I need to confirm that there was contact but have inner turmoil about Plan A and whether or not that will drive him away. I feel so deceptive, like I'm talking about trust and I'm doing all this behind his back. I know I am doing this to protect my marriage and end the affair but I still feel horrible about it. I know what I have to do to make this work...please tell me this is the right thing. Tell me the Pandora PC is the right thing to do. It just feels so wrong....maybe that's why he has been having an EA- cos I was too trusting.

WS 40
BS 36
EA
Dday Nov. 22

You sound like you’re in the same state I am.... fear of doing the wrong thing. From some of the advice I've been given I realize that this reaction is normal. I'm as new to this as you are so in terms of giving advice, I don't think I'm in a position to do so, but I can tell you that from my short experience, plan A is a living breathing thing that needs adjustments as time goes on and it's o.k. if the WS knows some of what your up to. I've come to the realization that by sticking to working on meeting your spouses ENs and not expect much in return in the beginning, your doing alright.

All the best and good luck.

Yes we are in the same boat.

It's alright, we're doing more that many would in our situation... we're doing something!

Well I am not sure it's doing any good. He met up with her on Wednesday night- spent the night with her and lied to me about it all. Good thinng for all the advice given about stomping out the affair or I would still be sitting in the dark. I don't know why he is willing to throw away 13 years for uncertainty, not to mention the lives and love of his children.

My heart breaks for you and your kids.

You may want to call the Harley's on their radio show.

As far as throwing away 13 years... He probably doesn't know or appreciate what he has.

I went through this as a 14 year old when my Father did the same thing. I can tell you that it still affects me today, and did help to shape how I deal with my emotions. I put up a wall back then, and I am just starting to tear it down now 25 years later. He might try to tell you that he'll be close by, and that don’t make a difference, but that’s wrong… my Father moved 4 blocks down the road. The fact that he my Mother is what I couldn’t forgive. It took him two year to realize that he made the biggest mistake of his life and was lucky enough that my Mother took him back. That being said I still carried the resentment because I never dealt with the pain of his leaving, just the anger. I can only hope for you and your children that he will decide that it’s better for everybody to stay and work things out.

Can a senior member can please jump in to help Aquarian out...

All the best.

You may also want to post on the general questions forum as it is much busier. Give a little background and someone more knowledgeable in the process will answer.

Aquarian,

Welcome to Marriage Builders. I'm sorry that you are here under these circumstances, but considering those circumstances it is a good place to be.

As TMTS has said, you might want to transfer your story to General Questions II under infidelity as there is much more traffic there than here on this forum.

Plan A is so often understood to be a cure for an affair, but that isn't really what it is at all. It is a way for you to show him what is possible if he commits to ending the affair, beginning no contact and working on building a better marriage. It is really a self improvement program because it is you that makes changes under Plan A. You learn to identify his emotional needs and meet those ENs as he allows while at the same time avoiding making withdrawals from his Love Bank by doing away with love busters.

Steve Harley has describe Plan A as coming to the edge of a stream that you want to cross. It is too deep to wade and too swift to swim; so you pick up a rock and throw it into the water only to have it vanish beneath the surface of the water. But you throw another rock into the water and then another. You throw 499 rocks and each one disappears beneath the waves. And then you throw the 500th rock and the top just sticks out above the surface and now you have something you can build on. The first rock could not be seen but by just believing that they were piling up under the water, and adding more to the unseen pile, you were able to bridge the stream.

Plan A works like this. The first efforts are seldom seen right away. Nothing seems to cause the end of the affair or even allows you to actually meet his ENs since he isn't accepting deposits from you. But it is cumulative rather than explosive and eventually progress can be seen.

Do you know who this OW is? Is she married and if so has her husband been informed of the affair? Who else has it been exposed to? Exposure is your most powerful tool in ending an affair because the affair thrives on secrecy. Once it is out in the open it has to be justified to every one and that is difficult for the affair partners to do. It puts pressure on the affair and that is you goal, to squeeze the life out of it and burst the fantasy bubble.

Have you read Surviving An Affair? If not I would suggest that you get a copy and read it and study it.

And like has been said already, you might consider posting in GQII since a lot more people will see your post and respond.

Mark