Give him a key, then change the locks again once he leaves. THEN insist that your lawyer get temporary orders on file awarding you exclusive use of the marital home and a restraining order that keeps him away from you ASAP. He can request an emergency hearing for this purpose.

My state is a community property state, and the wayward has a right to access to the home. I tried to get a restraining order because WH was bringing OW to my home while I was at work, and things were MISSING. It didn't matter, and the judge said if I changed the locks, WH could enter the home however he saw fit.

I don't think this is a hill to die on. I would have someone there with you when he shows up.

I noticed that you are in Chicago, right? This is from the Illinois Legal Aid website:
http://www.illinoislegalaid.org/index.cfm?fuseaction=home.dsp_content&contentID=1751

Temporary Relief

Any person in a divorce or custody case can request temporary relief while the case is pending. Orders for temporary relief give certain rights and privileges to one of the parties before the case is finished. The temporary order is replaced by the final and permanent order at the end of the case. An order for temporary relief may include the following:

* Temporary custody and/or visitation
* Temporary child support
* Temporary maintenance (also known as spousal support)
* Temporary exclusive possession of the marital residence
* Temporary division of bills such as a mortgage
* A temporary restraining order keeping the other party from selling or getting rid of property
* A temporary restraining order keeping the other party from removing a child from the jurisdiction of the court
* Interim attorney’s fees
* Any other appropriate temporary relief

ok .. craziness here. i'm going to try and summarize - then i'm heading to church to try and catch my pastor. you can still post, and i'll check it after i talk to him (about an hour). (btw - my lawyer had authorized changing the locks)

i did get ahold of my (christian) lawyer. he said he was planning to call me monday; had had a LONG talk with WH on friday. believes he's finally seeing the light. told him that he is ready to break things off with OW, meet this week with me/lawyer/pastor, do whatever the church tells him to do.

i was freaking out on the phone. literally sobbing, and yelling. honestly - because i want it, and i don't want it, and i'm afraid it's just more babble. that now he's trying to manipulate my lawyer!!! because where is the action? didn't i make it clear what he needed to do to proceed? has he done it?

and he said things like, 'her treating me with this kind of disrespect is making me harden towards her, decreasing the chances of reconciliation'

?????

i am screaming inside. my lawyer is saying he and the pastor could be here to meet and talk with WH when he brings the kids back today. me too - but i suggested maybe i SHOULDN'T be here for this initial conversation, to see if it's even legit??

SMB, i want it to look like YOURS. can i want that? or does it just look different each time, and maybe my WH won't have the lights truly going on until later?

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Phoenix and Kids}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

God can work miracles, but it may not appear like any others so be careful of your expectations, P.

We're here for you.

Ace

can someone quickly post where to find the example of NC letter and some recovery guidelines?

I would stay in Plan B for now...let them meet with him and go from there.

Phoenix:

I don't believe I ever posted to you.

We've been happily RECOVERED for 5 years.

When I was in your exact same position, I put in a call to Steve Harley.

He told me that by telepone to tell my WH that I needed HIS PLAN for "getting rid" of the OW FOR LIFE.

I recommend going ahead with the meeting IF he agrees to BRING a NC LETTER along with his agreement to EXTRAORDINARY PRECAUTIONS to the meeting...changing phone nos...etc.

I read about your situation this morning and felt like he did not like the idea of PLAN B at all...that he wants to cake-eat..

I think that there is hope for your situation..and that you need to consider that he is TRYING to break away...

No big deal about the letter...

It basically needs to say: "I LOVE MY WIFE"..don't want to see you ever again in my life..don't try to contact me and I won't try to contact you..

Wow. Why was YOUR lawyer speaking with WH? Do they know each other personally? Guess that's moot if WH is being true about his desire to make things right. But I question that because of the way he behaved TODAY when he found out about the locks.

Maybe he went through your attorney because of your Plan B letter. If he's for real then he'll be willing to do whatever the church tells him to do AND do what you require, no contact for life, etc.

(((Phoenix))) Wow.

This response is pretty typical. He is telling you what he thinks you want to hear so that things can go back to the nice, comfy, sit-on-the-fence-and-eat-cake arrangement he's had going for so long.

Tatto this on the inside of your eyelids:

His WORDS mean NOTHING.

Trust only his ACTIONS.

What has he actually DONE -- not said he'll do, but ALREADY DONE?
Mulan

Meant to add: It's also the holidays, which is the perfect time for a "repentent" WS to suddenly see the light and want to come home.

Please read meremortal's thread about "Beware false holiday recovery attempts". It's on this page.
Mulan

P,

Proceed with caution.

My story was full of a great deal of pain with our false recovery. His first return home was much different than his second (and last). He got a "taste" of Plan B boundaries, and didn't like it. I let him come home because he said all the right things to get in the door, but he DID nothing. He came home for about 2 months, then left and started up with OW again. THAT was heartbreaking for me and the children.

Stay in Plan B. Let your minister and lawyer meet with him, but be sure THEY understand your Plan B boundaries.

Come up with a list of requirements for him to come home. My list included things that I knew he would NEVER do unless God had totally broken him. I could not bear another false recovery. Here's my list:

No contact letter that I read and mail.



Confess fully the details that I need.



Apology for the affair and the hurtful actions that followed.



Apology to children.



Individual counseling, marriage counseling, and family counseling to rebuild the many broken relationships.



Weekly accountability to three men that I choose or agree to.



Attend church weekly.



Provide to me all cell phone records and Mastercard account records for the last year.



Provide cell phone records every month, and provide computer access and passwords.



