Lady's (short for her monikor - can't remember it exactly) post is something I'm still meditating on. She spoke in a manner so gently, still and calm... that is just really felt like how the Holy Spirit speaks in a still small voice.

I'm weighing her words... and waiting on the Lord. seriously considering remaining in a "lock down" style Plan B.

I'm experiencing God's work in my soul. I feel like the Lord is working... and I don't want to do anything to enable the ex. I want to give it time to continue to meditate.

Today, I felt at many points throughout the day just as I would feel if none of the relationship issues with the ex would have happened. No point of pain inside me.

What if any action in a Plan A, as she said, WOULD enable the ongoing situation? And what, also, if moving to a Plan A would impair ongoing healing which I am already experiencing now without even doing a Plan A - even in a limited manner?

I've decided to wait. I don't need to make a decision now. And if I don't make a decision now - I'd be deciding to stay in Plan B.

I can just continue to receive the healing virtue of the Holy Spirit in my soul... wait on the Lord... and continue to build up and enjoy my life. I'll wait until I feel from the Lord "clear" and an impetus or leading in any different way.

Also, in building up my life, it cheered me today... and it could only have been the Lord. I've never sought promotion. I have been vigorously pursued. Promotion comes from the Lord the scripture states. I turned down a very attractive promotion... cause I felt that though it offered a salary, it limitted my personal commission income.

This morning, the head of my division (not my direct boss - but his boss... cause my boss really wants me to take the promotion)... met with me. I knew they might possibly offer me a position tailor-generated/perfectly suited to me.

I was offered an immediate bonus regular income for doing what I'm already doing. (found money). I was offered a newly created and individualized for me management position prepared for me I can take sometime in 2008 if I want it.

They offered me everything I wanted... and will let me design my own position.

I agreed. No pressure whatsoever. (I didn't even have to make a commitment to take the full position in 2008... and they just gave me money. They want me to transition... and give me a "comfort step"... within my range of comfort... doing nothing more. The new position is just being held and created... and I can tune it just how I want.)

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Yay!!! I'm totally comfortable!!! I said, "Yes."

Surely that must have been the Lord pursuing me. Promotion comes from the Lord. I never asked or sought it... and they kept coming...

And, Lady, if you are right... then maybe that's what the Lord wants to work in my life as I peacefully heal and allow Him to work... in relation to the ex.

It's always better, imo, and one can be 100% sure... when the blessing of the Lord and the will of God pursues one... as one pursues God as a God-chaser.

Thanks, Lady. Thanks, star. Thanks to all those who spoke in the tone of the Holy Spirit... speaking what they believed to be the truth in love.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

God bless.

I don't like to answer questions because, unfortunately, the more information one gives some people... the more they pry.

I'll answer a question. Hmmmm...

What caused my ex to lose his love for me?

Well, I'm used to being loved and cherished. I do a very effective life's "Plan A". The ex did a wrong thing. We are all tempted in many ways... and sometimes people fall.

(Some people especially face temptation I think... the highly desirable men... I think. Plus, men can be so driven by physical hormones. It's not an excuse by any means. However, people make mistakes.)

In other words, take Brad Pitt and George Clooney... 10 years ago... mix them together with their best qualities (imo)... and there you have, IN MY QUALIFIED OPINION,... the ex. (I do love him and love is blind, I know. Yet, I'd look at that man and I'd see the cover of People magazine and I'd think, "Honey, you ain't never been to my town."

In other words, People Magazine evaluated the "Sexiest Man Alive" on the basis of those few who lead lives that cause them to get in front of the camera. My ex is. (I know, love is blind... but I really think it's an accurate assessment. Though, how can a person whose knees would get weak at the very thought of a man... really judge? But I still think it's true! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> And no one else can move me, btw. Not that like that... can't even reach me to trip my trigger. And that man, well, he can trip semi automatic, to automatic... that's all I"m sayin'. I mean, Brad Pitt could not move me. Uh-uh. Are u kidding me? No.)

So, as I say, some face greater temptation than others, I'm going to believe... and, well, "fall prone" to err.

My ex fell into sin. Let me tell you, there's no way she could have held him... but I immediately got hot as hot gets... in the wrong way... and did a meltdown (as discussed). <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

He tried to win me back... in a way that just ticked me off.

He had a very, very, very limitted amount of time to "stop it"... before the bridge would be burned behind him.

The bridge was burned... inside.

