I was recently told by my wife that she had an affair with my best friend. This happened "5 or 6" times over a 2 month period. I am willing to forgive her and work things out, but I have two major problems... Number 1, I am in Iraq so I can not be with her. Number 2, My EX best friend is telling my wife that he is in love with her and will not stop calling. I have 3 weeks until I get my R&R. My EX friend is horribily mad that she doesn't want the affair anymore and is using the fact that he has stuff at our house to make contact with my wife. He tells her that we can NEVER fix this and is trying to tear us apart. A restraining order is in the works, but how do I try to fix our marriage being so far away? (Unfortunatly, comming home is not an option) I have 8 more months. Im hurting bad from this but Im trying to keep a postive attitude with my wife but this hurts, and there isn't anyone that can help here. I know this may be odd, please tell me if Im nuts, but this is like a burn and my wife is the ice water that makes the burn stop. Talking to her on the phone is the only thing that makes me feel better (even though she was the one that did it). Please help me. I Love her with all my heart, and she has told me how bad she messed up. I know she regrets this.
This is the story as to answer as many questions as I can.
My wife and I agreed before I left that she would not have any men around if NO ONE ele was at th house. We have 3 kids so that should not have been a problem. All went well until the end of year 1 over here. Then My best friend quit his job and started comming over until all hours of the night. My Wife and I got into a nasty fight about this. Now my best friend already knew things that i had told him but he made things up to help get my wife. (She told the stuff he told her).
Well she allowed him to move in after his parents kicked him out because they hate him. We got into another fight over this, but my wife told me that she refuses to let a friend live on the streets. Tehn to top it off, we got in a fight and she decided that she was not going to be told what to do so she allowed him to move against my wishes. We didnt get along for the last 4 months because he was there. About 2 weeks ago she told me that she was kicking him out and wanted to work on OUR marriage. Things got better fast until a few days agao, she told that she did the one thing that I told her I would leave her for. An AFFAIR. It happened "5 or 6" times over a few months. She kicked him out because she realised that was not what she wanted and she feels so bad. She has agreed to do whatever it takes to repair the marriage. Even counseling. She was crying very badly when she told me. Now the EX- best friend is trying to do what he can to split us up. He says hes in love with her. She is completely eliminating him for our lives but he still has things at our houe so he is using tat to make contact. She is blocking his phone and has told him never to contact any of us again. (I really want to beat him, but she asked me not to, so I won't) He is nw telling all of her friends what happened and its killing her. This is Day 5 since i found out and I am willing to try again. I do love her.
What should I be doing to work on our marriage from so far away?

Im sorry about the spelling in my post but this laptop misses alot of key strokes. I should have proof read before I posted but I was typing faster than I was thinking. Im not a complete idiot, just... well... Lost in thought I guess.

I'm very sorry that a serviceman such as yourself has to be going through this pain and anguish, especially while you are deployed in defense of our liberties.

As bad as an affair is, you seem to be in a pretty good position since your wife has come clean to you about the affair. That should be enough to prove that she is interested in repairing the damage she caused. Furthermore, your ex best friend is doing a LOT of "love busting" now with his behavior, so you can have much less concern that the affair will reignate. Your Plan A will stand out in even greater contrast to his volatile actions.

That being said, your wife needs to start reading the basic concepts linked from the menu bar at the top of the page. She is very guilty of exhibiting independent behaviors that are in direct violation of her duty to protect you and the marriage. She should NEVER have allowed another man to move into your house while you were deployed, let alone done it against your will. Since you are probably getting tax-free money right now, I'd recommend paying to get your wife into phone counseling with one of the Harleys. It will probably be hard for you to participate in that, but you can get her started on the introspection she needs to do to figure out how she failed to protect your marriage.

The next important thing to do is to remove OM from your lives completely. I know your wife is "trying" but she needs to be absolutely relentless. She should file a restraining order immediately due to his continual harassment. Then she should box all of his stuff up and have someone you trust drop it off at his parents house. He can pick it up there. If he is in the military, contact his command and inform them of what he is doing. Don't pull any punches.

Since you have another 8 months or so overseas, I'd say just stay in Plan A. Get her to start counseling with one of the Harleys, and let her talk to you about what they have been discussing. Do as much as you can to be a good, understanding man, but with clearly defined boundaries, until you can start working on this in person.

Oh and if he is trying to drive you two apart by telling her that she can't fix things with you now, make sure you counter that by talking to her about your plan for recovery and how the two of you can get through this. Then find out why she is still talking to this guy at all for him to be able to say these things. If he tries again after the restraining order, have him arrested.

