Hi. I need advise from anyone that is staying with a WS and KNOW that they are still cheating.

Here's the background. Found out Jun 06 that WH was having an affair. We have four children ages 8, 6, 3, & 1. The affair started when I was pregnant with our 3rd and found out when I was pregnant with our 4th. He left b/c he "didn't know what he wanted" and has basically been living with OW. During this time, WH has been in the mental hospital 3 times...once for actually OD-ing on his depression medicine, and twice for thoughts of doing it. The most recent was just in Oct.

We've been talking about trying to work things out for several months, but he could not follow through with ending the affair. He said he did, later would find emails back and further with OW. Has happened 3 times now. I was starting divorce papers when he checked himself in a mental hospital in Oct. After he got out, he talked seriously about wanting to end the affair and "start over again" with our marriage. Even agreeing that we should move out-of-state, he would get a new job, etc. That he did not want a divorce, blah,blah.

While I told him that was going through with filing the papers and that if I found out that he was still contacting OW that I would follow through with filing. He agreed. I would have access to his cell acct., no new email accts, call me when he gets to work using land line, when he leaves, etc. Well, he has been talking to OW on the work phone and set-up a new email acct. Was at his work last week and pushed redail on the phone and her phone was there. On our home computer I check the history, and have seen logging in on a new acct. Have tried to figure out the pass word, but no luck yet. He said that he did not call her, but that his dad and step-mom call her when they can't get a hold of him and that there is NO NEW EMAIL ACCT. He was just checking is Fantansy Football scores. I know these are ALL LIES.

I am a teacher and see the effects of divorce, remarriages/ step-families on children. I don't want my children growing up in a broken home. The psychological scarring is devastating.

How do you ignore the truth every day? I have been trying to be a better wife to my husband, by being loving, supportive - even though he has unrealistic ideas sometimes!, listening to him when he is talking & ignoring my kids when they interrupt, I greet him with a warm hug and smile. I really have been trying to be the person that I would like to come home to. Now, there has been no SEX, b/c I asked him to get STD testing, which he still has not done. He gave me HPV during my last pregnancy...he is the only man that I have been with.

I help telling myself that "it's not about me" but that the kids need to have a two parent home and that it is my job to keep it as pleasant as possible for THEM.

I have done the phone counseling with Harley. My husband is not so willing.

Am I wrong in staying with a man that truly has no intentions of ending his affair? I want a meaningful marriage but, am realizing that it won't be with his man. I guess am willing to stick it out for my kids, but it's hard not to feel that I am pathetic for settling for this man. My family is disappointed that I am staying. Of course, they think he IS trying to change.

I would really like to hear what advice you have to offer.

I don't know where else to go? Thank you!

I am so sorry that you find yourself here...

Yes, all of us would rather chose saving our M over getting D..."sometimes" it's healthier to go than to stay...

Have you read everything on the site? Ordered Surviving an Affair? And his Needs, Her Needs?

Also, have you been able to speak with his Dr.? Are you involved with that? Just wondering...

It sounds like you are trying to Plan A...Plan A is not about the other person but in fact you...taking care of yourself and being the best person that you can be...

Paying attention to your needs, b/c if you aren't okay, your kids aren't okay...

It sounds like you have a wonderful head on your shoulders, keep up the great work...intelligence before emotion...it's so hard to do at times...

I'm sure that someone will come along who has background closer to your sitch than I...

(((((mom24)))))

you situation is very complicated.

How do you think the kids are at this point? with the hosp. stays and all?

Are you continuing in MC? some kind of C would be in order.

What does your gut tell you? what do you really want to do?

I see some an encouraging sign in your story -- that your husband has been very depressed about his situation. He really is confused. The OW is not the clear-cut answer for him.

You have four very good reasons to stay with him -- four children who would grow up in a two-parent household. I just want to forewarn you that you may regret the impact of the current situation on your children. Our son said to me earlier this year, "I'll just marry someone who will let me do whatever I want." Am I going to feel guilty for how he treats his wife? Yes, because what I tolerated he will expect his wife to tolerate.

