Ok, I called an old boyfriend, I mean a man I dated 20 years ago the other night, after a few drinks - or I wouldn't have had the guts to do it. We had quite a romance in the good old days, he was the boy next door. I went off to college, told him I'd come back then traveled the world, moved to another state and was caught up in my career.

I have a box of letters from him, they are cute. He used to write to me in Alaska, Europe, and out of state. Sweet simple love letters. So when I called him the night before Thanksgiving I'll admit I was drinking because I feel lonely around the Holidays. I rambled on about how he was the cutest guy ever, how I had such a crush on him...

Then something about my dad dying, when I was home driving by the old pasture, reminicing about him, and god forbid I told him through the years I've had these repetitive dreams - and I have - I didn't detail them, but they were about him and I, the horses, the pasture, simple scenes of the place I grew up. I've had them for years and years, maybe once a month, every other month, I don't know.

I continued to drink a little vodka as this was making me more nervous, being on the phone with HIM. I hadn't seen or talked to him in 10 years. About 10 years ago I showed up, called him first, went to his house, we kissed, he had a semi girlfriend. Now his story is he dumped her, had another girlfriend for 10 years, and that just ended and he's starting to date someone else... why did he never marry and have kids? I asked him, wasn't that what he wanted? He said he still could.

Now here's where the vodka was getting to me. I think it was something about come home - I said I'm about to turn 40 - we could still do it - and then we'd live happily ever after. I woke up the next day with a hangover. Somehow I fell asleep and couldn't remember really saying goodbye to him, or how this ended. I couldn't have drank that much I don't think. I don't even know if in the end I made sense.

I was rambling about how I traveled the world, and I remember how I pathetically went on and on about my ex, how mean he was, you know... told him about my little boy, he couldn't believe I had one. My brothers who are jerks, why I didn't come home as much in my 20s as I should have because of family issues. Don't tell me I confessed it all?

Anyways I'm thinking of writing him a letter, he said when I'm in my home state next visiting family I should just come up to his house and say hello. I told him I would I believe. Anyways should I say sorry for drinking and being stupid or would he have figured that out, at least in the end of course he had to have right? I'm such an idiot. Or should I just say, nice chatting with you, enclose a picture of me and my boy maybe? I don't know... I feel like I really want to send a letter out.

Tonight I stayed up late and something clicked - I wrote a poem about the valley I grew up in. About how I'd like to go back for a day. And I described all of the things I enjoyed as a girl. This didn't include him. I thought maybe I'd send him a copy. The significance however is THIS - I've been quite depressed, not myself, I used to write poems and songs in my younger years, I always kept journals, I have journals of our times together for years. I haven't written about happy things for a very long time. Only things in my journals in most of my 30s are about the jerk I married, our fights, you name it... did I lose a decade? I've been depressed lately and I feel this is a sign that I might be snapping out of it.

He used to admire me because I was so spirited, in love with life and adventure. I had wanderlust, wanted to go everywhere, be everything... he was a homebody, I don't know that he was really waiting for me, he wasn't, nor was I him, but we just stayed in each other's lives for years, I don't know what it really was. He used to say there was such a spark. Chemistry. Joy. Young love was a part of it I'm sure.

So A. Should I write the letter? B. What should I say? C. Should I see him when I'm in my homestate and D. How strange will it be?

Thanks

I'd call him again, blame the vodka, laugh about it with him, and propose renewing a friendship. Everyone needs friends. Other stuff can come later.

I would say jot a note on some cute note paper.

Say something like I really enjoyed our chat the other night, sorry that the vodka got to me, I would love to keep in touch, I promise to stay sobber when chatting with you!!!

Dawn <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

im a guy who tends to agree w daybreak

i'd send a short note acknowledging the fact that you are sorry for the drunken phone conversation. sounds like it was an obvious thing if you don't remember hanging up. maybe put something in about not normally drinking but had a tough night and was just thinking about childhood memories or somethin

don't get all sappy

just remind him that you have always valued his friendship and that the next time you come home you will look him up

nothing would scare me more than hearing from a childhood girlfriend, drunk, and crying about the ole maternal clock ticking away

Yes I get the Pathetic award of the year.

I figured out what to do, mail out a Christmas card, say I'm sorry I was drinking and was just remembering the good times, called him.

Let's face it, he couldn't possibly have a REAL interest in me after THAT.

If he did he would have asked for my address and phone number. But then again he's never married, never committed to anyone and through the years even when we dated off and on - he made it clear, women chase him. And they do, he's handsome and now with an inheritance a multi millionare.

I was just dreaming, maybe he was, but reality could bite here. Maybe there's a reason they say "don't go back..." Actually I did 10 years ago, I went to see him and he kissed me, it was strange actually. He hadn't changed a bit, I'd traveled the world, run my own company, done a lot, and he still lived next door to his mother for goodness sake.

Last girl he dated was for 10 years, one before that was for six years. What does that tell you about the man? He's not gonna commit, he's going to "talk" just like my ex, although at least my ex was married three women - but are they both serial monogamists as my mom called my ex? Or is my ex, ex that I called the other night not even in that league? Does he even care that he's starting to date someone new?

He came from a family with a lot of divorce, he was looking for perfect, never found it and don't tell me he still believes in such a thing? As one shrink told me, my ex ruined me? My ex, ex used to like me because I was spirited, in love with life, you know... NOW? I'm negative, in a rut and I well know it.

I don't even know that I'll mail a Christmas card, I was so STUPID. Here I'd plotted out calling him again sometime and THAT'S what I had to do to ruin it...

Why are you so tough on yourself?

You called up a memory for the past. You had a long chat, relaxed, probably cut up and had a good time. What's wrong with that?

I'll share an observation if I can. I'm by no means a player or someone who gets around or whatever. But I noticed that those who have been through particular difficult divorces/breakups tend to resume dating viewing every person as the potential partner.

Just be friends. You don't have to review him about whether he'll commit or be a permenant part of your life down the road. There's no harm in having someone you can call every once in a while and just say "Hey, I had such a great month in business this month" or "Hey, I've been a little down, ya know, the holidays and being alone and all" or "Hey, you would never guess what my boy did today, it was so cute, let me tell you ..."

Sorry if I've been too direct, but that's something I've struggled with a bit and think I'm finally getting past. As soon as I stopped viewing everyone I met as a potential fourth wife (which I'm by no means ready for right now anyway, don't know why I was even thinking that way), I suddenly found myself with several very close female friends. Some of them from my past, some of them I just met. I can hang out and stay up all night just talking with one and have no hopes or desires of it ever being a thing more than friendship and yet I can't tell you how fulfilling it is. I've had a few others that where it was more of a dating thing but where I was clear and up front that I'm not ready or interested in serious relationships right now and that I just wanted to get to know her.

To be honest, I'd love nothing more than to be happily married, but my intellect is finally winning out, at least for now. I know that I'm no where near ready and I'd be likely to repeat the mistakes of my past if I let myself entertain that.

And once I set that aside, I feel more free than I've felt since I was a teenager. I have no interest in playing anyone or taking advantage of everyone. The most fulfilling relationships I have now have never had any romantic interest and likely never will.

It's slowly opening a whole different me and I can't tell you how healing its been. I would be lying to say I don't still struggle and struggle a lot sometimes, but the times in between are FAR MORE PLEASANT <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Sorry if I've rambled, just a thought, just my thought ...