Good luck.

Lost,

I have asked one of our longtime MB's to come over and check out your thread. His name is RIF. He is also in Iraq right now. I'm sure that once he see's the post I left him that he will be over here. First you need to breath and stay safe, okay? Do you have some time to read some of the information posted here? Read, and breathe, Don't worry about your spelling but you need to get those emotions under some control so that you can think.

Stay in touch and read and RIF will be here shortly.

FTS

You're in a good position in the sense that your WW wants to fix things and reconcile.

She made some mistakes out of being very naive. We're all human and she thought she was doing someone some good.

You have 3 little ones to think of, so forgiveness is something to at least try.

Follow what Andrew says. He gives you very good advice and it is a plan until you return.

I'm very sorry you're in this position. I would have been a wreck if I had known what was happening at home while I was gone. I was in your shoes, but oblivious until I got home. My WW didn't want to work on things.

Believe me, you're lucky. You don't believe it, but you are. It's an unfortunate thing, but it can lead to a huge improvement in your marriage.

My guess is that the long separations have taken their toll.

Regardless, some repair work needs to be done. Keep your chin up and follow the advice Andrew gave you.

Thank you all so much. This really hard and hearing others tell me that things can be ok is a great thing. Its so odd because I feel like I have to talk to my wife as often as possible. Its the only thing that makes me feel better. I am on this site almost whenever I im not talking to her. Thank you so much.

I think RIF is offline this week (based on his post on another thread)...so it may be a few days.

Hi LIT,

Welcome to MB! I sure am sorry to hear that you're having to deal with this while you're deployed. First off, thank you for your service! Please try to keep your mind focused on your mission... I know it's hard, but it won't do your three kids any good if you lose your focus and get killed.

I agree with the other posters that it's a good sign that your W confessed the A to you. Does your W live on base? If so, then keeping him out of the house should be fairly simple... If he's a fellow soldier, then you definitely need to expose this to your CofC and ask them to expose the A to his CofC... I'd also talk with your unit Chaplain and get his help.

Read up on Plan-A. I know it's hard to do, but for now, I'd really try to limit the relationship discissions as much as possible. This goes for phone and e-mail and IM contact with your W. The intent here is to keep your conversations as light and up-beat as possible because it's so easy to mis-read an e-mail or tone of voice. Talk about your kids... talk about what she's doing with the house...

If she wants to bring up the relationship stuff, just tell her that you love her and that you are working on being a better husband.

Now, for your upcoming R&R... I'd use this time to put any legal restraints on the OM that you can. I would NOT go beat him up... that will just get you into more trouble. I'd also expose the A to the OM's parents and anyone else that you think might be able to help you.

Stay focused on your mission... read up on Plan-A... limit your Relationship Talks... and then expose the A and put legal restraints on the OM on your R&R....

If your W is willing to start counseling, then I'd definitely consider giving the Harley's a call... they can help guide her as you both work through this.

Semper Fi,

RIF

(I'm a former Marine, but I'm in the Army and on my second tour in Afghanistan...)

RIF,
Thank you for your thoughts. Unfortunatly, We don't live on base and he isn't in the military. He can hardly keep a job let alone one that would require ANY sort of morals or displine. I am keeping as up beat as I can and I really do enjoy spending as much time on the phone with her as I can. I guess you already know how hard that can be here. But I find the time. Im not sure what to write because I am not sure what Im thinking right now. Kinda odd. I love to talk and now I can't. I know I just have to take it one day at a time.

Hi LIT,

First, thank you for your service.

My son is a Marine and came back from Fallujah last Spring. I was rather involved with the home support teams during the deployment and I was truely shocked at how often affairs occured while our men where gone. I remember one of the family day meetings just before they left, where some Major really pushed hard for the family at home to not distract or harm their marine while in theater. He basically "ordered " us to behave! If this offers any hope, many of these marriages and relationships are getting back on track. Military life is hard on families.

It is VERY hopeful that your WW has confessed, shows remorse and is trying to stop contact. Is she on base so she can get help with keeping him away?

Keep reading here about plan A, keep in contact with her as much as possible. Most of all, keep your focus while you are out there and wait to worry about your marriage until you are in the rear. Your family needs you back home!

Take good care of yourself and follow the plan.

Hey LIT, we cross posted. She needs to get all of his stuff out of the house so he has no excuses to contact her. What has she been able to do about that? Also, has she looked into a restraining order to keep him away?

