My first post was back in march/april 07. I can't seem to trace it. backgroud: M20yrs, DD19,DS17,DD13
I pray and hope someone can help me out there..
Here's a short info on my predicament. Found outin march07 H was having EA with a colleague.Became PA in May07. Exposed to sister and his Office HR and another coworker. Started Plan A July.He never admitted to PA but instead he said he went to prostitutes when I asked about viagra in his bag. That was bulls***t!! never believed him. back in June he want out of the marriage listing 101 thing that i'v done wrong in the past.Had been a very humiliating and pain six months. I think plan A worked, I thought as he had reduced calls and text messages to OW.
Then a bombshell, 3 weeks ago I notice his flirtatious text msg to another woman. he said a customer of his. I played on with his lies.From the text msg they had been out once till 2am. In the last text, they were planning to taking relationship to another level, their exact words!! and many late nite calls too lasting for an hour 20 mins.

Today he went back to the city.(work n stays there weekdays , home at weekedns) Last weekend was very tense, we had some arguements on money.LB everywhere. Sensing that bad feeling, I called his office. was told he is on leave for 2 days. checked his whereabouts on GPRS, he's at the apt. He's not answering his phone.
I know its no proof that he is with OW. but he was certainly hiding something. refused sex all weekend. He never did throughout the last few months. He was very withdrawn.
WHAT DO I DO NOW? PROCEED PLAN B? I am v afraid of taking that step, he might never come back. He's a very resistant and determined man.
Right now, I feel vv hurt and ANGRY. he has been cleaning up his PHONE inbox regularly this weekend, BUT NOT BEFORE I READ THE LAST TEXT MSG, she said she's suffocating,not being able to contact him during the weekend.

After I called his office I wanted to call him up right away and blast him. BY some intervention, here I am!! Should I do that??? Confront the beast and get things over and done with. I am very tired of working on M now....throw in the towel may be the way. PLEASE ADVISE ANYoNE, URGENTLY.

Ok so are you done with plan A. Need to know b4 you can execute a good plan B.

T/d a good plan B your mind and heart must be in sync. Exposure needs to be done again. You need to id your personal and M boundaries. One of them should include he change his work schedule so he is not out of town so much. He is a WS and NOT to be trusted, so when he throw out that 'you are trying to control me'..... you can answer YES!! I need to because you are not trustworthy!

Pray for a clear mind, calm heart and lots of patience. Have you finished reading SAA, HNHN & LMBT? Read them.

Who is your MC? Is he/she familiar with MB concepts?

If you don't have a good MC, finish your reading and call Steve for a plan.

Secure your finances and check out your D options. Is adultery a grounds for D in your area? Know your options.

Notify your personal support group they need to be on standby. Prepare them for contact from the WS.

Do a complete background check on the OW.

Do not give up..... too early. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

take care,
L.

Before you go to Plan B, is it at all possible to surprise him with a trip to the city to stay with him for the work week?

This could serve many purposes:

Allow you to extend Plan A for that last good effort before going to Plan B.

It will infuriate the OW and encourage her to put even more pressure on your WH and behave even more controlling with him. If she is ALREADY complaining to him about spending 2 days per week with his wife (weekends) and 'only' 5 days per week with her, she is probably some whacko! It won't take much to push her over the edge and for your WH to start to see she is scary demanding.

It will give you the opportunity to maybe catch them together. Then you won't have to reveal that your evidence so far came from his text messages...so you can continue to monitor his text messages.

Plan B takes some planning. You want to be sure to do a good, dark one. Secure your finances, and be certain there is NOTHING that you need to contact him for. Then get your letter ready and post it here.

Orchid, meremortal and believer,

Thanks all. Plan A, I can't say the last couple of weeks was going well. I snapped , whenever provoked..

He called me earlier to regarding hotel reservations for this weekend to spend with eldest daughter at college, a two and half hrs drive away.told him everything's been arranged. Then, I asked whether he was in the office(which I knew he wasn't) but he just asked me why am I asking. I just said its late and you should go back home to rest.
I've not read SAA . Not been able to get it in this country. Calling Steve Harley would be very expensive. Hopefully I could be guided throgh MB site.I've not finished HNHN yet.
My finances would be a problem for me and the kids as I have depended on him for so long. Anyway I do have some reserves but that was for retirement.
ABout new OW ,she lives in another state but does come over for business and now certainly for pleasure!. From their text exchanges, there has been mention of her picking up her husband and going out for dinner. She said she has 3 kids of the same age as ours. I gather she is still married. I do know she is a high ranking manager for a multi-national company and travels a lot. I believe ,her position and jet set schedules must have attracted WH in the first place.

I've told WH's sister about new OW. told her, I can't keep up with humiliation anymore. Warned her that I would Plan B very soon.
To be honest I am afraid of taking this step. he has asked for separation so many times before that he might just say thank you to my plan B letter. I really can't imagine that someone you shared your life with for 20 over years will oneday be a stranger.
can anyone direct me to a good /sample Plan B letter on this site??

SAA - check out Amazon or Ebay?!?!?!

Thank you, Orchid. I'll check them out.

