Well, it began yesterday. H and I went to marriage counselor. H has been hanging around my job, visiting sometimes 6 times a day (OM works here too, so in my mind it was understandable: annoying but not threatening). Therapist said to call security and have him removed if he comes back again. I wasn't afraid of H, but now that I think about it, he has been going crazy and I guess it's possible that he could snap and hurt someone. A friend says that she's worried about her life if H comes after OM and can't find him, she's afraid he'll go "postal" and get everyone in the office. <BR>H has NEVER been abusive. I don't know WHAT to think. I've hurt him so badly, I know that. I'm not making excuses for his behavior but I'm honestly not afraid of him. Should I be?

You know your H better than anyone. If you're seriously not afraid of him, then I don't think you should unnecessarily worry yourself over this. Also, what do you mean when you say he's been going crazy? Is he exhibiting signs of emotional instability? And have you asked him to stop coming by your work so often? <P>We, the betrayed, can be rather vicious at times, but if he's like most people, he should stop at the verbal lashing out. I hope that he hasn't crossed that boundary. As I said, you know him better than anyone, if you're not scared, don't allow anyone to plant seeds into your head that he'll do something drastic. It could put a bigger wedge between you two. Besides making you ill from the fear and worrying. <P>In any case, you should politely ask him to curtail the frequent visits. Even if only by cutting them in half. It's a start and probably more doable than stopping all together.<P>------------------<BR>The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched. They must be felt with the heart.<BR>Helen Keller

Wait... was this the marriage counselor saying to call security? He/she said this in front of your husband? Or is this a separate therapist that you're seeing alone?<P>Either way... hmm. Go with your gut feeling on this. If your husband knows you're calling security on him, what would he think? Major lovebuster? probably. You know him best. Is he really capable of violence? Has he even threatened it?<P>His trust is pretty well trampled. I don't know what it'll take for it to get back, but I don't think it'll help if you call security on him. <P>My wife has visited my work twice (OW is in same office too!). I know it was simply to gauge the situation. See how close a proximity I am to the OW. How easy it is for me to contact her, etc. She is still bothered by the fact that I work here and I guess I'm gonna have to face up to it and get a job elsewhere if I really want this to work out. I know it's pretty impossible for you n_b, but I've heard of couples moving OUT OF STATE in order to save their marriage, so nothing is out of the question...<P>--airheart

It was together at the marriage counselor,and yes, he said it in front of my H. And yes, my H has been "going crazy" as I say by not eating, sleeping, obsessing about me and the OM. He's said he could "kill" the OM, but get real, doesn't every betrayed feel that way. He hasn't done anything that would make me think he would actually do it. I don't BLAME HIM at all about that. I was once the betrayed (12 yrs. ago) and I know how "crazy" feels. No, I'm not afraid of him. I am trying to work it out. And yes, we've even thought of moving out of state. We moved 100 miles away from the OW when that happened, and we don't want to just run away. We want to work this out here, if possible.

Jeez... What did your husband say about the security thing? It just seems weird that a councelor would say something like that. Am I wrong?<P>Also, if your husband is exhibiting all those symptoms, it sounds close to clinical depression (at least as far as I understand it)... I would be a little worried about that. Perhaps he should be on meds? Or is he already? Well, sometimes it goes away on its own... how long has he been acting like that (not eating or sleeping, obsessing, etc.)? <P>--airheart

Airheart, I'm with you. new_beginning, why on earth would your therapist say such a thing? That sounds very strange to me. You two are trying to rebuild trust, repair damaged feelings, and your therapist told you to call security on your H when he visits your job????? I think I'd be looking for another therapist. Sounds very unprofessional to me.<P>Also, my thinking on this is, big deal if your H is coming to your job!!! How is that really hurting anything. Is there no way you can simply indulge this for now? PATIENCE! If he feels a need to visit your job, let him. I'm sure it will subside after a while when he begins to feel more secure about things.<P>Not eating or sleeping is not CRAZY. It sounds more like depression, but doesn't sound crazy. If he were coming to your job, stands in the middle of the office and drops his pants ------ that's crazy. Not eating and sleeping when you have been through a crisis is not crazy!!<P>NB, I know you are hurting, but I gotta say, it really sounds like you don't understand what your H is going through. Don't you remember how you felt 12 years ago when you went through this? And maybe for your H, it is much worse. People take this differently. Some people are able to heal, put it all behind them and move on quicker than others. Others need patience, understanding, and TIME.<P>I know your H can heal from this, but he is going to need your help. Whatever you do, DO NOT CALL SECURITY ON HIM!!! I still cannot believe your therapist said such a thing.<P>------------------<BR>Love is meant to heal. Love is meant to renew. Love is meant to oust all fear. Love is meant to harmonize differences. Love is meant to bring us closer to God.

I hope lack of eating and sleeping is not a sign of going cray otherwise I'm on the crasy boat too. I don't sleep well at night and have lost about 12 pounds in 5 weeks. If only I could do that when I want to. The obession thing is also understandable. I don't think that those are signs that you have to worry about. It sounds perfectly normal to me.<P>The statement about wanting to kill the OM I don't think is that uncommon either. It's probably more of a lashing out than an actual wish.<P>If it were me (which it isn't) I would put up with the visits. I don't visit but I call my spouse 6-8 times a day and he calls me as well. It just reassures us thats all.

Well guys, thanks for the reassurance. No pants dropping, new woman... that made me smile. He's not crazy. We had a great night last night, cried in each others arms... gave him big-time love credits and he feels better this morning. He ate dinner last night and even had some ice cream! Yes, he's been on meds, but all make him sick so he stops them. He has another MD appointment tomorrow, sooo.... hopefully he can be honest with the Dr. and get the meds he needs. He is depressed.<P>And yes, I do remember feeling outta my mind 12 yrs. ago when I was in his shoes. Which is why I didn't take this thing too seriously. And H has refused to see counselor again, so that's an obvious sign that we'll be changing counselors if we continue marriage counseling. Pray that he will, we need it!<P>Hugs to all, new_beginning

NB,<P>Cook him a fabulous dinner every night. Yes, EVERY night, and I guarantee that man will eat. Food is an incredible aphrodisiac, and I really think for a lot of men, a great meal cooked with love really packs in love units. It takes them back to when their "mommies" used to cook for them.<P>You guys are gonna do great, just give him time, give him patience, give him understanding. Give, give, give, and just watch, he'll start giving in return. <P>------------------<BR>Love is meant to heal. Love is meant to renew. Love is meant to oust all fear. Love is meant to harmonize differences. Love is meant to bring us closer to God.

NB - Have you thought about obtaining counseling through a Church advised counselor. Our counselor was very helpful. He did not throw the bible at us but he showed us what a relationship could be and how to work on filling each others needs. He also helped me with my anger towards the om, he helped show me ways to control it and use it towards building a new and better relationship and marriage.<P>God Bless