Hi! I told WH to leave today b/c he broke NC. He was at home for about 6 weeks, prior to our separation last June. I tried Plan A during this time. Thought it was working...but, SURPRISE he just got sneakier. He didn't even argue or deny what I said. I was very matter of fact and did not get mad when telling him the things that I found out. Asked him to pack his clothes today, be out when the kids and I got home. Gave him until Friday to get his things from the garage. Anything left, I was donating to GOODWILL.

We had been planning on trying to move out of state and start over again. He has been wishy-washy about it the last couple of weeks. I told him that I did not want to talk or see him. But, if he was sincere about moving and wanting to get a new job, that I would follow him AFTER he got a job in another state. Did I handle this right? I need to pull out Harleys books and reread them!

So now Plan B. I don't have my family here for support. His family has been very kind to me and the kids. However, I feel that I have already worn them out this whole mess and can't ask them to be the go between for us. The same for my friends.

I am not sure how to REMOVE myself from his life. We have four young kids 8, 6, 3, & 1, so I can't just drop them off. Besides, with his past psyche problems I would prefer him visiting our kids at our home. I don't mind staying in my room while he visits.
ANY SUGGESTIONS?


He left me a 4 page letter saying that he was sorry and that he really DID want to start a new life with me and kids, etc. But that he was scared with all the changes that needed to happen. Said he has "guilt and low-self esteem", b/c "he thinks & feels that I REALLY am more than he deserves." and that I am much stronger than him. He tried justifying contact as an innocent need to rely information between a mutual friend. LIE...he was emailing her, using work phone to call her, and used a voicemail system to leave messages for her without actually dialing her phone! Discovered that one TODAY as I was calling numbers from his phone that were unfamiliar.

WH does not have an apt. He says he stays in the RV at his work and not at the OW apt. We can't financially afford for him to get his own place. We can barely stay afloat as it is.

I need help! I would still like to save my marriage, but have realized that I can't change or make him. He has to WANT it!
Thanks for reading and I would appreciate your comments!

I recommend that you schedule a session if at all possible with Steve Harley at MBers.

I also think plan B is in order.

since he broke the commitment then there is nothing you can do. Yes, this site is about fixing and saving marriages, not about being a door mat either.

I think it was time to do what you did, let him see what its like without his family since he could not give up the OW, why would you let him have both of you and he picked her because he couldn't stick to the committment that it took to be with you.

Plan B is hard, but you can do it, you are the only person with any common sense those kids have right now.

You had the other thread too right? if that is yours it would be good to put this with that so people can follow your story on one thread.

I think you did exactly what you had to and what he forced you to do.
please keep us posted

Yes, I did make that post, but I don't know how to thread them?

I know in my heart I made the right choice, but it was like finding out all over again! It was really hard putting my kids to bed tonight. The reality of what I did really hit home b/c they miss having him around, as do I. I was by myself for over a year until he came back last month. Having him help around the house and with the kids, it just makes me angry and very sad. My kids will have to go through the separation AGAIN! I should have been stronger and not let him weasel his way back home. I think my marriage is really over.

"He left me a 4 page letter saying that he was sorry and that he really DID want to start a new life with me and kids, etc. But that he was scared with all the changes that needed to happen. Said he has "guilt and low-self esteem", b/c "he thinks & feels that I REALLY am more than he deserves." and that I am much stronger than him. He tried justifying contact as an innocent need to rely information between a mutual friend. LIE...he was emailing her, using work phone to call her, and used a voicemail system to leave messages for her without actually dialing her phone! Discovered that one TODAY as I was calling numbers from his phone that were unfamiliar."

This guy is NOT taking responsibility for his own actions. He wants to come up with some plausible reason why it is OK for him to continue in an affair, and "you're more than I deserve" is just one more excuse for why continuing in an affair is OK. And to say he is "scared" -- more fog talk. He's being selfish. He doesn't want to give up this woman because she makes him feel good.

I understand the difficulty you are in. I made a choice to continue living with my husband because our children were 1, 3, 6, and 8 at the time the affair was exposed. He seems to have ended the affair at the time of exposure, but he did not take responsibility for his affair and did not work to restore the marriage.

Try writing a Plan B letter and getting input from people on the forum. Given his continual breaking of NC and ways of continuing NC, the ante needs to be upped. Let him know that you will live with him IN ANOTHER CITY, as you had discussed.

Dr. Harley says that Plan B needs to be like a divorce. You being in another room while he plays with the kids PUTS YOU OUT, not him. You need to get him out of the house and have him stay out.

