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MelodyLane #1978183 01/19/08 02:26 PM
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Oops my bad. I shoulda made the disclaimer that I'm no Plan Anything expert.


Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage
*********************
“In a sense now, I am homeless. For the home, the place of refuge, solitude, love-where my husband lived-no longer exists.” Joyce Carolyn Oates, A Widow's Story
princessmeggy #1978184 01/19/08 02:28 PM
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Oops my bad. I shoulda made the disclaimer that I'm no Plan Anything expert.

But you are cute, and we love ya! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


MelodyLane #1978185 01/19/08 04:01 PM
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Thanks guys. Yeah, I have friends and neighbors that can help with things like that. I guess after a year I'm just *tired* of asking other people to help with things because the man who just willingly fathered these three little guys has disappeared! I wish there was a way that he doesn't get to walk away from all the RESPONSIBILITY of parenting. I'm sorry, but there's no way around it - real parenting is just plain W O R K sometimes.. Sometimes it is dancing around the kitchen laughing, and sometimes it is just cleaning up puke!

I think I AM going to try the letter thing as well.

One question: WH has removed everyone now from his life who would speak truth about what he's doing. Do you think that matters at all? If he was continuing to hear from someone(s) about the consequences his sin is having on his children would that make any difference? Or do I just let it all go for now..


BW(me) + XWH - 36
3DS - now 10, 8, 6
Married 10 years
D-Day 10-5-07, lots of Plan B, etc.
Plan D --finalized 2-09

Remarried to wonderful man 1-1-11!
now 3 NEW bonuschildren: DD 4, DS 8&9

... ... ...
GOD IS GOOD.
phoenix4 #1978186 01/22/08 09:22 AM
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One question: WH has removed everyone now from his life who would speak truth about what he's doing. Do you think that matters at all? If he was continuing to hear from someone(s) about the consequences his sin is having on his children would that make any difference? Or do I just let it all go for now..

Ask yourself this, P...."what can I own and control?" He chooses to remove his 'detractors', probably out of guilt. That's better than him feeling indifference and not caring.

Letting it go is within your control. That's where the power of prayer comes in. (From you and the others he thinks he's removed.) Just re-read SMB's thread if you want to see just how powerful prayer can be.

Wish I knew what else to tell you but others will soon.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Phoenix and kids}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Ace

_Ace_ #1978187 01/22/08 10:27 AM
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T H A N K S A C E !!!!!

(I think you are echoing the very thing that God has been speaking to me this whole year .. 'letting it go is within you're control' .. awesome wisdom from you)

phoenix4 #1978188 01/22/08 10:52 AM
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Phoenix - I missed it - did you expose the affair to the family of the other woman?

believer #1978189 01/22/08 03:16 PM
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b - I don't know her family at all. I'm pretty sure she doesn't have any here, is from out east I think. And she's never been married..


BW(me) + XWH - 36
3DS - now 10, 8, 6
Married 10 years
D-Day 10-5-07, lots of Plan B, etc.
Plan D --finalized 2-09

Remarried to wonderful man 1-1-11!
now 3 NEW bonuschildren: DD 4, DS 8&9

... ... ...
GOD IS GOOD.
phoenix4 #1978190 01/22/08 04:57 PM
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Phoenix,

Keeping you in my prayers!

I'm glad that you've decided no visitation in the home. Your WH may not want to hear the truth, but the courts will give it to him when it comes to the kids.

What do you want if D ultimately happens? What goals do you have for yourself? How do you see your life in 6 mos, 1 yr, 3 yrs, 5 yrs etc?

I'm asking you this because you have sons and its highly unlikely that they will remain in your sole custody until 18 yrs of age. They could very well want to live with their dad once they reach high school.

If this is a possible scenario, then you'll want to plan for it financially.


Look, if you want him to share the parenting responsibilities, then find out how your state wants divorced parents to do this. Follow the guidelines that will best meet your and the boys needs. Have your atty get them fulfilled via court order in the most uncomfortable manner to you WH.

