I am new to this message board. My husband and I have been married for 11 years and have 2 children. I suspected an affair back in June. I found so many cell phone calls to a married coworker at his office. He won't stop talking to her and says they are "just friends". WH states he has feelings for me but not those kind of feelings. I have also heard, "I love you but, I'm not in love with you anymore." I have asked to work on our marriage and he states he is trying but, I don't feel like he is trying. I have implemented Plan A for the past month and I don't see any changes in him. He tells me I suffocate and smother him. I have decided to not contact him unless, he calls me. I am in so much pain I don't know whether to just end this marriage or continue my efforts. He will not give up his "friend" and I don't know if his feelings about me are because of her. Over the weekend, he stated he did not want to work on our marriage and then in another statement he says he will try but, will not promise me anything. I don't expect promises, I just want him to put our marriage as a priority. I thought we had a strong marriage but I guess I was completely blind. He has put me into a depression and I wake up everyday trying to focus on my strengths and positives. I just can't believe he doesn't see all the good things we had in our marriage. He is living in the house but, I am sure after Christmas, he will move out. I am trying to avoid him leaving and hurting my children but, I feel like there's nothing more I can do. Please help, lost and so confused.

Have you exposed the A to the OWH? To his office?

Relying on a WS to just end an A when they're in contact with the OP is a bit like relying on a crack addict to end his addiction while the crack pipe is still readily available.

I found out the other woman's husband is having affairs on her and I believe that's how her friendship started with my husband. I haven't exposed to his office since, I was not sure how to go about doing it. He works for a very large Corporation and not sure if they would do anything and I don't want him to lose his job which would hurt my financial condition. I have exposed to his family but, they seem to want to stay out of our problems. Sometimes I feel if he really wants her then, to let him just go and do what he pleases while, I receive counseling and try to prepare to move on with my live. I really want to save our marriage but, I just don't know how.

How did you find this out? Did WH tell you this? I was told exactly the same thing and believe it or not, it was a lie.

If your husband told you this it is almost certainly a lie.

You need to find OWH and expose to him regardless of his situation.

How good of a Plan A have you been running?

Remember there is very little relationship talk while in Plan A. Waywards don't get it.

I found out by finding cell phone records. I asked him what was going on and he said they were just friends and he would limit the calls. Now, each month the calls have increased.

Husband continues to say nothing is going on. I just don't believe it.
OWH I found out is also running a stray on his wife. I think she used my H for a sounding board and that's how the friendship started.

My Plan A has been to encourage him, show signs of support. Thanking him for doing things for me and the kids around the house. I have listened to his issues at work and kept my frustrated emotions in check. WH says he can see my changes but still has no feelings.

I have not exposed to the OWH since I found out over the weekend from my girlfriend who saw her H straying on his wife. I have not exposed to the office, not sure how to handle a large Corporation..I have exposed to his parents but, they seem to think nothing is going on and are in denial. I thought we had a strong marriage but, I guess I was wrong.

MWH:

Are you ready to fight?

Make a call out to Brit's Brat. She is an Attorney who posts here and works for a large corp specializing in HR. She will tell you that Workplace Affairs are frowned upon by Large Corps. There is plenty of info around here on how to expose, I.E. Letters, to who, what to say and how to deliver.

Your WH MAY lose his job, and your financial condition may suffer. But if he leaves the house and moves out with OW and or himself, than your financial condition will suffer then, as well. Oh, and if you get divorced, you financial condition will drop right into the toilet.

Let your WH suffer from HIS choices. You have done enough, (and will do more) suffering. Exposing this thing to his office will cause HIM pain.

Make sure you go to the company Chirstmas party. So WH and OW can't HOOK up that night.

Please order Surviving an Affair (SAA) from this website. It has the roadmap for surviving this crime that has been committed against you.

Now that you are here? Stop being afraid. Waywards use all sorts of things to MAKE you be AFRAID. It's time to return it to THIER corner.

LG

Thank you for your advice and support. I will look up Brit's Brat and get advise. You do make plenty of sense. This is HIS issue and not mine. He has chose to try to make me suffer and agonize through this situation. I am choosing to not be a victime and stand up for the values of marriage.

