Even if another man HAD contributed a sperm cell to the mother's egg, fasttrack is their father. Their only father. Period. The sperm cell is long gone.

Thanks LoBoy. That really reminds me what I am fighting for and is just what I needed.

I told her last night I was fighting for my family and for my kids because they can't fight for themselves. This is when she was asking me why I couldn't accept the fact that she was leaving.

I am a child of D and I never really stopped wondering what I could have done to change things to make it all better. Often I did blame myself (I was 9 at the time of D). I have always said my children would never have to go through what I did. Hard to believe I am now in that situation.

ft, what are you going to do about it?

Be quick about getting yur primary guardianship set up with an attorney. Be very quick before she comes back to her senses. This should show you how far skewed her thinking is. I'm bettin' she would have killed for those kids before
the OM arrived on the scene.

And this is just me, I would call up this jacka$$ and tell him you won't go down easy. Don't ask him anything, just tell him to get out of you lives. He's a trespasser and a thief of your kid's mother. He's a jerk and probably won't even say anything back to you. Make her more trouble than she's worth to him.

ML,

I plan on contacting an attorney right now and see if I can secure primary custody. I will continue to fight for my family and do all I can. I am still working on the Plan A basis. Not sure how that will work when she is out of the house?

Most likely she will be out of the house when I get out of work. I think she was looking at apartments last night. WW is already making changes to joint account and bills etc. This has been in the works for a while because she has really been paying of some outstanding debts we had. She also started a new account with a nice bonus check(that she thinks I don't know about) she got last month. And she has one more commision check from her last job that will help her.

Financially she is in better shape then me but I have always put everything I made into the family. I never held back a check even the ones she wouldn't have known about.

Got some info from my employer, they offer some free counseling service. I am worried about the kids and I am thinking it would be good? Probably will be good for me also. I need to talk to conselors and see what they can offer. If not I will try and set something up myself with an independent counselor. I have never seen one so not sure. I have always held my feelings in so this is all un-charted territory for me.

Just because she says she hates you etc. and that OM is 'the one' she should have always been with it is not necessarily a forever reality. She is stuck in a fantasy from her high school days...dwelling in a past that had no responsibilities...only fun.

Her unhappiness in her marriage has fostered her ability to fantasize that the OM is and has been 'the one'. She is in la la land about that. She really doesn't know the OM as an adult person...it has been 14 yrs. Her bubble could burst sooner rather than later with a dose of reality.

It is possible that she will realize at some point that she really loved you all along. Especially if you use the tools you can learn from Marriage Builders and make real changes in yourself to be a better you so that you can be the husband she has always desired you to be.

If you want to secure custody you can do what you can to get that is writing (or even go so far as divorce, depending on your particular state laws). That doesn't mean it has to be the end of any future marriage with your WW. Affairs usually run their course within a couple of years.

I am sorry you are having experience this pain. Many of us have found ourselves in variations of the same. What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger. Amazing the growth that can happen through painful, difficult situations.

Trix,

I have no doubt MB will help me become a better H and person. I know it has changed my relationship with my children. As much as I dislike the current situation I am thankful because it has made me evaluate my life up to this point. There is no doubt everyone will benefit with the knowledge I gain from all the wonderful people here and the books I am reading.

I wish I would have found MB 14 years ago.

ft, when will the fight START? Because I don't see any action here. Counseling is cute and all, but there are much bigger things to be dealt with here.

I would secure your finances NOW before she plunders your money to finance her affair.

Are you planning on doing anything to save your marriage, such as exposure?And finding out who this guy is? Or are you planning on continuing to ENABLE HER WITH YOUR SILENCE?

She is counting on you bending over and quietly taking it while she destroys your marriage and family. Are you going to HELP HER in that regard or are you going to MAN UP and start defending your family from her assault?

What about speaking to your son? Your W is screwing with his mind to rationalize her affair and you are allowing her to do this to that boy. She is brainwashing this child into thinking that it is lovely and cute for her to destroy his family and I assure you he is sitting there wondering WHAT IS WRONG WITH HIS HEAD THAT IT DOESN'T SEEM THAT WAY TO HIM.

Kids sense RIGHT FROM WRONG and when adults don't validate those feelings, kids DOUBT THEIR OWN INSTINCTS AND BEGIN TO THINK THERE IS SOMETHING WRONG WITH THEM. She is tellng him that adultery and abandonment are GOOD THINGS and he knows this is WRONG. He needs your moral guidance NOW. He needs to be told about her affair and told that adultery is wrong and immoral. He needs to know that your W is doing a terrible thing to his family so he can be validated. She is confusing him morally.

Is she removing furniture, money or children from your house as she moves out?

Trix I have mentioned what she remembers was without all of lifes real problems and responsibilities and she just told me I don't understand her feelings and noone does.

Her mom and her dad have married and D 3 times and can't get the relationship to work. He has been an alcoholic his entire life. Her mom has been married 6 or 7 times and when I last talked to her mom she told me she was considering leaving her current H to go back to WW's father because she still loves him. There is not a lot of stability in marriages in her family. Her mom tells her how unhappy she is and has always been. She told WW that her mom was unhappy in her 61 year marriage and her great grandma before that was misreable.

Her sisters and brothers are divorced several times. Her youngest sister is not happy and has mentioned divorce. WW tells me she is always comparing our relationship to other peoples. Not sure what she means.