What about exposure? Has anyone in his family been told about this affair?

LIT,
Sorry about your sitch...you are NOT alone!

2 avenues of attack: As RIF suggests, you CAN plan A long distance...he's got much experience in this area, God bless him!

The other is to continue to do what you can long distance to help spouse protect herself from further harassment. Along w/ Chaplain, I recommend having her contact the command Ombudsman - they can usually provide some emotional support and help steer her to the proper professionals who can help her case.

Get that restraining order and suggest to your wife she tells all those who CAN support her the truth of the situation. This will be difficult due to stigma attached to having an affair. She's probably mortified at having fallen - rightfully so, but right now she needs help and support.

LIT, you're ALREADY ahead of the power curve as she's decided to end the thing... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Keep your head down, my friend.

LIT...all I can say is that you are way ahead of many of us here...your wife seems to be on side with you, and your marriage. That is such a huge benefit to you!

As far as the the slime that used to be your best friend, I would suggest that you call your wife, and call some of your friends (local ones) to get all of this snake's stuff, and put it at the side of the road.....then someone can call him to pick it up, or it will be dealt with by the local garbage collectors...with any luck, they will pick him up too!

Be good, be safe, and best of luck from your friends in Canada!

Ron

Sorry this happened to you. The days after D-day are horrible, and we know how you feel.

My ex had an affair with our neighbor that began while he was in Iraq. She is back with her husband again and they are making a go of it.

Keep reading and posting here. It sounds like your wife is a good person that just made some very stupid mistakes.

Also, be sure to let his parents know about the affair.

And your wife needs to box up his things and have a friend or taxi deliver them to his house or parents house. They should have no contact ever again for any reason.

She can also write a no contact letter to him, which she sends to you first, and you send to him. It should say the affair was a HUGE mistake, that she loves you and will be working on the marriage, and wants no contact with him ever again for any reason.

Im not sure that His parents would care. They really do not like him. So it wouldn't be any skin off his nose if he ever talked to them anyway. We do not live on base so we have to go through the normal civilian chains to resolve this issue. She says that she has not seen or heard from him in several days. She thinks he has the picture not to communicate with us again. If he does, I will make she that she knows, NO MORE. Thank You everyone for the suport. I never thought that an affair could be so painful.

Not only painful, but the pain lasts for a long time. And she won't understand how much she hurt you.

The best thing is to expose the affair, so folks know what a low life he is.

And she really needs to write a no contact letter so it is all in writing. That is the least she can do.

Hey LIT,

Just checking in with you to see how you're doing this evening...

I've got a few things to wrap up this evening, but I'll check back later...

Semper Fi,

RIF

RIF,

Its good to hear from you. Its now day 7. I am still hanging in there. I think things are going to work out. SHe has had ZERO contact with the OM but it's still really hard. Im wondering how long it takes before I stop thinking of the A every time I think about her. How long will it take before sex will become normal? I mean, Im not even home yet but I want to be able to be with my wife when I go home. It should be about 4 weeks since I found out once I get home. Will it be ok???
RIF, Take care of yourself In Afghanistan.

It takes a long time to feel normal again - around 2 years. And men especially have problems with movies in their mind during sex. But things WILL get better, and your goal needs to be to have a better marriage than before.

Hi LIT,

Your desire to be with your W is very 'normal'. And there is nothing wrong with your feelings. I would recommend that you ask your W to have a full battery of STD tests run just to be safe. There's no sense in endangering your health.

For me, the desire to re-connect physically with Mrs. RIF after I found out about her "first" A, was a desire on my part to "reclaim" what was lost. Again, I strongly recommend a full STD test.

I'm sure that you'll get the "don't beat your wife" briefing before you go on R&R... Pay attention to what the Chaplain has to say. I would also suggest that you go talk with your Chaplain before you go on R&R and explain your situation to him.

There's nothing to be embarrassed about, and it's his job to help through this situation.

Be prepared for a swing in your feelings. When I first found out, I went from loving Mrs. RIF to "hating" her within hours of each other... When this happens, and I can almost assure you that it will, you need to stop and remind yourself that even as bad as it hurts, your W has given you a tremendous gift by confessing the A.

If you get to a point where you are so angry that you think you're going to explode, find a good male friend that you can talk with, or come here and vent your anger. I know it will be hard, but please try to NOT direct your anger at your W.

I'm leaving on R&R in a couple of weeks so I won't be on as much as I am now, but I will check in periodically to see how you're doing.

Hang in there and stay focused on your mission.

Semper Fi,

RIF