My husband and I have been together for 10 years and married for 6 in Sept. We had always had the relationship everyone admired. Very loving,understanding,and affectionate. We had our first child(a boy) in September of 2003. In 2005 we moved closer to family because we were expecting our 2nd child(a girl). She was born on July 22nd 2005. She smiled when she was a couple hours old and it never stopped. Shortly before she was born my husband and I started having problems communicating and being affectionate toward each other. But I always just "assumed" we would be fine. Afterall, we were the couple everyone wanted to be. We had lost our communication and love for each other also but just kept going. Like roommates. It was so sad for the both of us but neither of us knew what to do and neither of us told the other that we were afraid of what was happening.
On May 18th of this year I was out mowing the lawn and my husband was working a double shift. I had just been in to town with our children to pick up my anti-depressant medication that I had started 3 months prior. The kids had fallen asleep on the way home so I carried them in 1 at a time to put them down for a nap. They did not want to sleep so that is when I decided we would go outside. I would mow the lawn and they would play. My son was 3 at the time and he opened the door to the truck and wanted to play in there with his little sister. They had done it before and it seemed much safer for them to be in there while I mowed the lawn instead of chancing a rock being spit out by the mower. I went to the truck and rolled all the windows down and took the keys out. I would pass by about every 2-5 min. with the mower to see how they were. Then I remembered my medication was in my purse that was in the truck still! I opened the truck door and saw my daughter with my pill bottle in her hand and about 1/2 the bottle of 90 pills were gone! We ran in the house and called poison control and went to E.R. They did nothing! The night was awful! She ended up passing away on the 19th early in the morning.
My husband and I were devestated and our 3 year old understood way too much. Over the course of the summer, my husband and I became even more distant. I gained alot of weight and he was never home. We were both very quiet with each other. One day in July he finally told me he blamed me. If only I had put my purse away like he had told me to do so many times before.
We had been in therapy for greif but not for eachother. In August, I started to suspect he was having an affair but had no proof. In september, I found out I was pregnant. In the end of Sept. I found out for sure and went crazy on him and confronted him. At first he denied it and then finally admitted it was with a gal he worked with. Her occupation...a councellor! NICE! We decided to try to work things out cuz he admitted he never gave me a chance or our marriage after our daughter passed. Things went good for about 2 days. We talked and had fun and then had a horrible argument. I left for a few days. When I came home I decided to have dinner going for him when he got home from work. When he got home, the first thing he said to me was "God damn it, it's over! Don't you get that?" I moved out with our son a few days later to my mother's house. The day after I moved in, I had a miscarriage. I finally told my husband a few weeks later that I was pregnant and lost the baby.
Right now, we speak, but never about how he came to his decision or where we go from here other than ahead with a divorce. He will not talk to me on a personal level and it breaks my heart. I want him back and he knows that but can't understand how someone could want to be with someone who does not love them. He says he has not been in love with me for 2 years. REALLY??? Then why did he say he did and leave me letters in my lunch box for work? I have hope that there is something to recover but how do I do that if he says we HAVE tryed everything and it is just over? I am very impatient also. How do I turn things around without hounding him? How do I do that in a very short period of time? We both have lawyers, I told mine to hold off but I do not know what he is doing with his.
My son and my marriage is all I have to hold on to right now. I need both to get thru this awful time in my life. Any one who has advice on where to go from here would be a HUGE help.

Not gonna give up without a fight! I LOVE THIS MAN!

I'm fairly new here also and still dealing with my WS and her A so I can't give as much good advise as others here, but I'm so sorry for your loss and your WH's affair.

I would imagine the pro's here will tell you to expose the A to everyone who could help break it up, because your WH will not give your marriage a chance while still seeing her.

I have to run, but others will be able to help. You will get through this. Keep your chin up. What ever problems your M had does not justify you WH having an A.

thanks for the support. It is so strange...I just got done reading your post. Yours is the first one I have read. Then I came back to my post and you had replied. CRAZY!!

I have let his employer know and they said unless it is affecting his work they can not do anything about it. His whole family knows and all of the people at work. Since everyone has found out, it is all my fault. I tried to contact OW but she yelled at me and hung up the phone. That made my husband even more angry that I tried to contact her. What else am I supposed to do? He introduced her to our son and had a "family day". Just the 3 of them. OUCH! I found out from my 4 year old son.
He told me that the A is done, however he has said that before.

