Hey Mimi,

When did you find out that all your presumptous were wrong?

Phoenix, listen to everything Mimi says, she is amazing and will steer you so right. It's hard, trust me I know, but you can do this. Just know you are safe here and people care.

Queenie

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Phoenix & kids}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

....hang in there.....much more is happening that may not be revealed until much later.

Ace

I'm not sure this is much help.......but whenever I was around others I tried so hard to be cool and collected only to lay awake all night fighting with God and feeling the distress of all my pitiful lies......

You have no idea what he is feeling.....so don't assume anything. It will just mess with your mind!

read MrsWonderings inspirational thread today....

SMB and I are praying for you daily....

Acey is right. Things are stirring in your WS. All the consequences of his choices are becoming reality. Give it time.

When I thought FWH was happiest, I know now, were some of his worst times internally. There was a battle inside of him, that I knew nothing about. So don't expect any of his words or actions to make any sense. My FWS said the most ridiculous things and acted like a real idiot the whole time the affair was going on and after as began to defog (I didn't know he was defogging. I thought he was still with her). The more his battle raged inside, the more ridiculous he became. But all I saw was the crazy behavior and words.

This is not the time to become soft-hearted, unsure, wavering, or discouraged. Remember, "Strength will rise, as we wait upon the Lord." He spoke it to me, and He spoke it to you. You WILL get stronger every single day. You will crash some days, but only to rise up even stronger the day after.

And about the locks, BA soooooo doesn't get it. You WS is so furious about the locks because it took control away from him. My husband had the same response about the different ways I took control of my life, my home, and my children. Right now, your WS doesn't have a clue how much control he will lose over his family. He still imagines that he will play husband and father when he wants to, and single man with no responsibilities when he feels like that.

Your Plan B, takes away the husband role and puts a big hole in the father role as well (because that's what divorce will do, too. He just doesn't get that yet.) Keep that in mind. Don't be afraid to remove him from your lives as much as possible. That's a does of reality for him.

Just always do it with the bottom line of, "I want to restore our marriage and our love for each other, but I will not tolerate a third person in our marriage."

You aren't closing a door, but you are enforcing a very healthy boundary for you and your children.

OK P, I told you tst (my FWS) and I have been praying for you.

And now, here we are, posting simultaneously and not knowing it. How cool is that!

God has put your family on both our hearts in a major way.

I pray that one day, your WS is here posting, and tst is walking by his side through your recovery.


P.S. BTW, his words and actions are no longer ridiculous. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> I even cringed when I wrote that earlier. But he'll admit it, too.

Hope you're able to email SMB and tst...but I just wanted to know you're being prayed for. How are you?

If you've started a new thread, forgive me for asking on this one...it's the first I found here on GQII.

(If you're busy with Christmas prep, I understand.)

Looking forward to an update soon.

Ace

How ya doin' Phoenix? Hope things are going well. Looking forward to an update.

Ace

Ace,

I think she is out of town for the holidays.

Hope to hear from her soon. Keep praying!

Ace, you are so sweet. You're always lookin' out for people.

Hi SMB, knowing you two are in touch by email is comforting....I hope you are at least, but I just wanted P to know we all care too. Thanks for the heads up. I'll keep praying.


Thanks, SMB, I will never forget how thrilled I was that Chrisner bumped my thread after a week, asking for an update when I felt like I didn't belong here. So I try to do the same for a few at a time. It's nice to hear it's appreciated. I am glad that you care, too. It's all part of our therapy, I think. (I remember when Womanoffaith5 (or was it Coach's Wife) was one of the few posting to you for awhile....she gave such good advice, I didn't bother....but I kept looking for you...glad it helped.)

Looking forward to an update, Phoenix. Hope your trip was good.

Ace

i knew that the holidays/midwest winter were going to be hard.. but i really was not prepared for what has been hitting me the last few weeks. i'm becoming worried about myself; lately i've been going to sleep every night right after i get the boys in bed, and napping during the day, and still just feel an exhaustion like i've never experienced before. i feel like i can hardly move, which is pretty tough being the only caretaker for three little boys. it is honestly just God's grace that i made it through the holidays.

so a friend was telling me yesterday that she really thinks it's a physcial depression that's affecting me now, and is also worried. my doctor had prescribed an anti-dep. a few months ago for me, but i haven't taken it. i am worried about not knowing how it will affect me, etc - but am starting to feel like maybe i should instead of waiting for things to get worse? i'm still doing everything i 'should' be - like exercise, eating, sleeping, praying, etc - it just feels like i'm living under a big wet black blanket right now that hardly ever lifts.

