It may look like nothing is happening, P, but you can't see in the spirit world how he is possibly being affected. Don't give up.


You can't control his choices, but you can control yours.....your self talk, your vision, your hope, your dreams, your perspective for you own life...with or without him. The best part of Plan B is that if you execute it successfully, from what I've seen on these forums, it's a win/win. You either recover yourself and your H defogs to recover your M with you....or you recover yourself and move on to a better life for your DD and you.

Look to tst for inspiration, not comparison. Keep looking up, P and your faith will grow stronger.

Were you able to find any of those stories?

Ace

You guys have been great about encouraging me not to think much about WH - mindset, how he's doing, what is or isn't going on around him. I think I've gotten a lot better with that, thankfully. But it's still hard - he seems pretty insulated at this point from anyone who would be showing him a real mirror.

But today, by 'chance', I got to hear a funny story about this. When WH had time with the boys this morning he took them to this big attraction in the city, the biggest draw being that Spiderman was going to make an appearance or do a show or something. Come to find out, they ran into one of my good friends there, along with her kids who wanted to all hang out. She called tonight and said it was horribly awkward for her and WH. But here is the funny part..

So they are standing together at this mysterious Spiderman show. Turns out to be this guy in SMcostume on stage doing an hour-long talk on CHARACTER. Which DS explained to me was all about the connection between CHARACTER, TRUST, RESPONSIBILITY and POWER.

My friend said it was crazy uncomfortable, standing there next to him, him knowing exactly what she was thinking. And after only about twenty minutes he told the boys they needed to leave and took off!

How crazy that even if WH is not in church or fellowship, God is still pursuing him through someone like Spiderman??? And even cooler that my friend was there, so I got to hear that it happened at all.

God is working, P.....don't even try to figure it out! That is soooo cool. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Thanks for sharing and hang in there.

Ace

Hey Phoenix,

How's it going?

Ace

Hey girl....what's happening?

Hope you're doing well....looking forward to an update.

Ace

You are very sweet Ace -- thanks. (sorry i missed your earlier post).

I'm hanging in there. I just had a really sad thing happen that has got me in a serous funk. WH took the boys to his parents (out-of-state) for the weekend, it's DS birthday no.7.. i was very close to ILs and miss them - I was sad to not be going but have also done some fun things this weekend and enjoyed the time to myself.

This morning I was having some God-time, and the phone rang. I didn't answer it, and the machine picked up. One of the boys must have gotten ahold of WH's phone and called here, but didn't know - so the machine is recording their morning-fun; laughing, eating waffles, playing.. I ran over and stopped the machine, but it has really got me down now. It just leaves me feeling heartbroken - and like somehow I did something wrong - since he's there and I'm here.. yuck.

Chin up - get out and do something fun. I know how hard it is to feel left out, but be thankful that your boys are still having their father in their lives. Often that doesn't happen.

Today is a day to do something for YOU!

thanks believer -- I DO have a massage scheduled for later today!
(a rare, and yet *favorite* treat for me!)

And honestly, I did have a great weekend. Went out to dinner with friends Friday night, had my hair colored yesterday, went to great poetry reading and art installation last night .. all stuff I love. I even have a meeting at church today that I'm really looking forward to about the arts and such..

And I did just spend some time thanking God that my kids are safe and loved right now - that I'm not worried about them, that they're having fun. You're totally correct, and I try to not lose sight of that..

I think that little message just jolted me a bit and stirred up some of the loss. At least now when that happens, I feel like it's more of a 'dip' than being sucked under for days at a time!

Hi Phoenix,

Glad you're gradually able to start seeing a bit of light down the dark tunnel. The dips will continue, but keep you eyes on the light...the good things you have to be grateful for....and you'll be able to endure....

Baby steps.

Focusing on what you can control.

Hope the kids continue to be safe and loved.

Still praying for you.

Ace

Thanks Ace! Good advice, as always. Today was DS-7 birthday.. it was nice. One of the things he wrote on his birthday wishlist was 'Date with Mom' - so I'm taking him somewhere fun just the two of us on Thursday.