Welcome to MB. I am so sorry that you lost your little girl ((((((missalot))))). And I think you know that no matter how it happened, parents tend to blame each other. You could go on and on. What if your husband had mowed the lawn, what if YOU didn't need anti-D's.......

Affairs and divorce are also common after the death of a child.

It sounds like you DID have a good marriage, but just drifted away like most people do. By the way, you really should not have moved out of your home. We always suggest the affairee do the moving.

Your starting point will be the same as everyone else here - Plan A. It is about showing your husband what a wonderful wife you can be again, with no disrespectful judgments or angry outbursts.

Missalot

I am so very sorry for the loss of your daughter. I cannot begin to imagine what you are going through. My heart goes out to you and your family. My former husband ( and the father to my children) passed away 3 years ago at 39 yrs old and I am still struggling with coming to terms with his passing.

It sounds to me like your husband has gravitated toward an empathetic ear, someone to hear his pain. For some reason, it sounds as if he is unable to express this to you.

Bear in mind that his A has NOTHING to do with another woman and EVERYTHING to do with your H's own stuff.

Your marriage isnt over, by a long shot. If you are prepared to fight for it, you can recover it.

First, move this posting to the general questions forum. That forum gets much more traffic and is monitored by the marriage builder "veterans" who will give you invaluable advise. If you listen to them, and follow their advise, you can recover your M.

Next step is to EXPOSE te A. A's thrive in secrecy but implode in the light of day, when the fantasy bubble bursts. There is a proper way to expose for the best results. This includes finding out who the OW is, is she married, etc...

You say this is a workplace affair. I would suggest exposure in one fell swoop. This would include exposing to the HR dept of the company, the OW's husband and family, your family, your H's family, friends, etc.... Exposure is NOT about humilation or getting even. It is about breaking up the A. A line from one of my favorite movies is this is, in effect - what you are doing. It is diffuclt to have an A when disapproving eyes are upon you.

The veterans in the GQ forum can better assist you with exposure but you MUST do this.

The second part of this "plan" is to plan A your H. It sounds as if you were doing this unknowinly by making dinner for him. The fact that he reacted as he did is a very good sign. He was angry that you were being loving, and meeting an emotional need. It created conflict in him over his choices, and he reacted in anger. GOOD! This means he IS in conflict over his actions.

Read all you can here. There are some excellent threads on exposure, how to Plan A, etc... Most of these are on the GQ forum - a veteran can direct you to them quicker than I.

You can DO this. There are many people here who will help you and hold your hand throughout the process.


Weekends are a bit slow here, so dont get discouraged if you do not get a response quickly. Take the time and read as much as you can here.

I will pop in from time to time over the weekend to check on you so feel free to post, vent, cry... whatever you need.


And keep breathing.

Ok, I can "chat" more now. I feel honored that my story is the first you read. Hopefully it has helped some.

I would suggest reading everything you can on this site. I have been amazed how right on everyone and the MB site have been as to what will happen next in my situation. There are no guarantees, but for me I've been able to separate myself from a lot of the wayward b.s. thanks to this forum and site. Knowing that these types of things are mostly like clockwork allows you to develop a plan to save your marriage.

Wayward spouses will be angry....lots...It's the only way they can justify what they are doing. They will blame everyone but themselves. They will rewrite the marital history to justify. And exposure will make them ANGRY! When my WS was slapped with exposure to OM's W she said everything that the good people here said she would. That helped me weather the storm. That exposure has caused the end of the A (I think) and 3 weeks later, her anger is beginning to subside.

I would just say again. Sorry you are going through this. Sadly, we all know how you feel. And get educated. This is the best site to learn all you can to try and save your marriage and a great place to vent to people who understand what you are going through. Remember, it is not your fault, no matter what the condition of the M before the A. It was his choice.

I am replying to this to keep it bumped up to the top


wow, what a story, I am so sorry for all of your loss's, you have a lot, more then what most of us could handle for sure.