WH did not go to work today. I have been checking his whreaboutts. OW is certainly with him. don't know which one. my guess is OW#2. I think he sensed that I do know. He never replied my txt msg, about his day, or whether he's in the office or not. He simply called back and asked me what's up.

Spoke to WH on the phone earlier. told about plans for the Xmas hols. I said that the children and I will be returning to our home state 18-25th dec. and i asked whther he will be joining us? he said I'm not sure if I want to. that it really hurts. I decided if he does not join us for the holiday,( will be the first x'mas without him) then I will no longer prolong this pain. Plan B will have to commence after Xmas.I would not want to spoil the children's Christmas.
It seems getting back our lives together seems to go further and furthe away.I'm in desperate need of hope here. thanks all.

WH called a few mins ago. Really MAD. (local time 10.00am)

He found out I did not tell him the actual cost of our plane tickets(for children n I) to home state.and said thatI made reservations only after I told him I had done so. Anyway, I explained to him that I had tried making the reservation online the day before but could Not get it through. I didn't tell him the truth to avoid him getting all worked up /upset.and further confrontations

I know , major LB.
I should have told him the truth and face the wrath earlier on.. so he went on and on about my being a liar and I prefer to make plans with my brother rather then him first. (my brother had invited us to visit him in India this Xmas.) I briefly mentioned that to WH last nite and told him that I talked in passing to DS whether he preferred to spend xmas in India. DS prefers to visit my mother. anyway after cost evaluations and know WH would never agree to the idea, I did not pursue the plans.
Mad like ******, I asked how he knew about the reservations, did u check my emails?. He said the bank/credit card co) called him. He said he does not check on me UNLIKE me(BS) who hires PI to check him. (truth I did early this year when he was with OW#1. Never done it since!!)
Told him there isn't any need for you to!!!. I hope that hit the heart cord there. He went on: 'what else is there that i need to know?'. I just answered: what do you want to know?.
he said goodbye curtly and hung up.
Should I have told him I knew he spent all day n nite with OW in a hotel? and he had just sent her to the airport 2hrs ago?

God, I don't think I am handling it right!! I only wish to see some light ahead. I'm treading the weekend. I hope fellow MBs you can guide me.

after our argument this morning, I have been thinking 'is this the end? will he be asking for the D this weekend?'. My brain is bursting. Not been able to think right. I feel as if I am just floating through the day without purpose.

Can anyone advise me how to handle sitch this weekend, if he brings up the talk for D or he packs his bags. I may be too negative but I'd like to be prepared for the situation so it won't turn out a mjor LB again. Should I just watch him go? At this moment I plan not to stop him. Done the crying and begging too my times before.. Very humiliating!!
HELP pls.

Breathe....deep cleansing breathes.... 3xs. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Ok, now if the WS wants to move out... so what? If he talks of a D, so what?

U did not marry the WS, you married your H. You may do well to learn some reverse babble skills because the WS will attempt to do and say stuff to make you mad.... just because. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> ..... but you know this and know HOW to thwart it. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

How??? Via reverse babble.

Take a look at my sig link and then let's talk. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Practice by giving reverse babble responses to the following:

WS: I am moving out.


or...

WS: You need to divorce me.


Take care,
L.

MB vets, help.

It will be WH's 49th birthday on tues(4th). Should I just ignore the day or arrange for the usual birthday dinner???? right now, I feel so much pain, I want to ignore the day n do nothing. Probably won't even bother reminding the children of the day. Yearly, I make it a point tell them to wish their father Happy Bday. Maybe I skip it this year and let him have a taste of children's alienation!!!!!!

Will this work against the survival of ouy M??? I hope someone can advise me. Orchid? Believer? Thanks.

I would arrange a birthday celebration since you are still in Plan A. It will leave him with a good feeling. Remind the children, too. He is still their father. And most men DO come back to the marriage.

Orchid,

Thank you. The breathing felt good.Have checked through your RB sig link. wish it was easy to remain unemotional when I talk with WS. My BIG problem.

My RB,
WS: I am moving out.
RB: The door's open.

WS: You need to divorce me.
RB: yes,Youu need to divorce me.

recalling some things he said before, which I think he will use again. Any RB advise:

WS: OW is not the issue here. we've had our issues long before this.

WS: You looked down on me. Your family always comes first.
WS: Accept it. There's no point going on.

I hope you can help. your support means a lot. Thanks.

Orchid: Glad he breathing exercises worked. Spray a bit of lavender too! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Patience is a virtue. Some of us have to work harder to get it. I have to work hard for it. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> Practice and pray for a clear mind & calm heart.



Orchid: Good job. Keep it simple.


Orchid: Ok, let's give it a shot. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />


Orchid: (muster up your angry look and say...) Well why didn't you tell me sooner. Why did you have to be a weany and hide behind a stinky OW? :rollingeyes:


Orchid: Really? Well family does come first. How come you don't do that and when did you start shrinking? (yes a barrage of questions to a WS, confuses them and that's a good thing.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> ).


Orchid: Correct.... no point in trying to reason with a WS (yep.... say 'wayward spouse' and WS'. Let him know his other personality has a name..... a bad one).


Orchid: Hope this helps!

take care,
L.