I'm going on a trip with my XH for a family wedding and the x-inlaw's want us to stay 4 nights in accommodation with them all. I said no thank you, that I needed my boundaries with XH but that I would stay close by and drop our daughter off to them so they can see lots of her (they haven't seen her in a few years).

X-MIL has now found accomodation with two dwellings...and wants me and daughter to stay in that one with whoever I want and the rest of them will stay in the other.

I don't want to be that close to XH, but I understand his parents haven't seen their grand-daughter in a long time and who know's when they will again.

I need some thoughts on what's right. I'm not interested in playing the hard b&tch - I want to do what's RIGHT despite how disgustingly they've treated me from the moment they found out about their son's affair. I want to keep my boundaries with XH but want to be fair to all the aunts and uncles etc whom I still get along well with.

What are your thoughts in staying so close? Or should I go ahead with my original plan and get my own accomodation and drop daughter off to them every day.

Do you have hope of reconciliation with your XH ?

Go with your original plans and only do nothing that makes you uncomfortable.

Have they ever apologized to you for that?

If not, if I was you, I wouldn't even be considering staying anywhere near them, nor exposing my daughter to them.

I have absolutely no desire for reconciliation with my X. The love in that way is gone. It's been 2 years almost since D-day and he moved in with OW. It all fell apart 3 weeks after our divorce (which was only 5 months ago) but there has never been an ounce of indication he's sorry or regretful of his choices. I feel nothing but the desire to move on with my life.

No ManInMotion - the only contact I've had with X-FIL was a few days after D-day when he took the phone off XH and just told me he would always think of me as a daughter. I never heard from him again. I've continued to send photo's of his grand-daughter with not even a 'thanks' from him to even acknowledge them.

X-MIL is a whole different kettle of fish. Diagnosed with paranoid personality disorder she sent me VILE emails from the moment she found out about son's affair)

When she found out I was willing to fly over with her son a few thousand miles away to a country I last left as a married woman she sent me an email which had a half hearted apology - i.e (I'm afraid in the pain of the pressures that were being dumped on everyone both about you and Son and other things that we went some ugly places. I can only apologise for my moments of meltdown).

That's about as good as an apology I'll ever get (and have still never heard from X-FIL)

I've chosen to forgive everyone involved in the breakdown of my marriage - including the inlaw's and I want to move forward - but I don't know if staying so close to them will cause me to take some major steps backward.

I think you are being exceptionally gracious in even considering going anywhere with these people. I would hold firm on your boundaries.

Based on the lack of remorse from your xH and the lack of any heartfelt apology from your ILs for their behaviour, I suggest Plan B-ing them. If I was in your situation, I certainly wouldn't want to be exposing my daughter to them. IMO the less they form any part of you or your daughter's life, the better.

You sound very reasonable,,not spitefull, not wanting any kind of revenge,,you just simply do not want to be right next to them,,I say then don't,,,simply state to her that you appreciate her accomadations,,,her willingness to want to make you feel "close" and comfortable but,,you prefer to stay blank and then do it. Also, if you want D to be with them at all, set that boundry right now, pick days and times and stick to it, it sounds like XMIL can be a little pushy and not look at other's feelings and only her own.

Hi aNN,

You are very gracious to forgive your in-laws.

Did they "support" the A or try and break up the A... or did they just turn a blind eye to the A and accept it?

If they supported the A or just turned a blind eye and 'accepted' the A... then in my eyes, they are evil people. You can still forgive them, but I wouldn't bring my child around them at all.

I would also consider the fact that your MIL might be cooking up a plan to "bring you back" together with your XH....

Like the others have said, if you want to go, then I'd make sure that YOU are comfortable with the living arrangements and that you clearly state your boundaries with them.

Semper Fi,

RIF

aNN - If it's "thoughts" you want, I'll be happy to provide you with my thoughts. What you do them is, obviously, up to you.

