I know alot of you don't want to hear about stories from the "WS". I am just so beside myself I don't know what else to do. If anyone has read my other post, basically I got in a bad situation after drinking way more than I should and ended up kissing another man. I have no recollection of this event and had no idea anything even happened until friends told me the next day. I felt like I had been punched in the gut...how could I do this to my marriage?? I told my husband right away, the hardest thing I've ever done. We are currently seperated by distance due to his work training so we aren't even able to speak face to face right now. This happened almost 2 weeks ago and it's still all I think about. We haven't really resolved anything, a part of me thinks that he wants to wait until he's home. But I am just overcome with guilt, disgust, hatred for myself right now that I can barely function. I know things are never going to be the same between us...he is a very proud person and has always spoken out about how much he hates infidelity, I was right there with him, and now this happened...

I don't expect sympathy, and I"m not looking for it. This was brought forth by wrong choices on my behalf. But I NEVER would have done this under normal circumstances and seriously want to kill myself of this. I'm just wondering what I can do (if anything) to relay this to him...

Please don't kill yourself, leezy.

Do you think you could get in touch with a counselor? It would probably help a lot.

Or, if you don't want to go that route, listen to the Harley's radio show...the link is on the front page...I'll get it for you.

If you call in and tell them what happened they can help. Please do one of the two. I don't want you to hurt yourself over this. Neither does your H.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/index.html

Go to the MB radio box. It's 10am-1pm Monday thru Friday. The 888 number to call in is right below the live radio link.

Keep posting here!

Thanks Charlotte...

Although the thought did cross my mind a few times when this all first happened, I don't really mean it literally...it is just how bad I feel though. I really do want to thank you for your concern. We have talked about the possibility of counselling when he gets home...he is open to the idea so I guess we'll see how it goes...

I know what you mean. I hurt so bad after D-day that I just prayed that I would die, the pain was so bad.

Do try and call the Harleys tomorrow, though.

Thanks for checking in, I was really worried about you!!!!

(((((leezy)))))

Leezy I haven't read your other thread but a question...do you have a drinking problem? And if so why do you think you drink?

Your remorse and disgust will go a long way with your H. It is one of the things a BS needs.

I pray the best for you.

No I don't have a drinking problem, I dont drink very often, especially without my husband around. When I do drink I usually do blackout, which I know should have been a warning sign not to do it anymore, but I can't take it back now, however thats not the point...

I dont' know where else do go, I understand people here don't want to give advice to the "enemy". I just feel that my situation is different, I didn't go out wanting this, or even making the conscious decision for this to happen...but it did happened and now I'll blame myself for the rest of my life. I just dont know how I'm supposed to not think/obsess about this every second of the day...especially since we cant' be together right now. I can't pretend everything is okay when I just ruined my life....

leezy, the definition of an alcoholic is not how OFTEN or HOW MUCH he drinks, rather WHAT HAPPENS when he does drink. If you are already a black-out drunk, you have a serious drinking problem. Normal drinkers do not black out and violate their moral principles while drunk. I was also a blackout drunk and used to think people were LYING about me when they told me things I did the next day. I just couldn't believe it. It sounds to me like you are in that same boat.

What are you going to do about your drinking?

Yes I understand that...and am kicking myself for not realizing it sooner. I had really been making an effort that if I did drink, to limit myself. But on that night obviously that didn't happen. I will swear on anything to anyone that I will not drink again...this situation has shown me that I obviously can't and have no thoughts on doing it again. But again, that is besides the point, is doesn't change what I did....

I know what ya mean. I tried that trick too, but the truth is that one is too much and a thousand is not enough. It is the FIRST one that is the problem, not the 10th.

My best stunt was switching to GIN in order to control my drinking. Gin tastes SO SORRY that I thought SURELY I could control my drinking with that, right? ummmmmmm no. Gin made me CRAZY as he11 and led to my last shameful drunk on April 27, 1985 when I brought a perfect stranger home from the bar.

My husband, who was home in bed at the time, was none too happy about that. My little sons were asleep in their beds. I, too, was in a blackout drunk. I will never forget the deep shame I felt the next morning when I woke up. I never, ever wanted to be the kind of sleazy bar ho who picked up men from bars. That was much lower than I ever wanted to go. My pain and humiliation threshhold could never tolerate the behavior of a bar fly.

So, believe me when I say I understand your great shame. I have been there and won't be going back. I don't know how far down you are willing to go, but if this is the bottom for you, you might want to consider getting some help with your drinking.

Will your H go to Alanon if you ask him?

ML,

Thank you...it's hard to convey to someone what happened. Most people are of the mind "I have been super drunk but I ALWAYS know what I'm doing". I used to say those things too...but the sad fact is that as the years go by it was becoming easier and easier to black out. IF my husband can forgive me for this (I think he's of the mind that I had to know what was happening) I will be so extremely greatful that I can't even express. I come from a family of alcoholics, the writing was on the wall I guess. You hit it on the head with the shame that I feel...but that doens't compare to the hatred and digust I have for doing this to my husband. He really has never done anything wrong, and I wanted to be that couple that has been together forever with no problems...that's all down the tube now I guess...

Thanks again for sharing though...it makes me feel not so alone...

Oh, and I'm not sure if he would...actually if I mentioned it to him I think he would. I just know that I won't EVER drink again...

leezy, try taking him to an open AA talk and just listen. You will hear your story there and so will he. You most certainly are not alone. Nor do you have to live like that.

Thanks ML...

I guess now I just need advice on how to handle this whole situation. I'm so confused...at first he didn't talk about it, and then we did, and now we're back to not talking about it. I'm trying to give him time and have him bring it up...but I don't know. I don't want it to be just...there...and him resenting me for it without us dealing with it. We have communication problems, but I KNOW this is not something to be swept under. Should I wait for him to bring it up, or do it myself? I just don't know what to do...

Look you have a lot of good things going for you. Even though what you did was wrong you were honest enough to admit it to your husband. If it happened like you described and all you did was kiss the guy I think for a male that is easier to forgive. When I was married I believed that a person should go the extra mile to make it work. Now if you would have told me that you had sex with another guy that would be a different matter. If a person is bold enough to have an affair and sex with another I will not stay married to them. No chance no way it is a deal breaker for me. But there are a lot of people on here that can even forgive that.

Now if my wife would have kissed another guy I could have forgiven her for that. Many on here do forgive and try to move on yet there are others like me who cannot forgive their spouse for sleeping with another. You have a lot of positives by feeling remorse and telling your husband. Don't beat yourself up and make it up to him.

Now if I may ask what did your friend say that you did? Were you kissing a stranger or is this a guy you know? Where were you at a bar or did you bring him home. What has your friend told you and how far did you really go? Are you sure it was just a kiss? If that is all it was then I think you have a great chance. Just please don't start lying because once the trust goes it is very hard to recover.

We did not have sex...all eye witness accounts say that we were found kissing outside the bar. My husband has talked to the guy (unfortunatly it is someone we know) and he also told him we just kissed...but by kiss I guess that means making out. I don't know if this is going to work...how can he ever look at me again or kiss me again without thinking about what happened...I think that is what kills me. How could I f everything up and not even remember...I know he doens't deserve this, and I dont deserve him...