Can someone tell me how long it will take before this pain starts to go away? I've been crying almost constantly for 3 days since I found out. I'm usually a really strong person but I just can't stop crying.

My husband says he loves me and I should be happy because he cut off all contact with her immediatly.

I asked and he told me everything, and it was really, really, really painful. Their affair went on for several months.

He brought her to my house to have sex. I feel like my sanctuary has been violated. No where is safe. I can't walk through my basement without thinking that they were doing it on my rug. They did it in his car and I have this image in my head. I have all these images of them and they just keep popping into my head and then I cry so hard that I can't breath.

How long before my heart stops feeling like its going to explode?

Sosad,

It will start to ease with time. Read the stuff on this site. Read up on Plan A/B; it will give you something to DO as far as battling the A. You may want to re-post on GQII as there are many veterans of this site there. Do you have children? How old are you and you WH? How long married? Does he work with OW?

Take deep breaths and realize that you didn't cause the affair...that was 100% your WHs choice. Keep posting and you'll get help. There are many here who know what you're going through.

(((hugs)))

We've been married for 10 years. We always considered ourseleves best friends and really lucky to love each other so much. We were together for 7 years before we got married. We have two kids, 6 and 2. His job has flexible hours so this was going on while I was at work or when he was telling me he was working on the weekends.

He says he will do anything to keep me. It's only been a few days. I asked him to tell me everything and he did (I think). I keep saying if I can find everyhting out then I can get to the bottom of the pit and then maybe things will start to improve. I think I am at the bottom but its so deep and I cry so much and I can't stop. I can't stop thinking about all the think that she is connected to. My house where they had sex. Even my kids, she was the babysitter. His car, my couch, all the days he was supposed to be working and I was home and he was actually with her. My birthday, when they were already together and he bought me a nightgown. All the times when we had sex and he was already with her. All of that just keeps coming back to my mind and I can't stop it.

I want to move on but everything has been violated.

Hi SoSad,

I am so sorry you are here but it is truly the best place for you to be. Please read and read and read and eventually the crying will subside.

My H had an A with a MW who's family was staying with us. (Grad students with a son my daughters age) I too walk around my house wondering where they had sex. In my bed? On my couch? What "Exactly" did they do? (ew!) Thinking these thoughts are like having little knives pierce my heart. It hurts!

(Should I ask him for details? will that make the recovery process faster or will it only cause more Pain? I don't know - someone with more experience would have to answer that)

Affairs are truly one of the worst experiences in life.
I want to find a bumper sticker that says "Affairs Suck!"
It is SO Thoughtless!!

But YOU did not have the affair. You are much stronger than that. Your strength will help you to recaim your house!
Evict those horrible thoughts from your basement. vaccuum up the place and toss that icky bag and all the nastyness out with the trash!

Then read Love Busters and His Needs Her Needs and start the recovery process. It will be long. You might have to replace the car or a carpet, but you CAN save your marriage.


Thanks for you post! I wish you the best.

that shock phase is the worst... i ended up losing my job because it was so traumatic

and it's really hard to plan A but that is what you will need to do as many will attest if you want to save the marriage

to get to that point, find affordable individual counseling and remain vigilant. the majority of people here can also attest to the fact that the wayward spouse will not stop contacting the other person right away even though most promise to do so. it's really important for your health to know when it happens and to do what it takes to stop it

it's possible to put the pieces back together but, again, it will take time and alot of effort

I have been in pain for 9 months now, I have had little improvement. I am stuck on a few key dates: The day she said I do not love you like I did(3/27/07) The day I can home from a long work related trip and promised to be the best hubby ever (3/28/07) The day she had sex with this jerk (4/1/07) and the 1st week of June (when she came clean about what she really did). I have tried two M.C, a number of pills for depression, church, family, friends, M.Builders, taking with her, anything I can. What I can not get past is that she did this, while I was putting forth all the effort I could. She (LOVES) me now, but I do not really care for he. It's is like a plane crash that is slowly happing, the love is just spinning off a little at a time, I think that is what happens when a long marriage dies. I have had a few folks here try to help, thanks. I have also had a few folks here attack me, I guess they were trying to help me. I hope and pray that you can get some relief. I have not. I guess that when you hurt to the core, the damage is too great. I am just trying to go thought the day, getting as enough done to look O.K. without losing my business and my mind. I have lost about 150K in revenue and savings over the last 8 months just trying to pay for all the therapy, lost time at work, buying another house to move into when we separate (5 times thus far). I look at it like this, If you crack a clay jar, you can mend it. If you break a clay jar you can put it back together. If you crush it into dust, it is lost forever. I was crushed.

It's only been 2 months for me. So far I am still in pain. Its not the gut wrenching physical pain that I was in, but I still hurt. There is a constant lump of emotion in my throat & I don't know when I am going to start crying and if I do start will I ever stop. But people keep telling me that the pain does ease after awhile.

You have come to the right place. The people here a very knowledgable. And if you can pick up Dr. Harley's books & read them it will help you.

I hear ya aoc. I struggle with the exact same types of things. I have not given up hope, I'm still plugging along, but I am recognizing that my feelings for my W have changed. I love her, but I'm not in love with her. .


HAHAHAHAHA

Sorry, I couldn't resist.

Its not quite that way, but close.

One more thought, I have attempted to understand why my wife did this, news break, I will never (understand), it's a waste of time to ask. I think that most people (some at least) want to leave as soon as they find out, but do not know how. I have enough money to leave, a home to move into yet I still really do not know how to leave, I am in such a habit of living with her. I think it is great to try to work it out, but I also think there is a time to divorce. For me, this is it. I hope that others here at MB can keep it together, but for the life of me, how do you just (get over) being robbed of your spouse and the life you had worked for. How do you ever "put it away". All the charity in the world can not make you stop hurting, it may help some, but it has not here. I think that some folks are just wired in such a way that they can feel love for someone, want them safe and well, but still hate them for what they have done. I got a lot of (you have to think this way.....) in M.C. I just can not. I will not allow anyone to tell me that I have to FORGIVE, FORGET AND MOVE ON. I may move on, and I may forgive, but no one HAS to FORGET. It is ingrained in human beings to remember what has hurt them and not to allow it to happen again *(see over used Scottish saying). Good luck, and please contact me if you like, Allovercarolina.



*fool me once,......
fool me twice......

Wish I could answer that question, but I asked the same one just over a month ago. No concrete answers were forthcoming.

I still cry almost daily. I cannot get the movies of them together out of my head, either. My WS is not so open as yours, however, so exactly what went on between them is a mystery. My imagination of what occurred, I'm sure, is just as bad or worse.

Here's hoping we both find some peace soon.

Roaduntravled, I can tell you that I wish I did not know, you can focus this as you like, and I suggest that you think of it as next to nothing in details, cause if you get the details, you can not get it out of your mind! I would like to think that your WS did very little, and I suggest you think the same. Take the best view of this very bad think as you can and see it like that. You have an opportunity that a lot of us do not, good luck and bless you. Email if you like, Allovercarolina.