I'm a little concerned about a paragraph in a recent email from my WW after an argument over my frustration with her refusal to commit to recovery:She sent this to me after she left for work that morning. The only "look" I could have had on my face was one of utter despair and frustration, NOT one of getting ready to hit her or anything. I admit to occasionally losing my temper and lashing out verbally, but I've never taken it out physically on anyone, not even the family pet.

The physical harming part is what I have a major problem with. I have never, ever, physically hurt either of my kids outside of a controlled spanking, nor have I ever laid a finger on my WW in the 17 years we've been together. Why would she all of a sudden be concerned about me possibly getting physically abusive? I can't think of the term, but isn't there a psychological theory that states what people will falsely accuse others of, they're guilty of themselves? I'm wondering if this is a glimpse into the state of mind of my WW, that if I do anything drastic in response to her obstinance, that she'll actually try to hurt me.

She is wayward after all, so I don't know what she's capable of. She had already "broken up" with OM on d-day, and told me that she hated his guts and wanted him dead, so it was apparently a messy break up. She said she even knows some people who could probably "take care" of him. The scarey thing is, she does, as she "knows people that know people". Luckingly for the POS OM, he lives 1000 miles away.

Am I making too much of that email? Should I be concerned?

TIA

Maybe she's trying the reverse psychology tactic that so many WS's do. Trying to make you feel guilty even though you have done nothing wrong. If you are not a threat to your children and your own self I would say she is just trying to make you feel bad. But it does sound like she needs some serious counseling from a licensed counselor. She is probably really mixed up right now. And when you are that mixed up, alot of things are taken out of context and blown out of proportion.

I would get a notebook and document everything. Keep the emails, make note of any verbal arguments and the outcome, date, time etc... Once she see's this she will know she can't twist things to fit her version of events.

Good luck.

make no comment or defense to this dribble....

don't even acknowledge it
give it zero validity

ark

She is playing a psych game setting you up to fail. You should respond but very carefully. Something like:

WS,

Your rendition of yesterday's account is quite..... interesting to say the least. I have discussed this with the children and find that it was your face that scared them.

That being the case, why would you blame me for your actions? This is absurd. But if you insist on playing these senseless mind games, then we will make sure we all know this is what you are doing and going to be doing. How sad. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />


Sincerely,
BS and family.

You need to take positive action immediately. I have seen WS' set their BS and make phony domestic violence charges. My H's own younger sister did that to her own H and now the OM. Crazy broad. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> It has literally taken years for he family to finally see her manipulative ways. Years.... I was and continue to e steadfast against any A in our family.

Talk to your children. Get their POV. If you are not able, make sure you reassure your children of your love and support. Even very little ones will know who is sane vs the WS. Expose this charge to your personal support group. Continue to do so will lessen her advantage since your personal support group will be ready to represent you if needed.

In our case, there was an incident where I discovered contact AFTER recovery had started. This now made it false recovery and my decision was to remove the WS' things after he had been given sufficient time to do so himself. He knew the rules for staying with us. I was NOT about to enable the A in anyway, shape or form.

Anyways..... the WS decided to play stupid mind games and take me to the limit I asked him not to. The deadline came and no action. I then began to remove his things. This was NOT the 1st false recovery so I had no patience for packing his things (i.e. clothes, etc.) nicely. They went flying out on the front lawn (good suits, shirts, pants, etc.). WS became infuriated. How dare I touch his things.
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> I informed him he had been given adequate time and I was NOT about to play his stupid wait and see games. He wanted to see what I would do, he now had a front row seat. My son was in school so he was away from this confrontation.

WS started to call me crazy and insane. He thought by calling 911, I would be arrested for domestic violence. As he had the phone in 1 hand he was pushing me around with the other to stop me from throwing his things out. I will never forget that day.

As he was on the phone trying to convince the 911 dispatcher that I was insane, I yelled out.... 'stop pushing me, you are hurting me'. It was an accurate statement. Regardless of my pain threshold he was committing a domestic violence act.

So 4 CHP officers shortly arrived. They saw his clothes on the front porch and yard. One office took me aside to get my version and 2 took him aside. Another stood on standby to call backup if needed.

The officer immediately assessed things correctly. Now outside the WS was angry and getting belligerent seeing that I wasn't being arrested. He was ordered to pickup his belongings from the yard and porch and put them in his truck. He refused to do so. He began to cuss and even push one of the officers. That was NOT a good move. All the while, I was watching from the house....horrified at the events unrolling in on the sidewalk in front of the house. Not sure if the location mattered but that along with the fact that when the 1st 2 officers arrived, they witnessed the WS pushing me into the front door in an effort to get me back into the house. He wanted to get between me and neighborhood so I wouldn't yell for help. Scary? Yes..... watching the WS get arrested had me shaking and in tears.

The officer gave me the domestic abuse contact info and the WS spent 2 1/2 days as a guest of our local law enforcement. He said he felt violated. Hm...... he should.

I had BIL remove his truck away from our home. WS walked from the police station to get his truck and refused to call for a ride. All the while cursing me. It wasn't my fault he choose to act this way.

WS claimed he had no place to stay. The police had a 10 day RO against him and he couldn't return to our home. His BIL offered him a place but he refused. His mom offered him a place and he refused. His dad even offered. His choice was to go live with the OW. That didn't even last the balance of the 7 days. By day 10, he was crying on the phone begging to come home and the Ow was in the background screaming for me to take her. LOL!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> Howz that for an A? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

So the moral of the story is to know the WS is capable of setting up their own family with false charges. The BS needs to be prepared.

Read LMBT by Dr Dobson.

Hope this helps.
L.

I suspect your WW is doing one (or both) of the following:

Trying to set you up for false spousal abuse accusations.

and/or

Has noticed how upset the children are because of HER temporary inanity and wants to assure herself that YOU are the one upsetting the children. It's pretty common for the adulterous parent to expect the faithful parent to control the children's feelings and reactions, to somehow make the children accept the adultery, so the WS is 'protected' from evidence that the children have been negatively affected by their selfish, immoral choices.

(My WH told me it was my "job to tell them their feelings are wrong"!)

I agree 100% with Orchid.

This could be the beginning of her setting you up for false charges.
I would also make note in the communication to her that in your 17 years with her you have never raised a hand (and IF your wife has EVER STRUCK YOU this might be the time to mention it).
Something like this in addition to what Orchid noted above...

In our 17 years together as a family I have never raised a hand to you(and never will) so whatever you feel were seeing in my face was nothing more than a projection of your own emotions.

(Add if necessary to fit circumstances)In fact the only time there has been any domestic violence in our relationship, it has been you striking me. I hope you have that under control and are not feeling the need to lash out in that way ever again.


Be careful. This is a game that far too many women play and it can wind up coming back to haunt you if you do not take steps to protect yourself.

Thank you all, I was afraid that this should be taken more seriously, and I greatly appreciate you all validating this.