Yanno, one of my closest friend's had a friend who went through this. So when it happened to me, my friend connected me with her other friend. Their marriage is recovered and very happy.

She became a great support for me (another fellow homeschooler). Unknown to me, her husband, who had never met my husband, called tst and left a voicemail for him saying something like, "I've been where you are. If you want to talk, call me. There is a way out. I am praying for you and your family."

I learned about the call when tst told me of it after he defogged. That man is now one of tst's accountability partners. Life can be so cool, if you can get through the hot parts.

If you ever want tst to call, email me and I'll run it by him.


Kids are having a blast today. We unexpectantly got snow (several inches) last night, AND mommy is sick in bed with strep. Guess what their doing. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Hi SMB and P,

It WAS just a few months ago, wasn't it, SMB. Amazing, especially when you realize how far you've come.

I believe God can do the same miracle for you, P, as He did for SMB and tst...do NOT get impatient....rest in His promises....focus on what you can control and create that beautiful new you....just like your name!

Ace

What a true saying, smb..... (Get past the hot parts to a cool life!!!!)

How's it going, Phoenix?

Ace

You are such a dear to keep checking in, Ace.
Same old same old around here. WH is not moving forward, so far I'm still not pushing. I am feeling a bit stronger though. When he picked the boys up this morning I let them in and out (instead of a neighbor as previously) and it went fine. It didn't make me nervous, turn my stomach, or make me want to convince him of anything. I got my hair done last weekend, and the only thing he really said to me today was, 'wow - i really like your hair' :-)

How did your DS7 date go, P? What did you do?


Just curious, are you in Plan B? Was your neighbor unavailable? I'm glad your 'contact' didn't cause you distress as before, but I believe the other part of Plan B (if you're in it), is to remove yourself from all contact that can be controlled. If there was a sudden reason why your neighbor could not let them in, then that was beyond your control. But if not, it might signal the wrong thing to him and sabatoge your Plan B.

You're doing so well I would hate to see that happen.

I may be wrong, but I do care and I'm still praying for you.

Ace

Date with DS7 was lovely - had brunch at a fun place downtown!! He said it was his best birthday ever :-)

Yes - I'm definitely still in PlanB. I just was feeling that I can handle the once-a-week pickup by myself - I can pretty much just scoot the kids out the door when he arrives; he's not coming in the house and we're not conversing. It seems like a lot to ask my neighbors to keep coming over so early on a Saturday morning if I can handle that myself. I really don't think that is sabotaging anything; but again, I'm not really feeling any hope at this point that anything will affect him either way. He's just kind of 'gone'.

How's it going this weekend, Phoenix?

Are you able to successfully focus on your recovery, regardless what WH chooses to do?

Here's SMB's reminder again:


I hope you're in email contact with her or others. Email me if you want to vent but can't bring yourself to do so on your thread. I care....and I'm still praying for you.

Ace

Hi Ace .. I guess I'm wondering more about what I last posted - the questions about planB. Is it really worth it at this point? I can't even imagine what it would take for him to turn things around now.

I do feel like he's trying a bit to breakthrough again, and sometimes I feel really tempted to try again to get through TO him, but I haven't. He left me a message earlier this week saying he was doing the taxes, really needed to talk to me over the phone about it, could I please call him back - and I almost did on instinct, but then thought twice, and didn't. I used the intermediary to email him what he needed.

Then today when he dropped off the boys he saw me and could tell I was really sick. He got very sweet and said he'd do anything to help, come back and get the boys tomorrow, whatever. I just shook my head no. A few minutes then after he left I got an email from his Blackberry saying he would love to come back and get the car to go get the boys and I some movies, some orange juice, some dinner.. it took all I had to NOT respond. It's like he's offering me a fake version of the very thing I really want! And then it makes me wonder if he does actually care, if the real WH is still in their somewhere, not totally devoured by the alien. But I suppose, most likely, he was just wanting to ease some of his own guilt..

P,

Do you want your H back or a cake-eater?

Look at your Plan B letter. He knows the conditions for reconciliation. It seems that if you allow him to re-enter your life without meeting ALL of these conditions, you will have a cake-eater who will drain you and derail your Plan B.

I'm hoping Believer or Mimi or MF or someone with B experience will help you with this. Me?...I'll keep praying. If you don't hear from others, please email SMB/tst soon.

