What exactly is going on in your life that is more important than moving home and trying to save your marriage miss? Therapy? The therapist that is helping you deal with the crumbling marriage? Why not move home, then go talk to him about how to SAVE the marriage, instead of asking him how to better cope with it failing?

And just exactly how long will it take to go home? Couple hours to toss your clothes in the backseat, your personal items in the trunk, drive there and hang them back in the closet?

For someone that is so terribly upset, your actions don't seem to show you to be really all that concerned is all.

I mean, we can all sit here and cry with ya, get the kleenex box, pass it around, I got some unshed tears I can summon for the occasion I'm sure.

Just let us know when you really are ready to do something about your situation. Go home, plug your computer in, and post "Ok, now what" and we'll see what we can do for you. Until then, pass me the kleenex.

my therapy is just as important to me as my marriage. The way I see it, if I am not emotionally and mentally well, than how can my marriage be. I can work on me and my marriage at the same time I thought. Maybe I was misdirected.

I do take your words to heart and I do hear them with love. I know now how important it is to be home. I will be home around 11 am.
I am excited and scared.

Missalot, I'm sorry it hurts your feelings, but sometimes us Texas girls just gotta call a spade a spade and not "sugar-coat" it. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

We are all here to help, and yes, when we see someone sabatoging (intentionally or not) their own marriage by putting off what needs to be done TODAY, we get frustrated.

It's very hard to stand by and watch a train wreck, knowing you could have gotten the car off the tracks in time...if only the driver wasn't so terrified of getting hit by the train that they could have driven it off themselves.

Being afraid will not help you right now. If you do NOTHING, well, where are you then? You're out of the house and your husband is sleeping with another woman. Is this what you WANT? Obviously not. So you MUST take steps to change the situation. The situation WILL NOT change without intervention. And the first, most obvious, most important intervention is that you and your son return to the family home to live. It is very difficult to Plan A somebody you don't even see. Of course, he may move out the minute you move it...and you can't control that, but at least you have your home back. And you're in no worse position than you are right now...

Good to hear.

Don't be nervous, just, go home. Don't argue about it, don't cry when he's mean. Just say, "I'm home because I live here, if it doesn't suit you, I'm sorry."

Excellent! (and, it's okay to be scared!!)

NICE WORDS, NICE WORDS! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Nicer words to come when you get moved back in! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Tyk-

"What exactly is going on in your life that is more important than moving home and trying to save your marriage miss? Therapy? The therapist that is helping you deal with the crumbling marriage? Why not move home, then go talk to him about how to SAVE the marriage, instead of asking him how to better cope with it failing?

I think people are misunderstanding my therapy. It is NOT for my marriage. It is for greif and PTSD. THAT is why it is so important. I saw my daughter go thru some HORRIBLE things the night she died and I can not get them out of my head. I see the images over and over and over again. ALL DAY. My therapy is to hopefully one day have good memories of her again not the HORRIBLE images i have been having.

"I mean, we can all sit here and cry with ya, get the kleenex box, pass it around, I got some unshed tears I can summon for the occasion I'm sure."

Is this sarcasm?

YES!! now, get your bag packed, and GO HOME!!

Miss - are you AFRAID of your husband? Has he ever threatened or hit you?

Is there a way for me to answer this privately? I am not sure if I am ready to be very public yet.

Believer is right, Mis. You will not get better advice than Mel's.

She (and a few others) walked me through the last 6 months...through Plan A, exposure, boundaries, preparing for Plan B, and now marriage recovery with my FWS. Believer was helpful to me, too. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Mel was here every single day, posting to me, sometimes giving it to me with the same tough voice you are hearing right now. And I, too, was afraid to do what she was telling me and sometimes didn't like the tone. But I didn't whine because I KNEW that she had my best interests at heart and probably knew what I needed more than I knew what I needed. I was afraid to make my FWH angry. I was afraid I would do the wrong thing or say the wrong thing. But I did what the vets advised anyway. And they directed me exactly where I needed to go, even though I couldn't always see it.

You can do this.

But you gotta stop with this whininess about Mel not talking nicely. You've gotta suck it up and listen.

No one is here to pamper you. We are here to HELP you. Many on your post have been helping BS's for YEARS and see patterns in our behavior. They see it in you and are trying to get you through the behavior that does sabotage your marriage.

You asked for examples. I can think of 3 right away. I don't mention these to "beat you up" but to SHOW you HOW you are sabotaging:

1. warning WS that you are moving home
2. not moving home sooner
3. defocusing from what you NEED to be doing to how people are talking to you

Please don't reply back with more defocusing. I point this out so that you can SEE HOW you have done it and move past doing it.

WE WANT TO HELP YOU. We have been there. We have done this. We have survived. We know every feeling you are having. We know every fear you are feeling. We know every doubt that is crossing your mind.

A parent sometimes has to raise her voice and be firm with her children, because she loves them and wants to help them do what is best for them. We are tying to help you do what we know is best for you...because we have seen it over and over on these boards... Most on your post have seen it a lot longer that I have. They know how to help you. Please calm yourself and focus today on your move.

THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!!!!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

No one asked you to stop going to counseling, just to move home. If that means missing one appointment to get it done now, then miss it. If you can do it one day before your therapy, great, you won't have to miss it.

I have 5 kids, and I know how to shuffle appointments around so that I can get something VERY IMPORTANT done. You just pick up the phone and say, "I can't make it. Can we meet another time?"


GOOD FOR YOU!!!!

I will be praying for you.

Thanks SMB <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

If your H has a history of violence then that is something we do need to know! I would not encourage you to place yourself in a dangerous environment, nor would I suggest that you risk surprising someone that may be prone to a violent reaction.

Its your choice to share or not, but you put yourself at risk in accepting advice from those that do not know the whole story, especially regarding something as serious and potentially dangerous as this.

And yes, that was sarcasm earlier! Sorry miss, I forgot my [/sarcasm] brackets! I forget sometimes that people can't "feel" me in a text environment.

Miss...This is "private"...It's an anonymous forum...Are you in danger?

Mrs. W

Mis, we want to help you. We may direct you incorrectly without all the information.

And Mrs. W is so right. You are anonymous here. We have no idea who you are other than a BS.

he has never hit me but threatened that if I hit a man I shuld be expected to be hit like a man.
He has grabbed my wrists and pushed me and almost shut my arm in the truck door and then later told me that the only reason he thought I reacted the way I did to his behavior was because I was trying to get him to hurt me so I could have him arrested for domestic violence so he would loose his job.
Sorry that I have not mentioned this b4. It is very hard to admit and almost embarassing.

this is why I have been teeter tottering about moving home and this is also why I felt I needed to give him a heads up. He does not just get angry, he gets VERY MEAN. Yelling and throwing things and if I am close enough to him he will grab my wrists or arms or push me.

Hey, if you feel he is a wife beater, then you shouldn't go home anyway. If it isn't this he gets angry over, it will be something else. Just file for divorce and be done with it.

I am not sure if I think he is a wife beater. But he does have anger issues for sure. I just don't want to feel stupid. he normally has alot of compassion. This all has just been in the last 3 months since the A was exposed and shortly b4(when he was having the A but did not know I new)