I haven't wanted to face it, but some of my husbands words and behaviors make me think that it's possible he's having an affair. I need to find out so I can deal with it if it's happening or rule it out and move on with saving our marriage.

I can't put a key logger on his computer - it's a laptop he has all the time and I don't have access to it. I don't have access to his cell phone bill, either.

I seem to recall a post about someone who could investigate online activities and hack into cell phone records. Does anyone know of a service that may be able to help me?

Why did his first marriage end?

His first wife met someone online and left him for another man.

Is there anyone with advice on how to find out if my H is having an affair if I can't get into his laptop to install a keylogger and I can't access his cell phone?

I've read the snooping 101 thread and I think the only thing from there I could use is a digital recorder but even that may not give me much of what I need.

You can hire a P.I. You can follow him. You can ask a friend to follow him. Look at his actual cell phone when he is asleep. Search his pockets when he is asleep.

I've always been a believer in also just changing up your routine. WS's rely on you being predictable. When you change your plans or activities around, it cause them to adjust on the fly and make mistakes. They usually get real stressed. As examples, offer to go take his car for a wash as a surprise gift. If you don't usually go with him to the store, all of sudden go with him. Make plans to be away for a while, then suddenly have them fall through.

Finally, you could also just say "you're acting weird and I don't trust you". Let's go print of a copy of your cell phone bills and scan through your e-mails. If they are up to something they will object for many different reasons. Just refuse to be deterred. If they flat refuse to do it, you know enough.

Hope that helps.

It does help. Thanks.

I will see if I can get my hands on his phone when he's asleep. I am considering spending money on a PI.

I've tried the "you're acting weird and I don't trust you" thing. He shared small pieces of info, but not completely. He has always been kind of a private guy and at the time his need for privacy seemed in line with how he's been the whole time I've known him. Now, I'm not so sure since there are other indicators in his behavior that I think need to be checked out.

There's a BIG difference between privacy and secrecy and secrecy has no place in a marriage. I'd go with the PI. Melodylane (a vet here) knows of a good one that's relatively inexpensive. Hopefully she or someone else who knows who I'm talking about will come along and give you that info.

I do realize the difference between privacy and secrecy. Don't think H gets that, though.

I know of ML through the EN board. I'll see if I can find her. I saw a post a few weeks ago about someone who had found a PI who could do online work. I can't find the thread and was hoping someone would have a referral.

Thank you so much.

Place a digital voice recorder in his car when he's not around, like at 3:00 in the morning.

That's how I caught my wife.

Yep, this is really the best investigating tip. Open your eyes and don't worry about being paranoid. After all, "it's not paranoia if they really are out to get you." <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Other things you can do. Run a credit check on him. Always be the one that checks the mail and open it up. Every hotel, car rental, even some restaurants all try to get you to sign up for frequent "whatever" programs. Pay attention to the junk mail, as well. Marketers don't usually send you catalogs until you've bought something from them.

If you haven't met the people he works with, make a point to meet them. Even call his work when you know he's not there and ask for him. Make sure that anyone you talk to who knows him, that you refer to yourself as his wife. You can even call the wrong person at his work and say, "I'm sorry, this is ____ wife, I must have dialed the wrong number.

If you do meet or talk to people he knows, squeeze in the point that you are happily married.

You don't have to do these things in an agressive or over the top way. Just make them routine.


Okay, his response was pretty typical. I was mostly trying to point out that you have 4 generic things you can use. Snoop. (key loggers, PI's, etc. looking for direct evidence) Confront. ("WH, I've seen this, explain yourself") Investigate. (credit checks, etc. not direct evidence, but circumstantial) Experiment. (do something that would cause a problem for him if he is having an A, and observe the results). Which ones you do and what order, etc. is up to you. Just keep in mind, they can all help get to the bottom of things.

Sounds like a combination of things is my best bet. Thanks for the advice. I may be able to get enough to make a decision about next steps.

the remote keyloggers would be easy to install on his laptop... the instructions show you how to embed the program into a picture file... email him a picture and when he opens it, wham you're in

in reference to the cell phone records... most companies have online account management. if he hasn't already registered for this service, you can do the initial sign up on your own and get immediate results

credit checks work the same way... as do debit cards... online account management signups... and it's all free