Try and make this quick, need some advise please.
Relationship 4 years, married two, period of my stress and lovebusting aided her to finding someone else and having an affair.
Affair started around 4 months ago, I found out, on and off since I found out. She regretted it, saw there was no future and stopped, worked on us, then she caved in and got in contact with him again.
Same again yesterday, I caught her with him, she moved out, he doesnt even have apartment so she is staying in friends small apartment or hotel with him.

Problem is this..

She has been bad, and continues to be, but I love her and feel she is still the only woman for me. She appears to be sick now, she can't go more than one week without contacting him. That one week, we are great, loving, sex, fun etc. but then she buckles and gives in.

She knows there is no future in it, but hopes the bad fun guy will change! Even though she knows he wont.

I had a bad lovebusting day today after she went again last night, and cried, called etc etc she didnt call me until I said sorry and stopped lovebusting.

She agreed to meet tomorrow and talk about things properly.

So how do I approach it, what do I do. I want to tell her about our future and how much she means to me but when I do it seems to push her to him because he doesnt care about her, whether he is with her or not, basically bad guy.

Any advice especially on what to say, how to approach the meeting...

You don't sound like you are emotionally ready to have a meeting. Let her know you need time to think about what she has done to your family and will get back to her regarding a 'meeting'. That meeting s/b on YOUR terms and when YOU are emotionally ready to handle her babble.

Are there children involved? Have you exposed?

Here are a few points to consider:

1. Read SAA (Surviving an Affair) & HNHN (His Needs/Her Needs) both are by Harley. Then read LMBT (Love must be Tough) by Dobson and YOU take the EN questionnaire once as yourself and 2nd times as her (she can also take it herself at a later date).

2. Get a good MC or call Steve H @ MB for a plan. Steve's office will ask you to read SAA, HNHN and take the EN questionnaire as a prerequisite.

3. Identify your personal support group (family, friends, co-workers, neighbors, doctor, dentist, pets, etc.). Everyone and everything that will lend you support so you feel better in a safe and sane manner.

4. Know the A will test the very being of your soul.

5. Do NOT expect to teach your WS anything.

6. Learn reverse babble and learn about the stages of grieving (check out the links in my signature line).

7. Secure your finances. WS' are a very greedy bunch. She will guilt you into letter her run all over you and that often includes cleaning you out financially.

8. Never assume she is reasonable or cares.

9. After you have done your reading, identify your personal and M boundaries. You will need implement them if and when you go to plan B.

10. Learn about plans A & B. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

That's for starters. We need to get you strong enough before you face the WS. As a whole, WS' are very selfish and manipulative. They want the BS to be blamed for the A and want you to be guilty for their misconduct. Do NOT fall for that ploy.

If she threatens D or separation, let her do the dirty work. Don't panic. If you are confused or too weak to answer her (i.e. begging or pleading with her to return, etc.), then stop and just let her know you can't continue a convo w/her at this time and will get back to her later. That usually peaks the WS' curiosity and this c/b used to your benefit.

Let us know how you are doing.

take care,
L.

I am going to send this letter instead of meeting, could I get some advice on what everyone thinks. Thanks!

"I am writing this letter to you, to maybe make it easier for you to understand my difficult english sometimes and when you are alone you can re-read my words because they come direct from my heart.

I was always taught by my parents, they teach me, that when you want something, a job, new car, girl, wife, you fight for them. You don't ignore them, not call them or leave them. If you believe that is the best thing for you you go after them and try everything.

I know you think I am weak and not proud, because you treat me badly and I am still here. That's why he looks good to you sometimes, I must be a weak, sad man because I treat him bad and he still wants me so he is not good. OM treats me badly and when I don't call him he doesn't call me so OM is more of a man. Something like that is what you think I know. I think you also think that you are not a good woman, and you only think a guy who treats you badly is good for you.

Well all of that is rubbish, trash, [censored].

Being honest, because we have to be now, I have watched you tell me everything is my fault, I've fought for you and you have kept hurting me. You killed my dreams of another family with a woman and child I love after my divorce 3 years ago. I put everything into you and your son, my time, money everything, I even moved countries.

You always think, I put this in your face, it's your fault…. Not true, I just want you to see, to open your eyes and see that I did all this for us because I wanted to. I did everything I have always done, the nice hotels, meals, Tokyo, London, nice apartment, tried to work hard for you, looked after your son when you were with him not to put in your face but because I love you unconditionally. Because I didn't want anything from you just to be part of my life.

