Dear Willard,

I have just read your book on "HIS NEEDS, HER NEEDS", on Chapter 5: Conversation.

My wife is now having mild depression, most often during our conversation she will logically explains her logic and things to be in her ways such as some of my behavior change, work style, in conversation,and I should be doing this or that of her ways. Of course, when she is in good mood, she will be very nice towards me and caring. This is the part that makes me very confusing, as I don't know when her depression will start and stop.

On your chapter 5, can I just assumed that the advised is for normal healthy person?


What advised will you give me?

This may be controversial, however, I recommend

* Parasite cleanse, toxin removal, heavy metal removal, organ cleansing, tooth and oral cleansing
* oxygen therapies
* EFT, kinesiology, natural healing...
* get good water and drink lots of it...if you're drinking chlorinated water, it's absurd to think you're depressed, OK, your digestion is just royally screwed!

Get yourself and your spouse to a natural healing practitioner.

A healthy person simply cannot be depressed. Depression is a symptom, not a disease.

Cheers,
D--

As someone who has suffered from depression, I find it interesting that your wife talks at all. That's a good sign, in my book. That means it's worth her effort to communicate to you. When depression worsens, communications seems pointless.

Also, just because she is suffering from mild depression doesn't mean her concerns, feelings, and compliants aren't valid. Her environment, including you, could be aggravating the depression, or it could even be a cause.

I'd try making a list of what she wants you to change. Make those changes, and then, when she's feeling positive, bring it up to her.

Also, note. If "when she's in a good mood" there are no problems whatsoever and this is extreme, you may want to call her doctor. Often bipolar disorder is misdiagnosed as depression since those with bipolar disorder almost never go to the doctor when they're in the manic or upbeat phase. The meds for bipolar disorder are managed a little differently, and I believe the psychotherapy adjusted as well.

D-- I agree that a healthy person is not depressed. Being depressed, by definition, makes you unhealthy. HOWEVER, the chemical imbalances in the brain, and the way it affects behavior, are highly complex. All your suggestions may help. Or they may not. Many people need a multi-pronged approach that may include diet, exercise, pyschotherapy and medication among others.

Excellent advice! I am in a similar situation and this does help.

Dan

Hello. I'm new here and am here because my wife and I are having serious problems. We've been married for almost two years and have had the occasional disagreement. She is under psychiatric care for depression for several years. She is taking her meds. We met and enjoyed each other's company, likes and dislikes and after a year we married. I do not know if it is the depression causing this but she feels she must argue everything and her need to be right supercedes the need for a good healthy relationship. I have read Dr. Harley's books and they have been of great help to me. I am in the medical field and am well versed with depression. I am healthy myself and doing well. However, my wife's depression makes it difficult to hold a good conversation. Sometimes when I mention something that could help improve the way she does some things she argues back with a passion. She sleeps until late in the afternon nearly everyday and that bothers me but if I say something she tells me it is my problem not hers and she cannot do anything about it. She is off on sick leave as she cannot hold a job because of "stresses at work". She has trouble working with people on a daily basis. She did little in the house at the beginning. I would work days and nights and come home to clean up and make meals, do laundry, etc.. After a year of mentioning that this is not good for one to continually do most of the chores, she has now begun to make the odd meal (once or twice a month). For the most part, she is on eBay amassing a whole lot of clothes that sit in cardboard boxes cluttering up couple of bedrooms. Or she'll be watching tv after getting up in the afternoon. She is continually tired. I took her to a hot destination for a birhtday gift last year and we did fine there. This year I took her to Europe for over a month and we had trouble. At one point she left me alone in Rome and she headed back in a train out of Rome to our hotel 45 minutes away by train. I searched and searched not knowing what had happened. This is what I mean, love busters accumulating fast. I try hard to do the right things and yes, we did have pre marriage counselling sessions and also post marriage as well with a very nice counsellor who gave me good advice. My reason for being here today for he first time is because we once again had a problem and it had to do with my wife doing her own thing when we were to meet somewhere out of town. To make a long story short, three hours later she was still at home doing her own thing. When I asked her why she had not left, she responded that she had things to do. But she does not feel like she has to tell me anything so I wait and wait. I am exhausted trying to be husband and helper and I often feel that she is not listening to anything I say because it is not her idea. Her past history was not that great according to her sister who told me she was a different person with me since we met and that made everyone happy. My wife has a younger sister who broke off all communications with her before we met. I want to make it work, but it is taking a lot out of me emotionally these days. One of my biggest problems when I see her sleep all day, is that I see her as a "patient" and I as a care giver of sorts. Don't know what to say or do to create a change in attitude with someone who is very self righteous and also suffers from depression and on meds for same. Help anyone with good advice.
Thank you.