SOOO - i know there might be differing opinions on this, which is okay - i'm just looking for a little advice or experience with this. anybody..?

also, i have been having horible nightmares about WH and OW every night for awhile now. all the things/scenarios i control my mind NOT to think about during the day.. i've prayed but not seeing any affect - any ideas here? i am waking up still exhausted, AND devestated.

ACE and SMB - thanks so much for thinking of me, i haven't even been on the computer until now. trying to 'do' Christmas alone with three little ones and a bucket of grief was pretty trying. but it was a warm fuzzy to see your posts tonight when i finally got back on. thankyou.

So sorry you are feeling so tired. That is normal. I don't think I would have made it without anti-D's. I was walking around like a zombie - even at work. They took 21 days to kick in, and on the 22nd day, I woke up and felt GREAT. I did well at work, got a promotion, and it just changed everything. I took them for 8 months, and then tapered off, and it went fine. Haven't had to take them again for the last 3 years.

I hope you will take them. They make you feel kind of strange at first, and my mouth was dry, but all that went away in a couple of weeks.

phoenix, so sorry to hear that you're been depressed. Try to invite some friends or family over for a movie, bible study, etc. instead of just you and the kids.

Hope your H is more misserable than you are!

Hi Pheonix,

I'm new here and in the midst of my own "crisis" so I don't have any advice concerning that. I do want to say however, TAKE the meds. I know it is hard to admit that sometimes we can't do it our own, even with the support of family and friends, and sometimes it seems even GOD is not listening, but in the end you have wished that you had done it sooner. The one thing I was blessed with during all of this (my Dday was just on 11-25-07....Happy Holidays Honey.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />) was the fact that I was already on Zoloft. Actually, my DR. and I were taking steps to wean me off of it in August (I suffer from acute anxiety and panic attacks...not so much from depression...but that is a WHOLE nother story). So 2 days after DDay, I went to my Dr. and told her what was going on, we bumped up the Zoloft and got me some Xanax for the rougher moments, and I know I would be locked up somewhere if I didn't already have them.

When I first started having the attacks, I would be prostate on the floor BEGGING, PLEADING, BARGAINING to God to make them go away. It took 9 months before I finally gave in to everyone's advice (including my Dr.). It made a world of difference.

The side effects are different for everyone, but generally subside soon afterwards. It may also take some time to find the right kind and dosage for you (Paxil didn't do to much for me and the side effects were bad...Zoloft has been much better) but you will get help from your Dr. on where to go from there.

I hope this helps you with the decision, I know what a hard one it is to make. I'll keep you in my prayers until then....


Not2fun

thanks believer and not2fun, for the encouragement & experience. i would love to think that i might feel that much better that soon!

stillsame - thanks for the suggestions -i have still been doing those things, as i have all along this year. but it is feeling like i can't 'feel' them anymore, and even being with my close friends feels draining and exhausting. i will keep trying to 'do' the right things, and hope that maybe the meds will could help me start experiencing them again..?

Hi phoenix-

I went on Celexa to help with the anxiety of it all. It helped even things out for me. Your body is under a great amount of stress and because our bodies/brains are very delicately chemically balanced, these kinds of stresses can sap us of what we need to just function and feel "normal." Anti-d's just help restore that chemical balance.

I noticed a difference after about 2 weeks.

Give them a try. They worked just like magic for me.

'even things out'
'work like magic'

these are not words we BS get to hear all the time! sounds like i should try them for sure <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Phoenix,

Good for you...try to look at taking them as not being helpless, but for helping yourself (and your kids...trust me, they notice the changes in mom...). I know its a tough decision, but I liked to look at it as God gave someone the brains to discover these medicines so that we could handle the suffering on earth..(I took that view when I had kids and decided "NATURAL" birth was not for me...pass me the epidural please... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />).

And if you start taking them, make sure to make a follow up visit with your Dr. in about 6-8 weeks to see how they are working. Sometimes it takes a few adjustments to get where you feel like "you" again, and that's what you want. And DO NOT go off them without talking to your Dr. first. If you stop taking them "cold turkey" like I did with the Paxil, the side effects are awful and you will go through scary withdrawls (your Dr. will tell you all of this, but I just wanted you to know that it not BS..been there, done that...wish I hadn't..).