He hasn't had any major responsibilities in this. Now sic your bull dog on him. Have the atty, if possible, get the judge to order visitation in your city at a residence provided by your H. I mean, you 6 yr old is entitled to overnighters with dad. Maybe even the 4 yr old.

You can throw a wrench into his cozy little love nest if you tell the court you expect H to keep the kids according to the recommended guidelines. H won't be allowed around his paramour. She'll have to put up with sacrifices while he parents his kids. She won't like it! Reality bites!

If you're going to have to return to college for job training so you can get adequate employment, the courts will take this into consideration too. Have the H pay alimony so you can do it.

Make a map of where you want your life to be without your H as a major player in it. Take into consideration the needs of growing boys. They don't stay little for long.

You're letting your H know that it isn't business as usual. That you're taking your territory back. And you intend to do so with the courts backing you.

Maybe that reality will knock some sense into his head. If not, at least you'll be happier because you won't have him dictating your life's circumstances anymore.

I think the ramifications of a legal S or D might just cause your H enough discomfort that it will at least break-up this fantasy he's been living. JMO


Live, love, and laugh because the best is yet to come!
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The last two days I've actually, finally, been feeling just a *little* more like myself! A little energy coming back, a little vision, some smiling.. I hope there is more to come. And then this afternoon something really GOT TO ME. I am now, officially,
A N G R Y .

I do graphic design, WH does web design. We put up seperate sites for each of us (for our freelance work) a couple years ago that have our individual portfolios on them. So if we are talking to prospective freelance clients, we just point them to the specific site to check it out. Well, I met someone today who was interested in having me do some work and I gave him my web address .. got home later, and just by chance, thought I'd check up on it. OGRE WH has taken my portfolio down and put up a smarmy black page that says in big letters, 'Try something else. Nothing here.'

SO, he (we) are still paying hosting for my address, but instead of my portfolio, it's just a blank. This is just downright mean - since he knows that is how I will have to look for work TO FEED HIS CHILDREN!!! How crazy is that? Why would he do that, except to just be a JERK? You would think *I* had the A. I have done *nothing* to incite him or be mean, besides not letting him in the house which is not punitive, is just a protection for me and my kids.
AAAAAHHHHHH.
I'm not anxious about it, will contact my lawyer about it tomorrow and figure something out, I just feel MAD. Like he doesn't thing he's done enough to hurt me already..???

Thanks rmj for all the feedback, though this:
They could very well want to live with their dad once they reach high school.
makes me want to
SCREAM. What does it mean to plan for that financially?

Also, can you elaborate on this? Along what lines do you mean..
Take into consideration the needs of growing boys. They don't stay little for long.

i *will* have goals for myself, I just honestly don't know where to start. I feel like I'm back at the bottom of that pyramid you learn in school - just focusing on survival, a long ways from 'self-actualization' at the top! I can make the most money going back into what I did before (design), but am not positive that's what I want to do.. any good suggestions on how to dig into those life/career/goal questions at this stage?


BW(me) + XWH - 36
3DS - now 10, 8, 6
Married 10 years
D-Day 10-5-07, lots of Plan B, etc.
Plan D --finalized 2-09

Remarried to wonderful man 1-1-11!
now 3 NEW bonuschildren: DD 4, DS 8&9

... ... ...
GOD IS GOOD.
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Phoenix,

When I mentioned the boys choosing to live with their dad in high school, I did so because a childhood friend's son decided to do this. When he went to live with his father, the child support sent to her for her son stopped. Thankfully, the boy's father did not make her pay support. Although he could have.

So, you will want to write a long term financial plan sans any child support in case the boys don't live with you til they're 18. Btw, my friend's son decided to live with his dad because the high school was much better and he had more friends where his dad lived. Also, he wanted to be with his dad because he related better to his dad (being a guy) at that time.


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When I said to take into consideration your growing boys, I meant in how their needs will change as they grow from infant to toddler, toddler to preschooler, elementary, middle school and then high school.

Please look up "visitation guidelines" plus your state of residence so you can see what is expected from the courts where you live.

