This is a consequence of HIS choice to leave his family. There won't be home visits once the divorce is final.

P, you are FIGHTING TO RESTORE your children's family. You have NOTHING to feel guilty about.





I am so excited for you! I pray you find some enjoyment and peace during your time away.






Good for you, sticking with your Plan!





I know how painful it is to see them hurting and missing him. But this is NOT your choice; it is his. By Plan Bing, you are giving him an opportunity to truly grasp what he is choosing. (althoug that is not the primary goal of Plan B).




{{{{{{{{{p}}}}}}}}}}

There are no words to take away feeling sad that your childre are hurting so.





There is always hope. But there is no guarantee.

You are helping your boys right now to adjust to life if your husband continues down his distructive path. They need removed from the drama as much as you do. Your WH isn't the man they know and love. He will babble to them as much as to you...justifying his cruel actions and twisting truth to do so.






No, you are not hurting them. HE is. He can end his A and come home right now.

You are not responsible for his relationship with his children. He is. You cannot take their pain away. Being with daddy at home every now and then will NOT take away their pain. But daddy getting defogged and choosing to return to his family where he belongs? Now that can take their pain away.

Your job is to comfort.

Stay strong! Stay the course. Stick to your Plan.

P, you are doing great. Don't get weary. Don't let him or satan wear you down. You are fighting the good fight. Remember that. There will be battle wounds and scars. THAT is NOT your fault. The responsibility of what he is doing to his family solely rests on him.

P, one last thought. Letting him into the home will mess with your head while you are away and when you return. Who knows what he will do while he is there. Home is YOUR safe haven. Letting him in there makes it an unsafe place.

Thanks, smb. This was helpful to me - especially the last few paragraphs. That really is why I'm doing it; not to be spiteful or malicious or anything like that. Still, it's just hard. Especially when it doesn't *seem* like it's doing any good in his mind anyway. But again, who can guess the mind of a wayward...

Awww, (gentle squeeze to your hand) Phoenix.

Please don't feel guilty about the Plan B and not allowing your H in the house. My understanding is that many states don't go for visits by the non-custodial parent in the custodial parent's home, unless the visits involve an infant...some states go to 2 yrs of age. And that guideline is only to protect the infant who can't process the change in environment. After 2 yrs, the states expect visitation outside of the custodial home.

Let me share this with you. When your WH visits in your home, the kids think their family is intact. During plan A, even though dad was out...he was still in. But now that legal proceedings and plan B are in place, the family isn't intact. This is something that your little ones will have to come to grips with.

If you were to let their father waltz in for visitation, then you would be doing those little ones a disservice. You would be allowing the new boundaries of the family to be blurred. And that's not healthy because kids will internalize the non-custodial parent's coming/going from the family home as something they are the cause of. It will break up their routines. Hurt their hearts when he leaves. And make them question why he isn't there.

So stay strong with the plan B. Maybe it will knock WH into reality.


I hope you have a great trip and come back refreshed. Enjoy the time away!

Jewel

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, you were hurting your kids by allowing your husband to come into your home. His ABUSE was hurting your MENTAL HEALTH and giving him the FIX he needed to go out and carry on his affair WITHOUT CONSEQUENCE as if nothing was WRONG. Just a nice, happy arrangement for him! YOU WERE HURTING YOUR KIDS BEFORE by allowing satan to drag you down into the same place your H is.

By disconnecting like this, you PROTECT YOUR MENTAL HEALTH, which is very much in your children's best interest. You are ALL THEY HAVE, phoenix. By removing yourself from his ASSAULT, you have a chance to recover your sanity and good judgement so that you will be able to make tough decisions with a CLEAR, SOUND MIND.

Please print up Dr. Harley's words the next time you question whether or not this is in your children's best interest:

phoenix, your sons should LEARN that when men commit adultery and abandon their families, they SHOULD NOT be welcome into their homes anymore. What a horrible message that sends to children. That teaches them there are no consequences.

Am so glad to hear you are getting away!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Absolutely.

You guys are great (as always). I will mentally mark this page and return to these posts when I those uncertainties creep up again. All of this was very helpful. I'm running so behind tonight - still need to go pack, but wanted to say T H A N K S. I will try to check back in once I get settled there.

How's it going, Phoenix?

Hi Phoenix,

Have you settled in? How are you? Looking forward to an update.

Ace

Hope you are doing well. Prayers are going up for you.

Hi guys .. thanks for checking in. I am here, I'm back safe and sound. The trip was really good for me (though it SNOWED in CALIFORNIA while I was there - what's up with that??!). I also think the medecine is kicking in now; no bad affects, just feeling like myself again. I can still cry, grieve, process, sense God, etc. -- I just feel more like myself. I think I had no idea how worn down I actually was. The biggest difference is that I'm not being pulled into a cycle of negative thoughts and exhaustion like I was. Much more control and the nightmares have stopped - what a praise.