Ace

Sometimes God doesn't answer prayers the way that you think you want.

You are worthwhile. You need to do this to make yourself happy. You deserve to be happy. Lean on your friends and you will be ok.

Thanks Ace. Although I do feel like he's trying to do that (cake-eat) - since I didn't converse with him, let him in the house, or return his messages, he's not actually getting to, correct?

How long is PlanB supposed to go on? Until D papers are signed? It just seems pretty inevitable right now - doesn't seem like the plans have affected any change whatsoever..I know that sometimes miracles happen, but sometimes they don't..

Yes, I'm continuing on with my life. I have a good life, I'm thankful for many things. But I also still love WH, and some days I guess it just hurts.

phoenix, you are slowly, gradually allowing yourself to be lulled right back into his he11. What you are doing is giving him the FIX he needs to go back out and resume his affair another day. If he feels like he can have a small FIX every once and a while, then he doesn't have to worry about you and be content for a while longer in his affair.

Today it is nice little comments about your hair, tomorrow it will be full blown fog babble about the injustice of not allowing him the house. You are the frog in the water and the temperature is getting hotter and hotter, phoenix.

Stand back and stop this NOW. You are removing any motivation he might have to end his affair and endangering your mental health again by allowing him back into your life. You are the frog in the water, phoenix. Stop playing with fire, hon.

mel - I understand the second paragraph completely - could see that slide coming, is why I didn't respond to him. But if I didn't respond or converse with him, or let him in, how am I allowing him back in? Is it just from once a week seeing me for less than a minute?

wondering if i can really ask neighbors to come be the mediators endlessly, all for one little minute? like I said, I didn't respond to him..

and also wondering; is it ever possible that him briefly seeing me is not a fix but actually a motivation to want to come back to what he is missing here with us?

(and thanks for the encouragement, hicktownmommy!!)

phoenix, do you remember what you told him in your plan B letter? You gave him the steps he needed to take to come back into your life, ie: end his affair, etc. By allowing him to come back without meeting that condition, you are giving him the impression that you were not serious. You are forfeiting your credibility.

And if you won't take your boundaries seriously, neither will he. If he thinks he can have you and the OW, then he will pursue that, and will have no motivation to end his affair.

I see you engaging him. And I see him using this opportunity to engage you, which is exactly what he wants.

Ok, but how am I allowing back him? Are we talking about just seeing me for that minute? Because I really did feel like otherwise I was taking it seriously - not responding, etc.

And if so, how long does this go on for? Until a final D? There must come some time where I give up and just learn how to communicate and co-parent with him, correct?

Ok, I saw that, but that is why I did NOT engage.. are you saying it's more on a psychological level than physical maybe?

Am I just feeling sad because I *did* hear his words/contact, and really what he's offering me is scraps but it makes me want to hold onto it again, to believe it has any substance? Is it best just to stay in the dark where I believe he doesn't care about me, doesn't think about me.. am I getting close to the problem here? Is opening that door even for a minute letting myself be tempted by scraps?

I *am* actually really sick, so I am going to try and hit the sack right now - but will check back in the morning. thanks so much guys .. P.

He is engaging you, he has broken through, phoenix. And the purpose of plan B is to REMOVE you from his sphere entirely, to protect you from his abuse. It is to completely end any contact with him. He is pulling you back in. You will notice that your state of mind will immediately DARKEN again after this contact and can [will] throw you back into distress.

It also sends him a very contradictory message when you tell him NO CONTACT, but you allow him to freely contact you. You should not see him OR read him messages, phoenix. That is the purpose of Plan B.

1. When he picked the boys up this morning I let them in and out (instead of a neighbor as previously) and it went fine. It didn't make me nervous, turn my stomach, or make me want to convince him of anything. I got my hair done last weekend, and the only thing he really said to me today was, 'wow - i really like your hair' :-)


2. Then today when he dropped off the boys he saw me and could tell I was really sick. He got very sweet and said he'd do anything to help, come back and get the boys tomorrow, whatever.


3. A few minutes then after he left I got an email from his Blackberry saying he would love to come back and get the car to go get the boys and I some movies, some orange juice, some dinner..


4. He left me a message earlier this week saying he was doing the taxes, really needed to talk to me over the phone about it, could I please call him back - and I almost did on instinct