My husband and I have been together for 10 years and married for 6 in Sept. We had always had the relationship everyone admired. Very loving,understanding,and affectionate. We had our first child(a boy) in September of 2003. In 2005 we moved closer to family because we were expecting our 2nd child(a girl). She was born on July 22nd 2005. She smiled when she was a couple hours old and it never stopped. Shortly before she was born my husband and I started having problems communicating and being affectionate toward each other. But I always just "assumed" we would be fine. Afterall, we were the couple everyone wanted to be. We had lost our communication and love for each other also but just kept going. Like roommates. It was so sad for the both of us but neither of us knew what to do and neither of us told the other that we were afraid of what was happening.
On May 18th of this year I was out mowing the lawn and my husband was working a double shift. I had just been in to town with our children to pick up my anti-depressant medication that I had started 3 months prior. The kids had fallen asleep on the way home so I carried them in 1 at a time to put them down for a nap. They did not want to sleep so that is when I decided we would go outside. I would mow the lawn and they would play. My son was 3 at the time and he opened the door to the truck and wanted to play in there with his little sister. They had done it before and it seemed much safer for them to be in there while I mowed the lawn instead of chancing a rock being spit out by the mower. I went to the truck and rolled all the windows down and took the keys out. I would pass by about every 2-5 min. with the mower to see how they were. Then I remembered my medication was in my purse that was in the truck still! I opened the truck door and saw my daughter with my pill bottle in her hand and about 1/2 the bottle of 90 pills were gone! We ran in the house and called poison control and went to E.R. They did nothing! The night was awful! She ended up passing away on the 19th early in the morning.
My husband and I were devestated and our 3 year old understood way too much. Over the course of the summer, my husband and I became even more distant. I gained alot of weight and he was never home. We were both very quiet with each other. One day in July he finally told me he blamed me. If only I had put my purse away like he had told me to do so many times before.
We had been in therapy for greif but not for eachother. In August, I started to suspect he was having an affair but had no proof. In september, I found out I was pregnant. In the end of Sept. I found out for sure and went crazy on him and confronted him. At first he denied it and then finally admitted it was with a gal he worked with. Her occupation...a councellor! NICE! We decided to try to work things out cuz he admitted he never gave me a chance or our marriage after our daughter passed. Things went good for about 2 days. We talked and had fun and then had a horrible argument. I left for a few days. When I came home I decided to have dinner going for him when he got home from work. When he got home, the first thing he said to me was "God damn it, it's over! Don't you get that?" I moved out with our son a few days later to my mother's house. The day after I moved in, I had a miscarriage. I finally told my husband a few weeks later that I was pregnant and lost the baby.
Right now, we speak, but never about how he came to his decision or where we go from here other than ahead with a divorce. He will not talk to me on a personal level and it breaks my heart. I want him back and he knows that but can't understand how someone could want to be with someone who does not love them. He says he has not been in love with me for 2 years. REALLY??? Then why did he say he did and leave me letters in my lunch box for work? I have hope that there is something to recover but how do I do that if he says we HAVE tryed everything and it is just over? I am very impatient also. How do I turn things around without hounding him? How do I do that in a very short period of time? We both have lawyers, I told mine to hold off but I do not know what he is doing with his.
My son and my marriage is all I have to hold on to right now. I need both to get thru this awful time in my life. Any one who has advice on where to go from here would be a HUGE help.

Not gonna give up without a fight! I LOVE THIS MAN!

You can notify their work that an affairs is going on and that you love your husband and would like to save your marriage.

By the way, welcome to General Questions.

(((((((((missalot))))))))

I am so sorry for the loss of your children!

Your WS is rewriting your marital history...it's a common thing. Mine fluctuated with his rewriting. Sometimes a lot of years, sometimes just a few.

We are with you every step of the way. Be patient because it's a little slow on the weekends here.

Keep posting and take care!

Charlotte

I did notify their workplace and talked to the administrator. She was very supportive but said she could not do anything unless it was affecting their performance at work. AAARRRGGGHH!! So I tried to call the OW and she yelled at me and hung up on me. From what I understand, she is married. OW's job title? Counceler (sp?)!! NICE HUH?
I also understand that it did get out to all the other employees. And now H says it is over. H has said that b-4 tho. thank you for the great welcome!!

Be sure to track down her hubby and let him know what about his adulterous wife. He has a right to know what is going on in his life.

I don't even know her last name. The therapist we were seeing at the time for greif initially told me to let my H end it and not have me listen in. With the place they work, all personal information is very secured. I have no idea how to get a hold of her husband. Also, the conversations my H and I have been having have been pretty civil lately and even apologetic on both ends if we do argue. I fear that getting a hold of OW's H will only make things harder on me. I am afraid that he will get very angry with me and lash out at me. I worry about how much more I can handle.

Some folks here can give you great pointers on snooping, maybe they can help you find out the OW's last name.