I don't know the sexes of your children, but think about the impact of this on them. Will your son(s) think an affair is acceptable for him if he decides he has "low self-esteem"? Will your daughters decide they don't want to marry? Or they need to accept men as unfaithful?

Someone once told me to make choices as if I was a mother recommending what to do to a daughter.

Cherishing

Do you have the funds to schedule a session with Steve Harley? Again, I highly recommend that before going into PLAN B. I don't feel that your situation is hopeless.

Hi all! I have talked to Harley and he wants to talk with WH, but WH is not ready for that.

Well, here's the last DRAMA. On Monday morning WH sent me long text stating visitation days and times and that he still PLANNED on getting new job and moving, regardless of whether of not I file papers. Well, two hours later texts again, trying to convince me that he really wants to leave and start again, etc. And wants to know if I am WITH HIM or NOT! Calls in the afternoon and restates all the ideas that we had talked about regarding out of state. Says he is sorry for breaking NC and that it was wrong for him to do that. blah blah. Again, wants to know if I am with him or not, b/c if I am he will quit job with father right now, and get rid of cell phone or get a new number on my account. But that he can't do THIS living out of his car! I wants US to move away soon. I told me that if /when he gets new job out of state that I would follow, but not until then. He got mad at me. Said that I was squashing his dreams of being with family. I told him that HE was the one who did that ALL my himself by staying in contact with OW.

I suspect that he had an argument with OW sometime after he texted me in the morning. Tone obviously had changed. He was very angry with me after the phone conversation. That night, he was suppose to come see kids...didn't. Called and made excuse. I usually have the kids talk to him on speaker phone b/c in the beginning he would say things that were not appropriate for our kids. So basically, my 3 yr. old hung up on him b/c he always likes to push the buttons. Kids call back twice no answer. 30 mins later he calls and asks my oldest if I told my son to hang up b/c he HEARD MOMMY say it. I was taking a bath!!! So now he is back to this type of behavior. I try not to let it bother me, but sometimes it is just so hard not to!

Seriously, I don't even think I have the energy for Plan B anymore. I downloaded the D files from my lawyer last night and really think that the MARRIAGE is OVER.

How do I cope with his childlike behaviors?

Hello Mom24,

I was reading through your post, a lot of the things that happened to you, happened to me as well. My WH left the home and left a long letter stating how much he wanted to form a family but was not ready to do it yet. It's hard because the person you know as your H is not the person you married and shared good times with. I couldn't handle it any more and left the home, filed for D. It was a hard decision, but I was a door mat for my WH for more than a year. It was more than I could handle, I was going crazy and didn't want that especially because I had a new born and needs mentally well parent.
Don't let him make decisions for you in regards to visitation dates and times for your children. I was afraid of getting my WH upset, but then again, I needed to stand up for my believes and thoughts.
I don't have much to say since I'm in the middle of a D, but all I can really tell you is BE STRONG and take care of yourself and children. WH's are not thinking about anyone else except for themselves. You will come out of this, God won't give us a load we can't carry.

Calibabeus

Mom24,

You've made your stand. Now don't back down. After what you've been through, any more contact with him is likely to end the marriage because you are fed up, and deservedly so. That's why Plan B means having an intermediary so that there is no contact. He's been able to have both of you for a long time, and it must be a real shock to him that you finally had had it -- after all this time.

Through the intermediary, let him know that YOU ARE WITH HIM. You are willing to give your marriage another change under the condition that you follow him once he has a job in a new location.

I admire you. It takes a lot of courage to do what you are doing. I kept on hoping to change my husband through talk, through telling him how much he hurt me. It didn't matter. When the affair came out, one thing he said was "Your feelings were relevant to my thoughts." Why should they have been? He thought I was committed to him no matter what. I was so buffaloed by him that my first name on MB, before I knew there was an affair, was "uncommitted". Another poster made me laugh when he suggested I change my name to "shouldbecommitted."

I hope you get a chuckle out of that. Your husband is trying the same ploy -- you're the problem because you're uncommitted -- as in he doesn't know if you are with him or not. It's fog talk. He wants to continue things as they have been, and you are not allowing that anymore. Good for you, and good for your children --

Think five years down the line. Would you prefer to be divorced or to be strung along as the second woman in his life? At least with Plan B you give your husband a chance to make you first in his life. It certainly represents a commitment to you and your marriage if he takes a new job in a different location. Let him have his fits away from you so that you protect yourself from any more emotional harm... At some point, he'll need to decide to go down the path of divorce or to find a new job and move.

Cherishing