Hello, my name is Stacy. I found out a few weeks ago an email that my husband had contacted an old friend from high school and then called her leaving her his cell phone number. Its a site called classmates.com. He has been registered on this site for years but for some reason out of the blue desided to look her up. They were an aquantacne in school. I looked through his email cause he was acting funny. I approached him about it and he made up a lie than I followed through with it cause I knew he was lying. He finally told me and said he did not do anything. I still don't know if I believe him or not. As days past I found him looking on eHarmony and other sites regarding information on old classmates. I was very upset of course and confronted him but he still wasn't being honest. I bought the book His Needs, Her Needs and I am finding it very interesting. My husband did come to me and told me he loves me and that nothing is going on. He is working on our relationship with me but I do not feel he is being honest with me. I wasn't sure who to talk to or what to do. I feel it is serious but of course he thinks I am making to much out of it. [color:"black"] [/color]

Hi Stacy, sorry your here, but you came to the right place.

There may be better more qualified members to help then me, but I shall give it a shot.

take this as a warning sign that your M is in some trouble.
are you seeing a marriage counselor?
that is where you need to start.

E harmony is a dating site right?
I would keep being nosy and find out what he is up to.
if he is really working on the M he will become transparent, allowing you to read all emails, investigate all sites he is on, or maybe not use the computer at all for awhile.
he needs to disclose all cell phone bills, allow you to look at his cell phone etc.
has your H had other A's?
How long have you been M?

How long have you been married? Any children?

What makes you think he is not being honest at present?

Is he still looking up classmates?

Do you have access to all his passwords, cell phone account, charge card statements?

Is he telling you all about what he did?

Keep snooping--you have a right to know what he is doing.

Read up on the difference between privacy and secrecy on this web site. Basically we all have a right to privacy in the bathroom, etc. Married couples do not have the right to keep secrets from their spouses. My H believes that that was his down fall that allowed him to get involved in an EA when he contacted an old girlfriend on classmates.

He now fully understands that his secret behavior was way out of line and disrespectful to our marriage. he did go meet her "for coffee" and lied to me to set aside the time to do it. He had no intent to do anything more, but he did get addicted to the contact up until the point he "met her for coffee". He was contacting her daily for three weeks and then tried to back off in the fourth week which was after he "met her for coffee". I found the e-mails during the fourth week and confronted him. He ended it right then.

Do you have a copy of what you found?

Did he look up people on other sites and not tell you he was doing it?

It is really best to let old boyfriends/girlfriends stay in the past and not contact them.

My H was just playing a game and enjoying flattering her so that he could feel special in return. He is now very embarrassed about it as he had no intent of letting it go beyond the "game". But I found the lies very hurtful.

We are recovering.

Thanks for replying. Yes eHarmony is a dating site. I think I caught it just before anything happened. He is willing to work on the relationship. I am reading His Needs Her Needs and its a great book. When all this started I felt so bad and decieved. I made sure I let him know that. He is willing to work on the relationship and as far as I know he has not contacted her after I saw the email. Yes, I did print it out and keep it for myself. When I confronted him at first I knew he was lying cause of how the email read. I went with my gutt and pursued it. I just hope that I am right and it is over.

Thanks for replying. I have been married for 9 years and we have no children together just previous marriage. They are all grown up. I think I caught it before anything could happen. Hes been spending time with me and does not look up any more sites as far as I know. I do still check though. I feel it will take some time. I confront him on what he did he doesn't think it was a big deal. I feel he tried to bring someone into our circle at that was a no no regardless of his intensions he was keeping it a secret and he lied about it. I did print out a copy for me. He does not know of course. He was acting really happy so I started to snoop thats how I found it. I'm not sure what my husbands intensions were but there is no way I am allowing it. I am reading His Needs Her Needs right now, its a great book with a lot of insite. He has told me he wants to make the marriage work so we will see. I would like to get a copy of his cell phone records but I am not sure how to do that and as far as the internet goes he can delete things. He still is alittle secretive regarding the computer but I do check his cookie files.