Yes, if you let the OW's husband know about the affair, your husband will be FURIOUS. He may prefer to continue the affair, and if her husband knows, that would be difficult.

Also, more bad news - they cannot work together anymore if you want to save your marriage. Any contact at all will stall your recovery.

how can I make sure they do not work together? My H says he needs his job as a greif distraction right now. The OW is in a seperate dept. but they have to communicate thru the day. Work where we live is hard to come by. My H works 1 hr. away. There is work closer but it pays $7/hr less than what he makes now. As far as the OW is concerned, I could care less. I just want her out of there but not sure how to go about it. She has already threatened harassment charges cuz I called her the 1 time.

Missalot - That is why it is always advised that folks don't date or have affairs with colleagues at work. When the relationship breaks up, it causes work related problems.

I've been posting here quite awhile and have only seen ONE marriage make it if the affairees are still working together. That one was an OW who worked with her ex lover. And even then, YEARS after they had the affair, they got back together, hurting her husband all over again.

Your husband won't agree to it unless he realizes that it is necessary to save his marriage. And it doesn't look like he is at that point yet.

Try Intellius to find her husband and notify him. That is usually the quickest way to completely end an affair.

Missalot,
My heart is aching for your family. This is a difficut time and it will take a while to process everything especially the death of your child. I hope you are still talking to someone on a regular basis to help you though this. My prayers are with you and your family.

what is Intellious? and how do I get my Husband to realize this marriage is worth saving? When I first found out about the A, my husband said that the OW's H found out a few days earlier. I don't believe it. Do I let the OW's H know everything I know??

Intellius is an online people searcher. I think it costs about $8.00 to get info.

It is very common for the affairees to say that the other betrayed spouse already knows. That is because they don't want you spilling the beans. I would make a good effort to contact him.

Hang in there, and do some reading about Plan A.

Thank You so much! I am currently seeking help for 2 different areas of greif from 2 different therapists. One is for Trauma and the other is for the steps in the greif process. It has been a very slow process but I hope to live a decent life again at some point. It helps to know that I can try to save my marriage and that it is not totally hopeless. God Bless.

An excellent grief book is The Grief Handbook by Frank Cherry. If you get a chance check it out. It gives very practical advice on moving through grief.

But I think you know this is all going to take some time. Stick with us, and we will help you.

Plan A is all about showing your husband what a wonderful wife you can be. Clean the house sparkling, look good, and have a pleasant and warm attitude towards him. You are the one seeking help, and will have to do much of the heavy lifting toward saving your marriage at first.

I read plan A and I still am not too sure what I am supposed to do. My husband and I do not live together and he refuses to talk about our situation. I best describe him as a "stuffer" of feelings and emotion. I have been a "stuffer" too which I think has led me to selfishness in our marriage and caused alot of the problems. I guess I am just looking for more direction on how to start to communicate with my H and not make him feel cornered or like he has to defend himself. Do I tell him how I think things started going down hill from my behaviors? Kind of like telling him about my self reflection and regrets of how I treated him and our marriage? Please help me. I feel like the window of opportunity for us is about ready to close.

Well, the first thing you do is put the oxygen mask on yourself. You will need to be working to make your life a good one.

When you talk to your husband, be upbeat and cheerful. You CAN tell him that you are sorry for your contributions to the problems in your marriage. But don't beg or cry. This didn't get broken overnight and it won't get fixed overnight.

In the meantime, exercise, get out, and work on taking excellent care of yourself and your son.

Does he have visits with your son?

I am asking anyone for advice on how to get back into my home after leaving. I have a 4 yearold son and the situation is very complex. You are all more than welcome to read all of my stuff in the "Infidelity" and the Emotional needs colums. I just got on here yesterday and messed up a bit by posting in the wrong forums.

I have read up on plan A but am still confused as to what exactly I need to START with. I moved out a few weeks ago which I find out now is not recommended. I moved out cuz the OW had been in our home where all of our little girls things are. They have not been moved since the day she died. We also have alot of memorial stuff around the house that the OW saw. That made me SICK. The thought that another woman had viewed all of my baby girls things was too much for me to handle. I could not be there anymore! But now I want to get back home. I miss the smells, all of my precious angel's things, my dog, my memorial gardens, EVERYTHING!!!! How can I get back home? I need suggestions on how to even bring the subject up! PLEASE SOMEONE HELP ME!

miss, you just go back home and move in. When you get there, tell him you are sorry you left, are sorry for your actions leading to this state of affairs, but you are now home to work on your marriage. Be sweet, kind, sincere...........and FIRM. NO LOVEBUSTING.

Move right back into your bedroom. Once you get back in and get situated, we can help you save your marriage. But first things first.

I am very sorry about your sweet little daughter, miss. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> I lost my son in a car accident a few years ago so I understand your devastation.