I am still here after everything because even though there has been so much hurt and pain, I can't imagine my life without you in it, and I know you feel the same. The first day I met you we had a very strong connection, the most powerful feeling that you only get ONCE in your life. I know you didn't feel that with him. We have the love and connection that lasts a lifetime and I don't know about you, but I am so scared that with you out of my life, I will never find anybody that I have that connection with ever again. I know you don't feel this with him, you always say you wish we were good, and he wouldn't have happened…. Well that's an excuse… you know what we had for 3 years, you know what you feel for me now, you can't leave me completely or forget me and you know I can give you a good future and will never do what your ex-husband did before.

So what I am saying is look inside your heart, I can't tell you to go, I can't leave you, I can't run from you because no matter how hurt I am I know I will regret it the rest of my life and I am sure you will too. We both know what we have, I know we can be good like last week when he was not in your life, champagne in Sunabe, laughing, sex all good. Why can't we do that week 52 times a year….forever, with no one else and have a happy family.

I still have a dream of maybe moving to England and having a good life with you, I can make good money and support you and your son, get you away from this horrible place. I'm not going to put you in a prison or control you. I want you to be free and happy but to be with me.

It's your choice but I know that If you look inside your heart and think about the gamble, the risk you are taking now on a guy you know doesn't care, wants other women, doesn't really love you and doesn't even have a home for you that you know it is not going to work. You know you will be at home with your son, when he is out with girls and it will kill you inside. I know because that's how I feel about you.

I'm not weak, I'm proud that for the woman I love and the child I love I have suffered pain and hurt and keep trying because you are still my soulmate and dream. I'm proud that as a man I fight for what I want. When a man doesn't fight for his family, he doesn't care. Being a man is not running or not calling like he did with you. Being a man is fighting for what you want and need.

I hope you read this and understand it, that you understand I have only tried to do the best for you and your son. I never wanted to put anything in your face and I am a good man, I am proud of myself that I try and still try hard for the family I love.

I still want to be with you, help you with your business and get you that ring, but I can't keep being in pain everytime you leave me. Then a few days later he is bad for you and you come back. I hope you can see you and me are the future, the best future for all of us before it is too late.

I love you...

Hi Spike,

Did you even read Orchid's post to you?

I read through the first paragraph of your letter... Please don't send it.

Go back and read what Orchid wrote and then let's discuss a plan for ending this A.

Semper Fi,

RIF

I have, I'm just really confused. I realise Im being stupid, I think by writing the letter and telling her this she will realise what she is doing and come back, but she hasn't realised it yet.
I'm so bad at this, I love her so much and I don't know I have the strength to stop telling her how I feel.
This is not making any sense sorry, it's like if I stop chasing her, telling her how I feel, then I lose her. I Know I've lost her now....this is a ramble..
I am trying to say that my love is ruling me and she has been bad and is in a fog but she always gives me hope like now
That's what it is, everytime she experiments with him, I am always there as security and she gives me hope she will come back just to wait for her. And so far that is what has happened though this time is different more permanent.
I have exposed it to friends but his family is in the US and we are currently in Japan I have no way of contacting them. I have thought about exposing to his boss, I have the email as he works on military bases, but he has threatened to come to my home with several marine friends and kick and punch until I am dead, so to be honest not sure about doing that!

I know that by crying, being a punch bag I am unattractive etc etc. I love her so much though I dont know how to stop being her knight for fear of losing her completely even though I know that by being stronger I may get her back. Does that make sense?

Does anybody have any help on what I wrote above.
Also I did something stupid and called the OM. I was calm and basically said he was welcome to her and for her to call me to get her stuff out. I said she was a liar and I had had enough of her ****** me and him on the same night. I said I knew he was divorced like me and he should be careful as she was a liar and there was loads he did not know about her. I came over as calm and actually quite friendly while putting the boot in and thoughts in his head.

Then surprise I get a phone call from her a little later when she has ignored me all day, saying we needed to talk to morrow. That she has been thinking about me and the situation all day and whether it is the correct decison!!

So confused..

Spike,

Follow the advice of those on here. I totally understand where you are at. But somewhere deep inside you have to realize that there is a future and not just today. I remember when I was in that I have to do something right now stage, but with G-ds help, I promise you that will pass. Everyone says give it time. I hated that statement. Time seemed like the enemy. But time did come and it will for you, and the urgency of fixing it today goes away.

Just step back, breathe, and get through today. Get the books, read them, read as many posts on here as you can, you will be amazed at the similarities of everyones situation. And LISTEN TO WHAT THE OTHERS ARE TELLING YOU ON HERE. They have walked this path aned can lead you. They are for me.

People on this board will ask you to do things that will stretch you as a person and ultimately help your M. I KNOW, it happened to me. DO IT, you will feel better.