Welcome to MB.

You may want to copy and paste this into your own thread on Emotional Needs. That forum gets a lot more action. Include something about depression in the subject line to help get the proper attention.

I have no expertise beyond my personal experience with depression, so obviously my opinion is worth what you pay: Nothing. That said, I’m wondering first how well your wife’s medication is working. If she’s still suffering from extreme sleep patterns, if she cannot hold down a job, if she cannot function in real life, her treatment isn’t very effective. Personally, I’ve found doing psychotherapy with my psychiatrist worth every penny. That is if you get the right one. A psychiatrist cannot get a full sense of how a patient is doing based on 15 minutes once a month and a phone call from the psychologist or sociologist. When the psychiatrist does the medication and the psychotherapy, it’s easier to see if the drugs are really efficacious. And you can probably guess how I’d feel about a GP prescribing the meds.

All that said, I’ll also go on the record as saying depression makes people almost impossible to live with. And I cannot imagine being married to someone who has had unremitting depression for years. Depression really affects relationships, slowly destroying them. If she cannot or will not get better, you’ll have some difficult choices ahead of you. OOH. I forgot. I wanted to say that having depression does not relieve you of responsibility.

I found it helpful when people actually held me accountable. I did a disappearing act at least twice in my early twenties. It was ****** on my sister who reported me missing to the police. Anyway, without demeaning her, I’d definitely tell her she has a responsibility to the relationship to keep you informed. She cannot disappear without creating other problems, some of which may be huge.

I’d also consider cancelling her credit cards. You don’t give an addict a drink.

Wow, you just gave me a lot to think about.
Thank you for your response. It is very informative and everything you write, I'm living it. Her psychiatrist also prescribes her meds so no problem there. But I do not know what goes on or what is said in their once a month sessions that last under an hour. Right now, my wife has not spoken to me for two days. I made her breakfast, lunch and went shopping for fruits. Came back and made her supper but she's locked up in the bedroom talking on the phone. If what you say is right, impossible to live with, it's scary. Everything we own is in both names. Including all our bank accounts except for her own which is only in her name. I'm kicking my butt here but I love her and wanted to be there for her. Anyway, I'll try the other forum and see if there is a psychiatric or someone who can advise me of what to do. Again, thank you for taking the time to write back Greenbables.

So, I like the idea of boundaries and radical honesty. You could share with her in a non-threatening way how much harm her behaviors are causing the marriage. If she uses the depression as an excuse or an explanation, you could then request her to get additional help.

You could also ask her to go to marriage counseling with you. That may be a good place to begin. Some spouses agree to go to MC because they see it as a way to get their spouse “fixed.” LOL. A good MC would spot that your wife needs some serious individual counseling, and to ease your wife into it. Probably, a combo if MC and Individual counseling would be ideal.

But, let’s suppose she refuses all kinds of psychotherapy. She doesn’t need it, they can’t help, they’re a bunch of quacks, etc. So, what can you do? I think you need to start with Radical Honesty. “I felt anxious and mad when you left yesterday for the entire day and didn’t tell me.”
“I am unhappy with the state of our marriage. I want us to both be happily married.”

I’d also consider reporting her missing the next time she disappears for a length of time.

Finally, if she refuses and continues to refuse to make changes to improve your relationship, I think you need to start planning an exit strategy. That would include closing accounts. The nice thing about a joint account is that it only takes one person to close it. I’d definitely, start shutting down the credit cards. That, and I’d stop making her breakfast and lunch. If she’s hungry, she can cook. Babying her won’t help her get better. Then, you should have an account in your own name.