I am at Day 30 of the 60-day statutory cooling-off period after filing of the divorce petition. I am having second thoughts about divorcing, but see no feasible way to save the marriage. Would appreciate advice from wiser folks.

I am 36, my wife is 28, we've been married 4.5 years, no kids.

In January 2007, my wife moved across the country for a professional opportunity in New York City. I was very much against it, but gave in. The deal we made was that we would find a way to rejoin within a year.

Because of the industry I am in, I had a terrible time finding a job in NYC. I was very upfront with my wife about my lack of progress from Jan to July. The marriage relationship was obviously stressed, but I did make an effort to visit as often as I could, and also paid for her travel to come visit me. We ended up spending 4 to 5 days a month together.

In August, I told my wife I gave up on remote job search and was moving to NYC without having secured a job. My wife told me she could not bear disrupting my well-established career by making me move. She also stated she could not support us both while I was looking for a job and could not give me what I wanted in a marriage (children & well-kept home). She felt we'd already spent too much time apart, and my desire to be with her was "too little, too late", and that she was giving up on the marriage.

I was quite shocked, to say the least. We had our share of challenges in the years we spent together, but I was not prepared for this.

At the same time, a good friend in NYC told me her husband of 15 years asked for a divorce, and moved out. My wife and I were very close friends with this couple, and something smelled fishy about the timing of their troubles. I hired a PI and he quickly discovered my wife having an affair with my friend's husband in September 07. I met with my wife in October, she told me she was very much in love with the guy, has plans for a long-term relationship with him, and that an amicable divorce was the best solution for us. A typical "let's be friends" pitch. I filed for divorce on Halloween.

Now, I am having second thoughts about this divorce. I was very angry about what she did, and filed quickly, without putting up a fight. However, I am having trouble seeing how Harley's principles can even be put in action in this case.

My wife and her lover are about to move in together. He's a 42-year old guy and is obviously motivated to keep his 28-year old new woman happy. I am 2,000 miles away from her location. I have no job waiting for me in NYC, and my financial resources are too limited to just pull up and move there. I don't see how I can compete and win.

I feel quite confused right now, a part of me wants to salvage my marriage, and another part tells me I need to cut my losses. I would appreciate any advice at this point.

Hi 1coolguy,
I think you're doing the right thing. She seems to have made up her mind. Thank goodness children aren't involved. Personally, I would cut my losses. Do you really want someone like that back? You're only 36, life has alot to offer you. Stay where you are and move ahead and take care of yourself.

Coolguy,

I was in your situation over 3 years ago. She wanted out of the marraige and that was all there was to it. I filed and I regretted it, 2nd guessed it, wanted to stop it but she wanted me to proceed. I gave her what she wanted...

I do believe in the Harley's methods here but sometimes, there is not much you can do.

Keith

Keith,

How long did you divorce process take? Do you still second-guess yourself?

Thanks,

Coolguy,

Here in Wisconsin, I beleive there is a 4 month cooling off period so it took about 6 months. At no point, did she ever want to come back. (Other than she called me the day after the divorce crying... go figure???)

I feel so bad about the divorce, and if you read my other recent posts, it still bothers me deeply. But I don't 2nd guess it anymore... I truly gave her what she wanted and that was a divorce.

I do believe I will go to my grave trying to figure this out. I know I was a good husband... I just don't know what she wanted after all her affairs.

My advice is if she truly wants the divorce, then give it to her. I do believe that love is a choice, marraige and commitment is a choice.

I KNOW how hard this is - I have lived it.

Keith

Keith,

Thanks for advice. I appreciate it.

I assume your wife never came back. Do you know if she married again and is happy now?

Thanks

Even though you seem to have made your decision to divorce, it doesn't hurt to employ MB methods (plan A/B) anyway. They will help you deal with your own emotions and help you recover from this horrible tragedy.

Coolguy,

No, it has been over 3 years and she hasn't come back. The good thing is I don't wait for her to come back anymore.

She did not remarry and she broke up with her "dream man" less than a year after she left me. Seems he wasn't so dreamy... As far as I know, she isn't seeing anyone but the less I know, the better.

Is she happy? I don't know... when I speak with her, she seems to be the same unhappy person I was married to.

Keith

Keith, Tabby1,

Thanks for advice. I appreciate it.

Tabby1,

I don't see how a Plan A/Plan B is even feasible in this situation. She will be living with another guy 2,000 miles away and will have no significant contact with me.

Any thoughts?

If she is 2000 miles away, she is out of your life and that will make it much easier on you.

Use this experience for growth and learn from it. Someone told me when I was going through the divorce that I would someday be thankful for the wisdom I would gain from it. (I thought this person was nuts!!!) But he was right, I have learned lots.

Hey - email me if you want. My MB email is: [email]bhinwi@hotmail.com.[/email]

Keith

my divorce is pending too

it sucks and having second thoughts seems to be a natural, normal response in your case

i can't think of how plan A/B would work either... is she signing off on the house?

Keith, Charliethree,

Thanks for writing. I appreciate your advice.

Yes, we're both keeping what's ours, so there's no property split per se. I had the house before I got married, so I am keeping it.

1CG, yea i read the thread in GQII

the whole process sucks... i have a pending divorce as well. the offer to talk is open to me as well if ya want although i prefer instant messaging... my email to open it is charliethreeee@yahoo.com