Below is an example of what Illinois suggests (just using this as an example so you have an idea):


http://www.illinoislegalaid.org/index.cfm?fuseaction=home.dsp_content&contentID=1610


As you can see from the illinois example, after infancy, visitation is outside of the custodial home. For 2-5 yr olds, a weekend visit can be 2 days with an overnight in between. (Thus a problem for a cozy love nest when there's a no paramours clause. Daddy-o has the kids for the weekend and he can't bring skank around his kids. Plus, he has to provide a place outside of the custodial home for the visits to occur sans skank.)

Please find out everything you can about your state's guidelines. Remember that they're suggestions, not written in stone. You can still have an agreement that doesn't follow the suggestions to a tee.

And what he's doing with the website is ridiculous. If you live in a joint property state, then what's his is yours until the courts deem otherwise. He's gonna play hardball, but pulling this won't endear him to the system. Let your atty know about this 1st thing tomorrow. Capture a shot of the site currently and print a copy of it. Also call the provider and tell them it's been hacked and that you want it back to normal.

If the provider tells you he made the changes or gives you the ip that the changes originated from and it's from WH, then you'll have admissible proof there.

From here on you'll have to go into case building mode. Learn everything you can about D and stay in communication with your atty. Sounds like he's on the ball already.


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I do graphic design, WH does web design. We put up Well, I met someone today who was interested in having me do some work and I gave him my web address .. got home later, and just by chance, thought I'd check up on it. OGRE WH has taken my portfolio down and put up a smarmy black page that says in big letters, 'Try something else. Nothing here.'

SO, he (we) are still paying hosting for my address, but instead of my portfolio, it's just a blank. This is just downright mean - since he knows that is how I will have to look for work TO FEED HIS CHILDREN!!!

P,

You need to contact your lawyer about this. He is interfering in your ability to earn income. That would make him look VERY BAD to a judge.

Also, my lawyer advised me not to seek outside income, since I hadn't been earning one for years. If you have not been earning income for a few years, DO NOT start pursuing it until after the divorce is final (if it actually happens). It could affect your child support/alimony amount.



Quote
Why would he do that, except to just be a JERK?

He isn't just a jerk, he's an alien. They are totally wacked out of their minds in this state. This kind of stuff day in and day out will drive you insane. So use this as an affirmation as to how important Plan B is. If you had to deal with him daily in this state of mind, you would: 1.have a breakdown, 2.want to kill him, 3.lose every last bit of love you have for him, or 3.all of the above. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />



Quote
i *will* have goals for myself, I just honestly don't know where to start. I feel like I'm back at the bottom of that pyramid you learn in school - just focusing on survival, a long ways from 'self-actualization' at the top! I can make the most money going back into what I did before (design), but am not positive that's what I want to do.. any good suggestions on how to dig into those life/career/goal questions at this stage?

Please talk with your lawyer about this. You can brainstorm and plan, but be very careful about actually bringing in an income right now, P. If your home career blossomed, you could end up owing him alimony or child support!!!

It may be possible to continue to be home with your boys and homeschool. This was a decision your husband actively made with you. So why not do all in your power to make sure he follows through with that decision by providing financially for it to happen. My lawyer told me that our family lifestyle was suppose to stay as close to what it had been as possible.



Edited to fix quotes.

Last edited by sexymamabear; 01/23/08 10:31 AM.

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I do graphic design, WH does web design. We put up Well, I met someone today who was interested in having me do some work and I gave him my web address .. got home later, and just by chance, thought I'd check up on it. OGRE WH has taken my portfolio down and put up a smarmy black page that says in big letters, 'Try something else. Nothing here.'

SO, he (we) are still paying hosting for my address, but instead of my portfolio, it's just a blank. This is just downright mean - since he knows that is how I will have to look for work TO FEED HIS CHILDREN!!!

P, I've had my own web design business on the side since 1999. I suspect that all he did was rename your home page to the newly created JERK page. You can still download your site if you have the login information to preserve your files using an FTP program. At the least, I suggest you do that so you won't lose all that work!

I would also call your hosting provider and change the password on your hosting account and ask that WH be blocked from receiving anymore information about it (if you are the owner of the hosting account). If not, you may be out of luck trying this.

