I need some help. My husband is so confused. I actually feel terrible for him. You can look back at my recent posts but in short he is planning on moving into an apartment. He loves me and I am his soul mate, but he doesn't love me like a husband should love a wife. I truly believe the A is over and has been for quite some time. I think withdrawal is over. He won't go back to counseling. He responded to something I asked last night about wanting to be single and a father but he will always be here for me and the kids. He wants to go out without feeling guilty. I'm not making him feel guilty, I am trusting him and told him he is making himself feel guilty.<P>My husband has to take prednisone and many other medications because of a kidney transplant last year. I believe that the prednisone is causing some of his unhappines. Prednisone can intensify mood swings. <P>I am not very acquainted with depression (until discovery myself) or mid life crises. Can anyone give a synopsis of symptoms of both?<P>

Also, he hopes to regain those affectionate feeligngs for me, move home and doesn't want a divorce. This move is tough because I really can't put my finger on why he is doing it except that he feels he is cheating me by not loving me the way he should.

Hoping,<P>I can relate to how your husband is feeling because I feel this too. For me, leaving my wife and son is not an option because I couldn't leave my son without a father. But the feeling is always gnawing at me that I don't love my wife and she deserves someone who does. I think about getting my own apt. frequently... but I just can't do that to my son.<P>I'm sorta hoping that this is a side effect of withdrawal and that when I'm over that hump I'll feel more hopeful about the future. Perhaps your husband IS still feeling withdrawal and misses the OW. I have a sneaky feeling that's true, but you know him best.<P>Depression has it's clinical symptoms -- sleeplessness, no appetite, cannot concentrate, etc. If he's exhibiting these then he needs help, but otherwise, I don't know.<P>Well, I know I'm not much help, but I do know how he feels. Would you be willing to stay with him for the rest of your life if you know that he doesn't really love you? I'm guessing not. That's what's gnawing at him. That's what makes him feel guilty.<P>--airheart

The prednisone may be causing him some depression but have you taked to his Dr about the trauma of having a transplant? I think that can be a very traumatic thing to most people and may be some of whats going on with him. We did have a class on depression related to transplants in nsg school.

Husband claims none of this has anything to do with transplant which is partially true. Our marriage deteriorated many years ago because I was too involved with my babies and working full time. The affair lasted five plus years. <P>In October, when he had his transplant, she began seeing someone else becuase he would not leave me and let her take care of him. Their relationship resumed when he returned to work in January which is when I found out after all these years.<P>He claims the medication has nothing to do with it, that he hasn't felt affection for me in many years which is probably true because he directed it all to her. Now that the affair has been over for seven months, he has no affection for either me or her but he loves me.<P>I think the prednisone is affecting the guilt he feels from doing this and mangnifying it. I don't know that it's depression but what about a mid life crisis?<P>Airheart- My H adores our 6&9 year old sons.He is a great father. I never thought he would leave either but he did for two weeks and my sons were devastated evene though they thought he was living in a motel because of work. Now he's considering it again and I am petrified that he'll never regain those feelings for me and return. My children will not handle this well. They were basket cases the whole two weeks he was gone in June and that's probably why he came home.<P>Any hints about mid life crisis would be appreciated.

Hoping<BR>There is an article on "His Midlife Crisis" At the Friends and Lovers site I believe. I don't know the address. I got there by searching "midlife crisis" on the browser. I think you will find it very enlightening. I'll look it up and get back with the address.<P>Got it: friends-lovers.com<P>There is a whole section on midlife crisis - very helpful!<p>[This message has been edited by wasstubborn (edited August 17, 1999).]

Thanks wasstubborn for the web site info. It is very helpful information. I printed it and am going to have my H read it next time I see him. It explains alot of his behavior.

Hoping,<BR>I find it hard to believe that it is possible to be "too involved with your babies", leading to a deterioration of the marriage. Aren't they his babies too? If you were spending all your free time on raising them, perhaps he wasn't spending enough of his time raising them. I think we were happiest when we were sharing child rearing responsibilities most equally.

