"My story" so far is documented in the divorce section of the forums if you need background detail.

My family court hearing is around a month away. I typed up the following summary in the event that I am given a chance to speak to the judge.

This was my first marriage so I have never been to a divorce hearing before. I am not sure how it works in Florida.

I am asking for input on my statement... is it clearly written? Do I need to elaborate anywhere? Did I seem to ramble at any point? that kind of thing.

I am also seeking information about what happens at these hearings.

Thanks In Advance,

Charlie.



Your Honor,

I could not afford a divorce lawyer to help me organize this statement. These words are my own. They are truthful. My wife Tonnya was given the opportunity to provide a written response to my petition. I wanted the same opportunity. Here is my statement:

My wife has repeatedly said she does not object to this divorce. She has acknowledged the fact that she has had physical affairs with three men during the eight years we were married. I made many attempts to resolve our marital problems. But in June 2007, she moved out of our home on her own free will. She maintained her relatioship with the third man after the separation and that is why I filed the divorce petition.

I made several attempts to reach a settlement in reference to the distribution of of our assets and debts prior to this hearing. She did not accept any of the offers. My wife has instead told me that I owe her $20,000 in compensation. She believes that she has contributed to this marriage much more than I have financially.

I dispute this fact and humbly as for your assistance in the matter.

She said she came to this conclusion because in 2004 I benefited from the sale of a home she purchased with her first husband. She received $40,000 from the sale of her home. Some of the money was used to pay debts incurred before we were married. Some was used for her breast enlargement surgery. The remainder was used to pay off our joint debts at this time. Prior to this, she sold an estimated $10,000 of her assets and belongings in an effort to prevent the sale. All told, she probably accounted for an estimated $40,000 in assets sold.

However, I have contributed financially to the marriage in many ways also.

- Aside from the first year-and-a-half that we were married, I have consistently made much more money than my wife. Even during that first year-and-a-half, my parents gave us $10,000 to help us during this rough time.

- Since October 2001, I have been financially stable in that I held two jobs making good money. I was making around $40,000 per year as a child abuse investigator up until August 2004 when I learned about the first two affairs. The traumatic discovery led to me losing that job but I quickly found other employment as a social worker for The Salvation Army where I am currently employed as a manager.

- Tonnya, on the other hand, has a very sporatic employment history. In the summer of 2002, she was fired from State Farm Insurance. She did not find other employment until approximately September 2004 when she found a job at a local bank. She was fired from this job less than a year later because she was missing alot of time at work as a result of health problems of her own and of our son. Her mother gave her a job at her restaurant shortly thereafter where she worked for a few months making very little money. Sometime in 2005, she got a job and was eventually fired after she complained of being sexually harassed. In 2006, she worked at Walmart for a few more months making very little money. She quit this job in the summer of 2006. She was unemployed for a few months before she landed the job where she is currently working. During all this time, I supported our household as the primary financial caregiver. During this five year span, I easily contributed $40,000 more than she did in salary. She benefited from my financial stability.

- My parents spent over $15,000 on our son's early education during the course of our marriage.

- Every year that we have been married, my parents have given us $1,000 for Christmas. She benefited another $7,000 in this manner.

- She won a sexual harassment suit in 2006 when she was awarded $20,000. I did not have access to one penny of this money as she put it in an account in her daughter's name to hide it from me. This money was not just hers as she has always maintained. I honestly have no idea how she spent the bulk of it.

- In the spring of 2006, I inherited $23,000 that I used to purchase our second home.

- When Tonnya moved out of our home in June, she took the bulk of our furniture and I will have to spend money furnishing the empty home where my son and I currently live.

- Since the separation, I have paid for health insurance for Tonnya and my stepdaughter. This has cost me more than $3,000. It would have only cost around $600 to insure me and my son since separation.

- Since the separation, Tonnya has given me $100 for after school care. To date I have paid $1,100 since separation.

- When Tonnya left me, I was left with a $1,100 per month mortgage and $6,500 on credit from a home improovement. It cost me a few thousand more to refinance the home into my own name so I could consildate this debt and reduce my monthly payment. Immediately after she left, I did not have enough money to pay all the bills. I was forced to make several changes so that I could get my monthly budget in order. For example, I can no longer afford private health insurance for my son. Even after the changes I was forced to make, my budget is still tight as you can see by the budget that was included with my petition.

- In late November, I gave Tonnya $600 after the refinance was settled.

Your Honor, I hope you can see that Tonnya has greatly benefited from my financial input to the marriage. I do not believe that I owe her a large sum of money.