You see how angry and frustrated people get when they want what they want their way... and I won't listen? Because they are relating to me in a way that completely violates my sensitivities?

(They are getting nowhere with me. I am accustomed to being loved and cherished... )

Well, the dear ex... it destroyed him.

He did not do anything like the behavior that can be witnessed on this site. Oh, contrair.

He never raised his voice to me though I vented... for a prolonged period.

I shut down and him... and my love is so sweet and pure... he wanted my love... he was just tempted by what I term as a POA.

So, then, as Lady said... things were enabled, basically.

No question that if I had had the composure and strength to just be firm and deal with him in a judicious manner, he would have turned. No question. There were numerous, repeat numerous, opportunities. All missed. Because, instead, I was having meltdown panic attacks and was in a personal position to either be totally "shut down"... or vent like I'd been burned by lava.

Seriously, he flat out quietly meekly hung his head... declared that he had been "busted"... looked at me with puppy dog eyes... and just wanted that Plan A kinda way.

I smiled... cause I love him so dearly... stayed very quiet...

then opened my mouth...

and the lava poured out.

And that's how he lost his love for me.

He loved me like they love a woman... well... in the movies.

And, imo, still does. It's just that even as he burned me... playing with fire... he was burned in return.

God bless.

back,

I'm not doubting your sincerity, but I think one of the things that folks are having a hard time wrapping their minds around, is the "fairy tale" quality of the life you describe. Self esteem, confidence, faith....all of those things are such positve attributes....and I'm struggling to figure out why your descriptions produce so many negative reactions. I think I <might> know why, and I want you to have a good experience here, so I'll try to explain what I see.

Of course my opinion and observations are by no means infallable....so please take what parts of them you find useful and know that I have no other motive except to help.

There a few people in the world who really do lead "charmed" lives. They are beautiful, smart, accomplished, faithful, lucky, and loved and cherished. It sounds as though you feel that way about your life, and you're proud of it. But generally, when people hear something that sounds "too good to be true" they almost always become immediately "suspicious"....because it usually IS too good to be true. For instance, when you describe your husband as being as handsome as Brad Pitt and with all the best qualities any man could possess....this is so good as to be unbelievable. Partially, because since you're here....we already know he broke his marriage vows which already makes him kinda "ugly" for us. It IS believable for you to see your husband in this light....but implying that if we met him....we'd think the same thing....seems a little far fetched....sorry.

Please also know that if God really has given you as many gifts as you say, and your life really has been charmed...in romance, business etc....that it is a very rare gift. It is a jewel to be cherished and it is so rare that it may somewhat painful for others to listen too. Most people are not so lucky....and especially the folks here....are at the low points of their lives.

Think marvelously well of yourself...it is the most important gift you can give yourself and God. But don't forget that pride is a sin and that what many folks here may interpret as "bragging" or "exaggerating" may hamper your ability to get help. It's enough to initially let people know that you feel so confident, without getting too carried away. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I think it's also important for people to see you has "human" and "real"....and by definition....that means "imperfect" and "sinful". It is by God's grace that we are saved....not because we are flawless.

So please be a little more approachable and real okay? Speak more plainly and clearly so that it doesn't sound like fantasy...k? Otherwise, I feel certain you'll alienate the people you're trying to get to know.

Hope this helps.

Back,

Are you a transvestite? (sp)

I worked with a transvestite for a while in a club out west, and she sounded very much like you. I mean everything was so exagerated about her, especially the way she spoke of her life.

Please forgive any offense, none intended.

Hi star...

I'm chuckling... lol. I don't know what to say. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. I can't think any other way about the ex. But let me also share something to balance things in perspective.

I was walking down the aisle of the store... and this woman was coming the opposite way. She must have been 85 years old... or so... or more. And there was this shine of beauty coming from within her... and, honstly, I saw her in the light of this, what I would describe as, a "heavenly glow"... cause I was so struck by her beauty.

I was. I really was. In all sincerity of heart... I couldn't even see with earthly eyes... I just thought, "What a beautiful woman." (i'm like that.) The ex? He really is... he really is... that combination. I honestly cannot see him elsewise.

Now... here's the deal. That's how I look at people. I see them in glasses so rosey...

This week... I met with some clients. I meet with clients from multi-millionaire level and every level of economic wealth... including poverty level, imo. Last nite I met with a multimillionaire in the "elite" part of town. My partner and I estimated his home as worth $600,000 (low) to $800,000 high.. The week prior I went to a poverty area and met with a couple who were, bless them, living in a singlewide trailer on a piece of affordable private property.

