Hello

I have been married for 8 years, but have known my wife for 12. Our relationship and marriage was unstable. We conceived our children together prior to marriage. We got married during the pregnancy of our second child. My wife had a child from another relationship. I treat her like my own. Although significant, I will not get into our relationship history at this point. I will just get to the current situation. I had an affair with two women. One was during the process of seperation and the other was during the actual seperation(meaning I was actually out of the home). The first women I had stopped dating and she told me she was pregnant. She decided to have the child which was born about 2mths ago. The second women I started dating about 2mths after. She became pregant and also decided to have the child. I was seperated at this time and was planning for divorce. Especially when I found out these turn of events. I did not tell my wife about either situatian. My kids were having a hard time with the seperation and my wife wanted to consider discussing reconcilation. After 8mths I returned home. I then had to tell my wife about these other women. She was devastated, which I knew she would. This is a hard situation for anyone to handle. I do not want to be with these other women, but also do not know if I still want to be in a unhealth marriage either. I have not gotten paternity tests done as of yet, which I plan to do. I just have to get the financial resources. There are so many other elements to this situation. I just wanted to post this because I need guidance for the sake of keeping sanity for all involved, me, my wife, and my kids.....I know many that reads this will be appalled by this. I'm ashamed of myself but at the same time two children resulted from my indiscretions. The children are a blessing and as hard as it going to be, if paternity proves these children to be mine, I will do what I can for them. I will not undermine my children with my wife. I will conclude here because I can go on and on. My question is.......is divorce inevitable and should I end this suffering? My wife is in so much pain and hurt over this. We have had other problmes in our marriage that were not resolved and this has complicating things 1000x over. Any comments are welcomed. Thank you.

The choice to end the M is a choice. Some people have the guts to work through the pain and help the person they have hurt heal. To stand up for their vows and fight for the M. For the M that is healthy and works. Even if the M was respectful prior to your A's it is an extremely difficult and uphill challenge. You can do it. You have caused this damage and your help is required to fix it, for yourself, your wife, and your COM. The women you had the A's with and their children (OC) are not the primary focus. They will have to be dealt with. But protecting your COM is your first responsibility. Your cheated on your wife and on your COM. You failed to protect them from the consequences of your actions.

There is a lot you can do. It will take a lot of time and courage. You need to do the readings recommended on this site. I would strongly suggest a phone call to the Harley's. The money you spend on it with be well worth it in designing a path toward recovery. Recovery of yourself, your M, your family.
Start reading the books and information that is here. You may feel like someone swings a 2x4 sometimes. But sometimes the truth hurts and we don't want to see it.

The fact that you had separated when these pregnancies occurred really doesn't carry much weight here. The people that are recovering their M's here believe that as long as you are not Divorced you are M. Therefore, your actions with these two women while you were still M constitute A's.

FTS

Fled the state, I do agree with you and I appreciate your reply. I need to hear this.