I have even agreed to maintain health insurance for our son. All I am asking from Tonnya is the house she left, joint custody of our son and shared medical costs not covered by insurance for our son.

Tonnya receives $400 per month in child support from the father of her daughter. With that plus her salary, she still complains about never having enough money. I am not asking her for child support for this reason.

It has been very hard for me to deal with her serial adultry. I simply want to move on and maintain a civil relationship with her in the future for the sake of our son.

I would get an attorney, even if you have to postpone the court date. This is stuff that could affect you for the rest of your life. Co-mingled money is hard to figure out, and from my experience in court, they have practically NO INTEREST in figuring anything out.

In the longrun you will likely save THOUSANDS of dollars by getting an experienced divorce attorney today to handle this divorce.

Beg and plead for help from all comers to afford this.

Is she fighting custody? It appears she is acquiescing on you having primary custody of your son. I wouldn't be volunteering that she not have to pay you child support. It may be nice to say...because the state formulas will likely give you what you deserve anyway.

As far as the letter, it is very defensive. Instead of focusing on why YOU don't owe her 20,000 flip it around and focus on why she owes YOU say 15,000. Show the math to get to that figure and hopefully the judge will then just split the difference on the competing claims.

You mention the adultery several times. It's ok to state it....factually. Maybe use the word "It WAS hard to deal with" instead of "it's BEEN hard to deal with". Don't give any indication of present bitterness to the court. Most judges don't care and her attorney will try to make you appear vindictive versus caring about your son first and foremost.

GET AN ATTORNEY.

I am one but not a divorce attorney. I would like to share some information with you off-site. Please email at the address below.

Mr. Wondering

right now i don't see how she could get custody being that she is in a two bedroom apartment with her daughter being in the other room

email sent Mr M

point taken on the defensive stance... emotionally i guess i am and its also in my nature

plus all the attorneys i've talked to want me to play real hard ball and i really wanted to avoid a knock down drag out fight

There's no sense in shielding your WS from the consequences of her affair. I felt bad when I had to file, too. Like I was firing the first shot in an act of war. My Doberman said, "Adultery is an act of war against a marriage." 'Nuff said!

I still cried most of the way home, though.

Protect yourself, charliethree!! The best way you can!

Courts don't like to split up siblings and are VERY biased against fathers despite the presence of laws that say your gender is irrelevant.

To walk into any court without an attorney and expect to win is folly. In fact, from a judges perspective it likely demonstrates a substantial lack of care and concern over the seriousness of the matter. Hard to trust a father with the best interests of the kids in the face of such perception.

I've seen on this very board two fathers lose SOLID cases for temporary custody to their wayward wives living in less than ideal situations....one an apartment and one in the OM's parents home.

YOU hire an attonrey. Even if the attorney wants to go for the throat HE/SHE works for you and will only do what you say and direct.

As a tax attorney I also want you to be aware there is a huge difference between 50/50 custody and 51/49 percent custody. Child tax exemptions, unless specified differently in the divorce decree, go to the parent with 50% plus one night more custody than the other parent. An attorney will ensure that you maximize your custody and don't negotiate away your rigth to the tax deduction every other year.

Finally...your best chance to split up the affairee's and restore your family (or at least get a chance to reconcile) is to instill consequences by fighting hard in divorce court, blaming your attorney for being a harda$$, and delaying the divorce as long as possible.

Mr. Wondering

p.s. - I have yet to receive any email.

Thanks for the advice all. I can't afford an attorney but at the same time my son is more important than money.

I sent the following email to my father this morning:



Dad,

I've decided to hire an attorney to help me with this.

There is too much at stake here and the more I thnk about it, spending $10,000 to get primary custody will be worth it. For example, I want to claim him on my taxes every year and not take turns. Over the course of his childhood that in itself would end up being at least $10,000 coming back to me.

Plus I have been gunshy in all this. She screwed me over -badly- and your description of wounded animals being dangerous is very accurate in my opinion. And judges tend not to separate siblings and there are all kinds of common knowledge about judges favoring the mothers in family court.

The wording in the summary I wrote is also defensive in nature. I am re-writing it to go on the offensive to imply she owes me money for all I've done and let the judge try to split the difference in our claims. (I could give the summary to the lawyer and let the lawyer use that as a primary strategy.) Also, if I do get Cory, why shouldn't I be awarded child support. After all, he costs money and she needs to step up in that matter... especially with the after school care.

I'm gonna go take out a loan to cover the expense. My budget may go in the red but if I get child support, that would go back in the green. I really want the judge to know I am serious. If I go in there half cocked, who knows what will happen.