Hello Midwesthurting,

I know what you must be going through. It is difficult to find out that the person you married and shared a family with has suddenly gone insanse. My WH is having an A, I suspect it began when our first child was born. I was pregnant while he was having the time of his life. It is hard but you have to be strong, especially if you have children. Take care of yourself and your kids because at this point in time, WS's don't care about anyone but themselves. It is going to hurt, but with time, things will begin to fall into place, whether its having him back as a changed person or moving on with your life without him. Trust God, he won't give you a load that you can't handle.

midwest, even if the OW's H IS having an affair, he could be po'd that his wife is running around on him. Double standard, dontcha know.

i will tell you a little story how I found out using my own cell phone and you can too!!! Hide your H's phone for a day or 2. If he gets concerned that he missed a message, tell him to just check the messages from the home phone. After he is done, take the home phone like you are going to call someone and press redial. It will show the # to his phone and his pass code for his voicemail right after it. Then you can access his voicemail and listen for messages from the possible OW. That is how I did it. I confronted my H about the affair and he still to this day is BAFFELED as to how I found out. I was able to use some of the things she said in her message that only he would know she had said b4. He was and still is so confused as to how I know her feelings for him etc...I was kinda proud of myself for coming up with the idea. Try it and let me know how it panned out. Good luck and I HOPE you only find something innocent.
God bless
love always

You little sneak!!

LOL

What a great technique.

Thanks. I think. HE HE. I am usualy not that sneaky or clever. I think God helped me. Or my baby girl. It was all on a gut instinct I had for about 6 weeks. I woke up one morning and my H was on the couch asleep with the phone in hand. H works till 12 am. Who would he be calling at that time I thought. I am soooo glad I found out. Getting all the skeletons out hurts but it is all for the best in the long run

The truth will set you free!

Midwest hurting:

I do not normally post to very many people because I am not one to give advice but I do want to respond and try to give you some support and encouragement.

A year ago, I was pretty much in the same place that you are now. My husband out of the blue decided after twenty years of marriage to confess his affair (he felt guilty..). He said he did not love me had not loved me for years loved this other woman and wanted a divorce. My entire world simply came crumbling down in those five minutes. I was so grief stricken I literally found it almost impossible to mvoe across the room. I wanted everything to end..thank God I had my children (24,17,and 12 at the time) ..I am sorry to say that they literally took care of me those first few weeks. My husband told me he was not seeing the other woman either, and wanting so hard to believe him and in him I put the blinds on. I did the plan A to a T, but it did not work, and in March I put him out of the house. We were seeing a MC and he made it all sound so good, like he was feeling better about things...in my heart though I knew something was not right, and Memorial Day Weekend I found her car at his apartment...again I was devestated..he moved home then briefly (for two weeks) but moved back out again saying how much he missed her. He moved in with her two miles down the road. My response to him was that I was going to do what I had always done...work, and take care of my family. I work nights amd every weekend so he had to come to my our house and stay over with my daughter. We did her birthday party together, and other kid stuff games at school etc. I of course would not allow my daughter over at his apartment with her, and advised him that never would she be exposed to this OW. It use to kill me though to think that my husband was two miles down the road with her........I dont think I have ever hurt so bad in all of my life.

I want you to know though that things can change. In September my ws came to me and said he loved me had always loved me and wanted to work things out. He has been home now for three weeks. We sent the NC letter and I am cautiously optomistic that things will work out. Is it the big romance and him wineing and dining me...well no, although I wish that is what he would do. We are having fun though and have set some goals for our future. I believe he is still in withdrawal somewhat and that is ok too. I as well have had some weak moments in my head and wonder if this is really what I want after all we have been through..it is scarey. I dont have that gut feeling though like I did before...I feel as though he is committed to us and working things out this time around and I am committed to the same. I love him..I dont need his money..because he has come home after spending a fortune actually, but I know we had a great marriage at one time, and I know we can have one again. He is a good man who did a very dumb thing....your husband probably is a good man as well.

I just want you to hang in there. Cry when you need to...I did a lot, and at times still do. This will be one of the hardest things you go through in your entire life...it has been for me. I dont know how I stumbled up on Marriage Builders but, thank goodness I did. The people here...Ace, Silenlucidity, and many many more have gotten me through some of the darkest days...with their love support and encouragment. They have become my exstended family...I lost my mother suddenly four monthes prior to my husbands confession so was dealing with a double whammy..I could feel their love and concern for me and my children as well..stay wiith this site you cant go wrong.

