ML - thanks for using words like 'perfect' and 'stellar' :-) they seem sparkly in the midst of all the necessary scary words..

i am feeling less panic-y today.. a little more stable.. and mostly a lot just plain sad. it is still so hard for me to shake the 'is there anything else i could do' question. or could have done. does that get easier? i believe i've been wholeheartedly seeking God throughout this, and had great, loving counsel - so it seems like if there was more He wanted me to do He could have shown me?

I feel pretty sure that as H starts to feel the pain of consequences (no access to the house, etc.) that his response will be to hurry through the D so he can get his own place. should I try to control that at all, or just let it proceed however it does..? if that's what he really wants, even right away, just give it to him?

filling in here....

phoenix, his response might be -- to waste his time and energy getting you to change your mind, and get lazy or careless about finding his own place.

He probably had a fantasy about you being a nice, docile, submissive little starter wife, with an open door policy to Home and a life where you would smile and hand off the kids, and be home again whenever he gets tired of being Dad.

You can stay dark, and drag your feet on the D to give the affair time to become irritating and itchy. Your lawyer can ask for continuances, you can delay providing information, "forget" to sign papers, any number of things.

Affairs are triangles. Like 3 legged stools. One leg goes missing, and the other two wobble and get weak. All the stress is on the 2 legs to support the seat. Don't support it. That is what a Plan B does. It hides the 3rd leg.

Good advice.

P,

Just checking in on you. Hope you are holding strong.

Remember, you fight the good fight.

Do you like the Christian group, Third Day.

They have a CD that I found incredibly encouraging through all of this. It is their "Wherever You Are" CD. Almost every song on the CD ministered to me...still does.

I pasted some of the lyrics below. I hope you find them encouraging.



"The Sun Is Shining"

Yesterday I found
That everything I knew was wrong
It was upside down
The life I thought I had was gone

But You came and whispered love to me
And You gave me strength to carry on

Oh, the sun is shining
There is hope for me again
A new day's dawning
The sun is shining

Yesterday I lost
Everything I had and loved
Then I cried out for You, Lord
And You came and picked me up

And the sorrow lasted through the night
But the joy came with the morn

I will lift my voice
No, I won't be silent
For You heard my cry
And You turned my mourning into dancing
And so forever I'll sing


"Rise Up"

Well, I was there when you were torn apart
Now a piece of you is gone
Somehow you wish that you could only find
A little strength to carry on

You've tried so hard to make it on your own
That your heart has come undone
So I am here to prove that I alone
Have the power to overcome

Don't let your heart be troubled
This world will never keep you down
It will never keep you down

So rise up, my friend
No, this will never be the end
So rise up, my friend
And live again

I didn't want you to feel this way
It's not what life was meant to be
And so for you, my friend, I'll take your shame
You can give it all to me

'Cause you've wrestled demons every day
And they've dragged you to your knees
But in your weakness you will learn to find
That I will always be your strength

In life or in death
Through joy or regret
And all of the secret things you have done
No matter what comes, my friend
Nothing can keep you from the love of God





TUNNEL

Well I won't pretend to know what you're thinking
And I can't begin to know what you're going through
And I won't deny the pain that you're feeling
But I'm gonna try and give a little hope to you
Just remember what I told you
There's so much you're living for

There's a light at the end of this tunnel
There's a light at the end of this tunnel for you
For you
There's a light at the end of this tunnel
Shining bright at the end of this tunnel for you
For you
So keep holding on

You got your disappointments and sorrows
You ought to share the weight of that load with me
Then you will find that the light of tomorrow
Well it brings new life for your eyes to see
So remember what i told you
There's so much your living for

There's a light at the end of this tunnel
There's a light at the end of this tunnel for you
For you
There's a light at the end of this tunnel
Shining bright at the end of this tunnel for you
For you
So keep holding on
Keep holding on

So remember what i told you
There's so much you're living for

There's a light at the end of this tunnel
There's a light at the end of this tunnel for you
For you yeah
There's a light at the end of this tunnel
Shining bright at the end of this tunnel for you
For you yeah
There's a light at the end of this tunnel ooh
For you, for you yeah
Shining bright at the end of this tunnel
For you, for you
So keep holding on
Keep holding on
Keep holding on now

You got your disappointments and sorrows
I'm gonna try and give a little hope to you



"Eagles"

My pain and problems keep me chained
And my troubled heart makes me weak
I'll wait for You to comfort me
And in You I know I'll find my strength

I will soar on the wings of eagles
I will learn to fly high above this world
And I will soar on the wings of eagles
I will learn to fly
I will learn to fly high above this world

I tremble with this heavy weight
And I'm buried underneath my grief
I'll run to You and not grow faint

And I'll lay my burdens at Your feet



"Mountain Of God"

Thought that I was all alone
Broken and afraid
But You were there with me
Yes, You were there with me

And I didn't even know
That I had lost my way
But You were there with me
Yes, You were there with me

