Well, maybe I'm getting the hang of this after all. I've been out since I posted (counseling, WH visitation dropoff, etc.) - but I had strongly felt like revising my lawyer's letter before I got to hear back from you. Below is the first sentence of his response and what I thought might be an appropriate change. It was nice to sit down now and read your feedback and see how my mind is getting maybe a little healthier, stronger. I still have to go over this all tomorrow with the lawyer, and am pretty sure WH is going to fight it - but it seems like the consensus is to go for it anyway..?

BS has requested that we defer reinstating visitation at the home.

>>to<<

Visitation at the family home while you continue to engage in an
extramarital affair is not an option.

Well done!

That is just excellent - succinct and to the point.

Under what legal condition are you going to keep your H from coming and going as he pleases. Do you have something in writing giving you sole use of the home?

I AGREE 100% that he shouldn't be allowed to come back until he meets your terms...but that really doesn't mean a hill of beans legally.

So, I would suggest that you develop an alternate plan just in case he is unwilling to go along with the suggestion that he not have visitation in the home.

BTW, I really like your wording for the letter.

thanks for the kudos!
medc - The lawyer said I would probably get sole temporary custody of the home - to fight it WH would have to get a lawyer and take it to court, which I'm not sure he will. At this point he doesn't want to spend the money so he is defending himself up until we get to the settlement details.. the risk I'm taking is that if I stay firm in this position, he may get his own lawyer sooner and things become more difficult in general for me..

Perfect! I would also add, "please refer to letter dated XX-XX-XXXX for clarification of terms."

I would continually refer him back to that letter each and every time he attempts to push you into breaking your Plan B.

Good job, phoenix! Just hang tough and don't let him get through. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I understand you would most likely get that...my question is...what is stopping him from coming there tomorrow and making himself at home? Do you have an agreement in place...if not, have a plan as to what you will do if he decides it is in his best interest to come home.

Hi Phoenix,

Hope all continues to go as well as could be expected. Glad you're able to work with your lawyer to state your conditions clearly. Thanks for keeping us posted.

Ace

WH got the legal email today denying in-home visitation; he immediately called my lawyer and was furious. I guess after some brief yelling and sarcasm, WH ended by saying 'we'll just see what the courts say about this!' and slammed down the phone.

SO.. I guess it's as I thought. He is probably going to stop 'representing himself', hire a lawyer to fight some things, and life may start getting more difficult around here. *sigh* as if it's not difficult enough already?? maybe the meds will be helping some by then!

I'm feeling pretty nervous tonight; but I keep thinking that my lawyer didn't seem scared or intimidated, so I should just follow his cues.. And I'm doing the right thing here, right..? (right?)

medc, I did already change the locks - does that answer your question above or were you wondering something else specific?

phoenix, we will see what happens. But just know this, almost every WS kicks and screams when he sees he no longer has the freedom to abuse his BS. He does not like losing control and will scream in order to scare you back into submission. You have taken back the reigns of your life and are no longer at his mercy. The lunatic is no longer running the asylum and is furious about that.

So, stand strong and don't let his ranting and raging scare you. You are doing the right thing.

Hey Phoenix,

How's it going? Hope you're standing strong. Let us know what's happening when you can.

Ace

Just some updates here (thanks Ace). WH did finally retain his own attorney, who contacted mine yesterday for a general conversation, but said NOTHING about visitation changes or house re-entry! My L thinks this guy probably just counseled WH to just get moving on the D and not waste the time/money on fighting the house issue. SO, WH finally asked for the papers he needed to fill out the financial disclosure and everything's a'movin. It's funny how I hate that I've felt so STUCK for so long; can't think about dating, moving on, finding a job etc. until he gets this D moving. Yet every time I hear from my L that WH is starting to take action it just makes me want to vomit - I still don't think I believe this is really happening to me.

My best friend was here with her kids visiting this week (she was the maid-of-honor in my wedding). When she went out to get my boys from WH at the drop-off yesterday, he wouldn't even look her in the eyes or acknowledge her.

On the other front, my depression still seems about the same (though it was SO great to have my friend here). I guess I'm not quite as exhausted as I was earlier .. and I did finally go get my STD check, so will hear back later in the week - Happy New Year to me, huh?

I was looking through our bank account and found a fee charged for withdrawing foreign cash during the break between Christmas and New Years - it made me so sad. I know OW loves foreign travel - which WH has wanted and we had hoped to do together. She (and her family) are well-off, so I'm guessing she took him somewhere over the break. Y U C K. And now it's hard for me to imagine ever getting to go anywhere else on what will be my new single-mom budget!!

Thanks for 'listening', and letting me vent a bit.

Hey Phoenix4,

I really can relate to what you are saying about the travel thing. My WH and I did some traveling before the kids came and I was really looking forward to getting away with him again.

I looked at it like I was putting off some fun temporarily until the kids were a bit older then we would have some enjoyable trips.