There is NO WAY to explain other than WS are creatures that are NOT our spouses and don't act like them. They do and say things that so far from what we have ever known. As many say, they are aliens who have been abducted by the mother ship, and are addicted to that sick R. Don't trust her words and don't let those words HURT you, which they can. Orchid is so RIGHT, learn reverse babble and use it. Read as much on here and ask questions. I PROMISE, there are people here who can walk you through this.

My prayers are with you,

SG

As RIF suggested, do NOT send the letter. Crying is ok. For now stay AWAY from the WS until you are strong enough to handle it.

take care,
L.

Could I ask a question or two?
- Was calling him a mistake or have I put some thoughts in his head and why did she call me so quickly afterwards after ignoring my calls all day?
- I know she wants her cake and to eat it. She was DESPERATE for me to agree that I would wait for her while she left me and went off to play with him. I do mean DESPERATE begging me not to cut off contact.
So like I said it has been up and down for a few months and on and off, I feel like by doing more of plan A I am facilitating her affair, but if I go to PLan B I risk losing her.....aghhhh help!

Spike,

Yes, I have some advice for what you wrote.

You need to calm down and read up on the basics. I know how hard this is and I know how confusing everything is for you right now.

You will NOT even have a chance with your WW if you continue to wring your hands and write her letters like you've shown us.

There a many people here that have been through the exact same thing that you are dealing with right now. We are willing to help you, but we can't do so if you don't take the advice thats given you and apply it...

Re-read Orchid's original post to you and then let us know how we can help you come up with a PLAN to end this A.

Semper Fi,

RIF

Sorry for my rambling.
I have been reading MB for a while and read Orchids post. I think I have exposed as much as I can without risking my life and have tried to do plan A for several weeks. This worked on and off, I supported her, tried not to do LBs, tried to be a man she would want to be with.
But she is sick, no matter what I try she kept going back to him. She GENUINELY sees he is bad for her and I could see she tried to clear him from her head but she cannot stop and she has tried. I know that. So this week it started again and I catch them at it.
So what I am saying is I feel I have tried exposure, plan A and what she is asking me now is more of Plan A, support for her in her affair, having her cake and eating it until in a few days or weeks she comes back to me because he has let her down again.
I can't do that anymore but don't want to give up on my marriage.
Do I do more Plan A as best as I can even though she has gone, be nice, meet her, let her use the car etc or do I now go to Plan B which may just push her to him and her pride stops her coming back.
I don't think I made my situation too clear before hope this helps to get your opinions.
Thanks all

Orchid: Ok, that's a start but go read the books SAA, HNHN & LMBT. You really need a plan. Don't you feel like you are floating from drama to drama? It's a yucky feeling.



Orchid: Ok, now you realize that exposure and plan A is for your benefit NOT the WS'. As a WS she is not you real W, instead she is a shell of your real W. Learn to differentiate between the WS and your W. Talk to your W but reduce interactions with the WS. Remember you can't teach a WS anything, so don't. Spend your energies on improving yourself and finishing a good plan A. That way when you go to plan B, you will be ready.



Orchid: Yea.... they know it's bad but can't stop. Why? Because it is like a virus that must run through their system. It also shows they are out of control and that is why exposure is important. All must know, including your supporters that she is not in her right mind. For that you are requesting their support and help to protect yourself and your family and yes..... you are attempting to protect your W from the irrational side of the WS.





Orchid: Are you done with your real plan A? I think not. You don't have that clear mind and calm heart in order to enter plan B. Read those books and see how to get to that point. It will take studying as well as working on yourself. That's why 4 months isn't enough.



Orchid: You'd better muster up more energy that what you have been using. Stop spending your energies on the A and work on you. I know that may not make sense but dealing with the A isn't about logic. It's about identifying the problem and moving forward with a plan.

Remember you are fighting for your family, don't give up so easily.




Orchid: Finish plan A when are you done with your personal improvements. Plan B comes when you are strong enough to remove yourself from enabling the A. Yea.... the WS has tricked you into enabling the A just by allowing her to be there with you. Of course there are other ways she enables you. When you are ready, let us know.



Orchid: Glad you clarified things. It did help in my response. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

take care,
L.

If I was you, I would expose to his boss anyway, in include that you were also threatened by the OM as indicated above.

How did your W meet the OM? Do they work together?

One more thing: SERIOUSLY consider if you really want to recover this M. Ms require love, trust and commitment, and for the latter two to be so destroyed so early in your M...

Spike:

You need to settle down and use this forum to vent all of your thoughts. You will be on a rollercoaster for awhile.

Not necessarily a bad thing that you contacted the OM. Most likely she lied about you and your relationship.

I think you need to fill in some details about your story, how old you are, where you met, where you live, what you know about OM, children, etc.

Best wishes,