'Til You opened up my eyes
I never knew
That I couldn't ever make it
Without You

Even though the journey's long
And I know the road is hard
Well, the One who's gone before me
He will help me carry on
After all that I've been through
Now I realize the truth
That I must go through the valley
To stand upon the mountain of God

As I travel on the road
That You have lead me down
You are here with me
Yes, You are here with me
I have need for nothing more
Oh, now that I have found
That You are here with me
Yes, You are here with me

I confess from time to time
I lose my way
But You are always there
To bring me back again

Sometimes I think of where it is I've come from
And the things I've left behind
But of all I've had, what I possessed
Nothing can quite compare
With what's in front of me
With what's in front of me


"Love Heals Your Heart"

Did you think you were immune to this
Did you think you could escape without infection
You do all you're able to resist
Just to avoid the danger of rejection

Memory warns you of the past
When it all went wrong

When you think your life is shattered
And there's no way to be fixed again
Love heals your heart
At a time you least expected
You're alive like you have never been
Love heals your heart

Everybody has a wall to climb
That was built to guard the pain that holds them captive
Every smile that they would hide behind
Will try to mask the hurt beneath the surface

Sometimes it's hard to understand
How we're trapped inside

just bumping to check on you.

How is Plan B going? Are you ready for the weekend?

hey there -- thanks so much for checking in. i really appreciate it. and wow- thanks for putting all those lyrics up! i don't actually have that cd, but am going to check some of those songs out on itunes today..

tuesday and wednesday were SO (so) hard - my doctor had prescribed an anti-d. earlier for me which i decided not to take, but i was really wondering about that decision early this week. then yesterday was.. better. quieter in my soul is the best way to describe it. last night i had a really amazing time at church and felt then and today, actually, happy - joyful. who'd a thunk it? it's not something i can explain or is very rational, I really think it's just the presence of God.

i do think it might also be the separating happening mentally for me -- things like feeling more steady, not wondering/waffling. having thoughts like 'oh, but what will he say about that?' and then realizing that I won't know!! hooray. realizing more of the craziness for what it was - like him saying last week, 'I know i'm not doing the right thing, but i really believe i will do the right thing eventually.' it was strangely comforting to me last week, this week i think about it and feel like, 'WHAT?' what a crazy statement.

last night was kind of pivotal, kind of full circle. it was his big fancy work extravanganza downtown - which was the first sign of things going horribly awry last year. i had a new dress, a babysitter, was so excited - and an hour beforehand he called to tell me he didn't want me to come. he needed to just 'have fun'. it was so awful and confusing and shocking to me. i thought last night was going to be horrible, knowing he was with her, that i was missing out, etc. but instead, i had a lot of peace. i'm in a lot of pain right now, but it's a different, more manageable kind of pain than that deep abyss of the unknown from this time last year.

and last night, dancing around at church with my oldest son, smiling, i wasn't thinking about H at all. just thinking this verse from Ps. 84:
Better is one day in your courts
than a thousand elsewhere;
I would rather be a doorkeeper in the house of my God
than dwell in the tents of the wicked.

again, thanks for checking in. i will keep you posted - sunday should be a big day, it's the first swap near the house where i think he may be intending to get in (though will find the locks changed!).

also SMB, would still love to email you about some schooling stuff, if you're still willing to send your info to justuss. thanks!! .. P

P,

I am so glad you are experiencing moments of quiet peace and joy from the Lord. Isn't it amazing how that can come when it seems our whole world and everything we loved (our family as we knew it) are crashing at our feet. I pray God continues to fill your moments with peace and joy.

I sent my email to Justuss a few days ago. I will add a thread asking him to swap our emails.

Keep enjoying your children. My kids are what got me up every morning. I don't know how I would have gone on if I didn't have them needing me to.

Yes, better is one day in His courts.

P,

Justuss said he received my email but not yours. Please send it to him again. Then post a new thread asking him if he got it.

I am excited to talk school with you.

This morning was the first big planB visitation morning where he picked them up from our house. I had neighbors here, but he still was pretty defiant when he brought them back. pushed his way past the husband-neighbor who said 'i don't think they want you in there' and H said 'i don't care what they want!' and stepped just inside anyway, saying 'goodbye, i love you' to DS, but - really I think, just to give me a dirty look and to prove that he 'could'.

Then he stepped back outside, and hung around for about 15 minutes chipping ice off the steps. It was so strange; I can't decide if he was just waiting for the neighbors to leave, or if it's like a weird mental game of 'see what a nice guy I am! you are being so selfish and unreasonable..'

it just felt so weird. afterwards i left the curtains closed for a couple hours, and had to try and quiet my mind. because i don't want to be selfish, or unreasonable. i just hate all of this - hate being in this situation.

i was talking to DS6 afterwards (H told him that the law said he could be in the house, that this was just for a few weeks and then he'd be back in..). i was assuring him that even if daddy never started making good decisions again and came back that God was still with us, was still going to help us have a good life. and he said, 'yeah, but not as good as if we were a whole family.' it just broke my heart, and i don't really know.. is that true?

phoenix, can you arrange the trade the next time at your neighbor's house so he doesn't come in the house? He could pick up and drop them off there while you go somewhre else. That way you will be spared all this contact.