Guess what? In my eyes... I can't explain... it's how I see from my heart. The couple in the trailer... I made no effort. I treated them as royalty from Heaven (and they were bowled away... saying I'm so nice... cause to me... I see no difference in worth between them and the multimillionaire... like they are children of God... royalty from Heaven... and that's how I see people... most usually... unless they attack me... and I'm shocked... like they have here in pc.)

Well, I think that's why people like me so much here in 3D.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

It's true. Is it fantasy? Not to me. I really do believe it. I believe they are royalty from Heaven. I believe they shine with beauty and glory. I can almost taste it - I really can see it - it's so real 2me.

I'll write more in a bit.

I'm blinded by love, I think.

It's kinda funny.

There was something else I wanted to say... but just so you understand. I didn't say anything to the lady in the store. Just smiled and said hi. But there was this 85 year old lady at church... I smiled, looked at her, was struck and said, "You are just beautiful!"

She thought I was kidding. So I said it again... cause I really was sincere. She looked at me... stopped... realized I was 100% sincere... and she lit up like it was Christmas.

Next time I saw her.. she'd been to the beauty parlor and bought some new duds... and was just looking like she believed what I said.

And when I go into the mission churches and walk in... it's like... I can't describe it. The people light up to see me... I shake everyone's hands. Crackheads, alcoholics, prostitutes (yep)... and there are a couple missionary supporters there of the evangelistic outreach into the inner city who are millionaires.

I treat them all the same. Like I've been honored to meet royalty... cause that's how I really feel about each one of them... all the same.

They feel it, I think. They know it's true and sincere... and you should see how they respond to me. Like I'm Princess Diana walking in.

I'm not.

But I think I'm reaping what I'm sowing... if that helps to explain.

I've reaped what I've sown in relation to the ex, today.

In a very awful reverse.

Because I loved him so dearly... I "left"... though I was present physically. It's like "my light went out"... and I'm not walking in the light... and no longer shine towards him.

He no longer shines towards me...

No, I'm not normal.

But I'm not hypomaniac. I like to think it's Jesus living in me... in some kind way... truly from the heart.

Many, many people feel this way about me... and sorry it's such a pain in the derrier that I am who I am.

(It's a lot more fun in person... especially when I'm so focussed on others... not telling my own problems... cause I went from the height of Heaven and am fallen from my first love... trying to get back on my feet... and step back into the light in relation to the ex... )

But it's the truth.

God bless.

Josie,

I'm smiling big. No, dear friend. No.

However, it's another thing. Christians get mad at me when I tell them what beautiful people I think homosexuals are.

So... I'm not offended.

(I don't agree with the lifestyle, personally, but it in no way diminishes their glorious worth beyond measure.)

Bless you.

A transvestite? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> yikes! Coming from New Orleans, I've met plenty of transvestites.....I assure they are all individuals and don't all sound the same.

Well Star, she sounds just like someone I used to work with. Is it okay for me to mention it to her? And to ask?

Back,

Thank you for your grace in answering my question. I almost wish you were her, because I really liked her and don't know where she ever ended up.

back,

I think you're undoubtedly right that the kind of persona you describe is much better appreciated in real life. In this flat medium....where 75% of our communication...tone, facial expressions, body language, etc. is lost....there is no way to experience the kind of thing you describe. Instead, it comes off as fantasy and boastfulness. I think it's wonderful that people react so well to you in your real life....but what will get you a good reaction here....in forumland will not be the same thing. No one can "see" your sincerity. Right now....all they "hear" is how wonderful you feel about yourself....and how little you think of most of them. Act here....as you do in real life. According to the things you've described....you have a talent for making other people feel good about themselves. You don't spend your day talking about how great you are....you make them feel great. Use THAT talent here and you won't have to "tell" people that you have a beautiful spirit....they'll already know. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Hello Back.

I see that the Holy Spirit is beginning to work in your life, so in that vein, I hope you'll allow me to address something you said that may have "more life application" now that you are reflecting on what parts you may have played in your situation with your ex-husband. Understand, though, that your "parts" did NOT justify his choice to sin against God and against his wife.



We all (at least the BS's on the system and probably many of the former Wayward Spouses too) understand the ANGER that infidelity rains down upon someone who is the Betrayed Spouse. Adultery IS that devastating, and when it happens to a believer, they also get enraged at the sin that is against God, in addition to the sin that is against them.

