughter there, so that makes it difficult to discuss my marriage, (I know she is avoiding discussing it, and having my daughter there makes an excuse to continue avoiding it) And yeah, Fair point that if I dated, that would make my dates bottom of barrel scum, MAYBE, if it was in an active marriage. However, what you quoted from me was in the context of someone pursuing someone's spouse and at the time I feel this person was pursuing my wife, WE WERE LIVING TOGETHER, I THOUGHT HAPPILY. There were no signs of trouble in the marriage, not until AFTER this person came along and started going after my wife. (I guess that's what they call a homewrecker) So, if I was dating, AND I'M NOT! It would surely not be in the same context. Not to say it would be right or moral, but in my eyes, a different situation.
Anyway, She is not keeping me from my child. Quite the opposite.
Hope I cleared up that confusion.
THANKS, everyone, for trying to help, that is why I"m here.

How generous of her. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Can you say ATTORNEY?

Okay, then, WHY did your wife choose to move out and live with someone else?

Do you want to fight for your marriage or simply enable her to do whatever she wants to do to you and to your child?