Complete, radical honesty about our entire history together.



Complete, radical honesty in the future.



Honesty with your parents about your affair.



Commit to eliminating any activities that interfere with time necessary for us to rebuild our relationship and the relationships with our children.



Account for all hidden assets/money within the company.



Take a polygraph test with an administrator that I choose.



Sign a post-nuptial agreement that states you will sign the house over to me, provide a lump sum for me to invest for retirement, and possibly sign a large portion of the business to me if we ever divorce. (The details would be written by my lawyer.)



Take your time, P. You don't have to make a decision about anything TODAY. Stay firm with your boundaries, and DON'T talk to him yet. Hearing his voice will mess with your head and will give him the "fix" that he is desparate for right now.

You are doing great! You are a strong woman.

thanks so much guys - i got to talk to my pastor, he is wonderful. cleared things up. he really knows WH, lawyer does not. my pastor will not be fooled (again) by WH, and will make sure i do not get put in a destructive situation with him. he and the lawyer agree that there are some very clear guidelines WH would have to meet, and the lawyer said he conveyed that and WH is ready to do them. but you are totally right (i WANT to tatoo that on the inside of my eyelids!!) - i am realizing that so far, he has actually done.. nothing. so we will see.

my lawyer and pastor are going to be there when he drops off the boys - they're going to have a short talk with him to feel it out. if they think he's serious, he's going to set up a longer meeting early this week. so we'll see.. i'll post again in a couple hours about how it went.

i am trying not to get my hopes up.

mulan - i saw your post. my WH is very passive-aggresive, are you the one that asked whether recover is possibly with a PA? do you think it is?

thanks guys (and thanks for the HUGS, much needed today..)

This is from Dr. Harley's article, "Coping with Infidelity" on this website. You may want to read over the entire article.

"How should an unfaithful spouse tell his lover that their relationship is over? If left to their own devices, many would take a Caribbean cruise to say their final good-byes. Obviously, that will not do. In fact, I recommend that the final good-bye be in the form of a letter, and not in person or even by telephone.

My advice is to write a final letter in a way that the victimized spouse would agree to send it. It should begin with a statement of how selfish it was to cause those they loved so much pain, and while marital reconciliation cannot completely repay the offense, it's the right thing to do. A statement should be made about how much the unfaithful spouse cares about his spouse and family, and for their protection, has decided to completely end the relationship with the lover. He or she has promised never to see or communicate with the lover again in life, and asks the lover to respect that promise. Nothing should be said about how much the lover will be missed. After the letter is written, the victimized spouse should read and approve it before it is sent."

I don't know where the link is for an actual letter. I will keep looking.

I was in coaching with Steve so I guess that makes a difference.

But my thinking was that YOU may need to very succinctly and briefly TELL him that you need THE LETTER.

IMO, this is between YOU and YOUR HUSBAND and you are involving a lot of outside parties.

Just some contact between YOU and HIM..MIGHT..be OK at this point...

I might be wrong...

Everyone is different...

I would have LOST with my WH if I had made a HUGE list of DEMANDS...

Steve told me to ONLY REQUEST the NC LETTER to begin with...

And I absolutely AGREE that ACTION speaks louder than words...

THE LETTER would be ACTION...

I was told to succinctly say: "Get rid of the OW and then we can talk about us" and then to hang up...

[color:"blue"] [/color]

Don't call it a "relationship," call it what it is, an affair. But what everthing else seems right on point.

I agree with SMB, this seems very much like the first time her husband returned home, which was a false recovery. Phoenix, in your situation, there has to be absolutely no contact, which means that either one of them have to quit their job.

thanks guys. it's over, for now. they met with WH for awhile - afterwards my pastor was running late, but his brief summary was, 'nothing has changed.' his assessment is that WH is in a lot of pain and unhappy - does care about the pain he's causing me and the kids, but it's not enough pain to actually make him do anything, yet.

he was under the assumption that he would have to quit his job, which he refuses to do. he said it's the 'one stable thing' in his life, and that he's been with the company forever, etc. P said the condition isn't that he quit his job, but that he can no longer work with OW - whatever that looks like. i guess my WH said he thinks she would quit if he breaks it off with her.

he said he doesn't want a 'support network' of men who haven't spoken to him in months because of this, etc. P said that the main issue is him wanting to get right with God, and when he is ready for that, he will want all the help he can get. in which case he will be thankful for those men, not resenting them.

P said he gave him a hug and said to call him if he decided to talk or try and figure this out.

i could go on and on, but i won't. i'm sure you've all heard it all before, huh.. probably is a case of planbholidayitis. he was also really mad about the locks - but they set him straight about it. yes - you were right on that my lawyer would be going for sole temporary rights to the marital estate, and thinks i would most likely get it. if WH chooses to fight the locks.

he told my lawyer that though he's still open to reconciliation, my actions now are making him 'harden his heart toward me.'
this really bothered me at first - of course i don't want that.. but it hit me later this morning. MY actions are causing HIM to harden HIS heart?? how CRAZY. trust me buster, if i can keep my heart soft through this whole ugly year, you could manage a soft heart despite my 'harsh' boundaries!!

the good news is that i'm not laying in a puddle weeping right now. sad, disappointed, a little sick to my stomach - but not a mess.

thanks again for all the hugs.

That's exactly what I was thinking. It seems that he is NOT taking responsibility yet for his actions so far. He definately has not hit rock bottom yet, if he's truly remorseful, he wouldn't blame you for ANYTHING.

Phoenix, right now, enough pressure has been put on this affair and it won't last for long. Continue with Plan B and be strong.