There's also a site that has a "Way Back Machine" where you can enter your website address and it will show the pages as they were going back for a while. You can then "print screen" those pages to show your attorney.

Here's the link for the Way Back Machine


Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage
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“In a sense now, I am homeless. For the home, the place of refuge, solitude, love-where my husband lived-no longer exists.” Joyce Carolyn Oates, A Widow's Story
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Talk with your lawyer BEFORE fixing the webpage. He will probably want to document what your husband.


Happily married to HerPapaBear



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Talk with your lawyer BEFORE fixing the webpage. He will probably want to document what your husband.

True! I just got carried away with telling P HOW to fix it and totally forgot the ramifications of fixing it. But even if she downloads the site through FTP, it won't change anything on the site, she'll just have it to store in a folder on her computer for future use.


Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage
*********************
“In a sense now, I am homeless. For the home, the place of refuge, solitude, love-where my husband lived-no longer exists.” Joyce Carolyn Oates, A Widow's Story
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Thanks guys! I did talk with my lawyer this morning and he seemed confident we could get WH to put the site back up (he has the password, PM, and it's registered to him as well) - and he said it was really a pretty poor-reflecting move on WH's part. So I don't feel worried, just still *annoyed* (and mind-boggled). I will check out that waybackmachine too though, thanks!

Yes, I was going to do work for trade for this guy (a shop owner). My lawyer has also advised me not to earn income yet. Supporting me to continue homeschooling is just not an option; he really doesn't make enough money to even come close to supporting two households. We were stretching things to make ends meet as things were. I would also feel more reluctant to continue homeschooling in what will be our new life situation - both for the kids and for me. I feel like all my choices these days are just choosing between rocks and hard places..


BW(me) + XWH - 36
3DS - now 10, 8, 6
Married 10 years
D-Day 10-5-07, lots of Plan B, etc.
Plan D --finalized 2-09

Remarried to wonderful man 1-1-11!
now 3 NEW bonuschildren: DD 4, DS 8&9

... ... ...
GOD IS GOOD.
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I feel like all my choices these days are just choosing between rocks and hard places..

I know exactly what you mean, P.


{{{{{{{{P}}}}}}}}}


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Hi P,

Glad you have such great help from PM and SMB. If any one knows how you feel, SMB is the one. (Hi SMB and tst!) (PM thanks for helping Bella/Loving, too.)

Still praying for you Phoenix.

Ace

[color:"red"] Edited to add: Just a heads up...your thread title may lock soon (if it hasn't already). You can still change your sub-titles, but the title that appears on the index will need a request to the mods to change after 60 days. [/color]


FWH/BW (me)57+ M:36+ yr.
4 D-Days: Jun-Nov 06 E/PA~OW#2 (OW#1 2000)
_Ace_ #1978201 01/25/08 09:46 AM
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Hey Phoenix,

How's it going this morning?

Ace

_Ace_ #1978202 01/25/08 03:49 PM
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hi Ace, thanks for checking in.
Today I guess I'm feeling *guilty* (about this whole PlanB - no WH in the house thing). I'm going to California tomorrow with a friend until Wednesday (really my first child-free trip in SEVEN YEARS). I'm excited about it; hoping I will get some refreshment there.

Anyway, various friends will take turns staying here and watching the boys while I'm gone, and this morning DS6 said to me, 'Oh, this will be great - Dad can spend time with us in the house this weekend since you'll be gone anyway.' To which I said 'no, he still can't come in the house' -- and tried to give a decent explanation, but it was tough. DS just looked sad, but backed off the topic. I've been feeling sad ever since..

I guess right now I'm just feeling like there is no hope that he will turn around. He seems completely far gone and committed to his 'new life of freedom'. Am I just hurting my kids by not letting them have occasional home-time with their dad until the D is final..?


BW(me) + XWH - 36
3DS - now 10, 8, 6
Married 10 years
D-Day 10-5-07, lots of Plan B, etc.
Plan D --finalized 2-09

Remarried to wonderful man 1-1-11!
now 3 NEW bonuschildren: DD 4, DS 8&9

... ... ...
GOD IS GOOD.
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