The first day I was in CA, relaxing, laughing with my friend- I get a text from WH. It says, 'Have fun in Cali. You're a terrific writer!' (I was at a writing conference, which I had told my boys). I just stared at it, then started crying! What is up with that? Curious about your take on this..?

Hi P!

Glad you had a good time in California!

Ignore the text. You are in Plan B. He is just using a different approach to test your boundaries. The firmer you are, the better impact your Plan B has.

Perhaps he is beginning to question what the heck he is doing. Perhaps he and OW had a fight. Perhaps he just wants to manipulate you out of Plan B.

The why doesn't matter. Stick with Plan B. He KNOWS what he needs to do to get an admission ticket back into your life. Do nothing until he does what is necessary.


I pray this may be a sign that something in him is changing. But even if it is, stay the course. He knows what must be done.

Thanks SMB. It's good to hear these words. I will stay the course for sure, but it's good to be reinforced too. I can't begin to imagine how one thinks/lives in the situation WH is in right now..

I went to a Superbowl party tonight - lots of fun, all our friends - all couples. Does that ever get easier? Anyone who has made it through this? It's so hard to go from one to two - being joined as a couple for so many years, and then to go back to being only one. It seems like half of everything. I miss having someone to banter about the evening with on the way home, to catch up on the 'guys' conversations, to explain football to these little boys.. Does it really ever get easier?

When in doubt, read SMB/tst's thread(s) to get the inspiration you need. It does get easier, but it may get harder first.

Hang in there.

Ace

Thanks, Ace. It's hard because I know the amazing breakthrough they had, and that just doesn't seem to be on the horizon for me. I know it's hard to see what's going on in the wayward mind, but all signs seem to indicate a continued hardening of WH's heart, and I have truly done all I can do as I continue to sit in the 'dark' plan B. Is there a list anywhere of personal success threads? I'm sure I've seen one or two around, but maybe there are more?

Hi Phoenix,

Mark's musings thread has step by step directions to help with using the search functions.

I've asked Believer to post her personal recovery story on the Success Stories thread (it's linked to my sig line and has both personal and marital success stories)....also you might search for Faithfulwife CJ. And one who recently posted on the Recovery forum but does not post much (I've asked her to email me) is Neverthesame. Sorry I don't have any other ideas except for, of course, the miracle of SMB/tst, which is what it seems you should be focused on in your personal recovery. (As you take care of you, God will take care of WH).

Also, look for "Notable Posts" which used to be pinned to the top of GQII.

Gotta go to work now but I'll be praying for you.

Ace

Other ideas of posters with personal recovery stories to search for:

Weaver AKA Josie Jones
Resilient
Chrisner


There are more....keep seeking.

Ace

P, that was all I saw, too...until FWH emailed his apology letter to me. It knocked the breath out of me, because I was so NOT expecting it.

Right before that, he seemed at his craziest.







That is right. If your marriage ends, you will be able to walk away from it knowing that you did EVERYTHING you could do to keep your family together.


All you can do is step back and let God have His way with WH, but be sure to keep your boundaries intact. AND PRAY.

P, I still believe your WS is like tst, and I hold out hope that you will have the same miraculous recovery that I am living now. From what you have shared with me in your emails, I believe your situation is spiritual warfare. If that is the case, this isn't about ENs and LBs. It is about satan wanting to take down your family. When you see it in the spiritual realm, you can see how much bigger this is than "just" your marriage. Your prayers are so much more powerful than you know.

Someone from our church (that happens to be H's dad's cousin's wife <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />) who has studied a lot about spiritual warfare told me that because I was ONE FLESH with my H, my prayers were more powerful than I realized. She also told me that I was the pipeline holding my family together.
In God's eyes, you and your husband are one flesh.

My prayers were simple. I wrote them on my mirror and said them over and over daily: Protect him, Save him, Chase after him, Rescue him, Deliver him. Prayed that over and over and over, several times every day. I also chose verses that I would pray.

tst and I have been stirred in our souls with your story, as we BOTH have felt that your story parrallel's ours. I pray it continues to. tst continues to pray for your WH as well as you and your children (as do I).

Thanks guys. Believer -- I will look into those stories, thanks for thinking of them.

SMB - I appreciate your words and sentiments, and really agree with you. And yet, I don't know if that changes much for me? It IS a real war, and sometimes there are real casualties. It seems very much that WH has given up the good fight, and at some point I do think it is going to just be too late for us. Although I prayed so dilligently all year for him, I don't much anymore. It seems like I do the best by just thinking about him as little as possible, and it does not seem like my prayers have any impact whatsoever this year. This has been going on so long now, and nothing seems to have affected his choices; not moving out or exposure or excommunication or D .. nothing. I don't know how tst got out of 'the trap' and other's don't - I just don't see how there's anything more I can do to influence WH's choices.