Given what you have gone through and the reactions of "that family," in particular the ex-MIL, I would NOT go anywhere near them and our NOT let my daughter anywhere near them. What you want to teach your daughter is up to you, but taking a stand for the sanctity of marriage and the consequences of adultery is NOT "being a bitc!!!"

That is being responsible, loving, and caring and protecting of your daughter. Something that it would appear that your ex-husband and his family don't understand, much less agree with.


This "family wedding" wouldn't happen to be HIS family would it?

You are divorced and they are NOT your family anymore than a "sperm donor" makes someone a father. MIL and FIL may be your daughter's grandparents by genetics, but they have demonstrated that they are not "grandparents."

If you MUST go, stay away from them and keep your daughter away from them. The consequences of adultery extend to all "supporters" of the adultery.

God bless.

Thank you for all your replies.

doingfine you are right - I don't want revenge, I have worked hard to keep a soft heart through all this - but I just don't want to be that close to them.

RIF - x-il's are pastors. So they know that adultery is wrong. They didn't support it but they didn't seem to do much to break it up. They told XH that if he wanted any chance of saving his marriage he had to end the affair. Then they kept their noses out of their son's business. X-MIL didn't support it, but in the same breath sent me emails saying she watched her son 'wither' in our courting days before marriage and questioned my abilities as a Mother. It was so unbelievable my parents really felt she was evil. As I said, she has been suffering psychosis and paranoid personality disorder for the last 10 years so in many ways I've been able to let the things she's said go. She fiercly defends her brood and it is always someone elses fault.

Foreverhers thank you for your thoughts!!! The 'family wedding' is indeed HIS families (a brother). Our daughter is only 3 - he left her when she was 18 months and disappeared out of her life for 7 months. She doesn't have overnights with him yet so the only way I was letting her go overseas was if I was there. It was inconceivable for me to let her go anywhere without me at this age.

As minister's these people surely know what's right and wrong - yet I'll never understand the way they acted. Everyone (including the brothers - and despite one brother having gone through the same thing with his cheating spouse) pretty much left XH to ruin his life without anyone having the guts to say 'what the heck are you doing??'

Like all of you I've been to h&ll and back. I want to do what's right and do all that I can to live in peace with everyone - as the good book says - but keep my boundaries,, protect my daughter and teach her (though she understands nothing of why Mum & Dad don't live together) right and wrong.

OK I had something similar happen fairly recently. My youngest daughter went with my WXH to his nephew's wedding in another state.

But that's where the similarity ends.

My daughter is 16, and I had it written into the separation and divorce papers that all visitation is "at the daughters' disgression". My daughter was going to spend a month with WXH, who lives in another state, and during that visit they were going to Florida for the wedding in his family. I wasn't invited to the wedding of course and I would not have gone if I was.

I'm wondering why you would even consider going yourself? And unless the wedding happens during a time when your WXH has visitation with your daughter, why would you let your daughter go? At such a young age your daughter isn't likely to remember going anyway. Of course I totally understand why you wouldn't want such a young child to travel so far away with the x-laws! Why not just tell them that neither of you will be going on the trip?

Is the OW still with your WXH? If so, I can't imagine the OW would be thrilled about you coming along... If you were still interested in breaking up the adultery and maybe getting back together with your WXH THEN I could see some logic to your going... LOL

anewlife,

The word that comes to my mind is "grace". You might want to consider acting with grace in this situation. You don't have to love them, like them or even live with them. But, you do have their granddaughter. That doesn't trump your feelings, but if you are ambivalent, why not try staying in the separate accommodations and if it does not suit you, explain you "feel more comfortable" moving to something near by.

If you truly are uncomfortable and this really isn't a debate in your mind, but rather a guilt trip, then act with "grace" and politely express your gratitude for their consideration and efforts, but you would feel more "comfortable" staying in separate accommodations as you don't want to make ANYBODY uncomfortable during this time.

You need to sort yourself out, and then act with kindness and grace while abiding by your boundaries.

God Bless,

JL