That is why God gave all believers a strong admonition to follow when reacting to sin that impacts our lives.

"In your anger do not sin": Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold." (Ephesians 4:26-27 NIV)

"Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only that which is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you." (Ephesians 4:29-32 NIV)

"A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. The tongue of the wise commends knowledge, but the mouth of the fool gushes folly. The eyes of the LORD are everywhere, keeping watch on the wicked and the good. The tongue that healing is a tree of life, but a deceitful tongue crushes the spirit." (Proverbs 15:1-4 NIV)

His choice was wrong, there is no getting around that.

Waiting on the Lord IS a "good thing," because WE are not omniscient.

There is an old adage from out of the '60's that went like this: "Love means never having to say you're sorry."

While I think I know what the author meant, or at least what I hope he meant, I think the Scripture teaches us the exact opposite phrasaeology of that statement:

"Love always means having to say you're sorry when you have wronged someone."

That is, imho, especially true in marriage and when convicted by the Holy Spirit of sin in our lives.

God bless.

P.S. And congratulations on the promotion!

josie,

I'm not saying you shouldn't ask....but surely you can recognize that it's an unusual question and a little shocking? I'm also wondering if you had met more than one transvestite....if you would find them so much alike. I didn't mean to for you to feel silly about asking the question....sorry.

Hi Josie,

Yes, well bless her heart. You know, honestly, people feel very comfortable in the company of someone with whom they can just feel they are valued and appreciated and are awarded worth... on the basis of being.

You know, we are ALL created in the image of God! How beautiful is that? That's beautiful.

But when people "open up" in person... and share with you their deepest pains and things they've experienced... I won't share any here.

Well, but by the grace of God there go we all. I have heard stories of childhood abuse.

When we place the highest value on people... that's when we can restore them, imo, to their true self.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Even if the image is broken (aren't we all broken?)... we are all created in the image of God... beautiful beyond description.

That's, honestly, "who we truly are".

I'm sure she's beautiful and wonderful... and I'm glad she's your friend and your her friend.

Blessings!

(I was up way early this a.m.... on the road by 5:30.... back home for a bit... gotta go to work myself. Good news is... there's a fire in my wood-furnace... cause my son's been home! And I didn't have to light it! - Not sure if you heard about my furnace mechanical difficulties.)

Anyway, I'm in a "Plan B"... so, not a lot here to do, as far as action.

All things "on hold" here in my life... waiting to hear from the Lord.

Wouldn't it be nice if I could walk into the room... see my ex... and let my light shine again?

Oh, dear friend,... I can't even say...

I'll just let the Lord continue to work in my heart.

Have a great day.

Of course, but Back sounds like a very unusual person. And if you knew the girl I used to work with you would have thought it was her to. At any rate, I had to ask. To not have asked, and to have been thinking it, would have been dishonest.

"Creation leaves not it's source"

A very good thought to start the day with. Thank you. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

The sound of my furnace kicking on in the middle of the night is one of the most comforting sounds I know. Glad for your wood fire.

[/quote]Hello Back.

I see that the Holy Spirit is beginning to work in your life, so in that vein, I hope you'll allow me to address something you said that may have "more life application" now that you are reflecting on what parts you may have played in your situation with your ex-husband.

Hi, FH, nice to see you. Yes, I'm enjoying letting the Holy Spirit work in me.





All these things are good, right, and true.



Amen... and apart from the Lord... we can do nothing. I can do nothing. I can only do good and walk in the light by the grace God gives me... more strength.

I tried to walk it out, FH. I sincerely did. And it was like I would collapse... and break... and fall straight into the fire... and though in my heart of hearts by no means did I want to "lava flow"... I did. Knew it was wrong. Was not my true intention. Wanted to overcome it. Wanted to do what I knew to be good, right, and true... I just failed.

God is omnicient. God is sovereign. And for whatever reason, it is the Lord's plan to grant us grace... in His time.

I didn't have grace enough, strength enough, then. I just failed. My strength failed me. The Lord did not fail me. I did not keep those above words... even though I wanted to and tried... I just failed.



Amen. I can only confess my own faults. It's the Lord I've sinned against.

I think that it would be better to Plan B until I'm more healed... to avert the disaster of a lava flow again.

I can only evaluate me and my strength in the Lord at this time.



Well, I think it was seeing that my peers want to work for me - and pretty much in practice have had me "take over" their management, in a way.