Like your WH, mine went to the Ocean and visited with his OW there for 45 minutes. I was very hurt because I asked if he went there alone and he said yes. However, later I saw photographic evidence that he was lying through his teeth.<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

We were married at the Ocean (though not in the same town he was with the OW, thank goodness) and we had not gone there together in years.

I feel like if we did reconcile, it would be difficult not to wonder whether or not he was thinking about her if we went there together at a later time.

But I am leaving that in God's hands.

As for your feelings of depression, I heard a sermon on the radio the last two days where the Pastor provided a 10 step program for feeling better. The first step was to do something to nice to help someone else. The second step was to repeat that 9 times. LOL.

I really do believe that it does help you when you help others. Maybe if you could get involved in your church with your children helping people improve their lives, that would do the trick. There is always a God-given natural high that comes from doing good unto others.

I am praying for you and your boys...and even for your WH.

Keep the faith, God will get you through.

Sara

phoenix, did you expose this affair? We have been so diverted getting you safely into Plan B that I can't remember what you have done on the exposure frontier.

Sara - thanks for the friendly encouragement. I *do* feel better when helping others; however my helping with the 2, 4, and 6yr olds often leaves me feeling like I just created more work than actual help!! I will keep my eyes open though for some opportunities..

ML - I've done the complete exposure route, *except* for at work [looking down sheepishly at the floor]. My lawyer convinced me to wait just a short bit, will probably happen now this month. He wanted the papers filed first, and temporary support/maintenance firmly established in case WH quit or got fired. He also had an idea which I liked; OW is named in the petition (as the 'parmour he is cohabitating with - my friends wondered if that word is a hybrid of parasite and ******?) - and he asked how I would feel about outing WH by involving his boss as a witness.. anyway, we'll see what happens on that front. I seriously can not imagine that anything would make any difference to WH at this point; he seems to be firmly set in the cement.

Everyone else (friends, church, etc.) is having no contact with him, except his family. He just emailed a friend the other day, bemoaning how he has 'lost everything' - which always makes me want to scream. You 'lose everything' by way of natural disaster or disease or something, not by your own willful, selfish choices. The boys and I are not lost, we were thrown out!!

I just barely made it through the holidays, and what is up in the aisles now? Valentine's Day!! *sigh*

SOOO today I was taking a nap on the couch and I woke up to find a valentine that my 6yr old had made and set on my chest. It was covered with hearts and said,
'DO NOT WORRY, GOD IS WITH YOU!' and some other 'I love mom' type things. And more hearts.

He also taped a piece of chocolate to the card for me, and told me it was because he knows chocolate has caffeine in it!
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Phoenix, What a sweet boy(s) you have. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

If you are in touch with SMB and tst, their input on this might be just what you need. All I can say for now is...

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Phoenix & boys}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Ace

I have just been feeling so ANGRY lately. And I am not an angry person.
I keep thinking maybe it will pass, but it's really not. Maybe it's a stage, maybe it's the depression, I don't know. Just wondering if anyone has any venting suggestions???

I've been doing Plan A, Plan B, Plan D etc for so long now it feels.. and I understand this isn't even exactly Jesus-like and might be harmful to me, but is there ever a time to just YELL at WH?!! Tell him the reality of who he's becoming, what he's doing, what he's missing out on with his sons, what I think of OW that would do this to someone's young family??! .... After the D..? Never..?

I remember reading SMB's letter to her FWH when he returned about all the things, the specific things, that had hurt. I feel like mine are just floating around my mind, poisoning me now, and he will probably never have a clue! Any ideas..?

(today; my 6yr old has a horrible flu and i can't even just run out to the drugstore to get him some crackers because H is off living bachelor life while i clean up vomit!!! aargh..)

Abused people DO TEND to get "angry," phoenix!!! That is called NORMAL AND HEALTHY. What is not healthy is when people internalize their anger. YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO FEEL ANGER at injustice! This is a righteous anger.

I think this is a big improvement over the crippling depression you have been experiencing.

Sorry to hear about your little boy. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> Is there anyone close by that can get to the store for you?

Venting suggestions: Write him a letter, give him the what for... let it all out... cuss words and all (even if you don't cuss! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />) Then rip it up. Same thing with prayer, you can vent to God you know. He can take it. He understands. Read the things David said to God. He vented ALL the time!

I don't remember, are you in Plan A or B? Either way, directly or through your intermediary, can't you get a message to WH that he is needed, if nothing else to just make a run to the drugstore for HIS sick child? I don't think Plan A or Plan B means allowing WH to wiggle out of his responsibilities as a parent.

PM, she is in Plan B, but she has been dealing with his FLAGRANT affair for well over a year now. Without being angry!

She is not supposed to contact him to go to the store for something, unfortunately. Plan B is supposed to emulate divorce. Not to mention that he lives in another city.