On top of all this, if things start looking bad I can always tell the lawyer to go ahead and request the judge to drug test us both.

There is no court date set. I have to wait 20 days from the date she was served by the sheriff's office. After the 20 days, there is a number to call to set the date. I can make the call whenever the lawyer says I'm ready. I am going to need time to put all the documentation together.

She really needs to understand that there are consequences for her actions.

Oh and I am NOT telling her about the lawyer. Let her find that out in court... maybe we will catch her off guard.

Good, decision. I'm very cynical about going to court. I've only been twice in my life and it was awful. Don't expect the court to care about right and wrong, or what is fair. You need an attorney to represent your case. Better to borrow the money now than to spend a lifetime regretting not being fairly represented.

I know in my state after a certain age siblings of opposite sex must have separate bedrooms. This couldl force her to pay for a three bedroom. Just throwing that out there.

my dad said during his divorce in florida, he had an attorney and my mother did not. the judge was uncomfortable with this and strongly suggested that his attorney represent both of them and he was ordered into mediation

they came to agreement and then the judge signed off on it

my situation is a bit different however in that my wife is entrenched in the belief that she is right in asking for the money

wife called me at work to ask a question and while we were talking i suggested that i can schedule a mediation... thought i'd make one last attempt to reach an agreement

the subject of me paying her a large sum of money came up and i kinda lost my cool and told her i'd rather be held in contempt of court than to give her a ton of money i didn't have... really weird how she digs her heels in over money as opposed to custody

right before she hung up, she said she was gonna get a lawyer so i guess its game on

mr wondering, i emailed you again... not sure what happened to the first attempt

my email address is charlie3@617dambusters.com

Here's something that is very tough for you to understand because of your emotional state: Don't answer your ex on anything!

Here's the other thing: Let her focus on money. You focus on your kids and you should come out on top. It will be very clear what you care about vs what she cares about.

Finally, make everything about your kid and trust nothing of what she says.

You're in a battle and you're at a disadvantage because 1. you're a man, 2. you still love her, 3. you don't want to fight.

You're going to get burned if you don't realize that the marriage is over and she's fighting dirty.

Please, don't make the mistake many of us on here have made. You are not unique and neither is your sitch.

Finally, you need to understand that your W making demands does not mean that it will be so. I have had that problem in dealing with my situation. Just be aware that a demand made doesn't mean that that's how things will happen.

yea that pretty much summarizes me

i have news however... we had a few loud verbal fights yesterday about all this

but i went ahead and made another settlement offer today, a fair one that was slightly different than the others i have made. she called me around an hour ago and agreed to the terms in principal

i am satisfied with the terms mostly because my son will continue living with me, our home becomes mine alone and i will get to claim him on taxes in exchange for a few thousand dollars that she can use to qualify for a home of her own... plus i threw in that neither one of us can move out of the county without court approval

still hate divorce... but in the end it will probably be for the best

Good luck to you. Hope she doesn't get the money, blow it and come back for more. That's my ex's pattern.

Also your son deserves child support from mom.

At least...perhaps unbeknownst to her have a lawyer look over your "settlement agreement" before you sign it.

OR

R u going to jointly use an attorney??? You can pay one to represent both of you to draw up and file a separation agreement though, often times, the negotiation of the details break down.

If you are drawing this up on your own...definitely pass it by an attorney before you draw it up to avoid any big pitfalls. It's pretty sad that she'll give up primary custody of her son for a few thousand dollars. It's likely in a couple years (WHEN YOUR CUSTODY IS FIRMLY AND UNDENIABLY IN PLACE) you'll be able to take her to court for a modification of child support based upon the states formula and get a larger child support payment from her. In many states, you can't even negotiate that away. It's based upon the formula period (even if your self prepared document says otherwise).

Mr. Wondering

believer: per the agreement, she doesn't get a penny until a judge signs off on the settlement agreement. if she comes back for more after the divorce, a simple no will work

MrW: yea it only costs a few hundred dollars to have an attorney write a settlement agreement. the attorney won't need to help us negotiate (since we reached agreement) and i will probably file it pro se... after my son has lived with me for a few years, i can comfortably try for child support. right now, i can afford to take care of my son on my own but i really can't afford a nasty, drawn out trial. and i really, really don't want to risk being ordered to pay her legal bills if i lost completely. btw, i received and read those documents you sent and if i were in a stronger financial position, i'd definitely go for it

in the end, i got what i wanted for a few thousand dollars and i was able to control the process rather than paying lawyers and relying on a judge

i'll update this thread as needed. i'm sure you all know that nothing is done until the court order is signed