And you did GREAT TODAY!! i know it is hard to hold the line but you are doing the best thing for everyone and I applaud you for being so strong! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

thanks ML -- doing the exchange that way is weird and risky too. we only have one car, so I have to leave the kids and the car and then walk somewhere - home or another house - before he sees me. but because he takes the train, it's hard to know exactly when he'll get there, and i don't want to just run into him which would be the worst of all.. any other creative ideas?

Good job! Be sure to let your son know that mommy has a plan. You maintained your boundaries, and your husband is sure to try to lean on them. But so far, so good.

P,

I haven't seen you here for about 5 days. I sent an email to you about then, too.

Are you doing OK?




This is the really hard part, P. Hearing the garbage WS feeds them when they are with him. What would be even worse, though, is not hearing it--if they just didn't tell you what he said. So everytime your children tell you some crazy thing WS said, try to look at it as an opportunity to correct their thinking and bring it back in line with Scripture. Be prepared for him to twist Scripture around to justify his ridiculous behavior. I know this really hurts, when you have, together, established convictions for your family, and then to watch him, with his actions and fog babble, teach them just the opposite. I could go on and on about some of the fog babble my kids came home with. It was devastating to hear, but I needed to hear it to undo the confusion and contradiction they were seeing with God's Word.

HELP guys. need some reinforcements this morning! (sorry i've been MIA, i was out of town for a few days and just got back last night.). overall things have been better this week, quieter - until this morning.

this is the second sunday visitation since PlanB - i've only been able to work out him picking them up from the house on sundays. today after he put them in the car he came back to the door, and my neighbor let him in. he said he had to use the bathroom and get a sweater he'd left here. which he did (and gave me a dirty look, as usual). but when he tried to get in he had realized the locks were changed. he said, and give me a key. i said talk to my lawyer. he got in the car, and then a few minutes later i got a phone message from him saying that when he got back at 1:30 he expected me to have a key for him. otherwise he would stand there and wait for a locksmith to come and change the locks, because it's legally his house, blah blah.

what should i do??????!!!!

i have a few ideas, but not really sure about any of them. i called my lawyer, but haven't heard yet - i think he's at church. would a locksmith change the lock for him if he doesn't have a key to it? how can i get my kids back/in without having contact with him again?

i'm not freaking out as much as i might expect, which i think is a sign that PLB is working a bit, huh? some inner strength beginning to build?

Call the police dept and file a restraining order - outline his threats and intimidation truthfully. That should keep him out. Give that notification to any locksmith as well

If a locksmith shows up with your H, call the police...it might scare him off. But your H is right, he does have a right to access your home as he is an owner of the property.
If he is going to resort to these measures, I would suggest a formal separation that will give you sole rights to the marital home.
Hopefully your lawyer gets back to you.

[color:"red"] Edited to add....see what I mean by 'soon'....they beat me to it! [/color]

Hi Phoenix....

We did miss you. Others will be by to help soon but I have one question:

Couldn't the neighbor have let him use the bathroom at their house? Maybe they need to be coached on what plan B means.

Glad you're back to posting.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Phoenix and kids}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Ace

P,

{{{{{{{Phoenix4}}}}}}} Hope you can feel that hug coming thruogh the screen!

FWH and I are sitting here brainstorming about your situation. FWH said to remind you that your WS is acting like a typical WS, so don't let that part get to you.

My first advice was going to be to call lawyer ASAP, but I see you were already on that. I called my lawyer whenever I was facing a confrontation so that I was prepared. Keep calling him today. I pray you hear from him soon.

As far as how to get through this visitation today, some ideas:

Can you arrange to have the neighbors be there to take the kids over to their home and you not be around? They could call you when it appears your WH is gone.

Could your minister or other church friends come to your home for the drop off, and you not be there?

Do you have family, like father or brother, around that could handle the drop off.

I think if you can arrange for you to NOT be there, that would be best.

You may need to call the police today if he makes a scene at drop off.

Hold firm to your Plan B boundaries. He is pushing them, bucking like a wild horse, because Plan B is bringing some reality to his world. You are doing great, P.

I am putting a call out on the board for two particular members to post to you, Melody and MEDC. MEDC is a retired police officer. These two were here for me on this types of confrontations.

If anyone under the names Best Advisor, Best Angel, or another of BA posts to you, beware that her advice is NOT MB and is all around bad. She tried to cause major strife in my and FWS's recover.

I am headed to church, but will check in later.

My family is praying for you.

A restraining order for what? He threatened to change the locks? That hardly rises to the level of threat needed to secure a restraining order. The law would be on his side if she changed the locks without authorization. My ex wife did the same thing...and she was the wayward....I kicked the door down...there wasn't a darn thing she could do about it.

Wow! That was fast! MEDC, I just put out a thread asking you to come here. You were already on it. Now that's good police work!