I found out that my wife has been having an affair. After reading His Needs Her Needs, I have discovered why, I wasn't meeting her needs. Not an excuse, but a reason. We have started counseling, but she has expressed very little interest to work on our marriage, as her needs are being met elsewhere, she is in her fantasy world. (Our therapist preaches this book/program) My question is, how do I convince her that this is what we need, and that it will work? I don't want to lose my wife, and damage our precious 4 yr old daughter, but I can't live with someone who doesn't want to love me. Please respond as I really need help. Thank you.

Short answer.. you cannot. If she is not interested, you need to file for divorce and move on.

I've already started the process, my lawyer is working on the separation papers as we type, however, I'm willing to stop it immediately if she would just try. Maybe what she needs to pop this fantasy of hers is time on her own. She makes very little money, and would be very hard pressed to make it on her own, which is what she will be doing if she walks out on our daughter and me. She thinks that she can have her cake and eat it too, but my lawyer (who I've been told is extremely good) is very confident that her assumptions of life after divorce will be very different that what will really happen. I just don't want it to get that far.

ILD,

If you've read HN/HN you already have the basics that you need.

Until the affair is over, counseling will have no effect and will simply be a waste of money and time. It will also make you nuts.

You can't convince your wife to work the program, but you can work it yourself. What you specifically need right now is Plan A. In Plan A you do what you can to meet her emotional needs (EN) while doing away with Love Busters that can deplete her Love Bank balance. You must be able to do this while expecting nothing from her in return.

Since this will not be easy to do and will result in your own love for her dying a slow death, it must be of short duration, usually 6 months or less according to Dr Harley (shorter for women since they are less competitive than men to begin with) During this time your goal is to cause her to fall in love with you all over again. You are in essence trying to out compete the other man (OM) for her affections. It isn't fair, but it can work.

At the same time you need to put pressure on the affair. One way to do this is by exposing the secret to anyone who might have a stake in the situation or can put pressure on your wife to end it. The enemy is the affair itself, so that needs to be the focus of exposure, not revenge or retribution.

Is OM married as well? If so, his wife/GF is a preferred target for exposure.

If they work together, the HR department at work could be as well. In addition, her family and friends of yours and hers who can be considered friends of the marriage as well should know. A pastor or trusted friend from church, if you attend one, can be of great assistance too.

Be forewarned, when you do expose the affair she will be madder than you have ever seen her and even could have imagined in your worst nightmares. This is because the affair is a type of addiction and interfering with the source of the addictive substance will always cause anguish among the addicts.

If your counselor is already familiar with this program, does he know of the affair? What has he said regarding this?

You might wish to read Surviving An Affair, available from this website at a good price. It is also by Dr Harley. From it you can learn what you will need to do in order to save your marriage. It isn't easy and isn't instant gratification, but it can work and does in many cases.

Do some more reading here. Read the Q&A columns regarding infidelity. And just so you know, your not meeting her ENs did contribute to the state of the marriage, but the choice to have an affair and allow someone else to meet them was hers alone. You didn't make her have an affair. Don't accept that responsibility. You weren't given a choice in the matter.

In my signature line below is a link to My Musings Thread. In it are discussions of Plan A and on about page 4 and 5 you will find several links that helped me a great deal when I first got here.

You might just save your marriage if you can figure out the plan and execute it without giving up too soon. There are many here who have done so and many more that are works in progress.

Welcome to Marriage Builders. Sorry you are here under these circumstances, but considering those circumstances, it is a good place to be.

Mark

ILD,

If you would like more of a perspective of what is possible, might I suggest that you post your story in the General Questions II forum under infidelity? There is much more traffic there and many people will be able to chime in with help. If you want to save your marriage, put the divorce on hold until you can work Plan A. If your counselor is familiar with Dr Harley's methods I am very surprised if this has been his counsel so far.

Don't give up till you have tried something that has shown that it can work and this stuff can work.

Mark

ilovedebbie, Mark gave you great advice, but you might want to come over to the General Questions II forum where there is much more traffic and you will get more feedback. Mark posted over there and asked us to help you, so please come over so we can do that.

what they said.


Go to GQII.

AND

1. DON'T MOVE OUT.
2. EMAIL ME AT THE ADDRESS BELOW

Mr. Wondering

oh yeah;

WHEN YOU GET A FEW MINUTES TO READ GO THE THE JUST FOUND OUT BOARD AND READ THE THREAD STARTED BY LONGHORN AND PINNED TO THE TOP OF THE BOARD TITLED:

"FOR NEWLY BETRAYED SPOUSES".

Lots of good strategies in there.

Mr. Wondering

Mr Wondering, thanks for the link to the thread by Longhorn. And don't worry, right now with my wife in Limbo, my daughter and her future are the most important thing to me, and I would never jepordize that by moving out. My lawyer when I met him said that was the smartest thing any man can do, not leave. However, if we go through the separation, I will have her forced to leave, giving me a greatly improved chance of custody, not that I want a battle, but as I've said, she can't support her on what she makes, (as I won't be giving her anything) and I can't provide everything that she needs with what I make. BTW, how do I repost this thread into the infidelity forum or the general questions forum. I've never done this sort of thing before?

You haven't said much yet...just start a new thread over there with the same opening statement with a little more detail.

What state are you in? (answer on GQII)


I ask because laws matter to me...(I'm an attorney)

Mr. W

Hi, one more here in support of you and rebuilding your marriage. I will now pop over to GQ.

Sorry I know this is painful.

It is never too late, provided that both mates are willing to work things out. Try getting some counseling, if they are up to it and work things out. It is a rough road, and nobody should tell you that it is an easy one, but it is possible.