I have a very simple suggestion for you. Tell your husband that you don't feel comfortable with his being able to stay away from OW, since contact has been broken so many times in the past. Don't get into an argument with him about whether or not he is currently seeing her. You have discussed his getting a job out of town. Let him know that you want an immediate separation (Plan B) with the condition that you will follow him to a new town but don't want to live with him or have any contact with him until you are in a new town. If you need to file for divorce in order to protect the finances for your children, go ahead and do so. Let him know that you are willing to put the divorce on hold (in our state, you can do that for up to a year).

You aren't pathetic to try to save your marriage when you have four small children. You aren't settling for a cheating husband. You are in a BS fog. You think you can change him when you cannot. All you can do is remove yourself from him until he decides between the OW and you and his four children.

If you thought that separation was the right thing to do, I think you would do it because you are exhibiting a great strength of will in trying to establish conditions with your husband that will eliminate the OW from your life. It's just not enough. He's too addicted. You can feel sad about that, but you cannot make the decision for him to be with you.

One thing I have learned from my own marriage is that a man who has to be chased isn't worth catching. By separating, you are doing the marital equivalent of dumping him. It is then up to him to come back to you or to go on with his life without you. Either of those choices is better for you or the children than his staying in the marriage, feeling trapped and hopeless, while you spy on his every move and try to figure out if his last contact with her was last week or in the last ten minutes. It simply doesn't matter. What matters is that he hasn't made the decision.

Cherishing

Hi. Thanks for responding! My children do not know about the hospital stays. We told them that he was working out of town. Before he moved back in last month, their counselor said that they were adjusting well and that they did not need to continue unless something comes up. They still don't think that he has "moved back", but rather he is having sleepovers with them. I think that's their way of protecting themselves, in case he leaves again.

My gut tells me that if he could end the A, then we COULD have a happy marriage together. But I cannot do it all by myself.

Cherishing,

You are so RIGHT about everything! He has told me that if he really wanted to be with her that he could have already. And that he doesn't see a future with her, but I don't get why he can't leave then and WORK on our marriage! He says that's what he wants. however, his actions and behavior do not always support that.

I guess I thought that he did make the decision of me and the kids when he moved back, but he really hasn't. He did just enough to get back in. With his with yo-yo behavior, I'm going crazy. A few weeks ago, he was excited about moving and getting another job. HE was looking on his own. We even made plans to go another city over Thanksgiving break to check it out. Then after a week or so, his enthusiasm dwindled and he hasn't been doing anything! Putting off having a resume done, looking for job posting, cities. Every city has SOMETHING that he does not like. We did go to Phoenix for Thanksgiving. He seemed excited while we were there, but the day after we got home, his mood changed and he wasn't SURE that moving would be the best thing for us. (I suspect, that he talked with her) With everything that needed to be done, getting a new job, new house, selling our home, etc. he was feeling overwhelmed.

I guess my gut is telling me that he really isn't going to follow through with getting another job and that moving really isn't something that HE wants to do. That leaves me with the choice of staying with him and knowing that the A will cont or file divorce and hope that HE will choose ME and the KIDS before it is finalized.

You spoke of strength of will...yes I do have that. I guess the guilt that I feel for my kids is so strong. I was not the best wife before the A. I was very self-centered and did not put my husband before my kids,family or friends. I know I contributed to his loneliness and misery in our marriage. But when I realized what I was doing and how awful my behavior was...well, it was too late. He was already in the A for over a year. ALl my positive changes didn't matter b/c OW had been meeting those needs for a long time!

Your right about what STAYING will teach my kids. I guess my dilemma is which is worse...Staying or them growing up without a father in the home? Neither are great choices!!!