I asked her that maybe we should try and learn what makes us unhappy ALA MB to prevent the same thing. WW is not interested...

Let me explain the benefits of exposure, ft. Dr. Harley calls exposure the equivalent of chemotherapy on cancer. Affairs thrive on secrecy and a strong element of fantasy. When they are exposed, the affairees are forced to see how sleazy they look through the eyes of others. Suddenly the affair doesn't look so pretty when others are looking at you with disgust and you are suddenly not welcomed in MANY circles. It isn't so pretty when you realize that your parents will not allow you to bring your affair partner home or that you are not welcome around his family; or that your affair is so sleazy that you can't even bring your children around your affair partner.

Exposure is the equivalent of turning on the lights in the crack house and bringing in a crowd of people. It is no fun to get high when others are watching with disgust on their faces.

This is why exposure is the most potent weapon you have at your disposal. It is ruinous to affairs. It is the most powerful weapon you possess as it has the ability to cause huge conflict in affair land. It may not kill the affair today [although we have had affairs end the same day they were exposed] but it will hasten its death and it will cause massive conflict in the affair.

ft, the affair needs to be exposed NOW. In a strategic, methodical manner that effects a tsunami. It needs to be exposed to her family, the OM's family, your family, siblings, etc. I would add her sisters husband to this list since it seems her sister is aiding her affair.

You have much opportunity here but you must take it while the getting is good. if you wait on this, you will have lost leverage, because she will be saying next week that she started dating after she moved out. And who knows, your exposure might even slow down her hurry to move out.

Where is she moving TO?

ML,

Thank you! I will defiantely talk to the kids when I get home.

Exposure with her family is not going to do much good I think. But I will continue with it. I will do it with my family and friends today as I have not done it yet. I have spoke to one of her good friends about it. I know her other friend is telling her it is all about family but wife mentioned last night that that friend didn't understand her feelings.

I will contact her sister because she is the one that gave OM my WW's contact info according to WW. I want to see if she wiil give me his contact info. Not sure how to approach her on this.

Just got off phone with sister she won't give up the number. I have the name it is her sisters husband cousin.

I still don't have anything to prove PA only and EA. Do I still expose as a EA?

If you have his name, go to Bigfoot Directories or Zabasearch
and put in his name and state, city if you have it. It gives
names, phone numbers, relatives in his home.

Don't let it throw you if you find a group of family members. Waywards lies about the marital status of their
"buddies", GF

Call up her mother and dad and tell them your W's sister is participating in hiding this affair. Expose to them too! Tell them all the lies your W has been telling them and ASK FOR THEIR HELP. It is real important that you ask for their help in saving your marriage and family for the sake of your kids. She is already scared you will call them for good reason.

Also call the sisters H and tell him what is going on at your end and tell him you know about the affair. Ask for explanation.

You will also want to call the OM's PARENTS and wife, if any. Do you know his name and his state? It will be fairly easy to get his phone # and call his house to see if a wife answers. [disguise your # and don't leave a message] You can also hire a PI - we know a fairly cheap one - who can get background info on him.



Ask her for her HELP. Tell her you are trying to save your marriage.

This is an AFFAIR. that is all you have to say: THEY ARE HAVING AN ADULTEROUS AFFAIR.

Can you get the cousins name and expose to your BILs' side of the family? Can you get the BIL's parents name and #?

Started exposing and I am feeling like the bad guy.Called one friend that had called me asking about WW and I mentioned A to her then(about 4 days ago).She had called me asking about WW because WW would not return any calls. Now WW called her and of course is denying A.

I have a feeling WW might have been at freinds house when I called. This is her best friend. She did not talk to me the way she did 4 days ago.

Feelings are not truth. It is bad to have an affair, not bad to EXPOSE an affair. If you are going to expose the affair, do it right, ft. Don't do a little easy, safe one here and a little easy safe one the next week. That has the effect of bringing a pea shooter to a fun fight and will achieve nothing except getting your [censored] shot off. It is just enough to inflict no harm, but just enough to piss off the affairees.

If you are going to stand up to the affair, sit down and start calling all these people one after another. That will create a TSUNAMI effect from which they can't quickly recover. If you are going to tick off your W, then get your money's worth!

Exposure is definately causing a Tsunami. Wife called me and is not happy. She says I should not be telling everyone our problems. WW's sister called her saying I was looking for OM phone#. Now she thinks I have exposed to some people I haven't even exposed to i.e. neighbors etc.

She still denies everytihng and is furious saying what I am doing is pushing her farther away. Thinks I am trying to turn everone against her.

I was able to talk to my son today. I told him that I am still doing all I can to work things out and I know his mom does not agree. She is telling the kids I am mad at her. Son confirmed that she told him she has feelings for OM. I have not had a chance to talk to the 5YO. I will talk to her tonight.

ft, it is not causing a TsUNAMI if you have only called her sister. That is a spittle in the wind. Have you exposed to her parents? The OM's parents? Other key targets?


Did the TRUTH ever enter into the conversation? The point of this discussion is to tell him the TRUTH and that his mother is WRONG for committing adultery. Your son needs moral guidance right now and much, much more than you are just working on things.

ft, you are bringing a sling shot to a gun shot and it is going to take much, much more than this to have an effect. Half measures will avail you absolutely nothing.