Amen Nellie, I couldn't have said it better myself. Speaking from someone whose H is as involved in every aspect of my son's life, I would be miserable if this were not the case. We are a family, and we do things as a family. No excuses! It can definitely make for a much better marriage. And more healthy children too! Can't put a price tag on that.<P>------------------<BR>The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched. They must be felt with the heart.<BR>Helen Keller<p>[This message has been edited by Distrusting (edited August 17, 1999).]

Hi...first you might want to check out the website Friends of Best Years...it deals with midlife crisis and I post there. According to our physician, midlife and depression are one in the same...it just happens at midlife...My husband is bipolar; meaning he displays the following:<P>Depressed side: <P>crying <BR>sleeplessness/ or sleeping too much<BR>manipulation<BR>selfishness<BR>anger<BR>doesn't care about what he use to care about<BR>mean<BR>thoughts of death or suicide<BR>blaming others<BR>unexplained references to divorce and separation<P>on the up (or manic side)..now remember, this up side isn't really happiness as much as an elated or euphoric feeling:<P><BR>guilt<BR>anger<BR>feeling of absolute understanding<BR>say they see things clearly<BR>feeling of being smarter than others<BR>manipulative<BR>controlling<BR>poor decision making<BR>sexual indescretions<BR>wild spending of money - in fact...money is the life blood to someone in a manic stage<P>a person usually doesn't treat in a manic state...as it 'feels' too good...the doctor said it is like a cocaine high<P>Just remember, clinically depressed doesn't mean depressed like we think of it...it is chemical imbalance that changes a persons mood ie: character....it causes them to make up a reality and gives them the ability to make others believe it...<P>So if you are being told how you didn't meet needs...and you believe you did...and you are being told things that appear illogical..you are probably dealing with a depressive...<P>Also, both manics and depressives 'mirror' off of you things they feel about themselves..so if you hear 'you never listened' 'you didn't meet my needs' or the like..it may be that they are mirroring their inadequacies off of you...dont listen, it will drive you mad...<P>I have been told that people in depressions feel so miserable about themselves that they feel the need to get rid of their family before they can get rid of them...and that an affair takes away some of the mental anguish they are feeling by letting the person illogically think that they are wanted...in all honesty...how many of the people our spouses are having affairs with are someone they would have been interested in in their past...mine is with a lady who has been an anorexic, bulemic, and in hospitals for mental problems...and now he protects her like she is a small child...it's whacky!!!<P>Also...perseverant talk...meaning the repeating of certain phrases or remembering and vocalizing certain situations is a hallmark of the disease...my husband seems to fixate on certain things from our past and can't let them go...in depression all those doors in the mind that we put all the bad stuff behind ...and lock them...are thrown open...my husband talks about an arguement we had 15 years ago like it was this morning.....it scared me so much that I have cut off contact with him...and am emotionally healing from being the mirror of someone in a very bad depression. <BR>

Hoping:<P>Here is an excellent an informative website dealing with and understanding depression. The website is called "Friends and Families of People with Depression." The web address is:<P>http://www.psycom.net/depression.central.friends.html<P>I went into this website to try and understand my H's depression. A woman who is clinically depressed sent me the address to this webpage. It gave me a better understanding about depression. I hope you find it very helpful also.

teacher47,<BR>Reading your post was like reading a description of my H, not just now but periodically in the past. Everything you said has been true of him - except that his "wild spending of money" is severely limited by the fact that he has none.<P>I doubt that he will ever be willing to be treated, especially since he is wary of drugs in general. A few years ago a man who lived in our area, who was outwardly perfectly normal, murdered his two kids and his wife in an extremely gruesome fashion, and blamed it on the Prozac he was taking. The Prozac may have had nothing to do with it, but it certainly made both him and me concerned about the possibly.