I can going to think over your suggestion this weekend. Thank you so much for responding!!!

mom24 --

Take heart. My husband kept on bringing up this woman, and I'd get upset, and he'd say "Nothing happened." Finally, I followed Dr. Harley's advice to call the woman's husband and tell him what I knew. Two weeks later, the husband got the truth out of his wife and told me.

My story has an unusual twist in that my husband was so upset about my calling this woman that, four months before exposure when I didn't think he was having an affair, I threatened to call her and he punched me and broke my arm. I had to go through three surgeries for that arm, so you can imagine my fear in calling the woman's husband....

What was his reaction? He told me it was relief. He decided that he couldn't stop the affair on his own so he'd just let it go on until I found out and then he'd stop it.

It is possible that there is an analogy with your husband. It may be that he knows he cannot stop the affair until you move. It's interesting that he was so happy when he was thinking about moving.

This is speculation, of course. What is known is that he hasn't been able to stop the affair even with exposure. If you continue as you have, you may pass as a value onto your children that they should tolerate infidelity in their own marriages. Honestly, the affair hurt a lot worse than the abuse. I would not want my children to suffer as I have with having an unfaithful spouse. Think about it...

Personally, I think you need to force his hand. He is miserable right now. He is in love with another woman and won't give her up. He is married to you and you have four children together. As long as you put up with it, he will continue living with you and getting fixes from his lover.

I so remember what it was like to be in love. If you married him, you probably were in love with him at one point. Think back. That's how he now feels about this other woman. He won't be able to give her up. If you remove yourself from him, the cost of continuing with her goes up. Then he'll start to associate his relationship with her not so much with passionate sex and total freedom but rather with reduced finances and carting kids back and forth and maybe even shame that he would put his family through this...

Cherishing

Yes, I read all those books last summer. They really opened my eyes to how important "love deposits" are. Of course, all the things that I was doing wrong too!

I have not been with him to his Dr. appts. He goes alone.

Taking care of myself is sometimes hard, but I do what I can. I have realized that if I'm not "okay" then my kids are not going to be "okay". I'm the one that is here 24/7 to care for them.

I am trying to make intelligent choices over emotional ones. Sometimes I just need reassurance that "I am doing the right thing!"

Thank you for responding! Feel free anytime!

Cherishing,

I am so sorry that you had to go through that. Did you report the incident to the police? I gather that you are still with your WH? How long ago was the A? Are you in recovery with your WH and has he changed?

I just got back from having lunch with mine. My two youngest and I met him after his Dr. appt. It was a bit awkward b/c last night his went with a "friend", that I have met once, to watch football at a local sports bar. I was comfortable with the whole situation. He called me when he got to his friends, called at half-time, and was going to call before he left. Well, game started at @5pm, he called @ 7:30 at halftime and it was going on 10:15pm with calls. So I called him to just see that he was okay. Said he was almost home. Well, when he got home he was acting weird and distant. I was asking questions about the game and where they were watching it, and he started getting mad at me. Saying, "Why was I questioning him and giving him a hard time?" I was just trying to engage conversion and interest in the game. It back-fired on me and he went to bed irritated with me. This morning it wasn't much better. He left without saying anything.

Again, I suspect that he saw her last night or at least spoke with her prior to coming home.

I think your right, about him feeling "trapped." I do so wish that there WAS SOMETHING that I could do to help him along.

Thank you so much for sharing. I really need good advice. Please feel free to comment anytime!!!

mom24,

There is something you can do -- remove yourself from him. Then he won't feel trapped. Then it will be his choice whether to be with you or not. Right now, you are suffocating him by anything you do.

My husband's affair was six years ago, and I finally got to the point where I was willing to leave him. Now he's treating me well. He's meeting my need for affection, which is my most important emotional need. I think that the willingness to separate, rather than stay and try to change your spouse, might be a critical success factor in marriage.

Cherishing

you've known flat out he has been cheating on you since June 2006 actively and you are still with him?

my WW gave me those same "if i wanted to be with him i'd have left" but he doesn't need to if he can have his cake and eat it too

might be time for you to move out of plan A?