They come to me for practical help, and for encouragement and motivation, and I help them succeed. That's what the job entails. Actually, on many levels I'm doing it just because I had a heart to help them... even if I wasn't being paid. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I just wasn't sure I wanted to give up getting commissions. Cause I'm doing my own regular job, too.

Sometimes, do the work... and the title and pay will catch up to a person. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

So... maybe if the Lord does His work in me... my altitude will change relative to the ex???

We can hope.

Thanks, FH.

God bless.

Actually, many transvestites are *not* homosexuals, they are hetero.

Some of them are even married with children and world-champion boxers....and others fit into the drag queen mold.

All transvestite means is someone who likes to wear the opposite gender's clothing, sexual preference aside.

PK

Josie.....I'm not so sure....at least for me. If back were your spouse (or very close family/friend)....then yes, absolutely it would be dishonest and unwise to keep your thoughts to yourself. That's what radical and transparent honesty are all about.

But in the rest of the world, and with people you hardly know...it's impractical, sometimes offensive, and often very poor manners to ask such personal questions. You are not under any obligation to reveal every thought/question that enters your mind in the world at large....otherwise people would be walking around asking questions like: Did you lose your arm in farm accident? Why are you eating at McDonalds and you're so fat? What made you think that dress would be a good choice for you?

Using discretion doesn't mean you're dishonest....it means you care enough to get to know someone and build trust before you delve into the most personal things about them.

I guess though....that in an "anonymous" place like this one...it's tempting and not so bad to ask really probing questions. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Hi,

I know that Josie did not offend me. I'm not sure if I'm discerning or not. (Sometimes, granted, I can be over-sensitive, I'll grant.)

But, in my heart, when I saw what Josie wrote... I felt that it was a sincere question without any malice or contempt.

I felt it was asked from a good heart.

And it's the heart that matters.

That's why I smiled... it was kinda a compliment... the way I looked at it, actually.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

So, between me and Josie, there's no offense whatsoever.

But I sincerely appreciate what you are saying, star, regarding discretion and trust.

Wise words.

Are we all well and happy on the thread?

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Oh.. I don't want Josie to be hurt... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

God bless.

Yeah, I don't know either Star.

In fact GB and I met a man while out to dinner/drinks who did not have an arm, and of course GB asked him what had happened. The man told us almost no one ever asked him about his arm. He felt it was a matter of no one cared enough to ask.

What you perceive as poor manners, I perceive as caring enough to ask. It was not in a capacity of judgement, it was a capacity of curiosty.

But I do see, you not knowing me, how you could have interpreted it as rude. Thank goodness back didn't seem too.

PenaltyKill, the girl I used to work with used to be a man, but became a woman through operations and hormones. Maybe there is a different descriptive term, I don't know. She ended up getting fired because some of the employees felt the bathroom sitch posed a problem. Even though there were doors on the stalls, and I couldn't see what difference it made, management weighed the pros and cons of the employee upheaval and let her go. I thought it was unfair and hope she found some place more accepting. Perhaps she found a hme in New Orleans, hey Star?

Anyway, back to back. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

FH,

I had to come back. I was pondering and meditating about my failures... shedding a couple of old tears.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Then I thought... where does my strength come from? Why! The Word of God and prayer!

And I thought, FH gave those words... about anger and gentleness and turning from wrath and those things... and I think it was the Lord in a way I needed to consider more to grasp.

I'm thinking that those words are alive... the Word. And that maybe that's my next step: meditating on those words.

Where I tried before... and failed... to engraft them successfully to "walk them out" in relation to the ex... maybe that's the "next work" of the Holy Spirit in me.

I am receiving greater grace.

Well, I was greatly encouraged to "try again". Those words are alive. I don't just want to hear them and "miss them" at the time of testing and trial.

Maybe this time around... maybe it's time... that I CAN successfully engraft them in my heart.

I'm going to go back to those words, and meditate on the Word, and give it another try (on the inside I mean the Holy Spirit working in me - staying safely in my Plan B).

I know I'm feeling much better... I just "doubt my strength"... based on past experience.

Today is a new day... and things are getting better... and God is working.

That was a very timely word, FH... and I think it was the Lord pointing His finger saying, "Go there."

Yep, the Word of God and prayer.

Cures everything.

Engrafts strength and endues with power from on high... strength I haven't had in the past... but it's a new day.

Thanks for starting the day with a good meditation... and a focus on where to let the Lord work in my life.

Blessings!

Merry Christmas everyone.