My heart keeps working on this marriage and recovery. My stomach still hurts and I feel depressed alot. Will I the WS recover myself at the end of all of this. Someone please hear just me........

cloudy--

Not a lot to go on, cloudy.....

Recovery is a gut wrenching, hurl-inducing, roller coaster of a ride for both the Wayward Spouse and the Betrayed Spouse.


What part of "yourself" are you worried about losing?

You said you were the WS (wayward spouse) so your BS (betrayed spouse) is probably worrying about the same thing.

I say this not to be insensitive, but to underscore the importance of communication between you -- honest, open communication.

Is your spouse aware of Marriage Builders? Does he/she understand how to restore love and work on recovery?

Sometimes, in the absence of good counsel or guidance, a betrayed spouse can over-react and let anger and fear dictate their responses.

Can you provide more information so the assembled masses here can help?

Blessings

cloudy,

This may sound trite, but it isn't. I think you can (the operative word) find the best of who you want to be.

There isn't much information in your post....but I'm wondering if you felt as though you "lost" yourself when you got married? And if your affair made you feel better about yourself? One thing you have to remember though, is that it may have helped you feel better....but it didn't make you a better person.

How are you feeling about ending your affair?

If you want to "find" a way to feel good about yourself without cheating ....you've come to the right place.

Welcome to MB.

I am the BS,married 4.5 together 6. Re-married after 24 year first abused marriage.My children 31,29,26.WH 14,9.9yr old son lives with us full time.D-day April 12,06.Affair ended as did job July 1 06. WH lied to OW about being married,and having children. She is single divorced no children.He lied about everything(not just to have affair)he lies about his jobs in past, schooling,travels,money etc.Real bad childhood,has not seen family in 15 years.His affair was a made up fantasy to make himself feel better.He only had sex 3 times in 6 mos(OW was concerned about lack of sex from him)he was going to marry her, take care of her etc.she told me this when we met face to face.She believed him outright and loved him. It's been over for 1.5 years.He since has called old ,old girfriend to see if she liked him still,also old old collegue to start lies to.(all of these women were in his life way before me.)To my knowledge and I check he is trying not to lie and like himself nd our family. I am having a very hard time keeping myself positive within myself about the future and on a daily basis no one knows how I feel but this blog. I really need help gaining control over recovery process.I believe in my heart he is trying but my brain won't shut off about the need to lie so much in the past.Has anyone got advice comments just talk to me please.

cloudy - does he have substance abuse problems? Alcohol, marijuana, or any other kind of drugs?
Mulan

mulan- no my WH has no history of alcohol,drugs etc. Never has, he has occassional drink when we go out but never to excess. He does have a history of lying to women before me, Ex-wife past girlfriends, all surrounding lies to make himself better.

star*fish,
I thank you so much for making me see that I do need to find the best of me. I really know now that the energy that I needed to sustain plan A and the constant checking on gut feelings to make sure that the affair was ended took a toll on me. My husbands affair ended, however he tried to start emotional affairs with old flings(before my time of even knowing him)I couldn't believe in my heart of hearts that he is that insecure to call up women that he hasn't talked with in years and try to re-up something with them. (they talked directly to me and comfirmed). I know that for four months he has been trying but the little lies continue. I have been in a depression I now feel, it took so much energy to take care of everything, bills, house, his son who lives with us. I lost weight, trained alot, and rarely ate now I eat all the time. I am going to get me back and control the eating, keep exercising which I never gave up and start looking for a teaching job. I must overcome this depression for me. thanks for writing

I am trying to be a good person,lover, step-mom, mom,grandma and wife. I am now lost in hate for myself that I have tried plan A and gotten my WH back 7/06 and in Jan/07 he e-mailed a former girlfriend prior to meeting me in another state. She told me by phone that he just wanted attention and to know that he is loved.She told him not to call and that we spoke. He said he doesn't feel worthy and has low self-esteem that's why he tries to get women to fall for him. In 6/07 same thing different girl.I called she is also another state. She broke off all contact. It has now been 6 months, he is showing me his phone whenever,working on his business computer when he is home in front of me. All of the recovery stuff...but I can't keep up this pace. I hate myself for even getting into this position of taking care of everything so our life can go on. I feel like my life as a strong beautiful, successful woman are our. I isolate,spend hours in bed when no one is around, I do not talk to anyone about my problems or concerns. He is not a drug addict, he is a good father and hard worker. I am the one who is not right with all of this...I feel it is all going to tumble at any moment again.I can't sleep, I over eat etc. need someone to talk sense into me.

Oh I forgot, husband works from 4:30am on computer, leaves house at 5:30-6am returns at 6-8 as he has a 2hr commute at new job. I take care of step son as he now lives with us full time. I take him to school at 7, do sports,events, homework etc. My WH makes sure we have money coming in but I do all of the finances and bills to keep us floating. I could not live on my salary. I'm very trapped by this and lonely.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> I am now offically starting over...from the beginning of the book of MB, outlook, conversations with WH and belief that my marriage is worth saving. I will write daily about my progress even if no one responds. I get re-newed energy just being on the site and seeing hope and renewed marriages. I want to have that in my relationship. I am going to work plan A for month with no LB. I am doing this because I feel I dwell in the hurt too much. I am 1.5 years from the affair and all WH contact and job has changed. I feel I need to do MB as I just read it last time and tryed on my own. I need to understand and not just be married but recovered and happy like the rest of MB who have worked the plan. I want to learn how to engage my husband as he is working on the marriage but we are not working on the MB plan, (he doesn't really have an understanding of it, so I'm starting again) Comments and suggestions greatly appreciated.