I have been reading here for a long time. The advice on this bosrd has saved my marriage for the most part, many times. Last night I got out of school and logged on to the computer and my computer history showed that my husband was looking at porn. This is a HUGE recurring problem in our marriage. He had an EA a few years ago and at the same time was into internet porn.

He called me this morning from work and assured me that he has no intentions of cheating on me. He just wishes that I would be more willing to watch porn with him.

The thing is, I do not mind watching porn, together. I am also very adventurous in the bedroom. Almost to a fault. I do not get his reasoning behind looking at these women except my body not being as nice. It hurts me alot to think that he finds these other women more attractive then me.

I don't know what to do. The last month and a half he has been deleting the history on the computer whenever he is on it. That tells me that what I accidently caught last night was/is an ongoing thing...again.

bump....know how this website works

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Well..

Let me ask you this.. how frequently do you think he looks at porn?

Have you talked to him about it? What does he say his motivations are?

Men typically are very visual creatures, and many just use porn as an aid to get their rocks off when they have to go it alone.

That is -not- to say like anything else it isn't addictive.. and it's a tough one to break if it becomes the -primary- sexual release for him. That should definitely be YOU.

Have you talked to him about his emotional need for SF? Does he feel it's being met in the M? Is his need greater than your desire? Is there a way to POJA this?

Also.. I should point out.. Lust is a very difficult, and very tricky weapon of Satan..

It can lead to many things..

Many who actually find themselves caught in that trap, -can- release themselves from it.


I've fallen into that trap in my life.. and with God's help, am still working to overcome the wandering eyes and lustful thoughts.

LTR:

If you are worried and upset, than his behavior is an issue.

Like anything else, you and he need to establish boundaries that each one is comfortable with.

Is it ever acceptable, never acceptable, acceptable when we are together, etc. Only you can make that decision.

I know that most people on this site, and I would join them, would see it as something that is a hindrance to marital intimacy.

SF is one of my top EN's but my DH is all about controlling this in our life. It's when he wants it and that is it. I have lived by this for the entirety of our marriage (9 yrs). At year 2 he started this (porn surfing) and now it is resurfacing or continuing....not sure which.

Well.. clearly, if it is a problem for you, then it is a problem for the marriage.

Is there a way to let him know that if he needs that kind of release, that you would like to be his preferred outlet?

gosh.. that reads worse than I meant it, but I hope you get the point.

I was really really upset yesterday so I don't think I was real clear in my posts. We talked yesterday on the phone. The night before is when I saw the website he was checking out and I was really pissed so there was no point talking then. He called and told me that he was sorry and explained that we should be watching it together.

I don't have a problem with that except when he wants to watch really raunchy porn...oh and girl on girl is a no go for me. But what he used to look at and the website he looked at the other day is nasty stuff. And frankly I have had 3 kids and while my body is pretty good considering I cannot compare to these porn women. And when he is looking at these other women it kills my self esteem. My confidence is shot which becomes very evident in the bedroom.

They aren't real, anyway. Fake boobs, nips & tucks all over, fake hair, fake teeth, etc. The only real thing about them is whatever disease they might be carrying.

Also, if this is just resurfacing now it scares me that he will have another EA or PA. He told me yesterday that he has no desire in being with someone else and I want to believe him. I guess this is why I'm so upset. At year 2 first got into the porn (really bad) then started talking to a woman on line. They exchanged pictures and he told her he was divorcing me. She was even going to come see him when I found out.

We never really dealt with this at all. I had all the proof and he denied it. I even pretended to be him online and found most of the info I needed. I'm the one that broke up their online affair. Then I told him what I knew and what I told her. Before finding this website I would have never thought of it as an affair. I now see why it had been and still is such a painful thing for me. I guess I just want to make sure this does not happen again. Can anyone give me a plan of action to safeguard against this happening again.

I completely agree. To me they are nasty. We only have two videos that I'm okay with and they are couples and as tasteful as porn can be. He's told me that he thinks that WE need to spice it up in the bedroom. I have tried sexy lengerie (sp), body oils and other little odds and ends. I just think he wants me to act like these porn girls and I can't. It feels rediculously fake to me and sex is supposed to feel good for both of us. Unless I've had a few to drink trying to act like a porn star feels creepy...and frankly makes me laugh...which ruins it for him.

He wants it all in the bedroom. The sounds the everything. Did I mention that I have 3 kids. We live in a 1600 square foot house with vaulted ceilings. We have to be somewhat descreet.

After checking out this board a little more, I was thinking it might be better to put this in emotional needs. Technically my husbands not having an affair. Would that be better or am I in the right place?

I'm trying to navigate the site a bit more than I usually do. Does anyone know if Dr. Harley has any articles regarding porn and the conflicts it causes in a marriage? Also, I'm thinking I should finally buy HNHN. Is there anything else I should read that might help deflate this situation. I'm staying calm right now and hoping to not blow this out of proportion with my H.

LTR,

HNHN is a good one, but so is Fall In Love Stay In Love. It covers ENs, Love Busters and all the basics pretty well and is the newer of the two.

If porn is the issue, try Every Man's Battle which is also linked through New Life. There are also some resources at Troubled With which is part of Focus On the Family.

Mark