Thank you, Justuss, but I do realise that this is a support forum.

I am trying to be supportive by offering the firm dose of REALITY that seems to be so lacking on this board.

Affairs happen. Affair marriages happen. You are not the only person in the world your spouse can fall in love with. There are likely hundreds, if not thousands, of people your spouse could love as equally as you. You are neither one in a million, nor one in a thousand.

You are just the poor sap who got there first.

AOK

BigK,

You neither know me or know anything of me; your insinuation is as false ***edit****.

I simply am not so full of myself to think that I had nothing to do with my spouse leaving me for another man when I had EVERYTHING to do with it.


AOK

You do have some valid points Aaron but still, there is very little respect for marriage vows these days. I was pregnant and in the hospital when a mutual acquantance introduced my husband to a another woman because this friend knew we "weren't happy". Ouch..

No he says that marriages are vulnerable because of unmet needs but it's still a WS's CHOICE to get those needs met outside of marriage.

IF it were just unmet needs, then probably 100% of marriages would be affected by cheating partners. It's a choice not some mysterious mystic process whereby we are compelled to get our needs met elsewhere against our will.

The number of BS's on this site who would state their actions had nothing to do with their spouses affair would be close to zero.

But this has NOTHING to do with the topic of this thread.

Ha ha AOK! Little bit of truth in that, enough to sting a bit for sure!

What brings you here spreading happiness and joy? Surely you aren't so lonely as to have nothing else to do except enlighten a bunch of self-pitying losers whining about thier deserved lot?

I like Aaron's style. He is blunt and forthright, and maybe the betrayed husbands here need some of that.

I can say without a shred of doubt on my part that my years of neglect sent my wife into an "exit affiar." It was her choice to participate, but if I had tended my own, she wouldn't have been vulnerable or have felt that was even an option. I have no idea if I'll ever get things back the way they should have been.

Leading men star in their own show. I wish I had, all along.

Mr. GGW

I disagreed totally with AaronOfKent’s point of view,
Yes there are reasons for affaires, yes, but no excuses. No excuses because there are ways to restore love and romance in a marriage. No excuses because the presence of an OM or OW prevents this. The institution of marriage is made to be more stable than other types of relationships. Marriage is very important.

The BS is not to blame for the WS’s adultery. Come on. An affaire is not the alternative to an unhappy marriage. It is not because affaires are common and that some are caused by the neglect by an unconscious BS that they should be held as a normal ending to a marriage. WS usually carry much of the blame for the unhappy marriage anyway. 50/50 blame is an other rationalisation that WS give to justify they horror they are causing.

How about couple therapie, or as little as reading a book on the subject.

Infidelity is preventable and extremely hurtful on the BS, the children, the WS and even the OP.

Well I guess you didn't read my previous post where I said it's a choice.

I'm not disagreeing at all with you DLK. Maybe my words were not clear enough.

50/50 is for the state of the marriage - 100% of the affair is on the WS. Does that spell it out clearer for you?

Most if not 99.9% of BS would agree that they were 50% responsible (more or less) for the creation of the environment that made their spouse VULNERABLE.

It was still their choice.

I've heard Bill Harley say that most of the blame for unhappiness in a marriage is often much more on one spouse than the other. In our case, I believe this is so. 70/30

In the light of the possibilities of a good marriage, the ways available to reach it, the choice to cheat is an unwise one made in ignorance.

That was why I would have been ready to accept my wife back.

I think it may have started after adultery was pronounced no longer illegal, hence less consequences. It was down hill from there.

DLK - I agree that one spouse can be more at fault for the state of the marriage.

I believe anyone following Dr Harleys plan, given an honest shot at recovery by their WS can rebuild love and their marriage.

rate of adultery at around 10%. I wonder why that is ... hmmm. The US has become completely desensitized. I don't disagree with what Aaron had to say because I agree that we all need to deal with certain realities and to glom on to vague hope can be detrimental to one's health and growth.

However that being said people are here to rebuild or reconcile their marriages. It's a tough and rocky road and success is unlikely but in light of that the people are the salt of the earth the essence of humanity and those willing to fight for their beliefs.

If we could only have a planet of such dedicated and honest and loyal people maybe we'd have far fewer problems.

Rate of adultery is around 60% I think. Where did 10% come from?

BK I was referring to Israel which supposedly has an adultery rate of 10%

Oh OK. Was I supposed to guess that? LOL. Thanks for clarifying.

Don't worry BigK, if I have this straight, Mr. Information (411) has forgotten to post all the pertinent information? LOL

Thanks Fluffy - I thought I was going crazy for a minute there.

my comment about Israel was in the post header which is why it was seen.

I think Israel has such a low rate becuase they're more worried about living period so they don't have time to worry about adultery. Could also be the religious angle.