I am going to read your story again

bump for missalot

thank you all for your kind words. It means so much to me to have the support of complete strangers. I get the feeling tho that soon I will feel like you are all my family. God Bless.

missalot, I just read your story. (((missalot))) you and your WH have dealt with so much. Dealing with the death of a child has to be the most difficult situation a parent ever has to go through. From what I've read here and other places an A is not an unusal occurance after that.

Listen to the veterans. READ everything here.

God bless you on your most horrible journey.

I worry every day that my moving out of the house was a mistake. I hate having to live with my mother again. My 4 year old son and I share a bedroom so I have NO time for myself. This all has been so hard on him too. He will not fall asleep unless he talks to his daddy (daddy does not alway call to say goodnight)and says goodnight. Many nights we are up till midnight having "pillow talk" cuz he misses his sister terribly and is just so sad that his daddy did not call.I would LOVE to move back home but am afraid that the damage is already done and unfixable. The only reason I moved out is cuz I could not afford the mortgage on my own and cuz the OW had been in the house where all my little girls things are still the same as the day she died. So the hurt of those memories was just too much for me to handle. Do I stand a chance? What do I say to my H?

I really do not know much about your situation but time may help. I really hate to hear that you lost a child, God be with you in this time of pain & loss.

You always have a chance, but if you can not get past the pain, as I have found, you may have to move on. There are a lot of good people on this site, and a few jerks too. I know, they emailed me. Pray for a message from God, and hope that your H. does his part as well to fix the family. I know that the pain can overwhelm you at times, talking about your pain with someone on your side can really help. And never forget that you can not help what others do, they may want you to be a part of WHY they ruined the marriage, but it is not true. Humans have free will, and they are responsible for what they do. I am for what I have done, W. is for what she has done. Same in your home. God bless you and email me if I can help, Allovercarolina.

I really do not know much about your situation but time may help. I really hate to hear that you lost a child, God be with you in this time of pain & loss.

You always have a chance, but if you can not get past the pain, as I have found, you may have to move on. There are a lot of good people on this site, and a few jerks too. I know, they emailed me. Pray for a message from God, and hope that your H. does his part as well to fix the family. I know that the pain can overwhelm you at times, talking about your pain with someone on your side can really help. And never forget that you can not help what others do, they may want you to be a part of WHY they ruined the marriage, but it is not true. Humans have free will, and they are responsible for what they do. I am for what I have done, W. is for what she has done. Same in your home. God bless you and email me if I can help, Allovercarolina.

Missalot

PLEASE move your thread to the GQ forum.

Move back in to your house. Tell you H that you arent interested in a divorce and you only "do" marriage. By moving out you are enabling the affair. His life isnt disrupted. He is still in his home and can see OW whenever he wants.

Move back in asap, expose and plan A.

That is the ONLY way you are going to recover your M

I am brand new to how all of this discussion forum stuff works. I dont know the lingo and I am not sure what a "thread" is. If you or anyone can help me figure out how to do all of this I would be more than happy to MOVE all of my stuff to GQ!

Hi missalot,

I am sorry for the confusion. You HAVE posted on GQII, you did so yesterday. I was just ocntinuing to answer your posts on the EN board, and as far as I know you are welcome to continue to post on the EN board along with the GQ board.

It now looks like you've got two threads on the GQ board. Which is fine. I don't know why anyone should have a problem with where you post.

The only reason *I* mentioned GQ was so you could get the advice from folks more experienced than me. I'm sorry you were "un"welcomed here.

I will see you over on the EN board, if that's ok with you, because that's where *I* feel most comfortable.

I think moving the thread had more to do with getting responses than anything. Alot of folks look at the main index of forums and may not look under the EN forum whereas they do look at the general questions. Some folks look under the active topics so this thread will show up towards the top if posting continues.

Post whereever you feel is most comfortable. We can put a call out for veterns that might have gone thru similar situation.

The other situation that might help with responses is the title. Some folks might think missalot is looking for help with the death of her child and not necessarily her M too.
Missalot continue posting whereever, we'll find you, ask your questions, vent, whatever helps.

how do I change the topic on my post to say something else? I thought I did it yesterday but I must have done something wrong.:(

Hi therte

Just reply to the post and change the subject line to whatever you want it to be.


How are you hanging in there?