Good Luck and let us know how it goes....I may not know much about how to handle all of this messy A stuff, but I know a little bit about Anti-D's. My mom teaches Pharmacy Tech. and has been in the drug industry for years, so whatever I don't know from experience I can get from her. If you have any questions, feel free to ask.....

Praying for you....n2f

I hate taking meds. However, my doc prescribed me seroquel 50mg and I took it at night for my anxiety during sleep time. It really helped me not only sleep but also curb my depression and anxiety during the day. I think you need to consider this or another option. It's hard to go through what you are going through and you need to use the help you have.

I'm also a mom of three and it is never easy.

edited to say that this post is from SMB. TST was still logged in on my computer when I posted.

P,

Well, I hesitate...but let me be the voice from the other side.

I did not use AD's. You can read about it in my thread, when so many started saying I should. I feel sad that other options are not offered FIRST to people dealing with so many emotions.

I believe that certain times in our lives, those feelings of sorrow, grief, depression, etc. are a normal and HEALTHY reaction to our circumstances.

My PERSONAL belief is that in times of grief, it is a healthy measure to allow ourselves to dive in deep and feel those feelings. That by doing so, we process every feeling we need to with the goal of moving through them. How long does that take? Well, not weeks, that's for sure.

I suffered physically. I could barely eat. I would sleep a few hours and then wake up with such grief at about 2 a.m. I went from a size 4 to a size 0.

But I handled my grief and depression in a different way than meds. I made the choice to make myself as healthy as possible so that my body and mind would have a better chance to get through my circumstances...not just surviving them.

Here are some suggestions that you might want to consider before trying AD's. However, these aren't quick fixes where you'll wake up after so many doses and "feel better".

1. Confide in a few friends, and ask them to check in with you often. My friends were available to listen for however long I needed to talk. I chose 3 to confide in, and one or more would call me daily. They also stayed in communication with each other, too. They prayed together for me. They would ask me if I had eaten yet that day. How did I sleep. Did I want them to take my kids for the afternoon.

2. I had certain foods that I made sure were on hand...comfort foods. I drank a berry yogurt smoothie (do you know how healthy berries are?) for breakfast every single morning. I had whole wheat toast for moments when I thought eating might make me throw up. I had pasta and butter. I kept salad and other raw veggies around. I would grab a few nuts or veggies and take a few bites throughout the day (didn't overwhelm my very nauseous stomach).

3. I used a homeopathic remedy called Ignatia, which is for grief and emotional upset. I considered herbs, too, but I don't know much about them. We've had a homeopathic D.O. for 13 years, so I know a lot about homeopathy.

4. I maintained an exercise program. For me, that was Tai Chi (very relaxing). Exercise releases natural chemicals in the brain that counteract depression. I also took walks.

5. I found a "secret place" in my home where I could go and "hide" when I felt that overwhelming emotional tornado raging inside. I could sob my heart out...which I believe is a very healthy, cleansing thing to do.

6. I went to sleep as soon as I could get the kids down. I most always woke up around 2 a.m. But I somehow got around 5 hours of sleep a night, which I considered good for what I was dealing with. Sometimes I napped during the afternoon.

7. I prayed...pouring my heart out to God. Somedays, my prayers were an almost constant dialog in my head throughout the day.

8. I took my vitamins.

9. I accepted help from our church family, who brought meals often, helped around the house, and did some "manly" jobs that I didn't know what to do with.

I have a very different viewpoint from most Americans, I know. But I don't see anything wrong with me when I am depressed, sad, grief-stricken because my husband chose some ho over me and my children and that everything I'd ever believed about my life now seems to be a horrific lie. To me, it seems like the APPROPRIATE response. In America, we want to embrace all the "feel good" emotions, even the really high ones, when circumstances are appropriate for such emotions. But we don't want to embrace the negative ones, when I circmustances warrant them.

I am not criticizing anyone for doing what they feel they needed to do to survive what was probably the most horrific experience in their lives. I just offer another viewpoint.

P, you are the only one who can make this decision for what is right for you. I had a few people here that as soon as I mentioned not eating or sleeping well, immediately said I needed drugs to get through this. I had a few people telling me "what you're feeling is perfectly normal." The perfectly normal thing made more sense to me.

In the end, it is you who has to deal with your choices and the consequences of them. Pray and follow God's leading.