I've recently discovered that my W has for the past few years shown "an interest" in other men. Nothing physical or emotional as far as I can tell (at least not yet?), and I want to keep it that way. In sum, my W is acting like a teenager with her friends. One of them, a common (female) friend since before my marriage, who has known my W since grade school, gave me the heads up. My W is acting different.

This interest in other men has been described to me as spending HOURS online searching for eye candy (W is a SAHM). Also, talking with friends about other men who she comments anything from "oh, he is cute" to "I would do him". Sending pictures to friends of guys she is interested in (Men seen on TV, movies, news etc.)

We have a teen daughter who doesn't even act this way.

There is more, but you probably get it. Probably just harmless, but I'd like other opinions.

The severity has grown from "it was nothing, just us girls kidding around every once in a while" to "Is there a problem with your M?"

I'd be interested in hearing from people, especially women, on this.

Not harmless.

Just looking for timing and an excuse, possibly has already happened and she is just "testing the waters of approvability" from her friends, looking for enablement.

This sounds like a very serious problem and more than likely it will get worse until she crosses the line. Her behavior is disrespecting and humiliating to you and your marriage. If the roles were reversed I doubt she would be thrilled hearing you say you would love to do other women.

I would suggest marriage counseling as soon as possible. The fact that her close friend had to tell you what she is doing and her concern shows there is a real problem brewing.
Her behavior is unacceptable for a married woman. No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change. I also think she needs to have a complete physical checkup.

Sounds like a serious problem; time to nip it in the bud before it escalates.

What is the state of your marriage? Is your wife happy? Is there anything she has been complaining about? Do you spend an appropriate amount of time with her a week? (15 hours, just you and her, no kids around.)

Since she is a SAHM, perhaps she is feeling unfulfilled and dissatisfied with her role. Are the children grown? Perhaps she doesn't feel needed or wanted anymore.

What are her most important needs? Do you treat her with repect and compassion? Do you do your share of childcare?

She obviously has too much time on her hands if she is spending hours searching for men on-line. Perhaps a part-time job or some volunteer work is in order. It might help.

Lastly, is there anything going on in her life that she could be feeling a complusion to "escape" from? Mom sick, dad diagnosed with cancer, favorite grandparent dying, etc? Often a personal tragedy will spur on some totally crazy behavior, including an affair.

AOK

I agree you have a serious problem. If you don't take it seriously, I wouldn't expect your wife too.

BTW, is there anything you are doing or can change that would enhance your wife's perception of you as eye candy. It may be an EN you can totally meet.

More structure or outside interests _could_ help her if she is unhappy/depressed with too much time on her hands. But, if her present mindset is open to meeting and 'do-ing' other people, some venues are better than other.

My WW started one of her As when participating in a noble out-of-state volunteering activity.

- WG

Just so I don't give the wrong impression, this doesn't happen every day, just say, once or twice a month. Not that I feel its acceptable, but I don't think I'm heading (yet) to an L.

No question, if the shoe was on the other foot she would be furious!

She feels it is nothing, all her friends (divorced, or in one case, "the spinster" who has nothing but this fantasy world) do it.

I try, but she refuses to leave the kids with anyone except her mother, who for the last 2 years now works nights. When I'm not in work, we're together all the time. I've cut back my hours drastically, which hasn't helped my performance reviews any.


This is tricky. Since my S6 was born, I've started to help out a lot more around the house. My W may be a SAHM, but she NEVER did much house work, even before kids. She doesn't cook either. (Yes everyone, I feel like a SAP.) None of this was known until after kids, when she quit her (minimum wage) job.

So I'm sure my resentment came through loud and clear for a long time. I do try to hide(?) it now.

We now both do housework etc, but after I'm home from work. W believes that she is entitled to 6 hours, by herself (both kids in school now) to do whatever she likes. Yes, a load of laundry will get done, the supermarket too perhaps, but nothing close to what my SAHM friends do in one morning. Her day consists of being online, reading books/magazines, and talking on the phone to her fiends.


No question. She however really really really thinks she is working hard. Part of me believes she is doing the best that she can (her family isn't much different; her maiden name translates to English as "unemployed".) Another part wishes I had a pre-nup.


Things got much worse after my S6 was born. He is a lot to handle (for her anyway). My W is, no question, lazy. The 2ed child was just too much work for her. (See above re "6 hours off"). I noticed things going a bit down hill then. She's told friends that she didn't think kids would be this hard.

Things on this front however have been better in the last 9 months.

I would chat with your wife about getting a babysitter. The two of you need to have couples time, WITHOUT kids - at least 15 hours a week. Otherwise you will be like the working drudge and SHE will seek her fun elsewhere.

BP-
If she is following the pattern I am all too familiar with, your wife has gotten bored, feels entitled to be stimulated, and has lost respect for you. She's probably looking for someone to have an affair with if she hasn't found someone already. Late nights out with "the girls" while you stay with the kids are pretty much the dead givaway, given the other syptoms. Working more and helping more with housework will not help you win her respect back. She'll just walk on you more. Been there. Done that. Instead, study up on Harley's Plan A. Be assertive, mysterious and fun. I was not sucessful at Plan A because I denied the obvious for so long that it became entrenched and then I was too mad about what I found out for me to be a whole lotta fun! Accept the premise that your dearheart might actually be cheatin' and you can start doing things to better your situation.
I agree with Believer about the 15 hours a week.
All the best and good luck!

She never leaves the house! Interaction with friends is mostly via phone, some email, and when I'm in the office. W has been out with friends twice in the last 18 months. One lives out of state, the "spinster" is pretty much part of my life as she has nothing to do but call our house.

I'm sure she is bored. I'm working on changing that.

I'm off to revisit Plan A.

W claims to want to go out, so I'll work on it more.

Thanks