You will be in my prayers. I often end my post with We Will Make It....and we will!

Mishes

Thanks for the tip. I do currently know his password. He is definitely not to smart since, the password is one of our current passwords we use financially. I don't know if I can take his phone since, it seems like an appendage. He always has it on at work and at home. I look at this phone daily and it absolutely makes me sick to see the phone sitting there are knowing he calls her. I also accessed the online billing and can see he just continually calls her over and over again.

Thank you so much for your story and support. I hope my WH will come around and realize that he is in the wrong and wants to work on our marriage. He just seems to be in a different world and sometimes I don't know if I can keep going. You give me stength to continue to fight for my marriage and my family. Keep me updated on your relationship and I will keep you in my thoughts.

Thank you for your post. I can see WS's do not care about anyone but themselves and the OW. It seems like a complete addiction. Last night, my H said he was willing to try to work things out and to see if we can rekindle our love. It just seems like he wants some kind of magic want to come down and hit him to feel for me again. True love for me means love does not disappear. After 11 yrs of marriage, the fireworks and passion need to be ignited but, for him it seems he thinks it should never go away. I feel he is very immature in his views of love and marriage. I will continue to try and work on our marriage. He just won't give up his "friendship". It is just so hard to not talk about feelings. I will continue working on my Plan A but, also preparing for the possibility of Plan B. How are things in your life today with your WH?

Good Morning MWH:

There was a letter that I sent my WS that I found here on this site. On page one of General Quesitons II it is the first letter under noteable post. I read this letter and it described how I felt to a T. It also really seemed to touch my WS who said it was exactly how he felt and that the letter made him cry. Also this morning I read Why don't WS remember this (page one)...

My night went well, however a little bit of a rough morning. I was in the garage and I heard my ws talking on his cell phone while he was in the bathroom...it was more of a mumble..ashamed to say I had my ear to the wall on the opposite side. When I asked him who he was talking to he said his boss....he put down his cell phone and said here take a look at recent calls. I did, and it was his boss. Oh well, felt a little guilty but I think these things are to be expected from time to time.

Any way this is your space...how are you this morning? Yes, I dont think ws get that any relationship is going to advance to a more mature state...there are fire works just not as often! Oh tell me about being in a different world! My ws did so many things that were so unlike him...I hesitate to use the word stupid but there were things he did that I wondered what in the world was he thinking????? He would tell me something that was a flat out lie, and only confess when I had him nailed to the wall. This was hard because I have never been one of those naggy, find something wrong kind of person...I always chose to look at the good. His fog was so thick I dont know how he ever got out of it! I will tell you though that they do....it does not take long for them to see that this great "love" they think they have found is nothing more than an infactuation...half the fun is gone when they dont have to sneak anymore.

Read that post and let me know what you think!

Again, we will make it!!!
Mish

My morning is going okay. I decided to take the day off of work. Too much emotions and I am becoming very tired out. My H acts like he is in a different world since, he used to care out my kids and I. We always did things as a family. Now, he comes home very late from work and always has an excuse like I had to go to the store or I worked Overtime. It's a half hour drive home from his work and it now takes him an hour to hour and a half. I figure he is talking to the OW the whole time. He changed his email password so I no longer have access to view his account. He used to never be a drinker but now when he is out he is starting to drink alcohol. We used to go to church together and now he wants no part of it. I figure he is just feeling so guilty he is using alcohol as his outlet.
I have my outlet's too. I quit smoking for 2 years and now back at it due to the stress. I am mad at myself for allowing this problem to get to me this much.
I just can't trust anything he says. I think he is waiting for Christmas to go by and then he will move out of the house. I wrote him a letter Monday night explaining how I felt and how important it is to try to save our marriage. I wasn't home when he read the note but, he did call me to say thank you and he really appreciated what I said. He said he wanted to try to make things work but, no mention of not talking to the OW. He does not get that talking to her is a problem. When you share your emotions and time with OW it is affecting our relationship and I feel it is an emotional affair. I just keep praying for strength and will pray for your. I hope your H knows now what he could of lost and will work to re-establish your lives together. I am glad he showed you the cell phone this morning. This is something my H would never do at this point. It shows me he wants to earn his trust back with you. I hope my H will one day be able to do the same thing.