WH has continued to stall the D in every way - and my lawyer is asking if I want to just keep waiting or if he should start trying to move WH along.. anybody have any thoughts? On one hand I'm still financially taken care of, but the mental/emotional stuck-ness is hard.. and his MO has certainly been to not do anything (by choice) that makes him have to face reality..

Oh, I think I would stall it, and just put hubby on the back burner. Continue making a good life for yourself, and maybe he will join you.

You're on a roll, Phoenix. Why turn back now? Let him stall...you just keep on keepin' on.

His reality might actually come full circle and hopefully he won't be too late to catch up with you.

Hope your DS7 and you have a wonderful date. Whatcha doin?

Ace

Phoenix,

I never posted to you before, but I read a part of your situation and I wanted to offer my help. I saw that you're a graphic designer and that your WH had turned off your portfolio website which was preventing you from finding work. Well your in luck! It so happens that I'm a webmaster. I operate 37 websites ranging in all kinds of different categories. I've been doing web development for 8 years so I know tons of things you could do to make extra money while still being able to be at home. Anyways, if you still need to get your portfolio site back online I could take care of it for you. Also, did you know there are a ton of freelance sites where you could get contract work to help make ends meet? I thought that was a really low thing for him to do to prevent you from earning a living and I wanted to see I could help you in that respect. If your interested, just send me an email to the address in my sig.

Want2Stay

Thanks, believer and ace. I guess I'm just wondering if there ever is a time where keeping that connection is doing me more emotional harm than good.. I don't see any sign whatsoever of things turning.. is it best for me to be able to move toward cutting ties then? Starting over, finding a jos, schools for kids, etc.. I'm trying to be grateful for the days I have right now - but still it's hard to sometimes feel like I'm just waiting around in the remains of a life that he's already left behind.

Thanks SO much W2S - I will email you about my sitch and we can talk more about that. I really appreciate your offer to help, I may need it.,.

P,

I agree 100% with Believer and Ace.

I kept wondering why my FWH wasn't filing and getting the ball moving. He kept telling me he wanted a quick dissolution, but he was pushing me to file and "get it done". My L and I agreed to just drag our feet and wait for the A to end. FWH even said to me a couple times, "I don't understand what the hold up is," and "I don't understand why your L isn't doing anything."

Time is your friend because most affairs end. (Wow! I made a rhyme).

Seriously, you've stuck with your plan for so long. Why not see it through? Remember, you want to be able to tell your children you did everything you possibly could.

I know that you have hit the place where you CAN envision your life without him; the place where it's hard to envision the two of you healing from this; the place where you aren't even sure if you WANT him home. That is a NORMAL place to be. BUT, keep the door open for God to work a miracle if He chooses. (same thing Ace told me just a few months ago).

Thanks SMB - you all seem agreed here. I am still keeping that door open for sure.. I guess there is something that I continually feel might be different in my sitch than others. I think there are almost two affairs; one with OW, and one with freedom. The freedom of being a bachelor again - all the time he wants for his art, music, clubbing etc. That is what I can't imagine him leaving now - more than the OW. Almost like she was a doorway out of 'family life' .

Eventually, he will see that the grass is not greener.

I believe he will (and maybe is already, hence the dragging his feet) start to see what he is missing out on.

And if he doesn't, you have lost nothing by waiting to give him that chance.

I do remember thinking that tst was over at his condo every evening just enjoying the quiet, clean atmosphere where he can do "his" thing. I pictured him just sitting back and propping his feet up in a recliner, pulling out his books he enjoys reading and having no annoying interruptions.

That wasn't really how it was for him, yanno.

Yeah .. that's kinda how I think too. It seems like I do best when not thinking about him at all though.

He gave DS a card for his birthday that was full of 'God-talk' and it just made me livid. Wish I could put that in the custody agreement - WS can not talk about God to the kids!

I reached that point as well. We got into a routine, and life started to move smoothly...until visitation with dad.





Sometimes, P, I am sure you have crawled into my head and are posting MY stuff.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

maybe i should give tst WH's phone number ..! boy would that throw him for a loop..