I found out about my husbands affair only a week ago. It's been the worst one of my life. My husband did some really bad and hurtful things but as soon as he was found out he immediately cut off all contact, changed his phone number, left the gym where they would hang out together and adjusted his schedule to avoid being where she would be. So far, he has done everything I've asked and he has begged me to stay with him even though I think I have plenty of justification not to.

I've done a lot of reading here at MB and so has he. We have read about withdrawl and relapses. And we have already made many of the adjustment to his freedom to prevent that. Although I can't say anything for sure, he has made a real effort and seems to be playing by the rules. We are starting counseling tomorrow.

The problem is that after I first threw him out, I let him come back because we have two small children. Our lives have been overloaded with kids and work and finances (probably a big part of our real problems). I took this entire week off from work and we have left the kids with babysitters and friend a lot as we have fought, cried, talked and held on to each other. (And we have done that a lot this week). But what happens next week?

I have to go back to work before I lose my job. I am the primary breadwinner. My husbands job is more flexible which gave him more freedom (bad). Since we can't afford for him to quit immediately, he needs to go back to work as well. And even though we have talked about how to keep tabs on each other the truth is there is not really much of a way I can if he really wanted to see her. And both of us know that, all he would have to do is lie to me about where he really was.

He has said that he feels some of the effects of the withdrawl of the OW. He says they are tempered by the amount of pain he realizes that he has inflicted on me. He swears he does not want to go back but he also admits that he is still thinking of her. He says he misses some of the freedom of his life before and that he wants that back but understands that I need to keep him on a short leash for now. How do I do that?

You've got to do a NC LETTER. Do you have the book SAA? There's an example of the letter in there. You are taking all the right steps otherwise. He's got to take EXTRAORDINARY PRECAUTIONS to PREVENT CONTACT with her or the affair has a high likelihood of starting up again.

When this all happened I had not ready about the NC letter yet. First he called her and told her. She wanted to talk again then next day but then his Mom told him he needed to cut off all contact with him. (He was at his Mom's house because I threw him out when I found out). He sent her a text message that said "No contact, no calls, no text. I need my family" She texted him and called him a bunch of times and he didn't answer. She showed up at his place of employment the next day and he didn't go outside to meet her. By then we had talked and I let him back into the house. (We have two kids). That night he gave me his phone to keep and she called and I answered. She wanted closure, I told her she got all she was getting and he already told her no contact, no call, no text. She was mad and started saying nasty things to me, I said a few things back and then hung up. The next day we changed his phone number and threw away the phone. We have real estate for sale and we changed the number on the signs to my phone. Sure enough she had someone call and then right after that nasty text messages started showing up on my phone. I called the police and filed a harrasment complaint. My husband agreed with everything we did. The police told her that she had been told multiple times that she was to have no contact. She told them she was never going to have contact with either of us again. Here's hoping that's true. If she was to ever say something to either of us I could have her arrested. I don't think it would be good to send a NC letter at this point, right?

WONDERFUL!!



You still need to send the letter. It's moreso for your sake, your H's sake and for your marriage's sake..a written commitment to you and your marriage on his part..the first step in your NEW MARRIAGE together..

The OW is not finished with her scheming and he remains HIGHLY VULNERABLE...and will be so for 3 to 6 months..

Yeah, but if he does we am breaking the no contact order we have against her.

Oh, I see, sosad.

Just make sure all points of contact are SEALED.

My H and I have been in Recovery for over 4 years and we still take precautions.

So how do I help him not relapse? How do I keep check on him?

you might do better to stick to one thread. I think you have at least three going.

Truth is in these early days I don't think there is any 100% way of preventing a relapse ... but there are many things you can do to reduce the risk

- have WH write the NC letter ... even if you don't mail it, him actually writing those words will be beneficial to his own psyche ... it will reinfoce his guilt and strengthen his resolve to focus on you and your M
- Plan A you're heart out ... as much as it hurts, avoid relationship talk, just be the absoulte best person you can be so when he does get that twinge to restore contact he has even less reason to "justify" it to himself
- ask him for 100% transparency (which you have and he has seemed to comply) ... consider a keylogger on your home PC if they contacted via internet or email
- encourage WH to tell you every detail of his schedule and whereabouts and to let you know if anything changes ... no matter how small that change may be
- tell him you'd love to receive a reassuring phone call or email throughout the day while your apart (contact with him will help ease your mind somewhat)
- not sure if this one's recommended by the seniors here but strikes me as a good one ... ask him to change cell phones with you from time to time at random
- reinforce with him that if OW does contact him somehow that its "safe" to tell you ASAP
- lastly, be tuned in to changes in his mood and behaviours. If he suddenly seems distant or quiet it would be a sign that he's struggling to maintain NC ... if the mood suddenly brightens afterwards there's a good chance relapse has happened.

You're on a fine line between concern and obsessive stalking ... you have every right to be paranoid and suspicious ... you just don't want that to consume you either.

Try to be positive & upbeat ... as I've said before I think you've got a lot going the right way so far.

Keep posting here with the goods and bads ... many great people on here to help you through it!

You could have your husband write the NC letter and you approve it. Place it in an envelope and have him address it. After it's ready to go, explain to him that if any further contact is attempted on her part you will mail it to her. Then keep it (especially if you are risking breaking a RO). IF she tries to make contact again, mail the letter...if she doesn't, then perhaps you don't need it anyway.

You do need to be sure and reinforce with him that it is SAFE for him to tell you of attempted contact. If you go postal on him (not that I am implying you have done this) when he is honest about her attempts then he will decide not to tell you anymore. So make sure you tell him "thank you for telling me" when she does try to get through. If he thinks he will be punished for her attempts then he is likely to keep them to himself - furthering the secrecy, whether there is contact or not.