Who is his cell phone service provider?

I found out the carrier last night and called to have them sent. After I did it I didn't feel right about doing it cause I want us to move on and work on the relationship. I feel he wants to make it work. He actions and him being there for me is saying alot.

Well as long as they're already being sent, check it out for your own peace of mind. I don't want to worry you, but my FWW insisted nothing was going on, too, until I caught them in the lies by pulling her cell phone records. Spouses who are honest with each other and open do not have secrets and this is your marriage, too, so you have the right to make sure you are not being lied to. I hope you find that you're not being lied to. However, you are in the right place if you are. There are a lot of great people here who can offer help and advice.
Good luck
~Mark

Thanks so much for the support. I am hoping that I am right too. I am so glad I found this site and have people to communicate to. I thought I found my significant other but since I have been hurt by him I am having a hard time coping with this. I started reading His Needs Her Needs and so is he but not sure if he is really into it. I don't feel right spying and having secrets but I do not know how else to handle this.I still do not know all that he has going on as far as secrets he says he doesn't have any but I think he has other emails to communicate and of course the cell phone which I will soon find out. I am afraid to find out. He never appologized for his actions, his reply is that nothing happened so lets move on. I told him that he hurt me and then he comforts me but I don't think he gets it. I let him know that he made the effort to go outside the marriage and bring someone in that does not belong and that is unacceptable. I am the type of person that when I give my heart and trust into someone and they hurt me its never the same. Even though I am seeking help I do not know if I can get over this.I wonder if I am just better moving on cause I do not want to waste time on [censored] and promises.What I really don't get is that his ex cheated on him and got pregnant, of course he was hurt and moved on but why would you do something you had done to you? Stacy5

I found out yesterday when I called his cell phone company that he added text messaging service to his phone on Nov 21 but did not send me any messages but I have sent him a few in the past couple of weeks and he told me he didn't have service. I brought it up yesterday and all of a sudden he was texting me. It will be interesting when I get the cell bill. He is making a big effort in the relationship but I am still going to be cautious.

I suggest putting a keylogger on the computer. Then you will know EXACTLY what he is doing. Also I would insist that he provide a copy of the cell phone bill so you can see just how much effort he is spending outside of the marriage.

I just found when I was looking up things online. There is a gadget you can use for cell phones. By taking the memory card from the phone and putting in the computer it shows you all his phone calls that were made, deleted etc. As far as the emails go he could have other addresses so I search his cookies. Other than that I am waiting for the cell bill.

Can you let us know when you get the info about the cell phone? we love to hear about happy honest answers.
and if he isn't being honest at least we can tell you the next move and be of some support to you. fingers are crossed,,and prayers are sent

Stacy

I also agree that it is time for a keylogger. You can download an excellent one from this URL.

http://www.spectorsoft.com/products/SpectorPro_Windows/index.html


This particular one runs undetected. It records all activity- email, IM, sites visted, etc.

Download this on his computer and IF he is not being upfront, you will know fairly quickly.

Best to you

Will it really help me? I am not the administrator of the computer so how does that work? I wouldn't want him to know.

Yes, I am hoping to get it this week.

He has been secretive still. He deletes all emails and clears everything he does cause he knows i am looking. I didn't find anything in his cookies but then again he could have more than one email. if I put it on is it easy to take off if I need to? And he will not know about it at all? He plays on the computer alot so it will be hard for me to do.

All, I was not able to get the cell phone records. It was taking awhile so I called them again and they said they could not get me copies of his cell phone records. I was home early everyday but one so if my husband did get it it was shredded.They told me I need to register as a customer and get his sim id in order to view all his calls. I should be able to do it. As far as the computer goes nothing unusual lately. We have been working on the marriage so all i can do is keep tight reins for now.